Previously on.. An Education in Love

I don’t know what to say, but each assistance group get’s better and better. I have listened, but not acted on what I have listened to so far. Current events in my own life, my further suffering and pain, have caused me to confront more truth in myself, step by step and to really try to see that what I understand as love is mostly very wrong and extremely fear based. Fear has and is still my God, but watching these 2016 assistance group videos ( downloaded on divinetruth.com) are truly wonderful. I still have to do all the homework from them, and am just currently jotting down initial feelings and thoughts that arise. As Mary as done, asking myself questions – hopefully the right ones – in order to see truthfully where I am at and where I might like to be. Jesus is, as ever, direct, loving and truthful. This is great, great stuff – more than most of us realise and Mary’s own voice, via her blog, is honest, encouraging and heart-provoking. Go on… experiment… have a peek…

Notes Along The Way

Recapping the ‘Developing My Will to Love’ Group

“I like Homeland, but I don’t think it’s as good as that other show, Previously on Homeland. That thing is action-packed.”—Amy Poehler at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards

Watching Group One

I had so much fun binge watching the recordings of our first Assistance Group – Developing My Will to Love.

Just like when I’ve seriously watched TV programmes in the past (BSG – I mean you) I went through the full gamut of emotions while watching these groups – anticipation, sorrow, laughter, cringes and so on.

I called Jesus on numerous occasions to tell how amazing he was. I wrote down certain things he said verbatim because I want to print them on t-shirts (or maybe tattoo them on my forearm for life-long handy reference).

At various times I talked out loud to the TV screen.

And…

View original post 2,279 more words

Advertisements

Let Love Lead the Revolution in Your Heart

An old blog of Mary’s from 2011 ..but a fabulous one.

Notes Along The Way

We have been traveling a little lately and receiving emails. I know that many on the Divine Love Path are feeling a bit lost. AJ hasn’t given a talk for some months and the addiction to his energy and direction is beginning to be challenged in many.
I see some people floundering to know what the rules are for living this Path, seeking to understand it from their intellect. I see many repeating AJ’s words and applying them to situations in which they were not originally applied. People are wanting to ‘do as he does’ without firstly understanding emotionally what and how he does things. This can be a very dangerous practice. The Divine Love Path is not a code of conduct and we cannot grow in love by following a doctrine.
Love must lead the revolution in our hearts and lives; otherwise we have not truly changed. We can…

View original post 1,084 more words

THE WALLS AROUND OUR HEART

https://video-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-xfp1/v/t42.1790-2/11017086_10153206602642276_1882098574_n.mp4?efg=eyJybHIiOjMwMCwicmxhIjoxODYzLCJ2ZW5jb2RlX3RhZyI6ImxlZ2FjeV9zZCJ9&rl=300&vabr=161&oh=4fbe7190340693977148479d20ec3d0b&oe=55B8E922

The other day I watched this amazing clip of a woman giving her wedding vows. It was so honest and raw that it hit me right in the heart. You may not agree with everything in the clip, but I certainly recognised parts of myself. I have a huge wall around my heart in relationships – mostly built of fear: fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of anger/attack, fear of deceit, fear of abuse, being used… you get the gist. My experience of “love” is so messed up that I am afraid to really love or be loved and so I shut it out and run away physically or emotionally. “Love” is so connected with pain for many of us we don’t even realise that it was never love in the first place. Love does not include pain: pain comes from our unhealed emotions – shame, grief, fear, anger. All the stuff that got stuck creates situations that are painful. This is the Law of Attraction: constant events provided by this God-made law to show us what we need to feel and release. The longer we hold on the bigger the pain, the bigger the causal become, the more we have to heal emotionally. Love is actually the remedy: loving ourselves enough to allow those feelings to be felt, loving others enough not to project our fears and anger at them.

It is closer to the biblical quote of Corinthians 13: ” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is [never] angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

(The bit in brackets I have changed to never because it said “easily angered” and I believe love or God is never angry. I know some religions will disagree, but that is my personal belief and experience).

We need to reeducate our little hurt selves about love and feel all those emotions. I find re-educating my hurt self easier ( intellectually) but still walking around looking at my wall, instead of trusting God that he provided me with enough to knock through. So many times I feel I am a hypocrite – it’s so easy to say words, watch videos, get it in your head. It’s not real though until we live it and breath it: until it is in our heart, our soul.

THE WALLS OF MY HEART

I still cling to the walls round my heart,
Afraid, trembling,
The urge to run constant and repeating,
I blame, shift and shape
To avoid the terror
Of another trampling of my heart.
But these walls serve only as a prison,
Keeping out the garden of Eden,
The gift of understanding the truth about real love,
A gift eternally shone on us by God.
To bring us to our knees
And lay before Him
All our pain, terror and sadness,
So that we can love, laugh and live.

Yet we cling to these walls,
I cling to mine,
Banging raw knuckles at them ,
Again and again
Because a part of my soul,
Cries out for freedom,
Cries out to feel,
Cries out to reach out
And experience the true bliss
Given to us by God,
The wild, passionate knowing of a soul
In love
with all.
A beautiful constant flow from the rivers of heaven.
God wants to give us it all.
Yet we continue to resist, rebel, hate and yell.
We..I can not even love myself
With these walls around my heart,
I can not give myself fully to another. .
To you, my other half,
My beautiful soul mate.
Yes wounded birds we are,

But the cage we look out from,
Never had a key,
It was never locked.
Addicted to our pain,
Broken in a thousand pieces was all an illusion.
We were always whole in God’s eyes.
She just waits for us to truly learn about love.
Not the twisted, fake over-romanticised,
Vomiting, belief-in-heartbreak kinda love.
But the unconditional, pure love as shown by God:
A love with no walls, no cage and no prison.
Love that is true and real and big.
Love that is humble and honest,
Flowing and unafraid.

I have only touched the edge of this love
For brief, beautiful moments in my life.
But I have faith it exists.

And that knocks the first brick
from the first wall round my heart..

Pow!

Maxine Bell

Walls

from the first wall round my heart..Pow!

Why is humility so hard?

flower shadow

“It is pride that turned angels into devils;

It is humility that makes men as angels.”

Saint Augustine

Jesus describes humility as “the passionate desire to feel ALL of our emotions.” That is every single emotion in every single moment. It is the process of tuning in, becoming sensitive, to how we feel ALL of the time, to listening and acknowledging what is going on in our soul. Our feelings are part of our soul and if felt properly tell us the truth of what is going on, what is going wrong and what is going right. Humility is an essential part of healing, our self-growth and realisation, our growth in love and truth, and if we so desire, our journey to to become at one with God by receiving his love.

So why is it so hard? I have been pondering this question tonight and see that is not the real question. The real question is:

Why am I not more humble? Why do I resist feeling all of my emotions? So why do I resist truth and keep myself from love?

It makes no sense and I have always prided myself on my common sense. I am creative, but I love logic too. I look around at the world and see so much illogical thought and action and wonder why so many don’t see it too. So logically, it makes sense to have humility, to feel, to release the error and discover truth and mostly to choose love, for myself and for others. Logically, humility is obvious, simple and powerful.

So what does humility feel like? For me, in the times when I let myself feel true emotions: rage, fear, grief; afterwards it feels soft, but strong: beautiful, and real. The harsh edges have melted, the armour dropped away. I gain a small sense of the real me. It is surrender and surrender is freeing: wings unclipped, effortless. It is as though I can rest: I don’t have to “try”, or be strong, or keep going, or pushing or pulling one way and another. Even if I am in tears, there is a huge relief, of not have to keep trying to be what others or I expect of me. The is no “should” just I am. It is amazing and yet I resist. Why?

So if I am not humble, if I am not letting myself feel my emotions, what am I doing instead? Instead, I am in a facade and I am used to the facade; I like it; I am used to it. I created it when I was young to protect me, to help me survive. My parents may have encouraged the facade, because the facade rarely upsets the status quo. The one where we are all pretending to be alive, to function, to be a family, to live some kind of life. The one where being too emotional is seen as weakness or drama, where emotions are suppressed, from the first moment our mother says, “don’t cry sweetie, ” we are told not to feel. Feelings frighten us, the truth frightens us. We fear being overwhelmed and create a desire to control and manage our life and our emotions. So this is what I have done, and so have you.

From conception, I inherited emotional injuries from my parents, and so it continued as their injuries spilled out into their parenting and my childhood. This cycle of damage perpetuates the pain and builds the facade. To make it worse, if we want to scream or cry because we feel emotional pain, we are told to be quiet, to not cry, to not express: we ingest our parents and environments beliefs about emotions. So we build more facade. This cycle shrinks us and we become masters of control: I became a master of control.

The facade is our survival technique, but the longer we hold onto it, the more damage is done. But we are in it so utterly, that we will do anything to keep it. We create emotional and physical addictions to numb the pain, to not feel too much: we drink, we eat, we take drugs, we demand to be rescued, to be saved, to look for someone to care for us, to keep us feeling good. We will do anything to feel good and avoid our pain. Over a lifetime we create thousands of addictions, so many, so ingrained we don’t even notice.

So here I am, like many of you, living in a facade to protect my heart, to keep the lid on my Pandora’s box of emotions from my childhood. I am so used to living this way, that even though I have experienced a little of the wonder of humility, my desire to NOT feel outweighs my desire to feel. Inside, I am terrified to feel overwhelmed. So many overwhelming things happened when I was a child: tsunami’s came my way and I couldn’t swim. The constant flight and fright mode, left me fighting for control, amid the chaos. And I got it, I got how to control what I could, whether it was food, feelings, my environment or people: anything to NOT feel the terror of what was going on. And I am still there, afraid of the terror and the grief inside.

So now I sit with feet in both camps. I know, intellectually, that to have humility will change everything for me. I understand it is the way to the real me, to knowing myself and my soulmate, to knowing my real Parent and yet, I stubbornly hang on to my facade and addictions: clinging to the rock face; not wanting to jump and yet knowing I must. Because without humilty I can’t progress, I can’t love or be loved and that makes me sad. I see how in my facade, I defend my point of view, I deny what I really feel to my own detriment and to the detriment of the other half of my soul. My facade hurts me and it hurts others. It is harsh, yukky, unattractive. It pushes away my soulmate, that beautiful man.It keeps me away from God and her love and from real joy.

I don’t like my facade. It has become like an old item of clothing: once a favourite – familiar and safe and yet if you really look at it, it if full of mothballs, scruffy and musty. I really need to throw it out, “thanks for you help mate, but it’s time for you to go.” It’s time for me to feel.

So it’s not humility that is hard. Being emotional is how God created us. It’s our resistance to feel,and the deep hold we let our facade and addictions have in our life. In the end we have the choice to change it, as we do with everything in life. It is our desire, our will to make it happen that creates the change. So far, I feel my desire has been half-hearted. I have made fear my God and fear weaves a web of denial and lack. Fear keeps me from love.

I am sorry, to all those who offer me love and I keep it at bay through my fear. I am sorry I do that to you and I am sorry I do it to myself. My facade has a firm hold and it cares not about Love, but about maintaining itself – at all costs. But I don’t want to give in to it: chip by chip; brick by brick; wall by wall it will come down if I really want it to.  I believe in Love – not the love the world has shown me , but a love my soul understands exists somewhere. I believe in a life with so many more possibilities than the facade can ever offer us.

Humility isn’t hard, my facade is. Humility offers freedom, fear a prison. Humility takes us to truth and to love, not to pain and suffering. Humility is one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves. It is the biggest gift I can give to myself: all of me.

Maxine Bell

BEING A SLAVE BY ROBBY

Today I am going to share a poem Robby wrote a few weeks ago. It is beautifully written and sincere. Like me he has written from a feeling and then let it evolve.  When I saw it I was moved by it and the look on his face. Both of have issues of self worth from our childhoods that have spilled out into our adult lives and our subsequent actions from that wounded space: we weren’t really made to feel we had any passions or desires, like alot of us….very sad.

But, I also had another emotion come up… “Oh no this is a good poem, but I am the writer…. I am not good at much, but writing I am ok at. It took me 30 years to even admit to anyone I had this passion and now my soulmate is writing well. I am disappearing again….agh I am not good enough”   Panic! A huge fear came up, I felt threatened. What an unloving thing to feel about your soul mate. One minute I was moved and proud of him, the next I was caught up in my own fears which have led me to conveniently forget to post this until now. Yukky stuff, yes? Often we can admit how unloving we are to ourselves in our injuries, but less easily how we can be unloving to others.  My fear of being nothing, my belief I will never be good enough made me unloving to the other half of me! 😦 Robby and I have experienced this so many times, when our addictions and fears hurt the other. To be truthful about is painful and shameful. So much of the narrow path yet to walk… but a blessed path it is too.

So tonight, I finally had some humility and thought “Deal with your insecurities Maxine! Just feel it and don’t project it out or avoid it and POST the poem!”  In fact I know that God’s law of attraction will gift me the opportunity to feel even more if I do and for Robby to a chance to receive and share.

Sorry hun it has taken me so long….. Here is your wonderful poem, the rawness of your heart:

 

slavery

 

BEING A SLAVE

BY

ROBBY JACOBS

I don’t deserve the way I feel

Being, wondering, searching in the mists: it feels so surreal.

Everything around me feels and looks the same,

Pounding and beating myself, I have no-one to blame.

Why does it hurt when I feel ashamed.

Ashamed about the darkness running through my veins.

Bitterness, revenge, hatred, all being so cruel,

I just need to feel these feelings, like there are no rules.

Please, please, please hear me if you are there,

Please notice that I am in real despair.

All I see is darkness, I need a way out,

I don’t even know who is listening, while I scream and shout.

I scream, I shout, til I can no more,

Holding onto anger, falling, crying on the floor.

Howling, crying, releasing those tears.

I don’t know what is happening, not feeling any fears.

This my child, is where I exist.

You will find me there, when you stop resist.

I am here for you in all my glory,

I am here for you to tell you my story.

Feel, play, dance and know it’s safe,

Free your emotions, don’t be a slave.

Free yourself from all your restrictions,

Observe yourself when you are acting out addictions.

Take the time to admit the truth,

Your fears are stopping you, from experiencing my truth.

I tell you, my child, it is ok to feel,

Experiencing my love, notice I am real.

Now go on my child and experience life.

Go on my child and remember it’s safe

To free yourself, from being a slave.

I never heard a voice so sweet.

Caring, loving, not stamping his feet.

I never felt a love so pure,

Knowing that love, being my cure.

I wiped my tears, feeling loved and seen.

I wiped my tears, feeling blessed and serene.

Standing straight, facing myself

No more despair, accepting myself.

For the wounded child I became,

Feeling and knowing I don’t have to live in shame.

Step by step, day by day.

I ask God to guide me on my way.

Trusting God will always be there,

When I feel moments of total despair.