We were up early collecting the Luton Van and I was so grateful that Robby has 9 years of trucking around Europe under his belt and despite the force gales winds that blew us across the road at times I felt safe. As it turned out the biggest challenge was off loading everything. The loading went well, we were organised and methodical and everything fitted nicely into the van. We drove down the motorway carefully, on soaked roads, strong winds and views that just kept showing us field and fields of water: a changing landscape that felt unfamiliar and surreal. Britain has become not just a land surrounded by water, but one half drowning in it.
Not having a permanent home yet, everything was going into storage. When we arrived our storage container was small and it was raining heavily with howling winds. Trying to arrange all the boxes and bits of furniture in such a small space required putting some outside for a while. The rain slowed down a bit at first, but then suddenly a huge downpour being blown right into the container meant we had to speed up and just pile everything in. But despite our best efforts many things got very wet and we had to leave it all squeezed in and damp. I could see some of the wood already stained with rain. On the next dry day we will return to check the damage, but it didn’t look good.
It was frustrating and at one point I screamed out into the rain. All these years of making do, not feeling I deserved better, putting my son’s needs first welled up as I felt what I had done to myself, how little I allowed myself. In these momenst there also follows a surrender: that furniture is just stuff and on the face of it, much of what I have represents settling for cheap or “make-do” bits and pieces. The wardrobe I had, fell apart in the rain and then I realised I didn’t even really like it, but it had been second hand, cheap and convenient at the time. It was, like much of what I have not something I loved or represented me.
Also, this was Robby and I’s first real move together. He had moved into my rented house in Somerset when we first got together. This move means we choose a home together and in the future we plan to replace some of things we have lost, with things that we really love. Things that represent a higher view of ourselves, an growing level of self care and love. This is not about selfishness, it is about self-value: about knowing we deserve a warm, comfortable home that expresses us and our personalities and creativity. It is not about the money spent but the value we put on ourselves whether we spend £1 or £100. So in this we feel the gifts in all that occurs with our move.
The full moon is about letting go of the old so it is totally right we may have lost much of the old here: the physical losses being symbolic of letting go of old false beliefs about ourselves. We are moving out of a comfort zones we created to feel safe, but that were also imprisoning. We are choosing to start afresh, to set down roots, to face fears in the process. The last few weeks have been very challenging, money has been tight, but then sudden unexpected help has popped up and we have enough, which right now feels abundant. We have felt vulnerable, but I also notice we are feeling our desires, and we want to play. Our new place offers the sea, wild moors, forests to explore and all the activities offered there from kayaking to rock climbing, to sailing. Who knows what we do in our playtime, but it feels it is about time. Too many years of not noticing ourselves knocked on the head.
It happening in the middle of a storm actually feels quite right as strong winds literally blow the cobwebs away and heavy rain washes away the old, creating the new. In fact driving down to Devon, on my first small truck ride, battling the winds together with a man I love more and more seemed the most romantic Valentines day ever.
So here we are two minutes from the ocean, scared, unsure, but excited, feeling blessed and guided all in one breath. Sometimes change is good, no matter how stormy it feels at times. Our feeling is this change is really good, really good. At long last we choose differently, believe differently and trust differently and together loving differently.