Trying something new – click on play if you want to listen to me reading my poem.

longing-to-be-me-made-by-headliner

My heart is breaking

For what I could have done,

For what I could have been,

Had someone not poured cement into my soul.

Now the cracks are showing

I feel like I want to explode

And dance across the universe

Painting the sky

Free as bird

I’ve been imprisoned for so long

I don’t want to hold it in any more.

But it’s hard,

So hard sometimes,

Just to pick up that brush.

Heart breaking aloneness

Cripples my hands

And the shadow of she

Who wouldn’t encourage or praise,

But only look down with pity

At my failings.

Justifying jealousy, resentment and shame

Poison darts aimed and hit!

Right on target:

Destroyed self esteem,

No confidence left.

I lived in my dreams

That never come true when belief doesn’t exist

Where were you God,

As I lie in my bed,

Battering my head

With self hatred and pain?

Where were you God?

Oh my heart is so broken

and to paint is so painful:

I expect to fail

To not be good enough.

I’m so fucking angry this happened to me!

Another lost child

Split from its soul

By cruelty and blindness

In this crazy dark world.

I don’t understand

Why you weren’t right there,

Or that’s how it feels

Like you just didn’t care.

That there’s this sadistic streak

In that heart of yours.

I hate you

I love you

I want to punch your chest

But curl up in your lap

To make you feel how I feel

But be held while I cry

And never let go.

I fight you and blame you

Because it’s easier than them.

Of facing the truth:

Not once I was seen;

Not once did they care,

Who this Maxine was.

This bright little girl

Who longed to do many things.

But not once did they ask,

“What do you love?”

Put in a box,

Told to shut up.

It feels its too late

For this flower to blossom

But then I remember that’s her story of me!

I know God, you say I have lots of time

But regret pulls me back

Like a torturing flame

And I’m angry,

Frustrated and sad.

The injustice is raging

I want blood.

I love you.

I hate you;

Want to hit you so hard,

But then fall In your lap

Be held by your arms,

Hear the beat of your heart.

As you whisper,

“I love you

Your light and your dark

But light is forever

Dark cannot last.

I want to see you

Paint the sky with rainbows

If that’s what you want;

Dance across heaven

With all of you heart;

Weave words

That are truthful

And open the hearts.

Find your passion,

Feel it burn in your soul.

Be the light that I made you

Brighter to shine,

My daughter, my loved one”

That’s what I dream

When the rage has burnt out

And I let you in,

And the star that you made me

Finds its place in the sky.

Once the battle is done,

And the paint in the paintbrush

Is flowing again.

I am on fire, fit to explode

With all that’s inside me

Not yet expressed.

God help me be patient,

With my broken soul.

The more I look at my emotions towards God, I can totally see how it is all about how I really feel about my parents and/or what religion told me about God – which is also how we feel about our parents. It’s not a linear process – and this poem expresses my feelings towards God flux and flow as I work to heal these emotions, but they are a gateway to a lot of truthful feelings about our parents – the ones we have done so much to avoid feelings.

There is a very helpful talk, where Jesus talks about some his emotions towards God and women that he had to process. It helped me really get more specific about my feelings towards God, men and women. Relationship with God – Being Truthful with Yourself.

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s