IF I SURRENDER

surrender

 

If I surrender,

The world may cave in.

 

If I surrender,

I may crash and fall and stumble.

 

If I surrender,

People may think I’ve gone mad,

I’m too deep,

Too different.

 

If I surrender,

I may feel aloneness so deep, it will be like sitting

In a dark void where nothing and no one exists.

 

If I surrender,

I may get bashed or smashed or broken

Or beaten or bruised.

 

If I surrender,

I may have to let go of the fragile foundations I have built

And am convinced are safe; not happy, but safe.

 

If surrender,

The unknown will come knocking on my door

And scream in my face, “I’m HERE!”

 

But if I surrender,

I may discover all that I thought was true,

All the terrible hopeless things I thought, are false.

 

If I surrender,

I may tingle with the feeling of shedding a skin,

Unpacking my rucksack.

 

If I surrender,

I might finally cry all the unshed tears

And create oceans whose tides allow me to step on new shores.

 

If I surrender,

I might find I can dance

With a lightness I never knew before.

 

If I surrender,

I might discover what no tension feels like

The tension of having to be ‘strong’ and capable

And responsible and ‘alright.’

 

Instead if I surrender,

I might just feel and feel and feel and feel

And let my heart beat again.

 

If I surrender,

I might discover who I am really

And as I let go and allow the mud on me

To soften and melt.

 

If I surrender,

I might set myself free

To love again and to be loved.

 

If I surrender,

I will know that surrendering was not terrifying

And dangerous, but instead is

Beautiful and raw and tender and deep.

 

If I surrender,

I might find me.

 

Maxine Bell@2017

Maxine Bell @2017

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