I have just read a wonderful story, written by a sister also trying to follow the Way. It is a lovely analogy of all of our stories and the hope we have to do things differently. Please check out the link below:
Recently I had the privilege to speak with an old friend of ours in the spirit world.
Jesus and I were discussing what we remembered of Paul and his life on earth and Jesus suggested I speak to Paul directly. Since, at the time, we had no capacity to record the mediumship session, I channeled directly on paper.
While I am usually shy to share messages that refer to our first century life or identities, I thought others may benefit from Paul’s message. I especially enjoyed how he expressed the impact receiving God’s Love has upon our gender injuries and his description of how first century healings took place.
My questions to Paul are in italics below and his responses in regular text.
Questions for Paul – 13th August, 2018
What was it like when Jesus appeared to you? (reference to Paul’s conversion)
I heard his voice in my head…
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I have recently become friends with a young woman who impresses me very much. She is humble, gentle and yet has a fire in her belly when it comes to following her passions and wanting to contribute something good to the world. She is willing to work hard and do what it takes to fulfil her dream, but she does it all in a quiet way. During one of our chats I told her about my blog and that it was about my search for truth and that I started it after I discovered the Divine Truth teachings and told her a little about them. I awkwardly explained that Jesus and Mary were back.
I still have fear and shame about saying that because I still want people to like me and not judge me. As soon as I do say it I can feel doors shutting and minds closing and receiving a “look” that ranges from doubtful to condescending. I hate the feeling that people think I am either mad or hugely gullible. The sad thing is it then prevents people from looking at the teachings themselves – they can’t see past the Jesus thing – so miss out on something wonderful because of their belief systems – and we have so many false ones around God and Jesus: both get mixed into religion and religion is man- made, not God made. Ironically, Jesus is mostly man-made as religion has translated his teachings to their own devices. And Jesus is Jesus – I’m pretty certain he is and I am certain HE knows who he is and I’m pretty certain because he walks he walks, he knows lots of things no one else done and he is as I thought he would be: kind, humble, direct and brave – those were my thoughts when I was 17/18, was a active part of a Baptist Church, but always getting into trouble for asking too many questions and in the end I left –but the other thing is I often cry just listening to him these days – there is so much sincere love in him and that is kind of love is rare and I feel it.
But I am digressing – because my friend did react a little, but she still went home and read some of my blog posts. I did warn her some of them are pretty intense – particularly the last one. (There’s that fear of other’s judgement of me again). I am not sure if she will read it again, but I wanted to share her feedback as it relates to what I wanted to talk about today. She said, “I have read some of your blog – it is intense, as you warned me, but I honestly think it is amazing Maxine how far you have come and how much you are committed to personal development even though that is such a challenge for all of us. I think you are very hard on yourself. Most people don’t even try. I know how hard it is to hear and accept it but really it is incredible everything you have come through and done and I hope one day you will truly appreciate this.”
The bit about my harshness with myself and her compassion for me brought up an emotion for me, one that is coming up in various shades a lot lately as I reflect on where I am at, what God’s Law of Attraction is showing is in my soul for healing: and it’s a lot about my lack of self worth and related to that is my addiction to being harsh with myself and I re-read my last post. I wanted to be very direct in my post as I felt it was important, important for me to talk about that subject as I am awakening to these things. However, there is a tone of severity in it and it’s not the first time. I have had so many events lately encouraging me to soften and have compassion with myself: to be patient and loving with myself.
I have felt I am being more loving with myself than I used to be and in many ways I am. My harshness took a severe form of self harm for years and that has changed, but self criticism and self judgement is insidious and so subtle day to day. I have been observing myself every day and noticing how just in a moment I judge. I have even found myself judging others for things I am insecure about in myself! It has become a complete habit, an addiction – a normal way to live!
Watch yourself and you will find similar, in fact in the Western society I live in, it is positively encouraged to judge ourselves and others and often in very superficial ways. It is an awful way to live and I am beginning to feel a deep sadness about it and stopping the criticism when I notice it and looking more deeply into why I am doing it.
I agree with Jesus and Mary that as children we learn to judge, berate and belittle ourselves, because it is easier to do that than feel the pain of being judged, berated and belittled by our parents and in fact we even get rewarded for taking the blame at times.
My sadness is the rising of memories of how much I was blamed as a child for things that were not my fault – such as my mother’s unhappiness. That is a big weight for a child to carry on her shoulders. It’s the “I’m never good enough” emotion and it runs deeply in me. Sometimes I feel grief about it sitting in my chest and it starts to rise and it feels like it will choke me. I’m not quite willing to let it come all the way yet.
So in my last post there was a lot of truth in what I said about being very suppressed and the big impact on my life, but also a lack of compassion. So I have been experimenting -allowing more gentleness with myself and it feels so much better and emotions flow more easily: it’s a learning curve and ongoing process. I can feel this little girl in me and she is very sad about what was happening around and to her. To acknowledge her and let her cry – let myself cry will be such a relief. It will feel so strange too and it is also why it is happening very slowly right now in lots of little moments throughout the day, but it’s so much better to finally pay some attention to the pain.
Mary gave me some feedback in 2016 about being more compassionate with myself. It was feedback about an interview I did for a podcast where I hadn’t realised that I wasn’t being treated lovingly by the interviewer. That I didn’t notice unloving treatment hit me, but mostly what hit me was the love and compassion that I heard in her voice for me and I cried, both touched, but also finding it difficult to receive.
Two years on and I beginning to get it as I’ve been trying out and paying attention to God’s messenger – the Law of Attraction. I also notice how many more spirits surround me and join in with the harshness and when I am softer, they have less say and I feel lighter.
I have always been “strong,” and it is a quality that is admired in society, but I’m tired of it, tired of being told to keep going. I don’t want to be strong anymore, because actually I don’t even understand that term anymore. I may have kept going, picked myself off the floor a thousand times, but do you know what got me back up or stopped me killing myself even? It wasn’t the thought, oh I must be strong. It was hope, like a whisper in my ear – a feeling I can’t explain much more than and for a second I wasn’t alone.
I recently watched an old talk called “The Laws Governing Self Love” from 2009 after seeing a few quotes on Facebook from a Divine Love Daily quote page that was started. I found them difficult to watch and from what Jesus said so did most of the audience: we really struggle with self love. I have realised I don’t know much about self love, and I suspect most of us don’t and that talk highlights so many areas still to be understood about self love ( and Love).
The section of the talk about forgiving yourself was particularly poignant and at one point Jesus says, “A person who is merciful towards themselves doesn’t judge themselves for taking 25 years to get to a place that could have taken them 3 months. They don’t judge themselves about that.”
Recognise yourself? I did. No wonder I find forgiveness of others hard, I haven’t forgiven myself and I am pretty certain there are some things I think I need to forgive that weren’t my fault. But the list of things I need to forgive myself for is long and I can feel now that softness will allow that; compassion and understanding, which will allow me to love myself enough to cry and yes have mercy with myself, just as God does.
What beautiful words they are: compassion, gentleness, mercy, grace, forgiveness. I can feel some wonderful healing alchemy just saying them: there is movement in them, like a beautiful river. Very different from the sounds of judgement, harshness, critical and I wonder at the symbolism in the language, but it’s true – say them out loud and you will feel the difference.
So right now, in my life, I am very insecure about many things. I don’t really get how to love myself yet and I feel scared about lots of things. People scare me somewhat because I find it hard to believe I am lovable. I just to say this because I know so many of you feel the same inside yourself. But I am in a much better place than I was three months ago when I was pretending I was feeling great and trying to convince myself and others that I was heading for bigger things, and such similar things.
I am better because I am slowly learning not to hide away from myself and now I have the power to change things because I am bringing them out into the light. But most importantly, I am realising it is not about pushing, shoving or forcing myself into submission, but leaning into patience, understanding and love with myself.
When I was a nurse, we didn’t stick a little plaster over a deep wound to hide it and pretend it wasn’t there. Instead we opened the wound, allowed pus to seep out and gently cleaned it every day, until all the yuckiness had gone and new cells then had room to grow and fill in the hole with fresh tissue and blood supply. We didn’t rush it, couldn’t rush the natural processed that needed to occur, allowing the body time to heal so that the job was done properly and would remain healed and healthy. We knew that the infection and the hole weren’t permanent, but just a consequence of an injury and we knew the body had an incredible capacity for healing, with tender care and patience.
So you see, I have known all along what to do!
It has been a long time since I have written my blog. I have thought many times to write and then changed my mind, which relates to the comings and goings in my own soul: the feelings of overwhelm – which I still don’t like and then dipping ( bit of an understatement) into resistance – preventing the flow and making words difficult. But I do have a desire to share so that it may help others just as other people words and experiences have helped me, so here I am.
I was completely blocking God and God’s truth out for a while, struggling with other issues in my life and stubbornly being self-reliant and following old patterns and addictions ( emotional and physical). But during the last couple of months my desire for change and to learn more has come back and I have been spending more time listening to videos and reading about God. What I have found really useful is journaling as soon as I wake. I scribble away about sleep state, dreams, things that that I felt the day before – just about anything, without restraint and I am learning things about myself all the time.
I love what I read about God and the universe we live in, most of the time, but sometimes the contrast between where I could be and where I am hurts and that is what I am going to write about.
To understand more of what I am about to talk about, it will really help you to listen to “How the Human Soul Functions” and “Emotions and Feelings” on the Divine Truth FAQ Youtube channel and on the Divine Truth channel, “Understanding your Emotional Self” from 2014. ( Also found on divinetruth.com)
I am going to list many of them and then explain further below: (please also see the glossary page for some short explanations of some of the vocabulary I use)
- I am an absolute Master of suppression, resistance, and denial.
- I am full of anger – mostly adult anger, related to my many, many addictions that I use to suppress, deny and resist more painful emotions such as fear, shame, grief.
- My anger is there every day ranging from mild annoyance to full blown rage. I do not allow it to be felt.
- I believe that controlling/denying/resisting my anger is a good thing, but God’s truth is if it is in me it is coming out into my environment, being projected at others. Denying it is the worse thing.
- God’s truth is my anger is very, very damaging to myself and everyone around me. It is hellish and whilst I have it in my soul I am in the Hells.
- I have not awakened to the sin (something out of harmony with love) of what holding onto my anger is doing to myself or others.
- I hold onto my anger as I feel in control and more powerful. I do not want to feel weak and vulnerable.
- Ironically, I am currently more able to be manipulated and controlled by spirits in my current condition. The feeling of power is a facade, but one that I like and I am willing to be in addiction with spirits to maintain it.
- My huge amount of anger and addictions is covering about a huge about of fear and terror that I don’t want to feel. I am very desensitised to most of my emotions, in fact.
- I am the creator of my own suppression, denial, resistance and substitution of emotions – though I was also taught how to this as a very young child, by my environment, but I have honed the skill!
- The original causes may be from my childhood, but I have added and added to them and in fact, whether I like this or not, I am the only one who can release all of my emotions. I am the only one who can allow the expression of my anger – allow it to flow.
- Expressing my anger must be done alone to be done in a loving way.
- The anger is part of my facade as are my addictions and it is will take an EXTREME use of my will to release and break down my facade. It will be the hardest thing I do, ever, I feel.
- Living in suppression and resistance and denial has not made me happy and has led to suffering and pain and will continue to do so if I continue to hold on, especially now I have heard God’s truth on this.
- But the suffering and pain is God telling me something is wrong – it is a message to call me to correct it, to try a new way: it is an act of love – something I struggle to understand emotionally as being shut down to emotions, also means I am shut down to love.
- God is offering me a solution in every moment, but I need to make use my free will in a loving way and allow myself to become sensitive emotionally, ( as God designed us to be), to develop a desire to love ( allowing myself to feel is loving), a desire to receive Gods love ( which will speed up and help the whole process), a desire for God’s truth and a desire to be humble to truth and love and feeling all my emotions.
- When I accept all that I just said in point 16 emotionally, my life will change dramatically.
- When I accept point 17 emotionally I will know this.
This is a really important point that Jesus (AJ ) mentions again and again. We cannot KNOW something until we feel it emotionally. Our soul, which governs everything in our life, is emotional – it learns and experiences emotionally or for many of us now – it’s not learning much because it’s do full of error-based emotions. I can vouch for this from my personal experience. I am an intelligent person. I pick up a number of things quite easily. My IQ is pretty good. Even Divine Truth I can spout off the theories and things I have heard Jesus and Mary say pretty well. However, despite all the things I “know” intellectually my life remains quite small and restricted. How come an intelligent person like me can’t sort that out? With all the information I am holding in my brain I should be in a high-flying career possibly, in a good relationship maybe and out there in the world, doing more, even having a few adventures. But also, I have listened to the Divine Truth teaching for 6 years and yet only a few small changes have occurred and in fact I am still dodging the big stuff all the time.
From that, it is logical and obvious that I don’t really know it. I have just retained information. If I really knew that Divine Truth and God’s Love would change my life in wonderful ways wouldn’t I be doing it every minute of the day? I am on my third reading of the Robert James Lee books, where there is such incredible information on the how everything in this universe is based in Love and how much God is doing to call us home to know our true selves and to know Him, to be happy. I do cry when I read some parts of it. It does touch me in some way, but if I really believed everything Aphraar tells us in that book, I would be living and breathing those truths every minute of every day. I am not. Therefore, something is stopping me from truly knowing and understanding it and it’s not my intellect. Also, I am very determined about something when I want to be. So I have a strong will, but it is questionable in how I am using it right now.
So if it’s not my intellect and not a weak will, as such, it has to be emotions. Over the years I have tried many ways to heal – Christianity, atheism, psychology, therapy, hypnotism, NLP and various other new age methods, yoga, meditation, chakra clearing and the list goes on. They helped somewhat for a short while, but inside lay this deep despair at times, a feeling of lack about myself, a hopelessness about love, confusion about life and much self doubt and poor decision making.
So it is and has to be emotions in me. I haven’t known the truth emotionally indicated by my life and how I feel. For instance, at work I have had a facade of confidence, capability, but many times I would go home and cry, criticise myself, feel crappy, eat a lot to comfort/suppress and also get mad at people for not helping or making me feel better ( addiction).
The world is currently in a state of avoiding and being terrified by emotion. The world is currently in a terrible state: wars, lies and deceit, secrecy, fear, poverty, children are being murdered by the millions. Our desensitisation is not working! Our hidden dark emotions of anger and fear rule our lives. It is so obvious really. We have created many things from our intelligence – space rockets, computers, medicines, but we can’t feed everyone, or provide shelter for all, or take care of the plants and animals that actually help us sustain life. Something is wrong and it is not our intellect.
So despite all my “efforts” at healing, I am now in the place of having to face the truth of the layers of what I feel is protection and safe, but actually, is just a pile of addictions and anger to avoid how I really feel; how much fear and shame and sadness is still in my soul. I keep trying to skip the anger as I was taught it is not something that is not “ladylike” to express; I have to be a “good girl;” if I express I am damned to hell forever; I will be punished, denigrated, shamed and blamed; I am selfish and horrible; afraid of what expressing my anger will mean/where it will lead. All these false belief systems that I live in and ignoring God’s truth that I am allowed to express my anger ( lovingly) and it is good for me to do that as it’s the top layer; it’s loving to myself and the world to let emotions flow.
Firstly, I am letting the people who taught me all that still rule my life and I am shutting out the one parent, who loves me unconditionally. My God is fear, a prison of my own making. But WE CAN ONLY CHANGE THE THINGS WE STOP DENYING and I guess I am moving out of the denial phase. I have been doing that very slowly for the last couple of years, but now I am facing up to the fact that i do have a big pile of unloving emotions in me and sitting on top of everything is my anger/addictions and a huge facade.
I need to and am beginning to want to swing the pendulum of my strong will across from suppression, denial, resistance, substitution and fear over to one of truth, love and humility. Even as I say that I can feel how difficult love is for me and I feel overwhelmed with the task ahead, but fifty years of destroying my life in many ways so what is another fifty sorting it out – though the more desire I develop for Love, Truth and humility the faster I will progress. But in perspective I will have a much longer time of good things that the fifty years of hell I may have been in.
I am curious and that helps me: What is it like to be an emotional being? Can I really feel that God exists and that She loves me? What would heaven be like? What is love like? What is it like to be truthful and fear less? Who am I really without all this “mud” stuck to me? So many questions and curiosities stirred by discovering these teachings and witnessing first hand two people walking that walk.
So what will help me/us?
- Developing a sincere desire to Love and be loved, particularly from God.
- Developing a sincere desire to receiving God’s truth.
- Developing humility – the sincere desire to feel all my emotions all the time and to receiving truth.
These three things will include help me have a strong will to release my anger, my addiction and break down my facade. From then underlying emotions will be able to flow out more easily. My hurt child will be able to grieve, my fear will be able to be felt.
Please note – in saying this I am saying what I have learnt from Jesus and Mary who DO know this because, unlike myself yet, they have done it – they are doing the experiment and they and their lives have and are changing. But intellectually, it makes some sense to me – having tried pretty much everything else!
In the new age world, the dark night of the soul refers to feeling painful emotions, suffering in some way. I now feel that it may be difficult to feel certain emotions, but that is not where the dark night of the soul is. The dark night of the soul is the denial, suppression and resistance we are in; the life of physical and emotions addictions we live in day in, day out, where we cling to our “comfort” and “security” , but are in fact living in dark prisons of our own making, thinking and feeling small; living lives far away from what God intended. We are living in a dark, grey world from our souls’ perspective and the only way to bring in the light is stop the denial.
I have so much more I would like to say, but it is a long blog and well done if you have gotten to the end. I will write a follow up. The Divine Truth teaching shakes us to the core, but goodness we need it. Looking truthfully at ourselves, at our world right now will change everything. It’s not pretty, but it’s not permanent, but we need to take the first step.
WE CAN NOT CHANGE THE THINGS WE ARE DENYING AS THEY DON’T EXIST UNTIL WE SEE THEM.
Hi… this is a newsletter from Mary and Jesus and what they have been doing. I am so overwhelmed and blown away with the thought and organisation that goes on “behind the scenes” of sharing their knowledge and love with the world.
Also, a little while ago I wrote about a blog about how taking action is essential if you want to bring up emotions and that God wants us to experiment and I have breaking out of my own apathy in the last year. (another post on that in the future) but in this newsletter Mary highlights something really important about taking action that gave me a ping moment about myself so thanks Mary! I won’t give the game away, but do take a peek…
Time for another newsletter from Jesus and I.
First up, I know that many of you have been patiently waiting for a new video from us for 10 months. I’m pleased to let you know that we have just made 14 new presentations live on our main YouTube channel.
In all we have almost 60 new videos loaded on the channel and they will all gradually become public as Jesus finishes adding the descriptions and other final settings over the next week.
Jesus has been completing the work for the YouTube channel as I write this today and I just realised that it is the 25th of December. For people who don’t “do” Christmas, it does seem as though we are delivering you with a Christmas present of sorts.
This time of year tends to afford Jesus and I some quiet space to work on projects or ourselves while others…
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We live in a world where we say “there are plenty more fish in the sea;” where we console ourselves over lost love by imagining another person is out there and that our perfect mate is our choice. We just have to find the “right” one and often these days we have a list of requirements: tall, slim, happy, positive, makes me laugh, kindness, takes care of me, nice eyes, long legs, large breasts, intelligent, sexy, a good cook and so the list goes on.
In the process of looking for a good match, we make mistakes and kiss many “frogs” before we find out prince or princess. This is the same whether straight or gay. We keep looking for that other half to fulfil our lives, that person who will make us happy and whom we can share our lives with and yet we don’t want to admit there is maybe just one other half. The truth is we are told there is not just one special person, that there are many who we could match with and we just look for that best match. A few people believe in finding “The One”, but are often mocked about this. Our ideas about love and relationships is very confused and contradictory.
In the western world, at least, our ears are constantly filled with songs of broken hearts and lost love. The other side of the coin is the number of programmes about dating, finding dates, and even weddings. We are certainly looking, but in fact many of us are pretty confused about the whole thing. I recently watched a few episodes of a programme in the in the UK called first dates. I felt it was a bit of escapism, but I also think inside I am also trying to work out this love/relationship stuff, just like the rest of you. Before the dates they are the participants what they are looking for and in so many people I notice the first things people list are physical, even down the type of teeth, the next most common thing is “fun,” “make me laugh” and “be positive and happy.” ( to me this indicates how afraid we are of each other’s sadness) .For women the other frequent request is be a gentleman and be big/strong; keep me safe and take care of me. There is very little mentioned about personality, qualities, ethics, morals, or much of any real depth. It may possibly be there, but they don’t say it.
Between the lines there is a lot of disappointment, confusion and hurt about love and relationships as well as a huge amount of fears about not being loved and accepted and safe. I too have these emotions, but what I have realised lately is that I have never felt truly seen or loved for myself. I always had this feeling that any mistake I made I would be punished and rejected. My belief is that to be loved I had to be perfect.
Then it hit me that the other side of this was that I had never allowed myself to be truly seen and that I didn’t even love or know myself so how could expect anyone else to love the real me. I don’t even know the real me, myself yet. I learnt early on in my childhood, like many of us, that to receive “love” I had to become the person that was acceptable to my parents and other adults around me. I had to be “good girl” or “helper” or “servant” or any other role that fitted their beliefs about me. I don’t remember my mother ever asking what dreams I had or what I would like to be. I just remember if I showed an emotion she didn’t like or expressed something she didn’t understand or want to hear or was too busy to listen too I was shut down, screamed at or ignored. So to not get punished or yelled at or ignored or rejected by my parents I became what they wanted and the feeling I have now is that “I” fragmented across the universe somewhere; went into hiding and quickly formed a facade that helped me survive, but in the long-term was and is deeply painful and got the point until recently where I really believe my facade is me.
This is the truth for most of us in one form or another and so we grow into adulthood with roles. For men is could be provider; strong; capable; husband; lover ( who knows what he’s doing) or “DIY-er, for example. For women there are many roles: carer; mother; nurturer; helper; virgin; sexy; sister; friend; multi-tasker and these days we are often expected to be able to and expected to be all of them plus have a career. It is pretty exhausting. But which one or any of them is us, the real us?
We can’t find love, I haven’t found love because I haven’t found me, and I haven’t found love because I haven’t even understood love. When I watched that dating programme I saw clearly, what Jesus has been teaching, that most relationships are based on co-dependency and we think that is love. We think that someone who fulfils all our needs or more truthfully, the “holes” in us is someone who loves us and we love someone if we fulfil all their needs: it is an emotionally addictive bartering system.The trouble with having a list of wants is that we are often never satisfied and is based on someone or both people sacrificing themselves or parts of themselves.
I can look back on all my relationships and see in each one I became who they wanted me to be. I fitted into their life, rather than discover what I wanted and when their were times I started to seek something for myself the relationship would start to break down: the bartering system started to shatter. In this process, I compromised myself in so many ways: self-love, sexually, ethically and morally. Over time, my disappointments and hurts and pain got deeper and my demands to them got greater. I tried to have control over everything and I got angry and more in addiction. My fear and sadness got greater and the things I did and the things I wanted partners to do to stop me feeling my sadness and fear got darker.
Co-dependency is a sticky, thick, ugly thing. It is all about facade and it may feel “comfortable” or “safe” because it helps us avoid painful emotions, but is does not lead us to love. How can we be intimate when we are not being our true selves? We are being a lie and living a lie. I feel very sad about the lie I have lived for so long and because it has been lived for so long there is a lot of lies/facade to break down and a lot of unlovingness to myself and others to face.
So how to do we change it? How do I change it? For me, apart from a lot of self-reflection and increasing my longing to understand and know the truth I have also been trying to learn about love; the real truth about love – God’s truth about love. It isn’t easy and I find myself confused at times, fighting between old belief systems, the world’s belief systems, versus what Jesus and Mary are teaching. The facts are there though – look at the world – if we knew love, it would not be as it is. If we knew about love, we would not be so obsessed with our version of romantic love that seems to go wrong constantly. We are not being honest that we just don’t know. The fact is I think we just have to start again – look at the whole thing again.
Something else has hit me in recent years and listening to Divine Truth is the idea that I have a soulmate – THE other half of my soul: the perfect partner for me, created for me by God. Yep, despite free will, it seems that we don’t have a choice in who our soulmate is! That is pretty confronting if you compare it with the world’s view. We can of course reject our soulmate and try to defy what God created for us, but for me it is a fact I can’t ignore. I am not sure if I have accepted it 100%, but I do know that I can’t just look at any man anymore. As those of you who have followed my blog you will know I have suspicion who my soul mate is, but because of all my emotional injuries I really don’t know for sure and to be honest, not even sure how I could have attracted him into my life even temporarily. I have some deep emotions to heal around gender and sexuality and other things.
But, logically, it makes sense that to know the other half of me, I need to start knowing who I am. If I want to be intimate with my other half, I have to find that intimacy with myself: fearlessly and I have to start challenging my beliefs about love because they sure haven’t worked so far. The “love” I have known has been conditional and in God’s eyes that isn’t love. Jesus teaches, love is a gift: unconditionally and in my heart I don’t know that yet.
I have been reading a book called “Loveability: how to love and to be loved” by Robert Holden and he talks about our deep fear that we are unloveable and it has led to our obsession with falling in love. This obsession is about being loved rather than being loving, indicating that fear of unloveablity. He says we need to stop falling and start thinking what real love is. This is what Jesus has been saying for 2000 years – what is real love and indicating that real love is demonstrated constantly by God in so many ways in our lives.
In the book, unconditional love is summarised and is very similar to what Jesus teaches so I like what was written:
- “Love is not an act… not an audition.” Jesus says that love and truth go hand in hand so you can not love or be loved if you are in facade.
- “Love is not a bargain.. it is not a currency you buy things with…Love does not make deals. Love does not say, ‘I will give you love, but first you must give me something else.” This is the bartering system I was talking about and most of us are in these type of relationships ( any type of relationship). I love this quote by Hafiz, “Even after all this time, The sun never says to the earth: “you owe me!”
- “Love is not idolatry… when you don’t feel equal you give yourself away and take on a role.. they block intimacy. They conceal dishonesty.” I have done this many times – made myself smaller, less important than the other. If you make someone else higher than you, you live in fear and suffering: this is not love. It is a lack of self-love at the very least.
- “Love is not special…. such as, “I’ve been saving all my love for you.” You are making someone into your “holy cow,” Robert Holden says, and use them to “milk as much love as possible.” Love is not exclusive for one person, the goal is to love everyone. When you love you can love anyone ( though of course soulmate love or love with God with is different – though I will admit I am struggling with this one).
- “Love is not selfish..Love is full of desire. You are intent on knowing the whole person… drop the mask and stop hiding. ” This makes me feel that Love is brave and open: it flies and dances. I have felt lust and infatuation – both feel addictive and selfish – it is all about what you can get.
I think hearing that Love is a gift has been one of the most important things I have heard. It really made me think about my demands, my fears and truly how loving or not I have been over the years. From this point, I can ask myself: do I really love this person freely, without condition? Am I willing to gift my love without expectation or demand? Then if I feel any demand or expectation I know in that moment I am not loving them.
Also, do I really want to know them? Do I really want them to know me? Am I prepared to be vulnerable and open and humble to the errors and fears in me? This is intimacy – being prepared to be completely vulnerable and it scares the crap out of me and yet I am also curious. I have tried the other way and it has brought me much unhappiness, and suffering.
We need to be prepared to see the mountain of evidence that we know little about love and that’s okay. Just be honest about where we are at and build a desire to know the truth. When I was a child I had this feeling, among all the chaos around me, that if they just loved more things would be better: that love would be the answer. When we are kids we do know much more than the adults around us often. I grew up sadly, feeling my heart had been very badly battered and bruised – but it wasn’t and isn’t love that does that. It is not-love that does that. So to find love, to know love, we need to look at the not-love in the world: the not-love in ourselves, our false beliefs, our neediness, our fear, our grief.
We can’t change things we are lying about – because a lie isn’t a reality: it is a lie. Only the truth can create change, because it is truth and logically truth is real. For me, my personal truth is too impacted by emotional baggage at the moments so I look for a greater truth – a higher truth and only God has that. That is what makes God, God – she knows more than us – about love and about what is true. Jesus says to learn about love we have to learn about Love from someone who obviously knows more about love than us. Weirdly, we often try to learn from others around us who know as little or less than we do: we all scramble around in the dark together. So stop scrambling and look for someone who carries the torch. Only they can show us the way: the ones who carry the light: there are a few on earth, but a more guaranteed source in God. Praying for the faith to really know that in my heart – what a day that will be!
@2017 Maxine x
This post is a bit different from my normal posts, but it is still about love. This time it is about my love for animals and specifically a protected species that is being mindlessly killed by the thousands here in the UK: Badgers. I have decided I want to stop the badger culling that is happening. To save them, but also to pay back something to the animal kingdom as I used to be a meat eater and I can now feel how awful that is and for me helping the badgers is a step to atone for that unloving action.
To give a bit of background, I became a vegetarian back in 2001, but didn’t do it very well and became malnourished and ate fish again for a about 2 years or so. I obviously still had some emotions about food and eating to work through. Since my son was born in 1994 I had gradually gone off different types of meat, the last thing being chicken. Bit by bit I suddenly saw and felt the “meat” as a living breathing animal. I couldn’t disassociate anymore and then eventually the same happened for fish. I have now been vegan since the end of 2015, though I was hardly eating much dairy by then. I did it for health reasons and then watched the film “Cowspiracy” which not just talked about the animals, but also the impact on the environment of the meat and dairy industry, and that completed the transition.
Since I have become vegan I have over time found it harder to understand why people eat meat. I know it is not nutritionally necessary, but I guess there has been an emotional shift in me that now it seems very odd when I see people buying and eating meat and even at times, if I am honest, I am repulsed by it. I “see” the animals and I sometimes hear their cries.
Then lately, I have the feeling I want to atone for the sin of eating meat. This is not a judgement on those that do, but just how I feel within myself. The badger culling has upset me since I first heard about it and I signed a petition, but now I am wanting to do more if I can so I hope I can contribute some awareness to start with.
The reason for badger culling, so the government say, is to reduce the incidence of bovine TB, which has devastating effects on the farming industry and their families. (Of course if we didn’t eat meat or dairy this wouldn’t even be an issue as farming would be plant-based).
Here are the facts: (source the Badger Action Network and Wildlife Trust)
- This year 19,274 badgers were culled ( and this doesn’t include the number in West Somerset or West Gloucestershire)
- Next year 33,841 are targeted
- A scientific study was done between 1998 and 2006 where Lord Krebs concluded, ” badger culling can make no meaningful contribution to cattle TB control in Britain” and “Culling is not a viable policy option.”
- The primary cause of the spreading of Bovine TB has been shown to be cattle to cattle.
- In fact, Bovine TB exists in the countryside and has been found in everything from soil, earthworms, cats, sheep pigs and more.
- Badgers were protected by the Protection of Badger Act in 1992 and the Convention on Conservation of European Wildlife and Natural Habitats because they are a crucial part of an ecosystem. When one badger is killed the number of foxes doubled.
- The badger cull has no support from the British Veterinary Association, the public or any wildlife charities.
- There is no evidence that culling has changed the level of bovine TB. In fact prolonged culling has been shown to increase bovine TB levels because it affects badger behaviour and the location of badger setts.
- Badger Culling is more expensive than vaccination. Between 2012-14 £16.8 million was spent on the culling of 2,476 badgers which works out at £6785 per badger. Vaccinations cost £293 per badger
- Most scientists and wildlife experts believe that vaccination is more effective as it does not disrupt badger behaviour.
- More research also needs to be done on biosecurity to prevent cattle to cattle spreading of the disease.
- Here is a short film by some leading wildlife experts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhojkHMyaJg
So it all seems very clear and we can take actions: sign petitions, join local groups and write to MPs and much of that has been done. In fact, there has been a huge public outcry about this so why isn’t it changing? Why are the government ignoring experts and its voters and continuing with this illogical and awful killing?
I believe it is the same reasons, people still eat meat. We have become hugely disassociated from our emotions about animals and nature in general. We look upon our survival as dependent on us and our actions. We don’t accept emotionally simple facts, such as without trees, we won’t have oxygen; without flies, we would have piles of bodily waste products sitting on the planet. We don’t FEEL how much we need nature and in fact because of our development how we are the custodians of this planet and all the creatures in it and that possibly this beautiful place is ours to enjoy without the need to destroy it or the any living being who lives here with us. We still have very arrogant and maybe have religious justifications for “lording it over” animals, thinking we have a right to their meat, to their reproduction. Therefore, we don’t feel all our fears that underlie this: our fears about our own survival, for instance.
In the video, one expert stated he understood the farmers angry emotions about the impact of bovine TB on their lives and that because of this they wanted someone to pay. How awful, that it is now the badgers that are paying for the fact that farmers feel helpless, don’t want to feel helpless and want something to make them feel better: so let’s kill badgers and despite the evidence to the contrary. To be a farmer, you must have to become emotionally detached from animals and their suffering to varying degrees, whether it is sending them for the slaughter; putting newborn calves in tiny pens the same day as ripping from their mothers; killing hundreds of thousands of male chicks or forcing cows to produce gallons of milk time and time again after forcibly inseminating them.
But none of us are innocent in this. We demand dairy products, we love our cheese, we want our steaks and we want someone else to provide it for us, to kill the animal for us, to take the baby calf away so that we can drink it’s milk. We want that. So despite the fact than many of us are up in arms about badger culling, and we want animals to be recognised as sentient beings we actually are hypocritical every time we put on our leather shoes, or cut into our Christmas turkey. We won’t look at our real emotions – the un-lovingness in each of us that allows these things to occur and asks another person, a farmer to kill on our behalf.
We can not change things we are lying about. We can only change things when we face the truth, emotionally, of what is happening. If you really want to stop this awful culling, you can take some peaceful actions, but you can also ask yourself about how you really feel about animals. Watch things that will trigger emotions, such films as “Earthlings,” and don’t cover your eyes or press pause. Face the truth, feel it. If thinking was the answer all the scientific evidence would have changed things. It hasn’t. For some reason the culling is continuing so this means we are not recognising something we need to.
To not eat meat again I have had an emotional shift, over time that deepens over time. There are many who become vegan for lots of reasons and it is currently quite fashionable, but if the shift isn’t in your heart you will feel “tempted” to eat meat again, you will find it difficult or you will become anaemic because of your fears around plant-based diets.
We need to do the same for all our treatment of animals. Stop disconnecting, face the truth and chose Love. We ignore what is staring us in the face because it is not convenient, it challenges our “comfortable” lives and addictions. Ironically, that is the point, to change everything, we have to challenge and question all the ways we are doing things and seek the loving solution and the real truth. We will make mistakes, but the seeking of the truth is a very good first step. It is the that step which created this blog in the first place: an experiment, a searching and seeking for change.
I want to save the badgers. I want to learn what love is. But other times I am still very angry, in pain, wanting addictions and presenting a face to the world that isn’t me. That is the truth: a battle of my soul, a seeking and searching, making mistake after mistake and getting a few things right. But I would rather try than do nothing. As Roosevelt said:
“The best thing to do is the right thing. The next best thing to do is the wrong thing. The worst thing to do is nothing.”
Prayers for the badgers and all the beautiful creatures that share this world with me.
@2017 Maxine Bell
I haven’t written for a while as there are some changes happening and I am re-evaluating my blog – well my life actually. I have been taking some actions to help myself follow my desires, find work I love, find out more of who I am. I have been very busy and struggling at times with my 9-5, Monday to Friday job. Also, the last 15 months have been intense with things I have had to do for my son, who is an adult with Down’s syndrome. That story is a whole new post, but needless to say it has impacted life greatly and I have to look at my law of attraction and what it is really saying to me – not what I think it is saying.
I don’t find that easy, but the fact is I haven’t created much time to think about God or the Divine Truth teachings. I haven’t been able to help with the transcribing or watch many videos. What I have been doing is to keep challenging some comfort zones and have done a course to help me discover my desires and give me some tools for that. It has been really good. I have done some performance poetry, which I have loved and wrote to people I never would have done before. There has been fear and battles with apathy and/or addictions, but I keep finding a step to take and it feels good.
I am also connecting with people again and boy that brings you lots to learn about yourself, your fears, your addictions and your fears. Much more effective than hiding away – which I was doing for a few years.
I haven’t found time for everything and certainly still not spending enough time on things I love, and still emotionally resistance to feeling the deep stuff. I have discovered how important being present in my body is to feeling and realised how long I have been escaping out of my body to avoid feeling so now have some spinal work to see if that will help me unlock some emotions and of course I have to be willing.
I haven’t heard my guides for a while ( I don’t feel worthy a lot/resistance or in addiction, which prevents them helping me), but today I was sitting knitting ( a new hobby) and it stops me thinking and opens up another part of me and I started to write what I was “hearing” and got reminded that in all my busyness, my doing and trying, my intellectual working out of my issues, that I am still avoiding the big one: my relationship with God. Every time I have tried to do it, I stop as soon as I hit something, so my guides said that I need to prioritise above all else my relationship to God and all the things I am trying to and weighed down by will become clearer and easier. God’s love above all else will help me change my life. To feel my lack of faith, my blocks to God’s love are the biggest thing to focus on.
I have listened to this so many times from the DT talks, but like many, I keep going for the easier stuff ( or so it seems) as I don’t really know or have faith in the power of God’s love and I am afraid of it too. My guides gave me 4 pages of advice about this and then this is how it works. The law of attraction brought me a conversation with a friend, it triggered some emotions about men. I immediately went out for a walk, found a quiet country lane and stomped along swearing and ranting at God – so pissed at Him. I was rambling on like a mad woman until I actually ended up talking to my human father and crying about him and the feeling of never being good enough to be loved: touching the side of that deep fear that I am not lovable.
The funny thing is, I think of Divine Truth every day in some way and I wanted to write about the difference it has made in my life and I am not even on the Way yet, not properly. I haven’t opened to God’s love and I have lacked humility so many times. Yet, it has impacted my life hugely. What will it do when I really let God in?
So I thought I would write a list of how I feel Divine Truth teachings have helped me and changed my life already. For those of you who are curious maybe this will make you more curious. What I do want to do is acknowledge what it has done, with gratitude to Mary and Jesus (That’s me in 2013 – yellow top, just behind Mary and Jesus) for sharing what they know, with so much patience and compassion and for God, for creating such a system, that doesn’t let us get away with anything, but takes us to a place, a path, to our real, amazing selves. I am getting an inkling of me, a twinkling out of the corner of my eye, enough to make me look further. There are others such as Jesus and Mary, and the people like Aphraar ( see Robert James Lee trilogy on the extras page) who know more than me so do look there. In the meantime, here is what the DT teachings have done for me:
- Understand that I have a soul, a spirit body and physical body and that I am a soul and how that works
- That I am created to be emotional and that my soul is the power, not my mind.
- Some understanding of how the universe works, who God is and His Laws
- The difference between God’s love and truth and human understanding of love and how little we/I know of real love.
- To start to see the truth of my life and my soul condition, my emotional injuries and the sin ( things out of harmony with love) in me.
- How my suppressed emotions impact the world negatively
- How fear has been my God for a long time
- That God is interested in me, the real me, the “pinnacle of his creation.” and not the facade me
- That I matter.
- That there are absolute Truths
- Information and understanding of the spirit world and spirits.
- Understanding of spirit influence in my life and how I can change that.
- That what I think and what I feel can be very different and it is always the emotions in me that guide my life
- Some understanding of soulmates – that God designed a perfect mate for me and why I we currently don’t know that because of our emotional injuries.
- That I have spent much of my life in a facade, which has grown as I have grown, due to my fears and addictions to avoid my emotions
- To have compassion with myself
- That following my desires and passions is important. That my unique gifts make a difference to my soul and to everyone else around me.
- That there is a difference between natural human love and God’s love and they create two different ways of healing and growing and the potential of the second is far greater.
- That all the information I have learnt ( as above) has given me hope and empowered me. I had thought that life was meaningless, empty, but that it isn’t and that my younger feelings that Love guided everything is true and that I if I grow faith in this and God’s love for me, everything in my life can change.
- I am becoming a better person because I can examine and feel more truthfully about when I am sinning. I have stopped denying I have these ugly emotions in me.
- My desire to experience these emotions (without harming anyone) will set me free. I have the choice.
- To seek for my real self, to seek beyond what I thought I knew.
- To be truthful and that love and truth hold hands and one can’t exist without the other.
- Without knowing some of the Divine Truth teachings I would not have coped with the cancer as well; I would not have understood it’s root and causes, I would not have found a reason to keep living.
Many of these statements are just intellectual understandings for me at the moment, some are hopes that they may be true and a few have really hit home. When I first listened to Secrets of the Universe back in 2012 it really hit my soul that truth I had been seeking was here. I didn’t anticipate how much it would rock my world and uproot every belief and everything I thought I knew. Until recently, I built any self worth I had on my intellect and then to learn that my intellect meant so little and in fact I honestly had to admit my intellect alone had not found the answers or healing I was seeking. I have been and continue to be confronted with my own unlovingness, my own lies and self-delusion: in fact most of the things I have known have been shown to be wrong and boy do I resist the change, the challenge to my belief structures and hold onto fears and anger: anything to feel safe.
BUT I have not been happy in my so-called “safe” zones. I have been a shrivelled mask of my self, disconnected and disassociated from real love and life. With Divine truth I have seen things differently, experimented with new ways and admitted truths to myself and it has made me now think more carefully about my choices and my behaviour: asking what is really loving in this moment? What would Love do? What is God’s truth?
It turns out that God’s truth is that we are all very, very important; very, very loved and with a ton of potential to be amazing ten times over, once we choose to seek true Love. Divine truth has and is changing my life and this is with only small steps on my part. I observe others doing better on the path than me and so the changes in their lives are greater and for some reason I can never and do not want to let it go. There is nothing like these truths. This is not meant arrogantly: I have tried many other things and beliefs and nothing sparkles in my soul like this.
It has gifted me so much already and I don’t think I know it fully yet, but it has. My outlook on life has changed and now my actions are starting to follow in certain areas, at least. What we are seeking is already here. I hope in the next few years I can demonstrate more, and be walking my talk more than I am now. But whatever I do, you can choose to check it out for yourself and if you do I hope some of the things on these pages help you.
How much do I desire what is in my heart?
I have been looking more into the truth of what I desire and experimenting with observing what I create every day from my desire. I have also been becoming more sensitive to how it feels when I do and when I don’t follow a desire. The following notes are from that experimentation and from the Divine Truth teachings. I will put a reference to the talks that have helped me the most with this at the end.
The evidence of my desire for a particular thing or a things, is in my actions every day: the amount of time I think about it, feel about it, read about it, investigate it, experiment with it, act on it. If I am not doing this then there are some emotions in the way: fear; fear of change; fear of who I may become; fear of failure and how terrible that may feel. We may think we want to become that new person, that we want the change, but an emotion in our soul is in disagreement with that thought because it is our soul which is actually the true driving force of how we act on our desires or not. Our soul tells us the truth, whereas our mind can manufacture thoughts that are not true and often distracting. It is just our mind, but we are our soul.
Our soul contains all of our emotions and our beliefs – many error based from our childhood environment. Our soul also contains our passions, desires, intentions, memories. But it cannot contain both the truth on a subject and the error on the same subject. To know the truth we have to release error.
So if my parents have told me all my life I am incapable, or a failure, a disappointment – we are terribly afraid that what they said or projected at us may be true and if we hold onto that fear it prevents us taking action on our desire. We don’t challenge that belief we will stay stuck in it. If we don’t challenge our fear we cannot follow our desires.
I live in my fear, my fear creates all sort of excuses for not following that desire: I don’t have enough time; I can’t afford it; what will my partner think; my children need me. I also create many addictions to distract me from the fear – that keep me busy and “comfortable.” I stay stagnant or even get in a worse state as our soul shrinks when we deny it, when we don’t feel, and when we don’t follow our desires.
Jesus teaches that fear is the biggest block to desire. The more we live in our fear we have the less desire we have, the less we know what our desires even are. Instead, if we act on a desire, however small, and we let ourselves feel our fear, but not let it stop us, we will release some fear and then there is room for more desire in our soul.
I have felt how it has felt lately when I have followed a desire even when I was very afraid. I recently did a performance for the solo autobiographical theatre I started this year (to get out my comfort zone) and I deliberately included in it two things I was terrified of doing in public: dancing and singing. ( There are also two things I love doing). For a week before I felt shaky inside, woke up in the night with fear, felt sick, couldn’t think straight at times because all I could feel was this fear pulsing through me. But, I did it anyway, and goodness it was so freeing. I learnt that my fear didn’t kill me, that it is just a feeling. It may sound silly, but I have had a fear of fear – that it would overwhelm me to the point of death. I am not saying that has gone fully, but this one step has given me some faith that fear will not kill me. I also felt my soul expanded. I feel braver and more willing.
These feelings are in stark contrast to what I have been feeling for a long time: restricted, oppressed, small, lost, despairing – like where is the real me? I have felt so disconnected from my own soul and as time goes on it becomes more painful to not be me, to live in facade, to live in fear.
So what does my heart really desire? I just need to look at my day what I create every day: I create what I desire. So if I truly, sincerely want change it will happen and I won’t let anything stop me. If change doesn’t happen then the truth is my soul is actually saying, “I am too afraid of change” or “I don’t feel worthy” – feelings like that. So be honest. If we keep deceiving ourselves that we want something and getting frustrated that it isn’t happening, blaming outside forces, or making excuses we will remain stagnant.
God wants us to discover and follow our passionate desires. It is the most loving thing you can do for ourselves: to discover our worth, our real self in the process.
I starting to have some faith and some belief that it is okay for me to follow my desires. I am the at the beginning of that path and ironically maybe, just stepping out of my comfort zone a bit has also highlighted how much grief I have yet to process over my lack of self-worth. But that’s okay, as I have been pretending for a while I was feeling much better about myself than I actually do. The denial was doing me much more harm than the truth I am now feeling. What is now occurring is a deeper shift that feels long-lasting. Baby steps – but like a baby the more I walk the steadier I will get and the then the faster I will get.
So being honest about our desires, about our fears, about our excuses and blocks will create movement. Taking action is a must. It means we are not living in our fear and it will automatically trigger the emotions we need to release.
Imagine living in your passion – what will that feel like? Oh just to feel it, to experience it. Look at those that are doing this. They don’t go to work, they go to play.
I am very curious about my potential and I am curious about yours.
What do we desire? But more than that, what are we doing about it?
References/more information –
The Law of Desire:
How the human soul functions:
A wonderful children’s story, but good for us adults and our reluctance and fear of change. Well worth a listen….
I’m really excited to share a story I wrote called ‘Little Acorn’.
‘Little Acorn’ is a story that teaches children (and adults 🙂 ) about the Development Principal – God’s principal of life that encourages change and growth. Though I wrote it 7 months ago, I decided to film and upload it today (incidentally, my 30th birthday!) as I would like to share it as soon as possible. Ideally though, I’d love the story to be a picture book and am hoping that one of my viewers would like to illustrate this.
If you are an artist and are interested in illustrating this story, please get in touch via our Contact page.
I hope you enjoy the story.