Today’s blog is different because it is a vlog! My first attempt and you will see that I do not have much in the way of technology and am on a steep learning curve. My laptop is now 10 years old bless her so the camera is not as sharp as it could be, but she is still going.
It’s a bit longer than I planned and to be honest I don’t know how to edit yet or have the software available. Besides, I wanted to just let it come out as it came out and you’ll see why when/if you watch it.
It is on my YouTube channel – currently just called Maxine Bell as it has a few other bits on there at the moment that I have done in the last few months, and the links to the seminars I refer to in the vlog are in the description section. If you make it to the end – well done!
A couple of months ago I was stood on train station platform at a time that I was reflecting a lot on fear and its impact in my life and the impact of fear in the world. I was looking at the advertising boards and had an image of giant posters with just the word FEAR printed on them in giant letters and I knew that in that moment that would be enough to make people afraid. That’s how big fear is in our lives – just the word can cause an emotional reaction and trigger our fear.
Since I first started reflecting and attempting to feel fear in recent months, the corona virus has hit the planet and today when I was in the supermarket the fear was palpable, but more than that were the emotions that were present to avoid the fear: panic, judgement and anger.
The root meaning of the word crisis is opportunity which I find amazing and in many ways represents to me how God created everything: there is always an opportunity and a different choice to make, even in the darkest moments. It is the Law of Attraction in play, offering us a chance to choose to feel our emotions and discover the Truth!
Last week when I sat with my fear, triggered by numerous pieces of news and social media posts about the virus and let myself feel some I felt lots of fear wrapped up in the initial feeling: fear of death because I don’t want to die in my current soul condition; fear that I haven’t been able to make my mark on the world as me, the real me; fear I haven’t done enough, been enough and more. Then it suddenly became the fear that permeated my childhood: that my mother would die and would abandon me. Her suicide attempts, the time I sat by her bed trying to wake her, trying to save her. I didn’t fully feel it, but it was good to just let myself travel down the fear for a while, which is when I realised the gift in this virus and what it may be asking us to experience emotionally. In fact, I suspect that all the unfelt fear in us has created it.
I noticed a few posts, encouraging people not to watch too much news, not to feed the fear, in fact to “stay calm” and tune into things that take your mind off of it: some of these posts were by teachers and coaches that have a lot of influence. But this is the wrong advice – dont ignore your fear, just feel it, experience and like me you may be surprised what layers are unpeeled.
I think one of the things that is happening, is that people are confusing panic with fear. It’s taken me a while to understand the difference and when Mary said that panic is an addiction to help us avoid our fear (Divine Truth Assistance Group 2014) I really had to sit with that one – it messed with my head for a while.
Panic seems like fear because it can feel awful, it can make us hyperventilate and feel extremely anxious, our heart racing, as in a panic attack. It tends to make us jump around and is frantic and grabs a lot of attention from others around us and actually ‘infects’ groups of people.
Definition of panic (dictionary.com):
A sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals. (that is we act out in a way that helps us avoid fully feeling the fear)
Fear on the other hand is all encompassing and when you choose to feel it fully, you don’t think, you’re not able to run to the supermarket for toilet rolls: it has you in its grip, emotionally, in that moment. You can’t really function and at its extreme, when it is terror, you become almost blind and deaf and you shake uncontrollably. These extreme feelings of loss of control are what frighten us so much and often why we don’t want to feel fear. We have become afraid of fear itself.
The dictionary definitions of fear (dictionary.com):
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
I have done a lot of personal reflection on fear in recent months and a few weeks ago it came out in long verse in my journal. I have recorded it as an audio file:
It has been quite painful to see how much I have let fear lead my life; how much I have lived from fear; how many times I have made decisions from fear. That is I have wanted to avoid the experience of feeling my fears so much that I have I have made choices in addiction and in survival mode a lot of time: flight, fright or freeze.
For example, I have moved so many times and at times told myself it was a new adventure and that I didn’t fit in. I felt unhappy so I have thought that moving would improve things, but I was running and wanting to avoid the underlying grief I felt and the fear that I was truly unlovable and unacceptable as a person. I have moved at such a pace and never given myself to really feel the truth – I wanted to avoid the pain. I learnt this in my childhood, but sadly I have continued the pattern and added it too it.
I can often observe how fear impacts events in the world, but I am finding it harder to see the harm my fear has done to others around me. I am aware of some of the damage to my son, but I know I have a lot more truth to face in this area. We often play down the damage fear does. We are somewhat quicker to acknowledge the harm anger does (though even here we lack feeling the full truth of its damage) but with fear we justify it constantly: “I can’t do that, I am too afraid too,” and we often receive a lot of sympathy from others.
Many of Jesus talks include information and teaching about fear, which indicates the importance of this emotion if we don’t feel it and what can change if we do. Some talks have fear in the title, but you will also find it covered in talks about emotions, truth and other topics so I can’t list them all, but I have put a few links at the end of this post.
Some key points that Jesus said:
Fear is a False Expectation Appearing Real. It is an untruth.
Feeling fear will unlock other emotions
Fear always suppresses desire. I f you are not feeling your desires passionately, you must be afraid.
We can choose to feel fear. It is just an emotion and God created us to feel all emotions, including fear.
Fear rejects truth
Fear prevents you from being at one with God
Holding onto fear prevents truth from changing your life.
Truth and error on any one subject cannot exist in our soul at the same time so we need to release error: releasing error, including fear has to be done emotionally. It is not an intellectual process.
All fear is what causes physical pain and disease in some way.
Fear is about suppressing, denying and controlling the underlying emotions.
Fear is a life of constraint
If we act in fear there are penalties on our soul so it increases our pain and suffering.
Every time we are afraid for our children’s welfare we are no longer loving them – we’re controlling them. There is no love in fear.
If you are not feeling your fear, you are living in it.
Living in fear means you are surrounded by spirits who want you to remain afraid, often so that they can manipulate and control you. They surround and oppress a person in fear. Anything that is false can be manipulated. If you feel your fear fully you will no longer attract these spirits and you’ll start to feel you desires again.
Embrace your passions and desires, it will trigger your fear so that you can feel it and release it.
God is not afraid for you, not afraid of your choices and not afraid of what happens to you.
That last point is a big statement – it tells us a lot: our irrational our fear is, because if God is not worried for us then logically we must ultimately be safe. In the Divine Truth Assistance Groups of 2016 Jesus draws a vase or pot on the board, which represents the soul – the error in our soul we need to release. He asks the audience how much of that pot is fear and the response is that a large proportion of what we have to release is fear. But we are wrong and what is a large chunk for us is in reality just a slither in that pot. Most of what we have to release is the sin we have done in order to avoid feeling our error emotions, including of course fear. There was silence for a moment as the penny dropped. At home, watching online, I rewound the video and listened again.
Gosh we have made such a big deal of fear, we have raised it up into an insurmountable mountain when in reality it is a hill. We have justified holding onto it and living in it, growing it in our imaginations to avoid feeling our underlying grief, oppressing our hurt child. I can now see that is how I have lived most of my life – living in fear, making poor choices, not fully expressing my desires or pursuing my passions and in fact self-sabotaging and compromising myself hugely. I have not shared the gift of myself with others and have projected fear out into the world and become part of the problems fear creates: war, injustice, prejudice, anger, violence, neediness and narcissism.
I have dishonoured who God made me to be and hidden in the shadows. All this makes me feel very sad. In fear, I did not make the most of the opportunity I had in Australia last year at the Volunteer Selection Programme: choosing fear over truth.
I have felt like giving up a number of times, which is giving into fear and it’s time to stop that – it has become an addiction to live in fear and stay small. Well, I’m bored of that and I have been experimenting with my desires, looking back at little Maxine and her personality and I beginning to see and like some of it. There is a lot more to me, to all of us. Living in fear is like being in monochrome, when God made us to be in technicolour and I like colour, lots of colour!
Talks on Fear on the Divine Truth YouTube Channel or Divine Truth FAQ YouTube Channel. There is so much information on fear – this is just some of the talks:
Earth Changes, Fear and Desire parts 1 and 2:
Fear is Your Friend parts 1 and 2 ( 2008)
Fear Revisted (2009)
The Human Soul: Processing Fear (2009) Parts 1 and 2
I am taking more notice of my life these days and I have discovered that the truth is in the everyday things we do and how we live. For instance, driving: something most of us do most days.
I started to pay attention to what kind of driver I am and my emotional reactions to it and to other drivers. It told me quite a lot about myself and I don’t think I have discovered all of the truth its revealed yet or even assessed it all correctly, but I am attempting to.
A few weeks ago, I had a minor car accident, when someone drove into the front left of my car as I pulled out of my drive way. She was driving too fast, but if I rewind to how I felt that morning I see that I got into my car, ungrounded and pushing down emotions I didn’t want to feel. I had woken up really not wanting to go to work: I have been struggling with work since I got back from Australia (my trip to Australia shone a light on my life and nothing I thought was real has felt real). I felt very tired and upset and really had to force myself to get ready. I was a bit late and I did that very English thing (maybe not just English) of “pulling myself together” and got into the car, pulled forward, looked left quickly, didn’t see any oncoming car, pulled further out and then there was this big bang, a jolt, everything went into slow motion and then I was sat there motionless, stunned, with bits of my car and the other drivers car on the road.
I’m not certain, but I think it happened to show me I wasn’t paying attention to how I was feeling: I was “shoulding” myself, pushing myself, telling myself to be responsible and go to work. (My facade is SO pushy, a bully). It was nothing about the truth. It was all about the lies that made me do something I really didn’t want to do and avoid what I felt: sadness, fear, pain, frustration, powerless. It was also a few days after a disgreement with my mother, where she didn’t like what I said; where she wanted me to maintain a facade of myself that she wants me to be to suit her view of herself as a good mother. The car was written off and it was a car she had bought for me – a first financial gift from her that I had infact accepted insincerely, feeling it was owed to me. I ignored my conscience and led with my fear ( my old car was not in a good state) and anger at the time.
Before the accident, I had started paying more attention my driving, because sometimes I am really shitty to other drivers: impatient, judgemental, critical, pushy, nasty even. A lot of these things are how I am with myself at times, but why am I like that with other drivers? Either way it’s very unloving.
So everytime I started to get angry, judgmental, condescending ( all parts of my facade) even I started to ask why? What was going on under that? Being angry meant I wanted an addiction met. Wanting an addiction met meant I had a fear or other emotion I didn’t want to feel.
A few examples:
“Come on drive faster! Should you be out on the road? Do you need your eyes testing, you keep putting your brakes on?”
ie you should drive the way I think you should drive! I want to be in control or I’m afraid you’ll cause a crash.
This happens when I am late for work or something else and there are a number of different emotions and layers of emotions going on, depending on the situation. I may be judging myself for being late or angry with myself or angry that I even have to be at the place I am meant too. Then under that I am afraid of what others may think of me or I may be “found out” in someway. I am often also avoiding some sadness and pain over areas of my life and how limited it is. The layers can go on, into my lack of self love or worth.
“Arsehole, you cut in front of me and it’s my fault!?” ( as a man makes rude sign and swears at me)
I don’t like the anger being projected at me, but rather than feel the fear and sadness, I project back at him. I deny how it really made me feel because I don’t want to feel powerless and terrified.
There are many other examples, but I hope you get the drift of it. Looking just at my driving is showing me how unloving I can be; how much my facade controls everything; how I want it that way because I am afraid and/or unwilling to feel the other emotions that I judge as weaker, or wrong or I am just so used to suppressing. I believe this to be normal and in fact observe it around me in so many others. I deny there is another way to be, push aside my hurt child and deny any chance of the real me being present.
But it has been so useful too of course. The truth of my unlovingness isn’t good to feel, but it is the truth and I find if the anger starts to come or it just happens, I catch it quicker, breathe and ask myself, “What’s really going on Maxine? What don’t you want to feel?” This sometimes lead to me feeling some of the fear or some sadness ( tiny amounts at the moment). Or sometimes I have a really good scream and rant in the car, but not at others.
So two main points here:
We have a choice: to be unloving or to love (ourselves, others, our environment)
Truth is revealed in the everyday things – what annoys us, irritates us, how we react to minor events, other people etc.
God doesn’t keep secrets – he’s telling us all the time: we just need to pay attention – desire to know, see, hear, feel. Have the courage to see the truth of our life: we can’t change what we deny, ignore, minimise or judge.
I keep seeing this same advert and there was something about it that really struck me. It is a perfume advert and a man and a woman* are a long distance away from each other and they travel towards each other in a futuristic way. When they arrive at the place they meet they look at each other and they look like the male and female version of each other and it struck me that is how it meant to be – two of us, not just one. I am not just one, I am the other part of someone and being alone as I am currently isn’t normal… it feels as if I am going against my own design. I then felt very sad that I have created and chosen to be on my own right now and not with the other half of me: not as a couple. Why is that?
I feel safer. I can protect my heart and my body, or so I believe, this way.
I can control my life ( this is a big addiction) and do what I want.
I don’t have to “lose myself” to someone else.
There is no one making constant demands on me.
Love for me means someone is going to take and drain me. I don’t feel Love is a gift, I feel it as a threat to my very existence.
I can be selfish and live in my comfort zones.
I can avoid my rage, anger, fear, shame and grief about men, relationships, sex and intimacy. I have a lot of anger that I still suppress and a huge amount of terror, shame and grief.
I can avoid the issues I have with trusting anyone.
I can avoid my terror.
I can avoid the causal emotions that are connected to my parents and the truth of the harm they caused.
I avoid the truth of events that have happened to me, particularly the things that happened in my childhood.
I don’t have to fully face the harm I have done to others in my emotionally injured state. By suppressing my emotions I have created addictions, expectations and demands – anything that helps me avoid painful emotions.
Therefore I don’t want to forgive or repent.
I want to hold onto my false beliefs and addictions and avoid my emotional pain.
That is what I am aware of, currently, and I then feel it is such a lot to work through and make excuses. I sometimes chip away at it and educate myself about God’s truth on this, but I still resist it. I pray about my resistance sometimes and my fears and I know this blocks me from receiving God’s Love and Truth. When I feel what I feel about Love why would open to receive it? I know this is a false belief, a fear, a lie in my mind, but my soul is feeling something else and my soul expresses the truth and cannot play tricks like my mind.
God has been showing me a number of things lately in relation to my sexual injuries, so the help is there and maybe I have a small desire to know this and heal it. So I am glad that I felt that when I saw that advert and I love that these small things, especially when we notice them matter: everything matters. We are being so shown so much every day.
I do get lonely, but that can be an addiction too – wanting someone else to stop us feeing alone or unloved and I am aware that even as a child I felt very alone and very different and odd from my family and the world at times. Many times, judged, blamed, shamed, invisible, used and abused– emotions I haven’t released – so it’s not surprising my soul decides that being single is a better option.
I currently see it as the easy option – but a half lived one. I can feel that something is missing and that by choosing to be on my own, to not deal with the blocks to being in a relationship, I am missing out on a gift and a way of being that is my natural state.
Sin, is missing the mark of Love: being single is missing the mark of love because we are refusing that gift, rejecting that natural state – of being with the one person God made us to be with – the other half of ourselves and the potential that offers.
I am starting to see the sin of being on my own.
See links below for more information on Soulmate relationships:
We live in a world where we say “there are plenty more fish in the sea;” where we console ourselves over lost love by imagining another person is out there and that our perfect mate is our choice. We just have to find the “right” one and often these days we have a list of requirements: tall, slim, happy, positive, makes me laugh, kindness, takes care of me, nice eyes, long legs, large breasts, intelligent, sexy, a good cook and so the list goes on.
In the process of looking for a good match, we make mistakes and kiss many “frogs” before we find out prince or princess. This is the same whether straight or gay. We keep looking for that other half to fulfil our lives, that person who will make us happy and whom we can share our lives with and yet we don’t want to admit there is maybe just one other half. The truth is we are told there is not just one special person, that there are many who we could match with and we just look for that best match. A few people believe in finding “The One”, but are often mocked about this. Our ideas about love and relationships is very confused and contradictory.
In the western world, at least, our ears are constantly filled with songs of broken hearts and lost love. The other side of the coin is the number of programmes about dating, finding dates, and even weddings. We are certainly looking, but in fact many of us are pretty confused about the whole thing. I recently watched a few episodes of a programme in the in the UK called first dates. I felt it was a bit of escapism, but I also think inside I am also trying to work out this love/relationship stuff, just like the rest of you. Before the dates they are the participants what they are looking for and in so many people I notice the first things people list are physical, even down the type of teeth, the next most common thing is “fun,” “make me laugh” and “be positive and happy.” ( to me this indicates how afraid we are of each other’s sadness) .For women the other frequent request is be a gentleman and be big/strong; keep me safe and take care of me. There is very little mentioned about personality, qualities, ethics, morals, or much of any real depth. It may possibly be there, but they don’t say it.
Between the lines there is a lot of disappointment, confusion and hurt about love and relationships as well as a huge amount of fears about not being loved and accepted and safe. I too have these emotions, but what I have realised lately is that I have never felt truly seen or loved for myself. I always had this feeling that any mistake I made I would be punished and rejected. My belief is that to be loved I had to be perfect.
Then it hit me that the other side of this was that I had never allowed myself to be truly seen and that I didn’t even love or know myself so how could expect anyone else to love the real me. I don’t even know the real me, myself yet. I learnt early on in my childhood, like many of us, that to receive “love” I had to become the person that was acceptable to my parents and other adults around me. I had to be “good girl” or “helper” or “servant” or any other role that fitted their beliefs about me. I don’t remember my mother ever asking what dreams I had or what I would like to be. I just remember if I showed an emotion she didn’t like or expressed something she didn’t understand or want to hear or was too busy to listen too I was shut down, screamed at or ignored. So to not get punished or yelled at or ignored or rejected by my parents I became what they wanted and the feeling I have now is that “I” fragmented across the universe somewhere; went into hiding and quickly formed a facade that helped me survive, but in the long-term was and is deeply painful and got the point until recently where I really believe my facade is me.
This is the truth for most of us in one form or another and so we grow into adulthood with roles. For men is could be provider; strong; capable; husband; lover ( who knows what he’s doing) or “DIY-er, for example. For women there are many roles: carer; mother; nurturer; helper; virgin; sexy; sister; friend; multi-tasker and these days we are often expected to be able to and expected to be all of them plus have a career. It is pretty exhausting. But which one or any of them is us, the real us?
We can’t find love, I haven’t found love because I haven’t found me, and I haven’t found love because I haven’t even understood love. When I watched that dating programme I saw clearly, what Jesus has been teaching, that most relationships are based on co-dependency and we think that is love. We think that someone who fulfils all our needs or more truthfully, the “holes” in us is someone who loves us and we love someone if we fulfil all their needs: it is an emotionally addictive bartering system.The trouble with having a list of wants is that we are often never satisfied and is based on someone or both people sacrificing themselves or parts of themselves.
I can look back on all my relationships and see in each one I became who they wanted me to be. I fitted into their life, rather than discover what I wanted and when their were times I started to seek something for myself the relationship would start to break down: the bartering system started to shatter. In this process, I compromised myself in so many ways: self-love, sexually, ethically and morally. Over time, my disappointments and hurts and pain got deeper and my demands to them got greater. I tried to have control over everything and I got angry and more in addiction. My fear and sadness got greater and the things I did and the things I wanted partners to do to stop me feeling my sadness and fear got darker.
Co-dependency is a sticky, thick, ugly thing. It is all about facade and it may feel “comfortable” or “safe” because it helps us avoid painful emotions, but is does not lead us to love. How can we be intimate when we are not being our true selves? We are being a lie and living a lie. I feel very sad about the lie I have lived for so long and because it has been lived for so long there is a lot of lies/facade to break down and a lot of unlovingness to myself and others to face.
So how to do we change it? How do I change it? For me, apart from a lot of self-reflection and increasing my longing to understand and know the truth I have also been trying to learn about love; the real truth about love – God’s truth about love. It isn’t easy and I find myself confused at times, fighting between old belief systems, the world’s belief systems, versus what Jesus and Mary are teaching. The facts are there though – look at the world – if we knew love, it would not be as it is. If we knew about love, we would not be so obsessed with our version of romantic love that seems to go wrong constantly. We are not being honest that we just don’t know. The fact is I think we just have to start again – look at the whole thing again.
Something else has hit me in recent years and listening to Divine Truth is the idea that I have a soulmate – THE other half of my soul: the perfect partner for me, created for me by God. Yep, despite free will, it seems that we don’t have a choice in who our soulmate is! That is pretty confronting if you compare it with the world’s view. We can of course reject our soulmate and try to defy what God created for us, but for me it is a fact I can’t ignore. I am not sure if I have accepted it 100%, but I do know that I can’t just look at any man anymore. As those of you who have followed my blog you will know I have suspicion who my soul mate is, but because of all my emotional injuries I really don’t know for sure and to be honest, not even sure how I could have attracted him into my life even temporarily. I have some deep emotions to heal around gender and sexuality and other things.
But, logically, it makes sense that to know the other half of me, I need to start knowing who I am. If I want to be intimate with my other half, I have to find that intimacy with myself: fearlessly and I have to start challenging my beliefs about love because they sure haven’t worked so far. The “love” I have known has been conditional and in God’s eyes that isn’t love. Jesus teaches, love is a gift: unconditionally and in my heart I don’t know that yet.
I have been reading a book called “Loveability: how to love and to be loved” by Robert Holden and he talks about our deep fear that we are unloveable and it has led to our obsession with falling in love. This obsession is about being loved rather than being loving, indicating that fear of unloveablity. He says we need to stop falling and start thinking what real love is. This is what Jesus has been saying for 2000 years – what is real love and indicating that real love is demonstrated constantly by God in so many ways in our lives.
In the book, unconditional love is summarised and is very similar to what Jesus teaches so I like what was written:
“Love is not an act… not an audition.” Jesus says that love and truth go hand in hand so you can not love or be loved if you are in facade.
“Love is not a bargain.. it is not a currency you buy things with…Love does not make deals. Love does not say, ‘I will give you love, but first you must give me something else.” This is the bartering system I was talking about and most of us are in these type of relationships ( any type of relationship). I love this quote by Hafiz, “Even after all this time, The sun never says to the earth: “you owe me!”
“Love is not idolatry… when you don’t feel equal you give yourself away and take on a role.. they block intimacy. They conceal dishonesty.” I have done this many times – made myself smaller, less important than the other. If you make someone else higher than you, you live in fear and suffering: this is not love. It is a lack of self-love at the very least.
“Love is not special…. such as, “I’ve been saving all my love for you.” You are making someone into your “holy cow,” Robert Holden says, and use them to “milk as much love as possible.” Love is not exclusive for one person, the goal is to love everyone. When you love you can love anyone ( though of course soulmate love or love with God with is different – though I will admit I am struggling with this one).
“Love is not selfish..Love is full of desire. You are intent on knowing the whole person… drop the mask and stop hiding. ” This makes me feel that Love is brave and open: it flies and dances. I have felt lust and infatuation – both feel addictive and selfish – it is all about what you can get.
I think hearing that Love is a gift has been one of the most important things I have heard. It really made me think about my demands, my fears and truly how loving or not I have been over the years. From this point, I can ask myself: do I really love this person freely, without condition? Am I willing to gift my love without expectation or demand? Then if I feel any demand or expectation I know in that moment I am not loving them.
Also, do I really want to know them? Do I really want them to know me? Am I prepared to be vulnerable and open and humble to the errors and fears in me? This is intimacy – being prepared to be completely vulnerable and it scares the crap out of me and yet I am also curious. I have tried the other way and it has brought me much unhappiness, and suffering.
We need to be prepared to see the mountain of evidence that we know little about love and that’s okay. Just be honest about where we are at and build a desire to know the truth. When I was a child I had this feeling, among all the chaos around me, that if they just loved more things would be better: that love would be the answer. When we are kids we do know much more than the adults around us often. I grew up sadly, feeling my heart had been very badly battered and bruised – but it wasn’t and isn’t love that does that. It is not-love that does that. So to find love, to know love, we need to look at the not-love in the world: the not-love in ourselves, our false beliefs, our neediness, our fear, our grief.
We can’t change things we are lying about – because a lie isn’t a reality: it is a lie. Only the truth can create change, because it is truth and logically truth is real. For me, my personal truth is too impacted by emotional baggage at the moments so I look for a greater truth – a higher truth and only God has that. That is what makes God, God – she knows more than us – about love and about what is true. Jesus says to learn about love we have to learn about Love from someone who obviously knows more about love than us. Weirdly, we often try to learn from others around us who know as little or less than we do: we all scramble around in the dark together. So stop scrambling and look for someone who carries the torch. Only they can show us the way: the ones who carry the light: there are a few on earth, but a more guaranteed source in God. Praying for the faith to really know that in my heart – what a day that will be!
This post is a bit different from my normal posts, but it is still about love. This time it is about my love for animals and specifically a protected species that is being mindlessly killed by the thousands here in the UK: Badgers. I have decided I want to stop the badger culling that is happening. To save them, but also to pay back something to the animal kingdom as I used to be a meat eater and I can now feel how awful that is and for me helping the badgers is a step to atone for that unloving action.
To give a bit of background, I became a vegetarian back in 2001, but didn’t do it very well and became malnourished and ate fish again for a about 2 years or so. I obviously still had some emotions about food and eating to work through. Since my son was born in 1994 I had gradually gone off different types of meat, the last thing being chicken. Bit by bit I suddenly saw and felt the “meat” as a living breathing animal. I couldn’t disassociate anymore and then eventually the same happened for fish. I have now been vegan since the end of 2015, though I was hardly eating much dairy by then. I did it for health reasons and then watched the film “Cowspiracy” which not just talked about the animals, but also the impact on the environment of the meat and dairy industry, and that completed the transition.
Since I have become vegan I have over time found it harder to understand why people eat meat. I know it is not nutritionally necessary, but I guess there has been an emotional shift in me that now it seems very odd when I see people buying and eating meat and even at times, if I am honest, I am repulsed by it. I “see” the animals and I sometimes hear their cries.
Then lately, I have the feeling I want to atone for the sin of eating meat. This is not a judgement on those that do, but just how I feel within myself. The badger culling has upset me since I first heard about it and I signed a petition, but now I am wanting to do more if I can so I hope I can contribute some awareness to start with.
The reason for badger culling, so the government say, is to reduce the incidence of bovine TB, which has devastating effects on the farming industry and their families. (Of course if we didn’t eat meat or dairy this wouldn’t even be an issue as farming would be plant-based).
Here are the facts: (source the Badger Action Network and Wildlife Trust)
This year 19,274 badgers were culled ( and this doesn’t include the number in West Somerset or West Gloucestershire)
Next year 33,841 are targeted
A scientific study was done between 1998 and 2006 where Lord Krebs concluded, ” badger culling can make no meaningful contribution to cattle TB control in Britain” and “Culling is not a viable policy option.”
The primary cause of the spreading of Bovine TB has been shown to be cattle to cattle.
In fact, Bovine TB exists in the countryside and has been found in everything from soil, earthworms, cats, sheep pigs and more.
Badgers were protected by the Protection of Badger Act in 1992 and the Convention on Conservation of European Wildlife and Natural Habitats because they are a crucial part of an ecosystem. When one badger is killed the number of foxes doubled.
The badger cull has no support from the British Veterinary Association, the public or any wildlife charities.
There is no evidence that culling has changed the level of bovine TB. In fact prolonged culling has been shown to increase bovine TB levels because it affects badger behaviour and the location of badger setts.
Badger Culling is more expensive than vaccination. Between 2012-14 £16.8 million was spent on the culling of 2,476 badgers which works out at £6785 per badger. Vaccinations cost £293 per badger
Most scientists and wildlife experts believe that vaccination is more effective as it does not disrupt badger behaviour.
More research also needs to be done on biosecurity to prevent cattle to cattle spreading of the disease.
Here is a short film by some leading wildlife experts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhojkHMyaJg
So it all seems very clear and we can take actions: sign petitions, join local groups and write to MPs and much of that has been done. In fact, there has been a huge public outcry about this so why isn’t it changing? Why are the government ignoring experts and its voters and continuing with this illogical and awful killing?
I believe it is the same reasons, people still eat meat. We have become hugely disassociated from our emotions about animals and nature in general. We look upon our survival as dependent on us and our actions. We don’t accept emotionally simple facts, such as without trees, we won’t have oxygen; without flies, we would have piles of bodily waste products sitting on the planet. We don’t FEEL how much we need nature and in fact because of our development how we are the custodians of this planet and all the creatures in it and that possibly this beautiful place is ours to enjoy without the need to destroy it or the any living being who lives here with us. We still have very arrogant and maybe have religious justifications for “lording it over” animals, thinking we have a right to their meat, to their reproduction. Therefore, we don’t feel all our fears that underlie this: our fears about our own survival, for instance.
In the video, one expert stated he understood the farmers angry emotions about the impact of bovine TB on their lives and that because of this they wanted someone to pay. How awful, that it is now the badgers that are paying for the fact that farmers feel helpless, don’t want to feel helpless and want something to make them feel better: so let’s kill badgers and despite the evidence to the contrary. To be a farmer, you must have to become emotionally detached from animals and their suffering to varying degrees, whether it is sending them for the slaughter; putting newborn calves in tiny pens the same day as ripping from their mothers; killing hundreds of thousands of male chicks or forcing cows to produce gallons of milk time and time again after forcibly inseminating them.
But none of us are innocent in this. We demand dairy products, we love our cheese, we want our steaks and we want someone else to provide it for us, to kill the animal for us, to take the baby calf away so that we can drink it’s milk. We want that. So despite the fact than many of us are up in arms about badger culling, and we want animals to be recognised as sentient beings we actually are hypocritical every time we put on our leather shoes, or cut into our Christmas turkey. We won’t look at our real emotions – the un-lovingness in each of us that allows these things to occur and asks another person, a farmer to kill on our behalf.
We can not change things we are lying about. We can only change things when we face the truth, emotionally, of what is happening. If you really want to stop this awful culling, you can take some peaceful actions, but you can also ask yourself about how you really feel about animals. Watch things that will trigger emotions, such films as “Earthlings,” and don’t cover your eyes or press pause. Face the truth, feel it. If thinking was the answer all the scientific evidence would have changed things. It hasn’t. For some reason the culling is continuing so this means we are not recognising something we need to.
To not eat meat again I have had an emotional shift, over time that deepens over time. There are many who become vegan for lots of reasons and it is currently quite fashionable, but if the shift isn’t in your heart you will feel “tempted” to eat meat again, you will find it difficult or you will become anaemic because of your fears around plant-based diets.
We need to do the same for all our treatment of animals. Stop disconnecting, face the truth and chose Love. We ignore what is staring us in the face because it is not convenient, it challenges our “comfortable” lives and addictions. Ironically, that is the point, to change everything, we have to challenge and question all the ways we are doing things and seek the loving solution and the real truth. We will make mistakes, but the seeking of the truth is a very good first step. It is the that step which created this blog in the first place: an experiment, a searching and seeking for change.
I want to save the badgers. I want to learn what love is. But other times I am still very angry, in pain, wanting addictions and presenting a face to the world that isn’t me. That is the truth: a battle of my soul, a seeking and searching, making mistake after mistake and getting a few things right. But I would rather try than do nothing. As Roosevelt said:
“The best thing to do is the right thing. The next best thing to do is the wrong thing. The worst thing to do is nothing.”
Prayers for the badgers and all the beautiful creatures that share this world with me.
I haven’t written for a while as there are some changes happening and I am re-evaluating my blog – well my life actually. I have been taking some actions to help myself follow my desires, find work I love, find out more of who I am. I have been very busy and struggling at times with my 9-5, Monday to Friday job. Also, the last 15 months have been intense with things I have had to do for my son, who is an adult with Down’s syndrome. That story is a whole new post, but needless to say it has impacted life greatly and I have to look at my law of attraction and what it is really saying to me – not what I think it is saying.
I don’t find that easy, but the fact is I haven’t created much time to think about God or the Divine Truth teachings. I haven’t been able to help with the transcribing or watch many videos. What I have been doing is to keep challenging some comfort zones and have done a course to help me discover my desires and give me some tools for that. It has been really good. I have done some performance poetry, which I have loved and wrote to people I never would have done before. There has been fear and battles with apathy and/or addictions, but I keep finding a step to take and it feels good.
I am also connecting with people again and boy that brings you lots to learn about yourself, your fears, your addictions and your fears. Much more effective than hiding away – which I was doing for a few years.
I haven’t found time for everything and certainly still not spending enough time on things I love, and still emotionally resistance to feeling the deep stuff. I have discovered how important being present in my body is to feeling and realised how long I have been escaping out of my body to avoid feeling so now have some spinal work to see if that will help me unlock some emotions and of course I have to be willing.
I haven’t heard my guides for a while ( I don’t feel worthy a lot/resistance or in addiction, which prevents them helping me), but today I was sitting knitting ( a new hobby) and it stops me thinking and opens up another part of me and I started to write what I was “hearing” and got reminded that in all my busyness, my doing and trying, my intellectual working out of my issues, that I am still avoiding the big one: my relationship with God. Every time I have tried to do it, I stop as soon as I hit something, so my guides said that I need to prioritise above all else my relationship to God and all the things I am trying to and weighed down by will become clearer and easier. God’s love above all else will help me change my life. To feel my lack of faith, my blocks to God’s love are the biggest thing to focus on.
I have listened to this so many times from the DT talks, but like many, I keep going for the easier stuff ( or so it seems) as I don’t really know or have faith in the power of God’s love and I am afraid of it too. My guides gave me 4 pages of advice about this and then this is how it works. The law of attraction brought me a conversation with a friend, it triggered some emotions about men. I immediately went out for a walk, found a quiet country lane and stomped along swearing and ranting at God – so pissed at Him. I was rambling on like a mad woman until I actually ended up talking to my human father and crying about him and the feeling of never being good enough to be loved: touching the side of that deep fear that I am not lovable.
The funny thing is, I think of Divine Truth every day in some way and I wanted to write about the difference it has made in my life and I am not even on the Way yet, not properly. I haven’t opened to God’s love and I have lacked humility so many times. Yet, it has impacted my life hugely. What will it do when I really let God in?
So I thought I would write a list of how I feel Divine Truth teachings have helped me and changed my life already. For those of you who are curious maybe this will make you more curious. What I do want to do is acknowledge what it has done, with gratitude to Mary and Jesus (That’s me in 2013 – yellow top, just behind Mary and Jesus) for sharing what they know, with so much patience and compassion and for God, for creating such a system, that doesn’t let us get away with anything, but takes us to a place, a path, to our real, amazing selves. I am getting an inkling of me, a twinkling out of the corner of my eye, enough to make me look further. There are others such as Jesus and Mary, and the people like Aphraar ( see Robert James Lee trilogy on the extras page) who know more than me so do look there. In the meantime, here is what the DT teachings have done for me:
Understand that I have a soul, a spirit body and physical body and that I am a soul and how that works
That I am created to be emotional and that my soul is the power, not my mind.
Some understanding of how the universe works, who God is and His Laws
The difference between God’s love and truth and human understanding of love and how little we/I know of real love.
To start to see the truth of my life and my soul condition, my emotional injuries and the sin ( things out of harmony with love) in me.
How my suppressed emotions impact the world negatively
How fear has been my God for a long time
That God is interested in me, the real me, the “pinnacle of his creation.” and not the facade me
That I matter.
That there are absolute Truths
Information and understanding of the spirit world and spirits.
Understanding of spirit influence in my life and how I can change that.
That what I think and what I feel can be very different and it is always the emotions in me that guide my life
Some understanding of soulmates – that God designed a perfect mate for me and why I we currently don’t know that because of our emotional injuries.
That I have spent much of my life in a facade, which has grown as I have grown, due to my fears and addictions to avoid my emotions
To have compassion with myself
That following my desires and passions is important. That my unique gifts make a difference to my soul and to everyone else around me.
That there is a difference between natural human love and God’s love and they create two different ways of healing and growing and the potential of the second is far greater.
That all the information I have learnt ( as above) has given me hope and empowered me. I had thought that life was meaningless, empty, but that it isn’t and that my younger feelings that Love guided everything is true and that I if I grow faith in this and God’s love for me, everything in my life can change.
I am becoming a better person because I can examine and feel more truthfully about when I am sinning. I have stopped denying I have these ugly emotions in me.
My desire to experience these emotions (without harming anyone) will set me free. I have the choice.
To seek for my real self, to seek beyond what I thought I knew.
To be truthful and that love and truth hold hands and one can’t exist without the other.
Without knowing some of the Divine Truth teachings I would not have coped with the cancer as well; I would not have understood it’s root and causes, I would not have found a reason to keep living.
Many of these statements are just intellectual understandings for me at the moment, some are hopes that they may be true and a few have really hit home. When I first listened to Secrets of the Universe back in 2012 it really hit my soul that truth I had been seeking was here. I didn’t anticipate how much it would rock my world and uproot every belief and everything I thought I knew. Until recently, I built any self worth I had on my intellect and then to learn that my intellect meant so little and in fact I honestly had to admit my intellect alone had not found the answers or healing I was seeking. I have been and continue to be confronted with my own unlovingness, my own lies and self-delusion: in fact most of the things I have known have been shown to be wrong and boy do I resist the change, the challenge to my belief structures and hold onto fears and anger: anything to feel safe.
BUT I have not been happy in my so-called “safe” zones. I have been a shrivelled mask of my self, disconnected and disassociated from real love and life. With Divine truth I have seen things differently, experimented with new ways and admitted truths to myself and it has made me now think more carefully about my choices and my behaviour: asking what is really loving in this moment? What would Love do? What is God’s truth?
It turns out that God’s truth is that we are all very, very important; very, very loved and with a ton of potential to be amazing ten times over, once we choose to seek true Love. Divine truth has and is changing my life and this is with only small steps on my part. I observe others doing better on the path than me and so the changes in their lives are greater and for some reason I can never and do not want to let it go. There is nothing like these truths. This is not meant arrogantly: I have tried many other things and beliefs and nothing sparkles in my soul like this.
It has gifted me so much already and I don’t think I know it fully yet, but it has. My outlook on life has changed and now my actions are starting to follow in certain areas, at least. What we are seeking is already here. I hope in the next few years I can demonstrate more, and be walking my talk more than I am now. But whatever I do, you can choose to check it out for yourself and if you do I hope some of the things on these pages help you.
I have been looking more into the truth of what I desire and experimenting with observing what I create every day from my desire. I have also been becoming more sensitive to how it feels when I do and when I don’t follow a desire. The following notes are from that experimentation and from the Divine Truth teachings. I will put a reference to the talks that have helped me the most with this at the end.
The evidence of my desire for a particular thing or a things, is in my actions every day: the amount of time I think about it, feel about it, read about it, investigate it, experiment with it, act on it. If I am not doing this then there are some emotions in the way: fear; fear of change; fear of who I may become; fear of failure and how terrible that may feel. We may think we want to become that new person, that we want the change, but an emotion in our soul is in disagreement with that thought because it is our soul which is actually the true driving force of how we act on our desires or not. Our soul tells us the truth, whereas our mind can manufacture thoughts that are not true and often distracting. It is just our mind, but we are our soul.
Our soul contains all of our emotions and our beliefs – many error based from our childhood environment. Our soul also contains our passions, desires, intentions, memories. But it cannot contain both the truth on a subject and the error on the same subject. To know the truth we have to release error.
So if my parents have told me all my life I am incapable, or a failure, a disappointment – we are terribly afraid that what they said or projected at us may be true and if we hold onto that fear it prevents us taking action on our desire. We don’t challenge that belief we will stay stuck in it. If we don’t challenge our fear we cannot follow our desires.
I live in my fear, my fear creates all sort of excuses for not following that desire: I don’t have enough time; I can’t afford it; what will my partner think; my children need me. I also create many addictions to distract me from the fear – that keep me busy and “comfortable.” I stay stagnant or even get in a worse state as our soul shrinks when we deny it, when we don’t feel, and when we don’t follow our desires.
Jesus teaches that fear is the biggest block to desire. The more we live in our fear we have the less desire we have, the less we know what our desires even are. Instead, if we act on a desire, however small, and we let ourselves feel our fear, but not let it stop us, we will release some fear and then there is room for more desire in our soul.
I have felt how it has felt lately when I have followed a desire even when I was very afraid. I recently did a performance for the solo autobiographical theatre I started this year (to get out my comfort zone) and I deliberately included in it two things I was terrified of doing in public: dancing and singing. ( There are also two things I love doing). For a week before I felt shaky inside, woke up in the night with fear, felt sick, couldn’t think straight at times because all I could feel was this fear pulsing through me. But, I did it anyway, and goodness it was so freeing. I learnt that my fear didn’t kill me, that it is just a feeling. It may sound silly, but I have had a fear of fear – that it would overwhelm me to the point of death. I am not saying that has gone fully, but this one step has given me some faith that fear will not kill me. I also felt my soul expanded. I feel braver and more willing.
These feelings are in stark contrast to what I have been feeling for a long time: restricted, oppressed, small, lost, despairing – like where is the real me? I have felt so disconnected from my own soul and as time goes on it becomes more painful to not be me, to live in facade, to live in fear.
So what does my heart really desire? I just need to look at my day what I create every day: I create what I desire. So if I truly, sincerely want change it will happen and I won’t let anything stop me. If change doesn’t happen then the truth is my soul is actually saying, “I am too afraid of change” or “I don’t feel worthy” – feelings like that. So be honest. If we keep deceiving ourselves that we want something and getting frustrated that it isn’t happening, blaming outside forces, or making excuses we will remain stagnant.
God wants us to discover and follow our passionate desires. It is the most loving thing you can do for ourselves: to discover our worth, our real self in the process.
I starting to have some faith and some belief that it is okay for me to follow my desires. I am the at the beginning of that path and ironically maybe, just stepping out of my comfort zone a bit has also highlighted how much grief I have yet to process over my lack of self-worth. But that’s okay, as I have been pretending for a while I was feeling much better about myself than I actually do. The denial was doing me much more harm than the truth I am now feeling. What is now occurring is a deeper shift that feels long-lasting. Baby steps – but like a baby the more I walk the steadier I will get and the then the faster I will get.
So being honest about our desires, about our fears, about our excuses and blocks will create movement. Taking action is a must. It means we are not living in our fear and it will automatically trigger the emotions we need to release.
Imagine living in your passion – what will that feel like? Oh just to feel it, to experience it. Look at those that are doing this. They don’t go to work, they go to play.
I am very curious about my potential and I am curious about yours.
What do we desire? But more than that, what are we doing about it?
After a few weeks of resistance and rebellion and not feeling happy at all in that space and then spending a good amount of time in nature this weekend -swimming in the sea, walking on the moors, by rivers, where despite ranting at God, when faced with such beauty I can not help but be awestruck and challenged by the different perspective that beauty and the love of it’s creation/Creator confronts me with. I am still feeling bloody-minded (there are fears I don’t want to feel), but I came across these interviews from 2011, after a friend was interested in what I was telling her about the divine truth teaching and having not seen these all the way through before, found them really good and poignant for me to feel other things beside just my resistance. Just can’t deny these teachings or these two amazing souls!
In the first video Jesus and Mary talk about their identity, why they are back on earth, who God is, why we struggle with believing in God, soulmates, and a basic summary of what they teach and demonstrate. In the second video the subjects range from the Law of Compensation, forgiveness and repentance, non-violent resistance, why Hitler came about, 9/11 and earth changes. All really interesting stuff and a good introduction (along with Secrets of the Universe talks on the Divine Truth information page on this website) – if you want to get an overview of what I talk about regularly or are just curious about the fact Jesus and Mary are back on earth. They are interviewed by Geoff Whitehouse who says he has been an atheist for 20 years or so and been reading Richard Dawson and suchlike, but meeting Jesus and Mary has made him rethink…