Fear comes Knocking..

And so we find ourselves in an interesting situation. We are still living in a holiday flat since our move to Devon. Everything is in storage, tight rental market and tight finances: feeling very vulnerable. We desired change and here it is and the transition is exposing many emotions, many emotional injuries. That is the blessing.

Last year we knew we wanted to leave Somerset and waited for my son to start college, unsure of our next steps, we looked into something that turned out not to be right, not what it seemed. We didn’t know how else to create change, it felt like our financial situation was so limiting. How could we move on so little? We were struggling to pay our rent let alone find the money to hire a van, pay off the bills and move. But God heard our soul and brought us a Law of Attraction which gave us a loving kick: our landlady was forced to sell the house and we had to leave. As soon as we knew this it felt right and we started to get little financial gifts that helped us move: just enough to make it possible. I followed my guidance and returned to Devon: back to the coast I loved as a teenager. Robby is from Belguim so he only had one visit before we moved and trusted the feeling I had, though not without fear too.

So here we were in a holiday flat and two months later we are still here: not knowing how long we can stay. Finances are again very tight, finding the right home is proving more difficult than we thought. Yet I do have some work coming and some circumstances have kept a roof over our heads so far. But how do we solve this? My old way would have been action stations, don’t sit still, do, do , do: hours of leg work and humiliation walking round letting agents to no avail as they sit at their desk not interested in us, only in money, and ours doesn’t look good on paper: our honesty and sense of responsibility not enough. Humiliation and fear would have drove me on to the point of exhaustion. If I can just keep busy and keep trying everything, despite the fact I felt the situation seemed impossible: a strange combination of the glass half full girl and the one denying how terrified she felt inside.

This time I am trying to be more truthful with myself: gently proactive, but focusing on my emotions. I prayed for a law of attraction to bring up some of these emotions and on Saturday ended up driving in the thickest fog I have ever driven in. I couldn’t see any more than 10 yards ahead or the middle of the road most of the time. To add to this the seat belt alarm kept going off, making the situation more intense. I felt so vulnerable, so unsafe and the feeling unsafe emotion was pretty big. I can’t say I  reached the causal, but I touched its edges: there were many times I felt unsafe as a child. All these fears kept shaking through me: My life feels so unsafe, I am at the mercy of something or someone outside of myself. The little me wanted to be rescued but saw no one was there.

The other thing that effects both mine and Robby’s ability to get a home is our injuries of poor self worth and false beliefs around money, security and struggle. Not having a base, a secure place to live or the finances to do this creates a wonderful whirlpool of emotions to feel. I also find the fog a great metaphor for us: a message. Driving in the fog involves trust.. trusting yourself, going with the flow. You can’t see far ahead but you have to trust the road continues, that your wheels will stay on solid ground on a path to your destination. So here we are in our own fog right now, unsure, afraid, but hoping the road is leading to a place we know.

I realise now why I am short sighted: I have always been afraid to look too far into the future because the past felt so difficult:

No home,

No place to go,

No money,

No future I want to think of..

All these fears steeped up on me today.

Making changes, in circumstances created

By my old lack of self worth

and false beliefs about the struggle of life.

But fear is not truth.

Fear is the image of past hurts and future worries.

Fear is the imagined seeming real.

This fear does not tell the truth of my life

Or of myself.

There is sadness to feel of the past

that I had,

A rock removed from my soul,

And step by step

I listen to the truth.

I am more than my hurt,

My life has had more value

than I was told.

As I let the fears be felt and released,

there is room in my soul for my desires.

So the truth is.

We have a bed, food and each other.

And our desires are creating our home.

My soul does not need a roof,

It needs love,

My soul does not need a bed,

It needs forgiveness and compassion.

My soul does not need four walls,

It needs freedom.

And what my soul needs

Is what matters..

 

It is good to remember how much fear is removed from the truth. The fear we have felt is real on an emotional level, but it is not the story of our lives or our future. AJ/ Jesus once described our soul as an egg. The shell is our facade self, the white the injured self, the yolk is the true self. To get to that golden center we must break off the shell, release the white and there we find ourselves. Where am I? I have few cracks in my shell, a bit of egg white is oozing out… quite a way to go to feel my golden center, but I have faith it is there. I have faith in God’s truth or as in this song: through Heaven’s eyes. I shall let Jethro have the final words….

with love,

Maxine

 

 

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