All these years, for me,

Chocolate was heaven;

My go-to;

My comfort; My friend.

I travelled miles

In distance and money

To have it.

I told myself it was love

A “Fuck you world

I don’t need you!

I have my friend,

She wont hurt me.”

 

The tingle on my tongue

As I took a bite,

A sigh of relief:

There was something good in my life.

 

Did it bring me wealth

Or success?

No

Did it bring me a home?

Love?

Self worth?

No. No…No

Did it make all my dreams come true?

No.

 

In fact, my need for it

Added to my shame.

I chose it before company,

Friends, health…

In fact, it lied to me.

It didn’t bring me joy at all.

It just gave me a fix,

A place to hide.

 

That’s Addiction** for you:

It drives your life.

You wake looking for the next fix.

You lie and cheat for it,

To yourself and others

It prevents you from finding

What’s real.

It will drag you to hell,

Everytime you inject your heart

With whatever your fix is.

It becomes the God

You worship,

As it slyly pulls you down

Its slippery slope,

Heavy chains weighing down your soul.

 

So, if you want to fly upwards

Makes sense, it will have to go.

You’ll need to leave its weight behind,

Resist its pull.

Keep you eyes on the blue skies

Beyond the clouds,

Where we choose something

Truer and greater.

 

Jonathan Seagull* knew this.

He flew higher and higher,

Believing in something greater.

He found himself in his flights,

Discovered there were

No limits,

But his choices.

 

He needed nothing but the

Desire for three things:

Truth,

All he could become,

And what or who created him.

Eventually, he flew close to the light

Of the Greatest One,

And found heaven.

 

The rewards of heaven

Were beyond anything earth had offered.

Far, far outweighing the desperate lives

Of his brothers and sisters:

Their belief in stasis; tradition;

Playing safe; fighting for survival,

Craving scraps; getting their fix

In repetition, need and numbness.

Just as I’ve done.

 

A life led by the next fix:

Clouding my vision;

Shrinking my heart;

Hiding my soul:

The real me.

 

Jonathan Seagull moved my heart,

Confronted my beliefs,

Gave a taste of heaven,

Where I can glow in the light

Of the Greatest One.

It’s now my choice

And yours.

 

Chocolate is just one of many things

To leave behind

In the name of finding so much more.

What will it be

Addiction or Love?

Truth or Lies?

Chocolate or Heaven?

 

@Maxine Bell 2019

I gave up chocolate this week. I have done so before, but have always said, “oh well it won’t be forever.” But in the end I have replaced it with something else or gone back to it because I have felt what I am using the chocolate for. There is a great clip in the 2014 assistance group where Mary tells a story how she made some cacao balls to bring to the group until she realised she was using them to avoid her fear. When she realised this she didn’t want the cacao. An exchange occurs between Jesus and Mary and a participant who’s anxiety that she may never have chocolate again was so vivid. How many of us feel like that? Never have chocolate again? What!!? The world would agree with us too- why would give up such pleasure?

I realised, we’re missing the point. If we never have chocolate again so what? There is a bigger picture here – the potential of a beautiful eternal life, as described in the Robert James Lee Trilogy and as Jesus and Mary are teaching. That’s what Mary understood – that the cacao didn’t matter and it wasn’t loving to avoid her emotions. The loving action was to feel her fear, let her soul expand with e-motion.

So this time I gave up chocolate with the thought that I may never have it again and that was okay.  I have lots of other addictions to deal with too, but this was a tangible one to experiment with. Besides, if I was a heroin addict, I wouldn’t be telling myself, “oh you’ll be alright to have some in a few months – you just need a break.” Or others, wouldn’t be telling me to not give up the pleasure of it – why deprive yourself.

We live in a world full of people with quite a small vision for themselves. But it seems God has a much larger one for us. So its, instant gratification vs eternal benefits.

*                   *                    *                    *

*Jonathan Seagull refers to the story by Richard Bach called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It is an amazing story, an analogy of the life of Jesus, is my intepretation of it: vision, love and tremendous courage. If you read it, make sure you get the complete edition with the rediscovered Part Four.

**When I talk about addiction I mean any physical or emotional thing we do that helps us avoid emotions. It can range from things like chocolate, which can seem quite harmless, through to co-dependency in relationships where we barter. eg If you make me feel safe, I will cook your dinner every night. The thing is no addiction is harmless – it involves a huge compromise of ourself, our values, morals and ethics. We harm ourselves and others. You can recognise addiction in youself, just by your reaction when you don’t get it – you get irritated, angry, demanding because addiction is a feeling of desperately needing something or someone. It is selfish. We all have many many addicitions. We can’t have addictions and Love. We will in the end have to choose.