I have just read a wonderful story, written by a sister also trying to follow the Way. It is a lovely analogy of all of our stories and the hope we have to do things differently. Please check out the link below:
https://divinetruthhub.com/a-story-about-hurt-in-wolfdom/
I have recently become friends with a young woman who impresses me very much. She is humble, gentle and yet has a fire in her belly when it comes to following her passions and wanting to contribute something good to the world. She is willing to work hard and do what it takes to fulfil her dream, but she does it all in a quiet way. During one of our chats I told her about my blog and that it was about my search for truth and that I started it after I discovered the Divine Truth teachings and told her a little about them. I awkwardly explained that Jesus and Mary were back.
I still have fear and shame about saying that because I still want people to like me and not judge me. As soon as I do say it I can feel doors shutting and minds closing and receiving a “look” that ranges from doubtful to condescending. I hate the feeling that people think I am either mad or hugely gullible. The sad thing is it then prevents people from looking at the teachings themselves – they can’t see past the Jesus thing – so miss out on something wonderful because of their belief systems – and we have so many false ones around God and Jesus: both get mixed into religion and religion is man- made, not God made. Ironically, Jesus is mostly man-made as religion has translated his teachings to their own devices. And Jesus is Jesus – I’m pretty certain he is and I am certain HE knows who he is and I’m pretty certain because he walks he walks, he knows lots of things no one else done and he is as I thought he would be: kind, humble, direct and brave – those were my thoughts when I was 17/18, was a active part of a Baptist Church, but always getting into trouble for asking too many questions and in the end I left –but the other thing is I often cry just listening to him these days – there is so much sincere love in him and that is kind of love is rare and I feel it.
But I am digressing – because my friend did react a little, but she still went home and read some of my blog posts. I did warn her some of them are pretty intense – particularly the last one. (There’s that fear of other’s judgement of me again). I am not sure if she will read it again, but I wanted to share her feedback as it relates to what I wanted to talk about today. She said, “I have read some of your blog – it is intense, as you warned me, but I honestly think it is amazing Maxine how far you have come and how much you are committed to personal development even though that is such a challenge for all of us. I think you are very hard on yourself. Most people don’t even try. I know how hard it is to hear and accept it but really it is incredible everything you have come through and done and I hope one day you will truly appreciate this.”
The bit about my harshness with myself and her compassion for me brought up an emotion for me, one that is coming up in various shades a lot lately as I reflect on where I am at, what God’s Law of Attraction is showing is in my soul for healing: and it’s a lot about my lack of self worth and related to that is my addiction to being harsh with myself and I re-read my last post. I wanted to be very direct in my post as I felt it was important, important for me to talk about that subject as I am awakening to these things. However, there is a tone of severity in it and it’s not the first time. I have had so many events lately encouraging me to soften and have compassion with myself: to be patient and loving with myself.
I have felt I am being more loving with myself than I used to be and in many ways I am. My harshness took a severe form of self harm for years and that has changed, but self criticism and self judgement is insidious and so subtle day to day. I have been observing myself every day and noticing how just in a moment I judge. I have even found myself judging others for things I am insecure about in myself! It has become a complete habit, an addiction – a normal way to live!
Watch yourself and you will find similar, in fact in the Western society I live in, it is positively encouraged to judge ourselves and others and often in very superficial ways. It is an awful way to live and I am beginning to feel a deep sadness about it and stopping the criticism when I notice it and looking more deeply into why I am doing it.
I agree with Jesus and Mary that as children we learn to judge, berate and belittle ourselves, because it is easier to do that than feel the pain of being judged, berated and belittled by our parents and in fact we even get rewarded for taking the blame at times.
My sadness is the rising of memories of how much I was blamed as a child for things that were not my fault – such as my mother’s unhappiness. That is a big weight for a child to carry on her shoulders. It’s the “I’m never good enough” emotion and it runs deeply in me. Sometimes I feel grief about it sitting in my chest and it starts to rise and it feels like it will choke me. I’m not quite willing to let it come all the way yet.
So in my last post there was a lot of truth in what I said about being very suppressed and the big impact on my life, but also a lack of compassion. So I have been experimenting -allowing more gentleness with myself and it feels so much better and emotions flow more easily: it’s a learning curve and ongoing process. I can feel this little girl in me and she is very sad about what was happening around and to her. To acknowledge her and let her cry – let myself cry will be such a relief. It will feel so strange too and it is also why it is happening very slowly right now in lots of little moments throughout the day, but it’s so much better to finally pay some attention to the pain.
Mary gave me some feedback in 2016 about being more compassionate with myself. It was feedback about an interview I did for a podcast where I hadn’t realised that I wasn’t being treated lovingly by the interviewer. That I didn’t notice unloving treatment hit me, but mostly what hit me was the love and compassion that I heard in her voice for me and I cried, both touched, but also finding it difficult to receive.
Two years on and I beginning to get it as I’ve been trying out and paying attention to God’s messenger – the Law of Attraction. I also notice how many more spirits surround me and join in with the harshness and when I am softer, they have less say and I feel lighter.
I have always been “strong,” and it is a quality that is admired in society, but I’m tired of it, tired of being told to keep going. I don’t want to be strong anymore, because actually I don’t even understand that term anymore. I may have kept going, picked myself off the floor a thousand times, but do you know what got me back up or stopped me killing myself even? It wasn’t the thought, oh I must be strong. It was hope, like a whisper in my ear – a feeling I can’t explain much more than and for a second I wasn’t alone.
I recently watched an old talk called “The Laws Governing Self Love” from 2009 after seeing a few quotes on Facebook from a Divine Love Daily quote page that was started. I found them difficult to watch and from what Jesus said so did most of the audience: we really struggle with self love. I have realised I don’t know much about self love, and I suspect most of us don’t and that talk highlights so many areas still to be understood about self love ( and Love).
The section of the talk about forgiving yourself was particularly poignant and at one point Jesus says, “A person who is merciful towards themselves doesn’t judge themselves for taking 25 years to get to a place that could have taken them 3 months. They don’t judge themselves about that.”
Recognise yourself? I did. No wonder I find forgiveness of others hard, I haven’t forgiven myself and I am pretty certain there are some things I think I need to forgive that weren’t my fault. But the list of things I need to forgive myself for is long and I can feel now that softness will allow that; compassion and understanding, which will allow me to love myself enough to cry and yes have mercy with myself, just as God does.
What beautiful words they are: compassion, gentleness, mercy, grace, forgiveness. I can feel some wonderful healing alchemy just saying them: there is movement in them, like a beautiful river. Very different from the sounds of judgement, harshness, critical and I wonder at the symbolism in the language, but it’s true – say them out loud and you will feel the difference.
So right now, in my life, I am very insecure about many things. I don’t really get how to love myself yet and I feel scared about lots of things. People scare me somewhat because I find it hard to believe I am lovable. I just to say this because I know so many of you feel the same inside yourself. But I am in a much better place than I was three months ago when I was pretending I was feeling great and trying to convince myself and others that I was heading for bigger things, and such similar things.
I am better because I am slowly learning not to hide away from myself and now I have the power to change things because I am bringing them out into the light. But most importantly, I am realising it is not about pushing, shoving or forcing myself into submission, but leaning into patience, understanding and love with myself.
When I was a nurse, we didn’t stick a little plaster over a deep wound to hide it and pretend it wasn’t there. Instead we opened the wound, allowed pus to seep out and gently cleaned it every day, until all the yuckiness had gone and new cells then had room to grow and fill in the hole with fresh tissue and blood supply. We didn’t rush it, couldn’t rush the natural processed that needed to occur, allowing the body time to heal so that the job was done properly and would remain healed and healthy. We knew that the infection and the hole weren’t permanent, but just a consequence of an injury and we knew the body had an incredible capacity for healing, with tender care and patience.
So you see, I have known all along what to do!
We live in a world where we say “there are plenty more fish in the sea;” where we console ourselves over lost love by imagining another person is out there and that our perfect mate is our choice. We just have to find the “right” one and often these days we have a list of requirements: tall, slim, happy, positive, makes me laugh, kindness, takes care of me, nice eyes, long legs, large breasts, intelligent, sexy, a good cook and so the list goes on.
In the process of looking for a good match, we make mistakes and kiss many “frogs” before we find out prince or princess. This is the same whether straight or gay. We keep looking for that other half to fulfil our lives, that person who will make us happy and whom we can share our lives with and yet we don’t want to admit there is maybe just one other half. The truth is we are told there is not just one special person, that there are many who we could match with and we just look for that best match. A few people believe in finding “The One”, but are often mocked about this. Our ideas about love and relationships is very confused and contradictory.
In the western world, at least, our ears are constantly filled with songs of broken hearts and lost love. The other side of the coin is the number of programmes about dating, finding dates, and even weddings. We are certainly looking, but in fact many of us are pretty confused about the whole thing. I recently watched a few episodes of a programme in the in the UK called first dates. I felt it was a bit of escapism, but I also think inside I am also trying to work out this love/relationship stuff, just like the rest of you. Before the dates they are the participants what they are looking for and in so many people I notice the first things people list are physical, even down the type of teeth, the next most common thing is “fun,” “make me laugh” and “be positive and happy.” ( to me this indicates how afraid we are of each other’s sadness) .For women the other frequent request is be a gentleman and be big/strong; keep me safe and take care of me. There is very little mentioned about personality, qualities, ethics, morals, or much of any real depth. It may possibly be there, but they don’t say it.
Between the lines there is a lot of disappointment, confusion and hurt about love and relationships as well as a huge amount of fears about not being loved and accepted and safe. I too have these emotions, but what I have realised lately is that I have never felt truly seen or loved for myself. I always had this feeling that any mistake I made I would be punished and rejected. My belief is that to be loved I had to be perfect.
Then it hit me that the other side of this was that I had never allowed myself to be truly seen and that I didn’t even love or know myself so how could expect anyone else to love the real me. I don’t even know the real me, myself yet. I learnt early on in my childhood, like many of us, that to receive “love” I had to become the person that was acceptable to my parents and other adults around me. I had to be “good girl” or “helper” or “servant” or any other role that fitted their beliefs about me. I don’t remember my mother ever asking what dreams I had or what I would like to be. I just remember if I showed an emotion she didn’t like or expressed something she didn’t understand or want to hear or was too busy to listen too I was shut down, screamed at or ignored. So to not get punished or yelled at or ignored or rejected by my parents I became what they wanted and the feeling I have now is that “I” fragmented across the universe somewhere; went into hiding and quickly formed a facade that helped me survive, but in the long-term was and is deeply painful and got the point until recently where I really believe my facade is me.
This is the truth for most of us in one form or another and so we grow into adulthood with roles. For men is could be provider; strong; capable; husband; lover ( who knows what he’s doing) or “DIY-er, for example. For women there are many roles: carer; mother; nurturer; helper; virgin; sexy; sister; friend; multi-tasker and these days we are often expected to be able to and expected to be all of them plus have a career. It is pretty exhausting. But which one or any of them is us, the real us?
We can’t find love, I haven’t found love because I haven’t found me, and I haven’t found love because I haven’t even understood love. When I watched that dating programme I saw clearly, what Jesus has been teaching, that most relationships are based on co-dependency and we think that is love. We think that someone who fulfils all our needs or more truthfully, the “holes” in us is someone who loves us and we love someone if we fulfil all their needs: it is an emotionally addictive bartering system.The trouble with having a list of wants is that we are often never satisfied and is based on someone or both people sacrificing themselves or parts of themselves.
I can look back on all my relationships and see in each one I became who they wanted me to be. I fitted into their life, rather than discover what I wanted and when their were times I started to seek something for myself the relationship would start to break down: the bartering system started to shatter. In this process, I compromised myself in so many ways: self-love, sexually, ethically and morally. Over time, my disappointments and hurts and pain got deeper and my demands to them got greater. I tried to have control over everything and I got angry and more in addiction. My fear and sadness got greater and the things I did and the things I wanted partners to do to stop me feeling my sadness and fear got darker.
Co-dependency is a sticky, thick, ugly thing. It is all about facade and it may feel “comfortable” or “safe” because it helps us avoid painful emotions, but is does not lead us to love. How can we be intimate when we are not being our true selves? We are being a lie and living a lie. I feel very sad about the lie I have lived for so long and because it has been lived for so long there is a lot of lies/facade to break down and a lot of unlovingness to myself and others to face.
So how to do we change it? How do I change it? For me, apart from a lot of self-reflection and increasing my longing to understand and know the truth I have also been trying to learn about love; the real truth about love – God’s truth about love. It isn’t easy and I find myself confused at times, fighting between old belief systems, the world’s belief systems, versus what Jesus and Mary are teaching. The facts are there though – look at the world – if we knew love, it would not be as it is. If we knew about love, we would not be so obsessed with our version of romantic love that seems to go wrong constantly. We are not being honest that we just don’t know. The fact is I think we just have to start again – look at the whole thing again.
Something else has hit me in recent years and listening to Divine Truth is the idea that I have a soulmate – THE other half of my soul: the perfect partner for me, created for me by God. Yep, despite free will, it seems that we don’t have a choice in who our soulmate is! That is pretty confronting if you compare it with the world’s view. We can of course reject our soulmate and try to defy what God created for us, but for me it is a fact I can’t ignore. I am not sure if I have accepted it 100%, but I do know that I can’t just look at any man anymore. As those of you who have followed my blog you will know I have suspicion who my soul mate is, but because of all my emotional injuries I really don’t know for sure and to be honest, not even sure how I could have attracted him into my life even temporarily. I have some deep emotions to heal around gender and sexuality and other things.
But, logically, it makes sense that to know the other half of me, I need to start knowing who I am. If I want to be intimate with my other half, I have to find that intimacy with myself: fearlessly and I have to start challenging my beliefs about love because they sure haven’t worked so far. The “love” I have known has been conditional and in God’s eyes that isn’t love. Jesus teaches, love is a gift: unconditionally and in my heart I don’t know that yet.
I have been reading a book called “Loveability: how to love and to be loved” by Robert Holden and he talks about our deep fear that we are unloveable and it has led to our obsession with falling in love. This obsession is about being loved rather than being loving, indicating that fear of unloveablity. He says we need to stop falling and start thinking what real love is. This is what Jesus has been saying for 2000 years – what is real love and indicating that real love is demonstrated constantly by God in so many ways in our lives.
In the book, unconditional love is summarised and is very similar to what Jesus teaches so I like what was written:
I think hearing that Love is a gift has been one of the most important things I have heard. It really made me think about my demands, my fears and truly how loving or not I have been over the years. From this point, I can ask myself: do I really love this person freely, without condition? Am I willing to gift my love without expectation or demand? Then if I feel any demand or expectation I know in that moment I am not loving them.
Also, do I really want to know them? Do I really want them to know me? Am I prepared to be vulnerable and open and humble to the errors and fears in me? This is intimacy – being prepared to be completely vulnerable and it scares the crap out of me and yet I am also curious. I have tried the other way and it has brought me much unhappiness, and suffering.
We need to be prepared to see the mountain of evidence that we know little about love and that’s okay. Just be honest about where we are at and build a desire to know the truth. When I was a child I had this feeling, among all the chaos around me, that if they just loved more things would be better: that love would be the answer. When we are kids we do know much more than the adults around us often. I grew up sadly, feeling my heart had been very badly battered and bruised – but it wasn’t and isn’t love that does that. It is not-love that does that. So to find love, to know love, we need to look at the not-love in the world: the not-love in ourselves, our false beliefs, our neediness, our fear, our grief.
We can’t change things we are lying about – because a lie isn’t a reality: it is a lie. Only the truth can create change, because it is truth and logically truth is real. For me, my personal truth is too impacted by emotional baggage at the moments so I look for a greater truth – a higher truth and only God has that. That is what makes God, God – she knows more than us – about love and about what is true. Jesus says to learn about love we have to learn about Love from someone who obviously knows more about love than us. Weirdly, we often try to learn from others around us who know as little or less than we do: we all scramble around in the dark together. So stop scrambling and look for someone who carries the torch. Only they can show us the way: the ones who carry the light: there are a few on earth, but a more guaranteed source in God. Praying for the faith to really know that in my heart – what a day that will be!
@2017 Maxine x
I haven’t written for a while as there are some changes happening and I am re-evaluating my blog – well my life actually. I have been taking some actions to help myself follow my desires, find work I love, find out more of who I am. I have been very busy and struggling at times with my 9-5, Monday to Friday job. Also, the last 15 months have been intense with things I have had to do for my son, who is an adult with Down’s syndrome. That story is a whole new post, but needless to say it has impacted life greatly and I have to look at my law of attraction and what it is really saying to me – not what I think it is saying.
I don’t find that easy, but the fact is I haven’t created much time to think about God or the Divine Truth teachings. I haven’t been able to help with the transcribing or watch many videos. What I have been doing is to keep challenging some comfort zones and have done a course to help me discover my desires and give me some tools for that. It has been really good. I have done some performance poetry, which I have loved and wrote to people I never would have done before. There has been fear and battles with apathy and/or addictions, but I keep finding a step to take and it feels good.
I am also connecting with people again and boy that brings you lots to learn about yourself, your fears, your addictions and your fears. Much more effective than hiding away – which I was doing for a few years.
I haven’t found time for everything and certainly still not spending enough time on things I love, and still emotionally resistance to feeling the deep stuff. I have discovered how important being present in my body is to feeling and realised how long I have been escaping out of my body to avoid feeling so now have some spinal work to see if that will help me unlock some emotions and of course I have to be willing.
I haven’t heard my guides for a while ( I don’t feel worthy a lot/resistance or in addiction, which prevents them helping me), but today I was sitting knitting ( a new hobby) and it stops me thinking and opens up another part of me and I started to write what I was “hearing” and got reminded that in all my busyness, my doing and trying, my intellectual working out of my issues, that I am still avoiding the big one: my relationship with God. Every time I have tried to do it, I stop as soon as I hit something, so my guides said that I need to prioritise above all else my relationship to God and all the things I am trying to and weighed down by will become clearer and easier. God’s love above all else will help me change my life. To feel my lack of faith, my blocks to God’s love are the biggest thing to focus on.
I have listened to this so many times from the DT talks, but like many, I keep going for the easier stuff ( or so it seems) as I don’t really know or have faith in the power of God’s love and I am afraid of it too. My guides gave me 4 pages of advice about this and then this is how it works. The law of attraction brought me a conversation with a friend, it triggered some emotions about men. I immediately went out for a walk, found a quiet country lane and stomped along swearing and ranting at God – so pissed at Him. I was rambling on like a mad woman until I actually ended up talking to my human father and crying about him and the feeling of never being good enough to be loved: touching the side of that deep fear that I am not lovable.
The funny thing is, I think of Divine Truth every day in some way and I wanted to write about the difference it has made in my life and I am not even on the Way yet, not properly. I haven’t opened to God’s love and I have lacked humility so many times. Yet, it has impacted my life hugely. What will it do when I really let God in?
So I thought I would write a list of how I feel Divine Truth teachings have helped me and changed my life already. For those of you who are curious maybe this will make you more curious. What I do want to do is acknowledge what it has done, with gratitude to Mary and Jesus (That’s me in 2013 – yellow top, just behind Mary and Jesus) for sharing what they know, with so much patience and compassion and for God, for creating such a system, that doesn’t let us get away with anything, but takes us to a place, a path, to our real, amazing selves. I am getting an inkling of me, a twinkling out of the corner of my eye, enough to make me look further. There are others such as Jesus and Mary, and the people like Aphraar ( see Robert James Lee trilogy on the extras page) who know more than me so do look there. In the meantime, here is what the DT teachings have done for me:
Many of these statements are just intellectual understandings for me at the moment, some are hopes that they may be true and a few have really hit home. When I first listened to Secrets of the Universe back in 2012 it really hit my soul that truth I had been seeking was here. I didn’t anticipate how much it would rock my world and uproot every belief and everything I thought I knew. Until recently, I built any self worth I had on my intellect and then to learn that my intellect meant so little and in fact I honestly had to admit my intellect alone had not found the answers or healing I was seeking. I have been and continue to be confronted with my own unlovingness, my own lies and self-delusion: in fact most of the things I have known have been shown to be wrong and boy do I resist the change, the challenge to my belief structures and hold onto fears and anger: anything to feel safe.
BUT I have not been happy in my so-called “safe” zones. I have been a shrivelled mask of my self, disconnected and disassociated from real love and life. With Divine truth I have seen things differently, experimented with new ways and admitted truths to myself and it has made me now think more carefully about my choices and my behaviour: asking what is really loving in this moment? What would Love do? What is God’s truth?
It turns out that God’s truth is that we are all very, very important; very, very loved and with a ton of potential to be amazing ten times over, once we choose to seek true Love. Divine truth has and is changing my life and this is with only small steps on my part. I observe others doing better on the path than me and so the changes in their lives are greater and for some reason I can never and do not want to let it go. There is nothing like these truths. This is not meant arrogantly: I have tried many other things and beliefs and nothing sparkles in my soul like this.
It has gifted me so much already and I don’t think I know it fully yet, but it has. My outlook on life has changed and now my actions are starting to follow in certain areas, at least. What we are seeking is already here. I hope in the next few years I can demonstrate more, and be walking my talk more than I am now. But whatever I do, you can choose to check it out for yourself and if you do I hope some of the things on these pages help you.
In gratitude,
Maxine
After a few weeks of resistance and rebellion and not feeling happy at all in that space and then spending a good amount of time in nature this weekend -swimming in the sea, walking on the moors, by rivers, where despite ranting at God, when faced with such beauty I can not help but be awestruck and challenged by the different perspective that beauty and the love of it’s creation/Creator confronts me with. I am still feeling bloody-minded (there are fears I don’t want to feel), but I came across these interviews from 2011, after a friend was interested in what I was telling her about the divine truth teaching and having not seen these all the way through before, found them really good and poignant for me to feel other things beside just my resistance. Just can’t deny these teachings or these two amazing souls!
In the first video Jesus and Mary talk about their identity, why they are back on earth, who God is, why we struggle with believing in God, soulmates, and a basic summary of what they teach and demonstrate. In the second video the subjects range from the Law of Compensation, forgiveness and repentance, non-violent resistance, why Hitler came about, 9/11 and earth changes. All really interesting stuff and a good introduction (along with Secrets of the Universe talks on the Divine Truth information page on this website) – if you want to get an overview of what I talk about regularly or are just curious about the fact Jesus and Mary are back on earth. They are interviewed by Geoff Whitehouse who says he has been an atheist for 20 years or so and been reading Richard Dawson and suchlike, but meeting Jesus and Mary has made him rethink…
PART 1
PART 2
Be open, enjoy.
Maxine
Hi everyone,
I am really excited to share an amazing video today made by Nicky Primetica, who has a website called http://www.divinetruthhub.com. Nicky has been experimenting with Divine Truth and God’s way of love for about 3 years and along with my friend Courtney and others were invited to participate in a Volunteer Programme over in Australia for about 9 weeks. The Volunteer Programme is based on God’s Way of Love. It is the Divine Truth teachings in action and may help you understand my enthusiasm for these teachings and the impact I believe they can have in the world if we follow them and the example of those who are walking The Way.
The video, also ties in very nicely, with the previous blog I published by Peter Lytton -Hitchins, about land recovery. God’s Way of Love, of course, includes caring for our environment and it’s creatures and this video shows some of the method’s being used by Jesus and others to improve, re-nourish and enliven the land, and to live in harmony with it.
For me personally, this video is also feeding my own desire to attend the Volunteer Induction Programme. My desire is growing every day and is even there in my sleep state. The induction programme is a little different to the Volunteer Training Programme in this video. The training programme is for those who have already shown a sincere desire to serve, where at the Induction Programme is a trial to see if you have a true desire to serve and a willingness to be humble and seek God. There is a specific criteria for attending that Mary has published so please read this first if you have an interest in the programme: https://mary.divinetruth.com/2017/02/07/volunteer-induction-programme/
The video is nearly 2 hours long, but it well worth watching and if you have been interested or trying to understand why I feel the Divine Truth teachings are the answer to the all our problems and can create long-lasting change, then this will give you a small taste.
Nicky has listed some useful websites in the comment box after the video if you want to know more.
Please enjoy and thank you so much for making the film Nicky…and to all those who took part in it. Wonderful stuff!
If there is any issue with the link – please go to youtube and put in the search bar “The Divine Truth Volunteer Training Programme.
with love
Maxine
I had a realisation in early November that I had spent a lot of my life in survival mode. In fact it has become a recognisable bed I was lying in, but not a very safe one. The last 3-4 years have been particularly bad and my external life had reflected that financially, in my home situation, physically via the cancer and emotionally just feeling numb and being okay about having so little.
Living in survival mode means you are always living in fear: fear of death, fear of destruction, fear that the few things you have in life will crumble away and you will fall into the abyss. That is how I have felt for as long as I can remember. This terrible fear led to becoming a control freak – trying to manage aspects of my life – money, relationships, day to day living, and my son – so as to feel “safe.” Living in the fear, but pretending to yourself you are not; “its okay you’ve got it all under control Maxine.”
But the fact is in all those aspects of my life, I may have controlled them or felt I did, but they weren’t natural or loving and none were being done very well. Control does not allow for love to flow and controlling addictively to avoid fear is unloving. Avoiding fear, living in fear is unloving, restrictive and self-denying as well as unloving to others as to avoid feeling vulnerable you try to control those around you, sometimes heavily disguised as “taking care” of them, but still controlling them.
Being in survival mode is really bad for your health too. When we are in flight or fright mode we produce adrenalin by the pint and all this adrenalin constantly pumping around our system isn’t good. In the end it creates a toxic environment and it is exhausting. Now that I have started to pay attention to my fear, I have become aware that daily I do so many things to avoid feeling unsafe physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I have become an expert in batting back, ducking, avoiding, distracting myself from feeling fear. In the process I have created a facade that is dull and hard and uncreative. I have lost more and more of myself.
However, compassionately, there are some deep causal events and emotions that started this whole survival mode. John Bradshaw, in his book Homecoming, says “a witness to violence is a victim to violence.” I had a father who was violent, a step father who was even more so both, physically and mentally to my mother. I sat on the stairs or behind my bedroom door many times listening to the shouting and violence going on near me. I even have a memory of standing in my cot and feeling this big dark red cloud coming into the room. It was rage – I think it was my father’s rage, at my mother, I don’t have the details, but I feel panicky and scared…and there is still much I haven’t remembered yet.
Then there is the other violence, of being shouted at, clipped round the ear, blamed and shamed in one way or another as my parents, unable to cope with their own emotions, sent them my way. The terror that comes when you think your mother has killed herself – again and again and again: all these things and so many more. I wish my experience was unusual, but it isn’t or am I minimizing it? As a small child, all these things shake you to the core and it has left me with the constant feeling that my world will end at any moment, that there is no solid foundation to exist from and at times no real love to be found.
When I hit the wall in November, my body aching from doing a job that was too demanding and pushing myself to the limits with it, and only months after major surgery and cancer and then coming home to live in a place I really don’t like, reduced down to living pretty much in one room with no space to get the things I love out – my art materials and writing materials and no money to buy new clothes when I need to or enjoy things I love, counting every penny and struggling to pay off some debts.
So I started to feel some emotions about it – yes mostly effect emotions – sadness, and some frustration, but mostly sadness, at the situation I was in, and created by my unhealed emotions, my choice to keep suppressing them. A painful realisation, but to be frank to feel something was a good thing and it created some small shifts in me, about what God wants for me and it not this – this small life.
In relation to this, for the last 2-3 of years I have also become aware that I have attracted a large group of spirits who do not want what is best for me, but only want to control my life, zap my energy and keep me small and at times completely destroy me. They have been with me for a good while I feel. By not feeling my emotions I allow that attraction to continue. It has been tough dealing with this. I feel them sitting on my shoulders, at times suffocating and crowded. It has kept me awake at night the last few months and I have felt I have no privacy whatsoever. Every time I try to take a step forward I feel they come for me. It has felt like a real battle for my soul. So I am in the process of feeling more truth about this, bit by bit.
I am letting myself feel that facade, I am returning to long-ignored passions that connect with my real self and I am doing a few things to come outside of my “comfort” zone/prison. They are a few small steps, but I am feeling a shift in some areas. I still have much to learn and feel and discover, but letting that control addiction go is tricky, but I really am beginning to dislike it. It doesn’t feel like me, just like a strange creature that has taken over. Plan A: to turn from rock to river!
I wanted to share this, to help those of you who may be doing the same as I have been. It is so important to be honest with ourselves, to look at our lives and see what it is showing us about our unhealed emotions, our self worth and our denial. We do have the power to change all this and we have much greater power to change all this if we include God in the process. Step one, for me, is working through blocks to receiving God’s love. (which would so help me soften to emotions).
The blocks I think I have identified about God are (constantly up for review!):
These realisations have created some changes. A week after my meltdown a new job came up and I got it and I am working in a more loving environment – though still having to watch my own self care in it, and with that my finances have improved and I am looking for somewhere new to live, and I am writing more and have joined something called solo autobiographical theatre which is triggering memories and emotions and pulling me out of a comfort zone and challenging me to do it despite fears that come up.
The Divine truth teachings are never far from my mind and heart. The God blocks are still there, but by listening to the videos by Jesus and Mary, I learn about God’s truth and re-educate myself about Love and Truth and error and as always nature is one of my greatest teachers about God and her Love. Also, books like the Robert James Lee trilogy (see the extras page) give such hope and wonder and curiosity to keep searching and investigating the truth about God, and Love and life. I am blessed to have this knowledge and experience at my fingertips and I do not want to walk away from it until I start to really walk it and keep walking it, with no turning back and no fear.
This year is about my moving out of survival mode, of really finding out what being me is about, what loving myself is really about: to move from the pretend love that feeding my addictions gives me and finding out what God’s love really feels like. To create a blunt analogy I feel I have been clinging to a pile of hard crap that I have convinced myself was a soft cushion: comfortable, but sticky and not allowing me to move much. Clinging because I felt there was this deep bottomless pit below, a drop into the unknown, to a point of meaninglessness and death, very related to childhood fears and flight/fright mode. Now it is time to let go of clinging to this crap, falling into the abyss…whatever it may. My feeling is instead of nothingness or danger , I will find God’s hands there ready to catch me and lift me up to greater heights, even with wings to fly – just has he planned. I can see even see that knowing smile…… Yes my child, here YOU are… here you truly are…
Oh goodness, now won’t that be wonderful…
Maxine
I don’t know what to say, but each assistance group get’s better and better. I have listened, but not acted on what I have listened to so far. Current events in my own life, my further suffering and pain, have caused me to confront more truth in myself, step by step and to really try to see that what I understand as love is mostly very wrong and extremely fear based. Fear has and is still my God, but watching these 2016 assistance group videos ( downloaded on divinetruth.com) are truly wonderful. I still have to do all the homework from them, and am just currently jotting down initial feelings and thoughts that arise. As Mary as done, asking myself questions – hopefully the right ones – in order to see truthfully where I am at and where I might like to be. Jesus is, as ever, direct, loving and truthful. This is great, great stuff – more than most of us realise and Mary’s own voice, via her blog, is honest, encouraging and heart-provoking. Go on… experiment… have a peek…
“I like Homeland, but I don’t think it’s as good as that other show, Previously on Homeland. That thing is action-packed.”—Amy Poehler at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards
I had so much fun binge watching the recordings of our first Assistance Group – Developing My Will to Love.
Just like when I’ve seriously watched TV programmes in the past (BSG – I mean you) I went through the full gamut of emotions while watching these groups – anticipation, sorrow, laughter, cringes and so on.
I called Jesus on numerous occasions to tell how amazing he was. I wrote down certain things he said verbatim because I want to print them on t-shirts (or maybe tattoo them on my forearm for life-long handy reference).
At various times I talked out loud to the TV screen.
And…
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An old blog of Mary’s from 2011 ..but a fabulous one.
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This holds SUCH TRUTH. Well worth a read.
A blog from 5 years ago and looking at Mary today she has learnt to surrender much more and is living proof of it’s power. It is something I have yet to do…
The whole world is afraid to feel in one way or another and it is my belief that that is where most of our problems begin…
We are afraid to feel shame, so we hide ourselves, we create barriers within. We harbour things we don’t want anyone else to see and through this process we become false, we loose connection with our true selves.
We are afraid to be different, ridiculed, so we suppress our true selves to fit in with the crowd and through that we limit change, not only in our selves but in our communities and society
We are afraid to just grieve and feel loss and devastation, so we justify unloving actions, like violence, to save or avenge a life.
We fear the afterlife and the end of relationships through death, so we go to extraordinary measures to cling to the physical body. Because we are…
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