I want to do it MY way, not God’s way!

tantrum child

I just watched a film called “Run the Race,” (its on youtube) and the last lines in it were “You can either run from God or to God and for a long time I was running from God, but I tell you, turn around and embrace Him because He’s just there right behind you and He loves you like crazy.”

And there it is my message from God, one of the many that come my way every day since I got back from Australia, regardless of how I have felt – and I have hit some really low points, God has never stopped sending me messages or signs. Many would say that is just my interpretation and maybe it is, but too many synchronicities, too many drops in the ocean of my anger, despair and shame have stood out.

Returning to England after the Volunteer Selection Programme I felt initially relieved to back in the familiar. But within a few days I knew I was angry – angry that I hadn’t received the approval; the validation that I was okay really; the reassurance that God understood my sin – the reasons why I had done these things; the excuses I have used and the pain I have felt: He got that I was messed up and I was a bit of mess, but “it wasn’t that all that bad really.” I wanted to know that God was as convinced of my good girl facade as I was. I had thought that my “trying” was enough – after all this has been my lifelong go-to – the use of my will power and intellect.

But God is not conned and is certainly no fool and those that are growing in God’s Way of Love are not fooled either. I couldn’t fool them: they saw me, they saw my injuries, they saw me “trying.” They did see the good too and I stayed beyond the first week because I was so happy to be there, and willing at that point to hear a bit of truth. But by the second week of the VSP I was in a panic, I got overwhelmed and didn’t even recognise it because as soon as that happened I fell into my desire to “manage” it, manage my feelings, and get them under control again. When I was asked a question, instead of saying the truth, I tried to say the answer I thought they wanted and I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to speak or hear the truth – it hadn’t worked in the past and even though I was there for the truth, when it came I didn’t like it because it exposed all the unloving things I was doing to avoid my pain. Now I could have gone wow, I know what the problem is now and be humble to feel the emotions, but I didn’t. I wanted to hide from my ‘good girl’ facade being confronted, no matter that was what I was there for.

woman-carnival-mask-in-venice

I felt huge shame and still do feel shame that I was told I was very needy and to be blunt that has made me an emotional vampire and open to those that will either reassure me I am not or those that will use my neediness to use and abuse me: something that has happened many times already. I couldn’t emotionally feel the sin of my neediness or the position it has put me in my life. Many of my friends and family see me as a strong person: I am strong in controlling my emotions, in presenting a face to the world, that hides the fear and shame that I am inherently flawed and worthless and I am angry about the things that happened to me and I have held onto this anger, but with a smile or seriousness presented to the world. With gritted teeth, “I’m not angry and I am not terrified – I am a good girl and I will become whoever you want me to be just so that I am not hurt, judged, attacked or rejected. “

So for the first two months back home, I went into an angry state and then a depression because I wasn’t feeling it. I felt unwell, exhausted, numb, foggy, de-motivated and hopeless. I hid away in my cave, spacing out on TV and food. Then I got afraid about what was happening to me and a book fell from my shelf and a few other things – it felt like God was saying “I haven’t given up on you, don’t you give up on you either.”

So I listened to the feedback I received a couple of times and I felt the compassion and kindness in it and I recognised intellectually at least everything that was being said was right, painful as it may be, it is right.

Then I remembered the love, compassion and tenderness in the feedback.

Then I remembered that the truth was told to me so that I can change it.

Then remembered that whilst I was there I felt like I was experiencing real love for the first time in my life and it felt beautiful and different and I was curious to know more.

Then I remembered that I got to experience this new way to live, what it is like to be around people who are always truthful and that it is actually far less exhausting (even when it freaked me out).

Then I remembered all the moments, the special moments when I got to hear some of their future plans, when I got to share with friends, laugh, wonder, talk – all of us with a common interest

Then I remembered that I can no longer look at the green, rolling hills of Devon in the same way without seeing the decimation of the land from agriculture and wonder how God really made it before we stomped over it without due care or responsibility.

Then I remembered that when Jesus gave me a farewell hug I got to feel the beautiful, powerful, softness in his soul. I think I said to a friend can you receive a rainbow in a hug? I think I did. It’s there because so much of God’s Love is in his soul…. and he’s telling us we can be that.

Then I remembered that I had met other brothers and sisters, and that somehow we had all got there, that there was something in our soul wanting this – a seed that needs watering (and soil that needs a lot of weeding).

Then I remembered that I was experiencing and hearing things that very few have heard yet and what I do with this matters, not just to me, but to everyone.

So many memories and feelings about that 3 months I can’t name it all: so much magic and in such a magnificent place in the world.

I would love to say I was ready to return, because as I come out from my sulk I want to be there again and again and make much more of the opportunities I was given, but I know I have emotional work to do first. Tristan, Eloise, Jesus and Mary said they want to experience the real me and they meant that sincerely. I was confused by that, if I am honest, because I don’t know who she is. When I am alone is maybe the only time I let her pop her head up –where it’s “safe.”

Basically, I have got to walk my walk and stop just talking about it and I know I need to soften. My facade is rigid and hard and wants to hang on tight. So I have started doing things to understand why I want my facade so much and what I think I gain in this state, what I am covering up, what I am ashamed of, what I am avoiding wanting to feel. I know I have to deconstruct my facade so I am just going to try anything and everything for a while.

I’ve started reading books on God, on emotions, listening to music that opens my soul, that I can dance to as that moves something in me, and instead of hiding away in my cave, have started going to meet ups to be around people and to tune into the creativity that is in my soul – a place where I stop over-thinking, therapy, and of course listening to Jesus and Mary’s talks on the facade and addictions from 2014 and anything else that seems worth a try.

I’m going back to basics trying to re-sensitise myself – doing things with my body, listening to my body, walking and I have even come across a group for women where we can go and have a tantrum and a good scream and shout because I am still resisting feeling my anger. I start a bit and then feel like a fool, obsessed with the idea someone is listening and is going to judge me. It’s becoming a bit of a frustrating (ironically) habit so I thought if I put myself in a room with women who have similar issues, but in an environment where we will be pushed to start letting it out, it’s worth shot. I am going to experiment with whatever comes up and see what happens. I am after all breaking down a rock face J

That film that I mentioned at the beginning was one of the things that “popped up” unexpectedly and of course the main character has an issue with God – he’s angry about the things that have happened to him and he can’t pray because of it. He’s really pissed at God….

I’m not sure why God thought that would be good for me to watch 😉

But seriously, I love these ‘synchronicities.’ They happen all the time and are an indication of how much help we have. I would love to be ready to do the next VSP and wish I could re-do week two with what I have now realised about my behaviour that week, as I had such a huge opportunity to change something right there, with the gift of loving, honest people around me who would longed for me to be truthful because they care.

I feel more positive right now (today) and like the idea that God loves me like crazy. It must be crazy love to be so incredibly patient with me.

A bull in a China shop

Jesus said that when our facade is confronted, as mine was, it is the time many walk away from God’s Way and Divine Truth. I’m not walking away, but I’m having trouble letting go and really getting started, but I have decided it is better to clatter my way experimenting with different things and it might look a bit like a bull in a china shop, (if fact an angry bull might be a good description!) but it’s better than doing nothing. Then one day I can look back at this post and go .. oh boy there’s my facade, and there and there and there… thank goodness those days are over – what was I holding on for?

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The Sin of the Single Life

 

single swan2

I am starting to feel the sin of being on my own.

I keep seeing this same advert and there was something about it that really struck me. It is a perfume advert and a man and a woman* are a long distance away from each other and they travel towards each other in a futuristic way. When they arrive at the place they meet they look at each other and they look like the male and female version of each other and it struck me that is how it meant to be – two of us, not just one. I am not just one, I am the other part of someone and being alone as I am currently isn’t normal… it feels as if I am going against my own design. I then felt very sad that I have created and chosen to be on my own right now and not with the other half of me: not as a couple. Why is that?

I feel safer. I can protect my heart and my body, or so I believe, this way.

I can control my life ( this is a big addiction) and do what I want.

I don’t have to “lose myself” to someone else.

There is no one making constant demands on me.

Love for me means someone is going to take and drain me. I don’t feel Love is a gift, I feel it as a threat to my very existence.

I can be selfish and live in my comfort zones.

I can avoid my rage, anger, fear, shame and grief about men, relationships, sex and intimacy. I have a lot of anger that I still suppress and a huge amount of terror, shame and grief.

I can avoid the issues I have with trusting anyone.

I can avoid my terror.

I can avoid the causal emotions that are connected to my parents and the truth of the harm they caused.

I avoid the truth of events that have happened to me, particularly the things that happened in my childhood.

I don’t have to fully face the harm I have done to others in my emotionally injured state. By suppressing my emotions I have created addictions, expectations and demands – anything that helps me avoid painful emotions.

Therefore I don’t want to forgive or repent.

I want to hold onto my false beliefs and addictions and avoid my emotional pain.

 

That is what I am aware of, currently, and I then feel it is such a lot to work through and make excuses. I sometimes chip away at it and educate myself about God’s truth on this, but I still resist it. I pray about my resistance sometimes and my fears and I know this blocks me from receiving God’s Love and Truth. When I feel what I feel about Love why would open to receive it? I know this is a false belief, a fear, a lie in my mind, but my soul is feeling something else and my soul expresses the truth and cannot play tricks like my mind.

God has been showing me a number of things lately in relation to my sexual injuries, so the help is there and maybe I have a small desire to know this and heal it. So I am glad that I felt that when I saw that advert and I love that these small things, especially when we notice them matter: everything matters. We are being so shown so much every day.

I do get lonely, but that can be an addiction too – wanting someone else to stop us feeing alone or unloved and I am aware that even as a child I felt very alone and very different and odd from my family and the world at times. Many times, judged, blamed, shamed, invisible, used and abused– emotions I haven’t released – so it’s not surprising my soul decides that being single is a better option.

I currently see it as the easy option – but a half lived one. I can feel that something is missing and that by choosing to be on my own, to not deal with the blocks to being in a relationship, I am missing out on a gift and a way of being that is my natural state.

Sin, is missing the mark of Love: being single is missing the mark of love because we are refusing that gift, rejecting that natural state – of being with the one person God made us to be with – the other half of ourselves and the potential that offers.

I am starting to see the sin of being on my own.

Maxine

See links below for more information on Soulmate relationships:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38-9LUA_0rc&t=4s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1eDIdXU8YQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDmj5ofhrS4&t=1638s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmigKz-xPBQ&t=318s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW0FkfhUHAc&t=2s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td_RHkRfIj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjBketDnlFs

The Secrets of the Universe talks on the Divine Truth channel also has some information.

There is even more information on partnership relationships on the Divine Truth FAQ channel on youtube as well as other talks on both these channels that are relevant.

*Soulmate relationships are heterosexual or homosexual.

swans

Anger, Addiction, Suppression, Resistance and Denial: The Dark Night of the Soul.

dark and fire face

It has been a long time since I have written my blog. I have thought many times to write and then changed my mind, which relates to the comings and goings in my own soul: the feelings of overwhelm  – which I still don’t like and then dipping ( bit of an understatement) into resistance – preventing the flow and making words difficult. But I do have a desire to share so that it may help others just as other people words and experiences have helped me, so here I am.

I was completely blocking God and God’s truth out for a while, struggling with other issues in my life and stubbornly being self-reliant and following old patterns and addictions ( emotional and physical). But during the last couple of months my desire for change and to learn more has come back and I have been spending more time listening to videos and reading about God. What I have found really useful is journaling as soon as I wake. I scribble away about sleep state, dreams, things that that I felt the day before – just about anything, without restraint and I am learning things about myself all the time.

I love what I read about God and the universe we live in, most of the time, but sometimes the contrast between where I could be and where I am hurts and that is what I am going to write about.

To understand more of what I am about to talk about, it will really help you to listen to “How the Human Soul Functions” and “Emotions and Feelings” on the Divine Truth FAQ Youtube channel and on the Divine Truth channel, “Understanding your Emotional Self” from 2014. ( Also found on divinetruth.com)

I am going to list many of them and then explain further below: (please also see the glossary page for some short explanations of some of the vocabulary I use)

  1. I am an absolute Master of suppression, resistance, and denial.
  2. I am full of anger – mostly adult anger, related to my many, many addictions that I use to suppress, deny and resist more painful emotions such as fear, shame, grief.
  3. My anger is there every day ranging from mild annoyance to full blown rage. I do not allow it to be felt.
  4. I believe that controlling/denying/resisting my anger is a good thing, but God’s truth is if it is in me it is coming out into my environment, being projected at others. Denying it is the worse thing.
  5. God’s truth is my anger is very, very damaging to myself and everyone around me. It is hellish and whilst I have it in my soul I am in the Hells.
  6. I have not awakened to the sin (something out of harmony with love) of what holding onto my anger is doing to myself or others.
  7. I hold onto my anger as I feel in control and more powerful. I do not want to feel weak and vulnerable.
  8. Ironically, I am currently more able to be manipulated and controlled by spirits in my current condition. The feeling of power is a facade, but one that I like and I am willing to be in addiction with spirits to maintain it.
  9. My huge amount of anger and addictions is covering about a huge about of fear and terror that I don’t want to feel. I am very desensitised to most of my emotions, in fact.
  10. I am the creator of my own suppression, denial, resistance and substitution of emotions – though I was also taught how to this as a very young child, by my environment, but I have honed the skill!
  11. The original causes may be from my childhood, but I have added and added to them and in fact, whether I like this or not, I am the only one who can release all of my emotions. I am the only one who can allow the expression of my anger – allow it to flow.
  12. Expressing my anger must be done alone to be done in a loving way.
  13. The anger is part of my facade as are my addictions and it is will take an EXTREME use of my will to release and break down my facade. It will be the hardest thing I do, ever, I feel.
  14. Living in suppression and resistance and denial has not made me happy and has led to suffering and pain and will continue to do so if I continue to hold on, especially now I have heard God’s truth on this.
  15. But the suffering and pain is God telling me something is wrong – it is a message to call me to correct it, to try a new way: it is an act of love – something I struggle to understand emotionally as being shut down to emotions, also means I am shut down to love.
  16. God is offering me a solution in every moment, but I need to make use my free will in a loving way and allow myself to become sensitive emotionally, ( as God designed us to be), to develop a desire to love ( allowing myself to feel is loving), a desire to receive Gods love ( which will speed up and help the whole process), a desire for God’s truth and a desire to be humble to truth and love and feeling all my emotions.
  17. When I accept all that I just said in point 16 emotionally, my life will change dramatically.
  18. When I accept point 17 emotionally I will know this.

 

This is a really important point that Jesus (AJ ) mentions again and again. We cannot KNOW something until we feel it emotionally. Our soul, which governs everything in our life, is emotional – it learns and experiences emotionally or for many of us now – it’s not learning much because it’s do full of error-based emotions. I can vouch for this from my personal experience. I am an intelligent person. I pick up a number of things quite easily. My IQ is pretty good.  Even Divine Truth I can spout off the theories and things I have heard Jesus and Mary say pretty well. However, despite all the things I “know” intellectually my life remains quite small and restricted. How come an intelligent person like me can’t sort that out? With all the information I am holding in my brain I should be in a high-flying career possibly, in a good relationship maybe and out there in the world, doing more, even having a few adventures. But also, I have listened to the Divine Truth teaching for 6 years and yet only a few small changes have occurred and in fact I am still dodging the big stuff all the time.

From that, it is logical and obvious that I don’t really know it. I have just retained information. If I really knew that Divine Truth and God’s Love would change my life in wonderful ways wouldn’t I be doing it every minute of the day? I am on my third reading of the Robert James Lee books, where there is such incredible information on the how everything in this universe is based in Love and how much God is doing to call us home to know our true selves and to know Him, to be happy. I do cry  when I read some parts of it. It does touch me in some way, but if I really believed everything Aphraar tells us in that book, I would be living and breathing those truths every minute of every day. I am not. Therefore, something is stopping me from truly knowing and understanding it and it’s not my intellect. Also, I am very determined about something when I want to be. So I have a strong will, but it is questionable in how I am using it right now.

So if it’s not my intellect and not a weak will, as such, it has to be emotions. Over the years I have tried many ways to heal – Christianity, atheism, psychology, therapy, hypnotism, NLP and various other new age methods, yoga, meditation, chakra clearing and the list goes on. They helped somewhat for a short while, but inside lay this deep despair at times, a feeling of lack about myself, a hopelessness about love, confusion about life and much self doubt and poor decision making.

So it is and has to be emotions in me. I haven’t known the truth emotionally indicated by my life and how I feel. For instance, at work I have had a facade of confidence, capability, but many times I would go home and cry, criticise myself, feel crappy, eat a lot to comfort/suppress and also get mad at people for not helping or making me feel better ( addiction).

The world is currently in a state of avoiding and being terrified by emotion. The world is currently in a terrible state: wars, lies and deceit, secrecy, fear, poverty, children are being murdered by the millions. Our desensitisation is not working! Our hidden dark emotions of anger and fear rule our lives. It is so obvious really. We have created many things from our intelligence – space rockets, computers, medicines, but we can’t feed everyone, or provide shelter for all, or take care of the plants and animals that actually help us sustain life. Something is wrong and it is not our intellect.

So despite all my “efforts” at healing, I am now in the place of having to face the truth of the layers of what I feel is protection and safe, but actually, is just a pile of addictions and anger to avoid how I really feel; how  much fear and shame and sadness is still in my soul. I keep trying to skip the anger as I was taught it is not something that is not “ladylike” to express; I have to be a “good girl;” if I express I am damned to hell forever; I will be punished, denigrated, shamed and blamed; I am selfish and horrible; afraid of what expressing my anger will mean/where it will lead.  All these false belief systems that I live in and ignoring God’s truth that I am allowed to express my anger ( lovingly) and it is good for me to do that as it’s the top layer; it’s loving to myself and the world to let emotions flow.

Firstly, I am letting the people who taught me all that still rule my life and I am shutting out the one parent, who loves me unconditionally. My God is fear, a prison of my own making. But WE CAN ONLY CHANGE THE THINGS WE STOP DENYING and I guess I am moving out of the denial phase. I have been doing that very slowly for the last couple of years, but now I am facing up to the fact that i do have a big pile of unloving emotions in me and sitting on top of everything is my anger/addictions and a huge facade.

I need to and am beginning to want to swing the pendulum of my strong will across from suppression, denial, resistance, substitution and fear over to one of truth, love and humility. Even as I say that I can feel how difficult love is for me and I feel overwhelmed with the task ahead, but fifty years of destroying my life in many ways so what is another fifty sorting it out – though the more desire I develop for Love, Truth and humility the faster I will progress. But in perspective I will have a much longer time of good things that the fifty years of hell I may have been in.

I am curious and that helps me: What is it like to be an emotional being? Can I really feel that God exists and that She loves me? What would heaven be like? What is love like? What is it  like to be truthful and fear less? Who am I really without all this “mud” stuck to me? So many questions and curiosities stirred by discovering these teachings and witnessing first hand two people walking that walk.

So what will help me/us?

  1. Developing a sincere desire to Love and be loved, particularly from God.
  2. Developing a sincere desire to receiving God’s truth.
  3. Developing humility – the sincere desire to feel all my emotions all the time and to receiving truth.

These three things will include help me have a strong will to release my anger, my addiction and break down my facade. From then underlying emotions will be able to flow out more easily. My hurt child will be able to grieve, my fear will be able to be felt.

Please note  – in saying this I am saying what I have learnt from Jesus and Mary who DO know this because, unlike myself yet, they have done it – they are doing the experiment and they and their lives have and are changing. But intellectually, it makes some sense to me – having tried pretty much everything else!

In the new age world, the dark night of the soul refers to feeling painful emotions, suffering in some way. I now feel that it may be difficult to feel certain emotions, but that is not where the dark night of the soul is. The dark night of the soul is the denial, suppression and resistance we are in; the life of physical and emotions addictions we live in day in, day out, where we cling to our “comfort” and “security” , but are in fact living in dark prisons of our own making, thinking and feeling small; living lives far away from what God intended. We are living in a dark, grey world from our souls’ perspective and the only way to bring in the light is stop the denial.

I have so much more I would like to say, but it is a long blog and well done if you have gotten to the end. I will write a follow up. The Divine Truth teaching shakes us to the core, but goodness we need it. Looking truthfully at ourselves, at our world right now will change everything.  It’s not pretty, but it’s not permanent, but we need to take the first step.

WE CAN NOT CHANGE THE THINGS WE ARE DENYING AS THEY DON’T EXIST UNTIL WE SEE THEM.

@Maxine Bell