In my last post, I wrote about some information I found really useful recently about how we heal, and I have been reflecting today on a couple of things that I feel I need to clarify.
In the diagram I drew I put the bottom of the U as ‘Hell’ – this isn’t true. What is hell is how we are now, before we surrender to the overwhelming causal emotions that we need to feel, to heal. We are in ‘hell’ when we do anything and everything to avoid our painful emotions. It is the world of physical, emotional and spiritual addictions and facade. This is all unloving and creates more pain and suffering in our life and those around us – especially to those we in addiction with. Sadly, because the facades we have can be very convincing we think they are our true nature – which they are not, and suppressing our pain is the best way.
When I look around at the world I see a collective facade too and the pandemic has really demonstrated how we cling to our facade, how most want to return to ‘normal’ even when this normal is destroying the planet and hurting all who live on it.
The truth is that during the time I was writing my last post, God’s Law of Attraction gave me some events that brought me to that place of overwhelm – to the place where I could have sunk down into the U and felt some childhood pain. Instead, I didn’t. I fought and clung to stay at the top of the U and before I could blink or feel too much, I used a number of addictions, including a couple of whoppers I use virtually every time overwhelm comes: self-blame/hatred and what my friend calls “spraying it out.” For instance, that is when I am looking for rescue from the rage, terror or grief that is coming up. So when terror came up in relation to men, I called a friend. A friend who has similar injuries to me and is agreement in shutting down our terror. She ‘helped’ me calm down and gave me advice, that I adhered to and now regret (ie I created further pain for myself).
Every time we don’t own an emotion, we spray it out to the world and/or specific people. I think its a good metaphor to use because if we were actually spraying our spit and food onto people it would be really unloving and unpleasant for the people receiving that spray. But it is more than that, when we look to others to ‘rescue’ us from our painful emotions we are also placing a demand on them to help us. All demands and expectations are unloving and we all know what it is like to be on the receiving end of that, so we can’t claim we don’t know what we are doing isn’t harmful.
So, I just wanted to be clear that we have to stop deluding ourselves. That is I am deluding myself that hanging onto the edge like that is a good thing and that the pain of my childhood is worse than the pain and suffering created in my life for not grieving what happened to me. Also, all that harshness with myself, it has never worked for me and it never will, I just don’t believe that in my heart yet, because of the addiction to use that to avoid the causal pain.
When truth comes, we fight it because we feel it is berating and punishing us. But Jesus and Mary have said many times in their talks – the truth is just the truth and we don’t need to be harsh with ourselves. We just need to go, “Okay I have that addiction and what am going to do about it?” Hopefully, we will be willing to see where the addiction originated and what it is helping us avoid.
We can start of intellectually looking at all this, but the trip down to the bottom of that U is emotional. Staying on the top left, endlessly pondering the whys, when, whats will get us nowhere in the long run. FEELING the whys, when and what – the sin of what was done to us and what we have done to others is the only way down, through and out the other side.
I find myself, mostly, gripping to the side in defiance and resistance or sitting there, exhausting myself with overthinking!