God – the Father I always dreamed of

Science shows that vaccinated people and unvaccinated people have the same viral load when it comes to spreading covid, and yet different rules for the two groups.

This is not a commentary for or against vaccines – that’s a personal decision, but there are a lot of fears behind these decisions and rules and why some governments are considering mandatory vaccines. When fear decides, we try to grasp control in whatever way we can. I know, I’ve done it in my own life hugely and most of us do. But living with fear in control isn’t working, has never worked – in our individual lives or as a collective.

Living IN fear isn’t feeling it – its doing everything to avoid feeling it, but as Jesus once said, “it’s just an emotion.” I am having that conversation with myself right now, because I don’t want to keep spraying out my fear, let it imprison my life and self-expression and noticing how much unloving behaviour and choices it creates in personal life and in the world. I intellectually know my fear has impacted my life negatively, but I don’t like the feeling and the world is in agreement with me, so it feels easier to avoid it. The truth is that we don’t live as an island and when our fear isn’t felt, but just lived in, it joins in with all the other fear floating around. If we could see it, we would see we live in gloomy, grey clouds, as if someone turned down all the colour and the lights.

Fear has become our God, whether we admit or not: its up there sitting on its throne, creating chaos. But by giving it such status, we are missing out of the beauty of seeking the real God and knowing how much we are loved. We are missing out on discovering our potential, our real selves and the utter power of that and how it could be reflected in the whole human family.

Imagining a different world, can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. It just means we are afraid we can’t do it and afraid of the Truth we may have to face about ourselves, our childhood and even our rejection of God. Change is always uncomfortable and we don’t want to be uncomfortable and so we create things, many superficial to avoid the discomfort.

Its not easy to change and boy I hit a 1000 resistances a day, but I don’t want to keep seeing pain in the world or in my own life. I do have faith we are more than what we think we are and just taking one step, then the next, then the next and being messy for a while and from my experience, falling flat on your face frequently. But, when you clean off layers and layers of mud it takes time for the water to run clear.

I’ve realised my impatient with my own ‘cleaning off mud’ has just kept the mud there. I start bashing at the mud, “Come on, come off get off.” But bashing doesn’t work – you need water and for me that water is God’s Truth and I am realising that it takes time, but not time just sitting there rabbiting on about it: but committed time that requires my presence, faith that it can be done (remember just faith the side of a mustard seed is enough to start) and of course humility (which does require presence).

But it also needs kindness and compassion with yourself. God has never bashed me on the head and my experience of receiving feedback from Jesus and Mary, has never been them bashing and judging me. Every bit of feedback I have ever received has been given with love, honesty and kindness: their sisterly and brotherly love for me is always evident and as two people who know God far, far better than me I know they demonstrate a small drop of the love and kindness of God has for me. The fact that the love I have received from them is just a small drop compared to God’s love is incredible: consider it a light bulb to the sun.

As a child, I went through a lot – many painful experiences and many terrifying experiences and I wish I could say I am unusual. I have been pretty hard on that little girl: berated her, ignored her, silenced her – all the things my caregivers, my abusers did to me I have repeated and many of us do that. It seems to me it doubles the tragedy and keeps us stuck in old beliefs and patterns, creating more problems in our lives and those we interact with. Its come to my attention, I have to give that little girl a voice, a space to express her feelings, grieve over the childhood lost and most importantly the fact I wasn’t loved. But no abused child will speak whilst the abuse continues – she needs gentleness, tenderness and compassion.

She had real reasons to be afraid when she was a child as did you and her story needs honouring by allowing her to come out from the dark corners where she has tried to protect herself. It is the opposite of what we have been doing and so logically, it has a strong chance of working. But I need God because God can be the parent I never had. Yet, I am so terrified of the overwhelm I prevent Gods’ Love coming into my soul when I ask for it, because of the emotions that will come up. But what I see is that every time I resist God’s love I am muffling little Maxine again. Its crazy hey?

However, maybe I more desire to receive God’s Love by actually desiring to see and feel little Maxine. The more we desire to honour our stories, let our hurt child feel, the more we may open to God’s Love. I don’t think they are exclusive from each other and we must also educate ourselves about God. For me, they come together. Its only taken 9 years, but thankfully God has infinite patience, infinite love and infinite compassion. Sometimes I am so humbled by knowing this – that God is still waiting for me, despite all the mistakes I have made, despite all the sin I have committed and despite the fact I constantly push Her away. Like in the parable of the good shepherd, God will always seek that one lost sheep. No one is abandoned. No one!

He would love us to have a personal relationship with him right now as He knows the benefits for us and everyday he provides minute by minute opportunities for us to heal, but at the same time, He also waits for us and always will. God is bigger than time.

It’s funny I didn’t know where this blog was going today, in fact I was just jotting something down elsewhere, but I know sometimes when I write on here it is inspired by my guides and someone else needs to hear it. I hope that is the case today.

God is bigger than time,

Her Love beyond our wildest dreams

And She is waiting for each of us –

Not to consume us,

But to help us bloom.

Real Love allows us to be Real,

Free to express our true nature,

in true happiness.

God is THE rock from which we fly.

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