I am finding doors in me opening at the moment from my desire to know the real me, the epiphany of what I was trying to skip over (addictions) and my conversations with God. Being on my own in this lockdown status we are in, I find myself chatting to God. I am not sure all of it is interesting and sometimes I just mumble away about day to day stuff, or involve Her in the moments when I am laughing at something silly I may have done or said (apparently I find myself quite funny at times or I’m going insane!) and other times it is a deeper discussion and prayer.
I think I mentioned before that what has echoed in my heart since I was in Australia with the Gods Way team, was their desire to know and be with the real Maxine, not the armour coated, fearful facade I live in; not the “good girl” facade or any other faces I wear to not feel exposed, judged, humiliated, attacked or disliked.
Of course, if we live in facade we cannot have a real relationship because no one gets the real us: this blocks intimacy and real love, the chance to attract our soulmate. This is also particularly true in our relationship with God. One of God’s attributes is Truth and a facade is a lie – a false self full of addictions, oppressing and suppressing the hurt child and our real self.
So I came back with a curiosity for my Self, which of course though I never thought of it at the time, is a challenge to my facade.
I started off my search for me by looking at some old photos of myself as a child, digging into memories of what I was like; what I felt; where my imagination took me; what I loved to do. It was about recalling other things beside the more traumatic or upsetting things. I have a lot of blanks anyway, but it was good to tune into other memories, though some of them had sadness attached too.
I remembered I have always loved nature and being outdoors, writing, learning, words and language, dancing and singing, even logic. I still have this curiosity about people, life, the world, spirituality, the extra-ordinary. I even remember some spirits I used to see and talk with: good and bad…the mediumship is still here now. A lot of this has been buried under the painful memories and the fact I have been in facade of course. It explains a kind of social anxiety/imposter syndrome I’ve always felt. It’s like holding your breath: living in facade – a lack of oxygen and movement, a painful shrinking you don’t even know is happening.
I have dealt with these negative feeling by continuing the shame and blaming of my childhood: in an almost endless cycle of self-judgement, perfectionism, and self harm which has become an addiction in itself. Mary talks about this in many different seminars and on her blog: It feels easier to bash yourself before others do; easier to judge yourself rather than feel the pain of what your parents truly felt about you and how you were treated.
I have improved in this area, but it is a snake so you have to watch it, it sneaks in in the blink of an eye. But I found something really helpful two months ago: something I have heard before, from Jesus, but this time it hit my heart – we need to see ourselves though God’s eyes: God sees our sin of course and wants us to correct it, but God also sees the pristine real self She created and the potential of that.
God is compassionate and firm about our sin, but He is also clear about loving us and wanting us to know our real selves as He does.
In there is still that loving, gentle, blunt, curious, interested, creative, playful, cheeky child and there is so much more to find. Who am I? Who can I become? What are my true passions? What are the gifts God gave me to share with the world? To contribute? What life will I lead as the real me?
And let’s not forget, I am only one half of my soul: God sees my whole soul and when I know myself, I will have a much greater chance of recognising my soulmate. I have a much greater chance of being in the two most important relationships of my life: firstly, with God and secondly my soul mate. For a long time I have had little real interest in either, but then I have had no interest in myself.