Hi, My name is Maxine Bell and welcome to my blog.
This is an update to the original introduction of this blog. This page was called “About Us”, but for now is “About Me.” Originally, my partner, Robby and I decided to start the blog. We knew it would be mainly me writing, but Robby had a page he also felt he would write in too. However, he wrote one short post and it has become my blog so it seems more honest to just have an About Me. It also reflects this part of my journey – our journey too.
I have always have been a seeker, a searcher – it hasn’t always felt like a spiritual journey, but I feel it always was and is. I have not always been sure what it is I have been looking for, but probably like many of you: meaning, purpose, real love. This blog is about parts of that journey: what I experience, emotionally,physically and spiritually; what I observe around me and what and who inspires me and who I learn from; my steps forward – and backward! I hope you find it interesting. It is not perfect, I may change my views along the way. This is a journey to truth – not saying I know it yet, but sharing the steps: some of which will be the Truth and some of which won’t . Currently, I am only touching the sides and most of this will be personal truths I discover and experience. It is not a straight road, I am still tripping and falling over my own feet, but I am choosing the narrow road, the Way and I intend to keep getting up until the fog has cleared and I step more firmly. Please check out the page on Divine Truth for more on ‘The Way.’
I believe there are some absolute truths and laws created by God that are all loving and enable us to discover our true selves, our soulmate and our true parent – God, who wants us all to create a life of pure joy and love and one of endless discovery. I do not feel the Universe or us came from a random chemical accident. It makes no sense and in fact if we study science we learn that it’s design is highly intelligent, mathematical, cohesive and connected. For me, the truth is in the detail. I look at nature; I look at the detail, not just in a flower, but in a petal: the intricacy of design, but the practicality of it too. Everything works in harmony with something else in it’s pure form: there is great engineer at work here. Then there is the beauty: a vast range of colours, shapes and forms, in a various combinations: there is a great artist at work here. Then there is the diversity of life, from the smallest cell, plant, animal, bird, human, planet, sun, moon. For me, there is a great Creator behind all this, because when I see all this design, function and beauty I feel love at work. Many times in my life, nature has bought me to my knees, opened my heart, awestruck by what I see. I have walked along a city street, in a concrete jungle and spotted a small plant, pushing through the paving stones, an opening flowering reaching out to the sun or I have been standing on top of a mountain, wind blowing through my hair, with a view of such magnificence I have cried in gratitude. Even when I didn’t use the name, my heart called out to God in those moments and life felt truly real and alive.
My childhood was a very bumpy ride, full of chaos, uncertainty, drama, trauma and painful events. I learnt very quickly to hide my self, that to keep peace I needed to be “good” and “obedient” and take care of others needs, and not consider my own. I did what many of us do as children, I behaved in way that pleased my parents to receive their “love.” I found ways to survive and ways to escape with my imagination, books and nature.
I was brought up as part of the Church of England tradition: I was sent to Sunday School in the local church. Some of it seemed fun, but we were taught the church’s version of God: a god who was apparently loving and genocidal, judging, punishing and yet forgiving. I think it is a good thing to be taught about God if you are encouraged to investigate for truth yourself, but for now I am not sure whether being given the wrong view of God is more damaging than not being taught about God at all. Both are equally difficult on a soul level. When I was 6 I went to a Salvation Army event in the local village hall and learnt more about the mainstream Christian Jesus. I must have felt he was a okay, as I have a little card saying I gave my heart to Jesus that day. In fact I have an emotional memory of love from that experience, though I don’t remember details. But, I also learnt, through church that I was a sinner and needed to be a good girl, otherwise the fires of hell may be waiting for me in the future. ( This unfortunately, reiterated what I felt from my parents – piling on the guilt and shame).
I think it was a year or so after this my mother had a period where she was a Christian. She was happy for that short time and the Cliff Richard albums were out (!). In a one way, it was the happiest I saw her ever and ever since. However, religion left our life at some point, I don’t know why exactly, but I am sure some events caused my mother to lose her faith. Many of us lose faith in God, when it is in fact human error that causes the pain.
Then when I was 17, I went to a music night in a local church with a friend: it was modern music, but singing about God and Jesus. The music was uplifting and hopeful. The very opposite I felt about my life at that point. I felt unloved and invisible, but they were saying someone cared and that I could be saved. Towards the end of the evening they asked if I want to be born again through Jesus. Of course, I did, I wasn’t good enough as I was! I felt this huge wave of emotion hit me right in the heart and up I went to say yes!
For the next 18 months I threw myself in with the local Baptist Church, I ran the Christian Union at school and felt a sense of belonging at a very difficult time in my family life. I was baptised and me being me, looking for answers, I went every week to a meeting where they discussed world issues according to the teachings of the Bible. I had a bit of thing for making the world a better place and wanted to understand why things were such a mess. (Of course it was an external projection about my family life too). After a while, I got a bit frustrated with the answers always being a quote from the Bible and often one that didn’t make any sense as an answer. They told me what incredible love God had for us, and yet he was a punishing, angry God. He sounded a bit too human for me, when I needed him to be better than us, wiser than us. I was the only young person at these meeting and one night got pulled aside for asking too many questions: “Though shalt not question the Lord thy God.” So why did he give me a brain?
I was also studying religion at school and looking at the Bible through the eyes of archaeology, science and historical context, so was starting to find some of my answers there and some were in conflict with the church teachings, which took every word of the Bible literally, as the Word of God. I started to feel that there wasn’t something quite right here and when they all asked me how I was I didn’t feel an honest answer would be accepted, so I became afraid to tell the truth (similar at home).
I also started to feel that maybe Jesus was a great teacher, but not a saver of our sins. Were we really born sinners? Seemed odd God would create us that way and then have to design a system for us to be sorted out by one person. I also hated the bit that only those saved by Jesus would go to heaven and that God was apparently willing to slaughter the rest, even those that had been good for a lot of their lives. Oh there were many things: I didn’t like the attitude to homosexuality and women. I had a strong feeling Mary Magdalene was much more than what they said too. Something inside me said they had got Jesus wrong: meek and mild maybe, but I felt he was a revolutionary of Peace and Love, but with fire in his belly: speaking out, telling them to get rid of some their previous ideas of God and Love. They had the New Testament, but has glued it together with the Old Testament – despite an apparent clash of ideas. So during my last Easter at school I did the assembly with the Christian Union: I performed a monologue as Mary Magdalene set just after Jesus was crucified and I felt her pain so much. I felt my pain so much. I went to church one last time and then never again.
I was so confused/damaged by my experience it was 25 years before I would go into a church without feeling fear and anger. I felt if there was a God then religion was his worst enemy! My experience with Christianity had only compounded my childhood experiences and in fact supported some of my parents unlovingness and built up the shame/blame feelings I already had inside. I couldn’t deal with any more judgement. My own self punishment has increased in response. I feel a great sadness as I write this, because as I am unravelling my false beliefs and blocks to God, I can see how the teachings of the Church have actually separated us from God and in my experience that is the most harmful thing we have done. Having walked far from God and experiencing the failure of this, I now have to work through more blocks and damage now than I had when I was 18 because of the untruths taught to me.
So aged 18, I was in the process of leaving home to start my nurse training and if I am truthful, to get away from my family, mainly my mother, sadly: I was suffocating and hurting deeply. I was in the throws of an eating disorder, low self esteem and I wanted a fresh start. If moving away from the cause of your pain were the answer, then life would be simpler. Of course, it doesn’t work: the skeletons in your cupboard still rattle their bones and even when you deny it – the pain still exists inside of you, until you find a way to release it. But I wasn’t aware of all that then. I did my nurse training – I was good at it. I had been a carer as a child and so it continued, though I did love the job too. I went on a few years later to train as a midwife. I lived my life, I eventually had relationships, I worked, I tried to heal my eating issues, I tried to feel better about myself. My relationship with my mother continued to be painful and my father popped up in my life again after 16 years absent from it, only to be absent again. To the outside world, I was doing ok: inside I was still that wounded little girl, desperately looking for love and acceptance and I fell into many relationships, including sexual ones, where I was treated badly, treated myself badly or even abused. But I kept it private, in fact then, I didn’t talk about my family much either, so no one really knew. I am sure I seemed odd at times, but no one asked and I didn’t tell. I guess a part of me just hoped time would heal everything and so many others also were not truly happy – maybe this was it. I was full of shame and uncertainty.
Then in 1994 I had my son, who was born with Down’s syndrome. He was not a planned pregnancy, and truthfully his father and I were not suited and not happy. I held it together for 18 months after Ben was born, after he had had his heart surgery, but then I ended the relationship with his father: who scared me. I was constantly living in a stressful, frightened way like my childhood and I didn’t want my son experiencing the same. I was not able to continue midwifery and be a single parent and instead I chose that time to pursue my dream to do an English Literature degree. I worked around being a parent and loved every minute of my study. That was a really good part of my life.
But, despite this, I had not truly dealt with the pain from my childhood and again I chose bad relationships, continued with a lack of self worth and love and gave everything to my son to compensate. Being a parent, when you don’t love yourself, feel very alone is very difficult and I certainly made some big mistakes and wasn’t always a loving parent. At the same time, my magical little son gave me delight and we also had some wonderful times: he was and is so beautiful to me.
I trained as a school teacher after my degree, but after a year teaching it wasn’t for me. It took all my energy and coping with Ben as well, made it too tough. I had a breakdown, physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn’t really understand what it was about, and the doctor couldn’t help. I developed fibromyalgic symtoms and day to day living was a struggle for a while. However, just before, that happened I started a new relationship with Dylan, who was to become Ben’s step dad and to this day, even though we are not together, remains a friend and a father to Ben. During my years with him, I experienced a more loving relationship even though after 6 years it became obvious we were not suited, but I will always be grateful for the love and support he gave me.
All through these years I was trying to help myself – I had some counselling, read different books like Susie Orbach’s ‘Fat is a Feminist Issue,’ ( this helped me understand the connection of my eating issues with my relationship with my mother) and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (recommended read because she really tells it like it is and for the first time I felt I wasn’t to blame for what happened to me as a child! ). Over that time I gained some intellectual understanding of my issues, but what I didn’t learn was that I needed to actually release the emotional pain stuck in my soul: it was what made me run down and sick and unhappy at times and also attracted the wrong relationships – whether it was partners or sometimes friends.
In 2008, following 2 miscarriages, I was very run down and knew I had to find a different way to live, there had to be an answer somewhere. I was too much in my head, and felt lost. I wandered around town one day and was attracted by a yoga studio. I walked in to enquire and as I met the owner I immediately felt emotional by the way she looked at me: such a warm and enigmatic smile – so welcoming. I started doing yoga, and got to feel some of the pain in my body and my soul. Sometimes I was crying through a session. I soon learned there was more to these yoga classes – there was a spirituality I had read a little about in previous years, but here I walked right into the thick of it. Over the next few years, I became involved in many new age beliefs – angels, Hindu and Buddha beliefs, consciousness, crystals, ascension and reincarnation. New age beliefs systems are a real eclectic mix of many other beliefs that are brought together in an attempt to bring back the magic in life, heal and become more loving, though I now see it also creates many addictions and behaviour that appears loving, as we understand it, but is in fact not so.
At the time I felt it was helping me and I even moved to the hub of new age beliefs in the UK: Glastonbury. I lived there for two years and it was quite an experience. There are over 70 belief systems in Glastonbury from Christian to Pagan and Wicca. Two positive things came out of it: I met Robby and I realised that the new age beliefs were not for me. I found inconsistencies, in-authenticity, and a lot of facade. Like everything, there are lovely people, genuinely wanting and being more loving in their path and like everything also a darker side, where the truth isn’t told and spirituality is used to feel powerful and valid –to the detriment of others and damage to themselves on a soul level. This will be a topic I will talk about more in my blog at some point as I feel it is an important one as New age beliefs are growing on the planet right now.
All religions, all beliefs, should be able to face questions about themselves, to admit if they are wrong, to review and be prepared to look continually relearn or learn more truth. Unfortunately, the opposite is often true and people hold on for dear life, even to beliefs that are illogical, harmful or judgemental.
One of the belief systems I became interested in during that time was twin flames, sacred sexual union. It was a world of mystery and possibilities. For me, with all my sexual wounds, and longing for something better, more magical, it appeared to fit… and it did, but to my emotional injuries of not feeling special, desirable, approved of, alone. Though I do think part of the attraction is we all have somewhere deep in our soul that we have a soul mate, another half of ourselves someone. It permeates our romance stories, legends and dreams. But we want the magical version often, the one that doesn’t require too much effort or honest reflection on our part or will sweep away all our doubts, disappointments and pain.
I had a relationship during that time, which reflected my neediness and was very addictive and harmful to us both. I had felt shut down sexually for a long time before this. I was disillusioned and unsure of my sexuality. Because it came from emotional injuries in me that I didn’t want to feel or admit to I met a man who met these needs in me, who met my addictions to feel special and desirable. We met, and had this “big connection” and it all seemed wonderful and I felt sexy and beautiful. I gave him a crown, when he fact he was as lost, hurt and emotionally shut down as me. I was fascinated by the “Spiritual Man” guise – where it appears they are open, but in fact over time it became apparent that he didn’t want to commit to anything, and really just wanted sex . The “connection” was just physical and addictive. I feel my soul degraded during this time and I suffered a lot when I lost my addiction. I became very demanding, because I wouldn’t accept his rejection, I wanted him to be my twin flame, for this to be a “great love”. I didn’t want to see that he didn’t want that and I was trying to make him fit my idea of him instead of just accepting the truth. This demanding behaviour is very unloving and damaging to our soul and I feel was the start of my cervical cancer. I felt the pain of losing my addiction, but did not grieve the real feeling and still have not: abandonment and not feeling loveable.
The sacred sexual movement, which embraces various ideal lovers from history: Isis and Osiris, Jesus and Mary Magdalene (the new age version not the real one) and uses them to indicate mystical beliefs, sexual practices/ “healing,” and other things. Many stories have arisen about Jesus and Mary and many now believe they are from that bloodline, or an incarnation of the Magdalene Consciousness. The past life beliefs also are part of this and I was told I had been a high priestess of Isis and that I was likely to be of the bloodline. I now see these beliefs as very dangerous. I did myself harm by being involved. It allows many to create facade of “being special” and manipulates those of us who are wounded and vulnerable in this area to be drawn in and do more harm than good. It also leads to many people having sex with people other than their soulmate and sometimes being led by so-called sexual union teachers into practices that damage rather than grow their soul.
After all this, and my time in Glastonbury, I went home one day and called out to God ( though I didn’t use that term at the time): “What is the truth? Please just show me The Truth! I am sick of lies or mysteries!” A few days later I received an email from a friend, suggesting I watch this video by a man teaching something called Divine Truth. Two weeks later he happened to be coming to England so I went to two of his talks. His name was AJ Miller, and he was saying he was Jesus from the first century, who along with Mary Magdalene his soulmate, have returned to earth to teach about God’s love as they did before. That information may have put some off, but I listened anyway as my friend had said what he was saying was worth hearing. I listened and as I did something hit me in the soul. I had listened and read many spiritual teachings by this point, but this was different and he was different. I didn’t believe he was Jesus at that point, but I was curious. After all, I had always thought Jesus was pretty cool, even if I didn’t understand who God was, so what to lose. Whoever he was, I had never heard anything that made me feel that this could be it – what I had been looking for.
Jesus and Mary along with 12 others ( so 7 soulmate pairs) to teach Divine Truth, which is God’s Way of Love, often referred to as The Way, by Jesus. Unlike new age beliefs, reincarnation is not rare and only when you have reached a certain level of progression in love called Soul Union. ( There are many talks about reincarnation on their website)
This was the beginning of 2012 and I have been listening ever since and trying to put into practice what he and his soulmate, Mary Magadalene teaching. For a while I had feet in both camps – a bit of Divine Truth, a bit of new age, but in the end the new age stuff dropped away as the feeling of truth in what Jesus and Mary were teaching overrode everything. Divine Truth is very confronting so it hasn’t been easy as I have been stuck in another way for a long time and fear has been and still is my God in many areas of life. Jesus doesn’t know everything – only God can know that, but he was a soul, who in the first century, through the power of asking for and receiving God’s love, became At One with God or Born again. He is the only human to do that while on earth. He is not the saviour of our sins or the only son of God, but teaches a way we can become perfected in love, discovering a relationship with God and our true selves in the process. He showed the rest of us The Way. We can all do it. He, and many others continued to progress when they left the earth and continued life in their spirit form. Jesus and Mary and 12 others ( six soul pairs) returned to earth because they wanted us to hear the truth.
I can hear you groaning, or running from what I am telling you, but I am not a religious nut, but I cannot not tell you about this. It is not a religion, a cult, there is nothing I have to do or be. The teachings are free and all online. I have met them at the talks they have given in England and love their compassion, kindness, honesty, and humility. I can not deny telling you about one of the biggest gifts, besides God’s love, we have here right now. You have every right to dismiss what I say, put me down as crazy. I know these teaching triggered me like hell. It threw up in the air all I thought I knew – but at the same time it made complete sense. It was logical and accessible to all. Now if God is a loving God isn’t that how he would make it: accessible to all, possible for everyone of her children?
But try not to dismiss something that frightens you, yet you don’t know about. I have a desire to be on this path, but have to first work my way through my many emotional blocks to receiving God’s love. But Jesus and Mary are doing it and living what they preach. They will explain much better than I . Their website is www.divinetruth.com and they have a youtube channel called Divine Truth, as well as Divinetruth faqs and clips channel.
It is through them, that Robby and I have learnt about soulmates. I already had a feeling about their being one person for me, hence my interest in the twin flame stuff, but the Divine Truth teaching have stripped away the mystical and strange and explained soulmates with such logic and truth I know it to be true. Robby and I are not sure we are soulmates – we suspect it, but still have too many emotional wound to work through to be sure. But we do share many common goals, beliefs, and interests. We have been pretty clumsy so far and at the moment are not living together, but we still value what we may have found and there is something about Robby that is different than any other relationship. We do have emotional addictions with each other, but we are trying to discover them and end them, and it is taking time to discover, depending on our desire to know and our willingness for personal truth. We have so much to learn about love, so much to heal, but I, and I think I can speak for Robby, are glad to be free of the often complicated other beliefs and find that in the end it is down to us and God: getting to know God, our parent; gaining an increasing desire of his Love and letting God’s love be the power that helps us heal. Then at some point we will know for certain if we are soulmates and embrace the gift that it is, even more.
At the moment, I am wanting to engage more with, know more about Divine Truth, about the Way, about God. Robby is wanting to discover his desires and passions. We are both seekers and only time and desire (or not) for truth will show us where we are and who we are to each other. Every day God is showing us through the law of attraction, but how much we do or don’t engage with that law, take notice of it, is where our power to know and change lies.
Jesus teaches that each soul has just two innate desires built in: one for God and one for their soulmate. Looking at life, at my life, at other’s around me, this makes complete sense. I am a seeker, and I suspect if you have been drawn here you are too. I write because I love writing and I write because I discover things about myself and what I have learnt along the way. I also helps you in whatever you are searching for too.
I think if we really want to change we have to learn to be fearless, to step right outside our comfort zone and be prepared to be different, and feel other’s judgement of us in the process. For now, I just want to quietly find my way, accept my mistakes. What I write here is what I know or don’t know for now and as I write each piece I may have learnt more truth or not. All I know is that doing nothing, changes nothing. The modern Western world I am part of seems to demand sheep who do not question or query and yet we are born seekers and experimenters and so not to do so, goes against our nature to investigate and discover, like children. I certainly want to know what else is our there, I hope you do to.
Please check out the information page on Divine truth and the links to more information, as well as books that I have found helpful in my personal development and spiritual searching.
(Please note, I am using a free website currently and so all my posts are one after the other so to see old posts you will need to scroll down and down again. When I can I will update to make it easier)
If you have any questions please email me on firstname.lastname@example.org