Fear comes Knocking..

And so we find ourselves in an interesting situation. We are still living in a holiday flat since our move to Devon. Everything is in storage, tight rental market and tight finances: feeling very vulnerable. We desired change and here it is and the transition is exposing many emotions, many emotional injuries. That is the blessing.

Last year we knew we wanted to leave Somerset and waited for my son to start college, unsure of our next steps, we looked into something that turned out not to be right, not what it seemed. We didn’t know how else to create change, it felt like our financial situation was so limiting. How could we move on so little? We were struggling to pay our rent let alone find the money to hire a van, pay off the bills and move. But God heard our soul and brought us a Law of Attraction which gave us a loving kick: our landlady was forced to sell the house and we had to leave. As soon as we knew this it felt right and we started to get little financial gifts that helped us move: just enough to make it possible. I followed my guidance and returned to Devon: back to the coast I loved as a teenager. Robby is from Belguim so he only had one visit before we moved and trusted the feeling I had, though not without fear too.

So here we were in a holiday flat and two months later we are still here: not knowing how long we can stay. Finances are again very tight, finding the right home is proving more difficult than we thought. Yet I do have some work coming and some circumstances have kept a roof over our heads so far. But how do we solve this? My old way would have been action stations, don’t sit still, do, do , do: hours of leg work and humiliation walking round letting agents to no avail as they sit at their desk not interested in us, only in money, and ours doesn’t look good on paper: our honesty and sense of responsibility not enough. Humiliation and fear would have drove me on to the point of exhaustion. If I can just keep busy and keep trying everything, despite the fact I felt the situation seemed impossible: a strange combination of the glass half full girl and the one denying how terrified she felt inside.

This time I am trying to be more truthful with myself: gently proactive, but focusing on my emotions. I prayed for a law of attraction to bring up some of these emotions and on Saturday ended up driving in the thickest fog I have ever driven in. I couldn’t see any more than 10 yards ahead or the middle of the road most of the time. To add to this the seat belt alarm kept going off, making the situation more intense. I felt so vulnerable, so unsafe and the feeling unsafe emotion was pretty big. I can’t say I  reached the causal, but I touched its edges: there were many times I felt unsafe as a child. All these fears kept shaking through me: My life feels so unsafe, I am at the mercy of something or someone outside of myself. The little me wanted to be rescued but saw no one was there.

The other thing that effects both mine and Robby’s ability to get a home is our injuries of poor self worth and false beliefs around money, security and struggle. Not having a base, a secure place to live or the finances to do this creates a wonderful whirlpool of emotions to feel. I also find the fog a great metaphor for us: a message. Driving in the fog involves trust.. trusting yourself, going with the flow. You can’t see far ahead but you have to trust the road continues, that your wheels will stay on solid ground on a path to your destination. So here we are in our own fog right now, unsure, afraid, but hoping the road is leading to a place we know.

I realise now why I am short sighted: I have always been afraid to look too far into the future because the past felt so difficult:

No home,

No place to go,

No money,

No future I want to think of..

All these fears steeped up on me today.

Making changes, in circumstances created

By my old lack of self worth

and false beliefs about the struggle of life.

But fear is not truth.

Fear is the image of past hurts and future worries.

Fear is the imagined seeming real.

This fear does not tell the truth of my life

Or of myself.

There is sadness to feel of the past

that I had,

A rock removed from my soul,

And step by step

I listen to the truth.

I am more than my hurt,

My life has had more value

than I was told.

As I let the fears be felt and released,

there is room in my soul for my desires.

So the truth is.

We have a bed, food and each other.

And our desires are creating our home.

My soul does not need a roof,

It needs love,

My soul does not need a bed,

It needs forgiveness and compassion.

My soul does not need four walls,

It needs freedom.

And what my soul needs

Is what matters..

 

It is good to remember how much fear is removed from the truth. The fear we have felt is real on an emotional level, but it is not the story of our lives or our future. AJ/ Jesus once described our soul as an egg. The shell is our facade self, the white the injured self, the yolk is the true self. To get to that golden center we must break off the shell, release the white and there we find ourselves. Where am I? I have few cracks in my shell, a bit of egg white is oozing out… quite a way to go to feel my golden center, but I have faith it is there. I have faith in God’s truth or as in this song: through Heaven’s eyes. I shall let Jethro have the final words….

with love,

Maxine

 

 

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When Enough is Enough

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When you reach that point of enough is enough it is a powerful point of change in your soul if you embrace it. By that I mean embracing all the emotions within and below that feeling: the anger, the fear, the despair, the sadness, the anticipation. Today I reached an “enough is enough” point. Today I felt the fire in my belly as I cried from within and realised what I had been viewing as enough, as ok, was not: what I believed to be alright for me to accept for myself was not good enough anymore. It was small thinking, shrinking violet stuff, that does not reflect the true light God gave me. Instead I have been living the life others told or projected at me and I believed them! I saw myself as unimportant, incapable, untalented, unattractive and without impact, all my efforts unnoticed and irrelevant. But listening to the Divine Truth teaching the last couple of years has taught me that much of what I was thinking was irrational and illogical, from a wounded place and false beliefs. So when I think of these “small” and negative thoughts about myself it does not equate logically with my belief that I am a child of God and loved beyond measure. It is not that God doesn’t love me this “small” me: she does, but that like any true parent, she lovingly rejoices when I am doing what I love, when I grow into the soul She intended. As far as we know God’s plans for us are infinite. They are as wondrous or more wondrous than all her beautiful creations on this planet. Look at detail in a snowflake, the colours in a feather, the various songs of the birds, the individual cells and workings of our physical bodies: God’s creation is intricate, beautiful, fascinating,  and evolving. We are his children and we are all these things and more.

But most of us live in the shadow of ourselves, crawling on the floor, when we were actually made to dance wildly. We continue in our low movements for a long time, until we develop a desire for something else. Sometimes it is a quiet stirring within, a gentle observation of the people and life around you. We start to notice what we are NOT and what we do not want to be; we start to question our lives, our work, our relationships. For many of us there are long periods of numbness, of a feeling of vague questioning of how we live: we have opened our eyes a little wider. In each of these moments we can continue to open our eyes to more or we can close them again out of fear, or swing back and forth between the two. In each of these moments we can decide to feel a bit more than the numbness, the confusion and instead to really feel the other emotions we are hiding.

So enough is enough gives us the opportunity to feel many things. I am still in the middle of it and as I write I can feel anger, frustration, fear and some deep underlying grief. I have had enough of financial struggle, I have had enough of not having a real home, I have had enough of not feeling who I am, I have had enough of not fully embracing my desires, of not living with passion. I have had enough! As I sit and list these a deep sadness arises, one I know I am only touching the surface of, but which I know is a blessing to feel. Not feeling this sadness has kept me stuck and wanting many times: a feeling of being half-alive or less. What low sense of worth kept me living in this way? Kept me from dancing my dance with zest and wonder? So many things, so many suppressed emotions which I am praying to feel and release. I can feel how afraid I have been of coming out of my shell, my little protective bubble, my cocoon as I call it. A cocoon I made way back in my childhood to survive that has now become my prison of fear. I have been trying to knock through the walls of this prison, brick by brick and I know when I hit an “enough” point it can involve me knocking through a whole section of the wall if I desire it with all my heart. And I do. I have reached the end of this particular tether.

Even as I write I feel so many things, but I am glad to feel the emotions in motion. Many times in my life I have felt so little and be so out of tune with what was true for me; what was real; what I desired. Now I know that to feel everything is how God intended me to be. When I shut down  the sad and bad feelings I also shut down to the joy and love. Even though for me to try to feel everything is a rocky road right now I really know deep in my soul this is what I  must do, what we all need to do, to get back, to be as God intended us to be: fully emotional beings and fully alive.

Enough is enough is a crisis point in our journeys and any crisis point is an opportunity and with any opportunity we have a choice. A choice to be more loving or a choice to be unloving. For me there is no choice right now than to be loving to myself, to open inch by inch, millimetre by millimetre to God’s love. In fact “enough is enough” increases my desire more and more, to be more loving, especially to  myself right now. And even though there is some anger to feel and feel below, I also feel passion. Passion to love myself, passion to live my dreams and desires, passion to help others with what I am learning and experiencing and feeling, passion to connect with myself and my soul mate and more passion to connect to my true parent, our mother/father God.

The Narrow way, as Jesus calls it, the Way of building a relationship God through Divine Truth, receiving Divine Love and humility ( the willingness to feel ALL of your emotions) is hard at times. It is so different from anything we have known. It confronts everything we think we know and in its process I have lost friends, confused my family and faced some tough truths about myself. But, I have also discovered how incredibly loving God has made this universe and beyond, for us. It may not appear so to some, but now I have an understanding of God’s laws and more of an understanding of why I have been unhappy and how to change that, I know this is The Way home; this is The Way to heaven. I have a huge way to go to say I have true humility. I resist, I fight, I beg, I jump back in fear, I rage: pulled between what I thought I knew, how I was existing, by not feeling much and the discovery of this new way which wants me to feel everything. But I have tried a million other ways to heal, to be happy and they have only been temporary. This Way is lasting…this Way transforms my soul to how God intended it: pure, innocent, loving, joyful and playful. This Way has become my Way.. not as a follower but as an active participant and creator of my own life. By my own will and desire I choose Love, I choose humility and I choose Truth: God’s truth. I may only just be letting go of the milk bottle in my growth, but I will not give up. I have had enough of what I have known before. Enough is truly enough and I am eternally grateful for the teachings I have listened to, that have now, in time sung their truth in my soul. Now I choose, I desire a new way, the Narrow Way.

So yes enough is enough and now there is more…

With love, Maxine

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