FEAR

daily-bible-verse-devotion-fear-love

A couple of months ago I was stood on train station platform at a time that I was reflecting a lot on fear and its impact in my life and the impact of fear in the world. I was looking at the advertising boards and had an image of giant posters with just the word FEAR printed on them in giant letters and I knew that in that moment that would be enough to make people afraid. That’s how big fear is in our lives – just the word can cause an emotional reaction and trigger our fear.

Since I first started reflecting and attempting to feel fear in recent months, the corona virus has hit the planet and today when I was in the supermarket the fear was palpable, but more than that were the emotions that were present to avoid the fear: panic, judgement and anger.

The root meaning of the word crisis is opportunity which I find amazing and in many ways represents to me how God created everything: there is always an opportunity and a different choice to make, even in the darkest moments. It is the Law of Attraction in play, offering us a chance to choose to feel our emotions and discover the Truth!

Last week when I sat with my fear, triggered by numerous pieces of news and social media posts about the virus and let myself feel some I felt lots of fear wrapped up in the initial feeling: fear of death because I don’t want to die in my current soul condition; fear that I haven’t been able to make my mark on the world as me, the real me; fear I haven’t done enough, been enough and more. Then it suddenly became the fear that permeated my childhood: that my mother would die and would abandon me. Her suicide attempts, the time I sat by her bed trying to wake her, trying to save her. I didn’t fully feel it, but it was good to just let myself travel down the fear for a while, which is when I realised the gift in this virus and what it may be asking us to experience emotionally. In fact, I suspect that all the unfelt fear in us has created it.

I noticed a few posts, encouraging people not to watch too much news, not to feed the fear, in fact to “stay calm” and tune into things that take your mind off of it: some of these posts were by teachers and coaches that have a lot of influence. But this is the wrong advice – dont ignore your fear, just feel it, experience and like me you may be surprised what layers are unpeeled.

I think one of the things that is happening, is that people are confusing panic with fear. It’s taken me a while to understand the difference and when Mary said that panic is an addiction to help us avoid our fear (Divine Truth Assistance Group 2014) I really had to sit with that one – it messed with my head for a while.

Panic seems like fear because it can feel awful, it can make us hyperventilate and feel extremely anxious, our heart racing, as in a panic attack. It tends to make us jump around and is frantic and grabs a lot of attention from others around us and actually ‘infects’ groups of people.

Definition of panic (dictionary.com):

A sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals. (that is we act out in a way that helps us avoid fully feeling the fear)

Fear on the other hand is all encompassing and when you choose to feel it fully, you don’t think, you’re not able to run to the supermarket for toilet rolls: it has you in its grip, emotionally, in that moment. You can’t really function and at its extreme, when it is terror, you become almost blind and deaf and you shake uncontrollably. These extreme feelings of loss of control are what frighten us so much and often why we don’t want to feel fear. We have become afraid of fear itself.

The dictionary definitions of fear (dictionary.com):

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

It has been quite painful to see how much I have let fear lead my life; how much I have lived from fear; how many times I have made decisions from fear.  That is I have wanted to avoid the experience of feeling my fears so much that I have I have made choices in addiction and in survival mode a lot of time: flight, fright or freeze.

For example, I have moved so many times and at times told myself it was a new adventure and that I didn’t fit in. I felt unhappy so I have thought that moving would improve things, but I was running and wanting to avoid the underlying grief I felt and the fear that I was truly unlovable and unacceptable as a person. I have moved at such a pace and never given myself to really feel the truth – I wanted to avoid the pain.

I can often observe how fear impacts events in the world, but I am finding it harder to see the harm my fear has done to others around me. I am aware of some of the damage to my son, but I know I have a lot more truth to face in this area. We often play down the damage fear does. We are somewhat quicker to acknowledge the harm anger does (though even here we lack feeling the full truth of its damage) but with fear we justify it constantly: “I can’t do that, I am too afraid too,” and we often receive a lot of sympathy from others.

Many of Jesus talks include information and teaching about fear.

Some key points that Jesus said:

  • Fear is a False Expectation Appearing Real. It is an untruth.
  • Feeling fear will unlock other emotions
  • Fear always suppresses desire. I f you are not feeling your desires passionately, you must be afraid.
  • We can choose to feel fear. It is just an emotion and God created us to feel all emotions, including fear.
  • Fear rejects truth
  • Fear prevents you from being at one with God
  • Holding onto fear prevents truth from changing your life.
  • Truth and error on any one subject cannot exist in our soul at the same time so we need to release error: releasing error, including fear has to be done emotionally. It is not an intellectual process.
  • All fear is what causes physical pain and disease in some way.
  • Fear is about suppressing, denying and controlling the underlying emotions.
  • Fear is a life of constraint
  • If we act in fear there are penalties on our soul so it increases our pain and suffering.
  • Every time we are afraid for our children’s welfare we are no longer loving them – we’re controlling them. There is no love in fear.
  • If you are not feeling your fear, you are living in it.
  • Living in fear means you are surrounded by spirits who want you to remain afraid, often so that they can manipulate and control you. They surround and oppress a person in fear. Anything that is false can be manipulated. If you feel your fear fully you will no longer attract these spirits and you’ll start to feel you desires again.
  • Embrace your passions and desires, it will trigger your fear so that you can feel it and release it.
  • God is not afraid for you, not afraid of your choices and not afraid of what happens to you.

That last point is a big statement – it tells us a lot: how irrational our fear is, because if God is not worried for us then logically we must ultimately be safe. In the Divine Truth Assistance Groups of 2016 Jesus draws a vase or pot on the board, which represents the soul – the error in our soul we need to release. He asks the audience how much of that pot is fear and the response is that a large proportion of what we have to release is fear. But we are wrong and what is a large chunk for us is in reality just a slither in that pot. Most of what we have to release is the sin we have done in order to avoid feeling our error emotions, including of course fear. There was silence for a moment as the penny dropped. At home, watching online, I rewound the video and listened again.

Gosh we have made such a big deal of fear, we have raised it up into an insurmountable mountain when in reality it is a hill. We have justified holding onto it and living in it, growing it in our imaginations to avoid feeling our underlying grief, oppressing our hurt child. I can now see that is how I have lived most of my life – living in fear, making poor choices, not fully expressing my desires or pursuing my passions and in fact self-sabotaging and compromising myself hugely. I have not shared the gift of myself with others and have projected fear out into the world and become part of the problems fear creates: war, injustice, prejudice, anger, violence, neediness and narcissism.

I have dishonoured who God made me to be and hidden in the shadows. All this makes me feel very sad. In fear, I did not make the most of the opportunity I had in Australia last year at the Volunteer Selection Programme: choosing fear over truth.

It has become an addiction to live in fear and stay small. Well, I’m bored of that. There is a lot more to me, to all of us. Living in fear is like being in monochrome, when God made us to be in technicolour and I like colour, lots of it!

Maxine@2020

Talks on Fear on the Divine Truth YouTube Channel or Divine Truth FAQ YouTube Channel (Emotions and Feelings). There is so much information on fear – this is just some of the talks:

Earth Changes, Fear and Desire parts 1 and part 2:

Fear is Your Friend parts 1 and part 2 ( 2008)

Fear Revisted (2009) part 1, part 2, part 3.

The Human Soul: Processing Fear (2009) Parts 1 and part 2

Fear and Addiction (2012)

Facing My Fear of Emotion (2016)

DRIVING

cruella-deville-crazy-driving

(Image from 101 Dalmations – Cruella da Ville) 

I am taking more notice of my life these days and I have discovered that the truth is in the everyday things we do and how we live. For instance, driving: something most of us do most days.

I started to pay attention to what kind of driver I am and my emotional reactions to it and to other drivers. It told me quite a lot about myself and I don’t think I have discovered all of the truth its revealed yet or even assessed it all correctly, but I am attempting to.

Before the accident, I had started paying more attention my driving, because sometimes I am really shitty to other drivers: impatient, judgemental, critical, pushy, nasty even. A lot of these things are how I am with myself at times, but why am I like that with other drivers? Either way it’s very unloving.

So everytime I started to get angry, judgmental, condescending ( all parts of my facade)  even I started to ask why? What was going on under that? Being angry meant I wanted an addiction met. Wanting an addiction met meant I had a fear or other emotion I didn’t want to feel.

A few examples:

“Come on drive faster! Should you be out on the road? Do you need your eyes testing, you keep putting your brakes on?” 

ie you should drive the way I think you should drive! I want to be in control or I’m afraid you’ll cause a crash.

This happens when I am late for work or something else and there are a number of different emotions and layers of emotions going on, depending on the situation. I may be judging myself for being late or angry with myself or angry that I even have to be at the place I am meant too. Then under that I am afraid of what others may think of me or I may be “found out” in someway. I am often also avoiding some sadness and pain over areas of my life and how limited it is. The layers can go on, into my lack of self love or worth.

“Arsehole, you cut in front of me and it’s my fault!?” ( as a man makes rude sign and swears at me)

I don’t like the anger being projected at me, but rather than feel the fear and sadness, I project back at him. I deny how it really made me feel because I don’t want to feel powerless and terrified.

There are many other examples, but I hope you get the drift of it. Looking just at my driving is showing me how unloving I can be; how much my facade controls everything; how I want it that way because I am afraid and/or unwilling to feel the other emotions that I judge as weaker, or wrong or I am just so used to suppressing. I believe this to be normal and in fact observe it around me in so many others. I deny there is another way to be, push aside my hurt child and deny any chance of the real me being present.

But it has been so useful too of course. The truth of my unlovingness isn’t good to feel, but it is the truth and I find if the anger starts to come or it just happens, I catch it quicker, breathe and ask myself, “What’s really going on Maxine? What don’t you want to feel?” This sometimes lead to me feeling some of the fear or some sadness. Or sometimes I have a really good scream and rant in the car, but not at others.

So two main points here:

We have a choice: to be unloving or to love (ourselves, others, our environment)

Truth is revealed in the everyday things – what annoys us, irritates us, how we react to minor events, other people etc.

God doesn’t keep secrets – he’s telling us all the time: we just need to pay attention – desire to know, see, hear, feel. Have the courage to see the truth of our life: we can’t change what we deny, ignore, minimise or judge.

How do we know what is our facade?

facade self

We need to talk about our facade if we want to change: we need to understand why we have it, want it and feel about it to change and we can’t have a relationship with God in our facade. God wants a relationship with the real us.

Today, I was talking to someone about our facades and how ingrained it is: how convinced we are that it is us and so live in a lot of denial that we live in this facade at all and hate it being confronted because we want it so much. In fact, in our current society we are even encouraged to live in facade: through social media, celebrity, vanity, work, families and we constantly judge anyone who does not fit our version of “the norm.” We are constantly projected at to not be ourselves and we do the same to others. The older we get the more ingrained our facade gets so it can seem like an almost impossible task to crack through this tough shell. It isn’t easy and Jesus describes the deconstruction of the facade as the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

A blog I wrote 2014 was about this cracking of that shell: https://thetruthofitall.co.uk/category/the-three-selves/ . When I read it now I can actually see that I was in a lot of facade writing it. I had had some intellectual realisation, but not a soul-based emotional realisation and hence here I am still in facade most of the time… I am clear evidence that without emotionally feeling about my facade, why I have it and the sin in having it, nothing really changes.

I don’t think in 2014 I really understood the depth of my facade or my fears about letting it go; my addiction to it and its addictions. I am still learning, but I am now trying to pay more attention to it and this involves a lot of cringing; a lot saying to myself “Maxine, you’re in facade, what are afraid of feeling; what are your avoiding?” or not paying attention and staying in facade for whatever reason i.e.  I want something from my environment/ am willing to barter myself for this.  

I thought it would help if I share what helps me and some information that really gives me no excuse for not knowing when I am in facade.

In 2014 Jesus and Mary ran their second assistance group which contained essential information for anyone wanting to know how to progress, including information on understanding the three parts of ourselves that currently exist: the real self (the undamaged self God created), the hurt self (created by your environment and yourself) and the facade self (created by your environment and yourself to avoid the other two selves). Jesus had talked about this material before, but these talks brought together previous information in a very clear and direct way. Part of the reason was many people had been listening to Divine Truth for years by then (it was 2 years for me at the time, but of course it’s 7 years for me now) and showing no progress, because they had not understood or more likely not wanted to know that they were in facade and why that is such a big problem. I recommend listening to these talks as many times as you need to.

But also on the website Jesus published an outline for each talk and I have printed off the “Understanding Self: Introduction” because it summaries why we are stagnant and don’t develop our real selves and gives a fairly comprehensive list of adjectives about each self and I use this list to help me identify when I am in facade.  For more detail, please refer to the links below this post.

But just to give you an idea, this is what Jesus says and it taken directly from his outline on www.divinetruth.com:

My real emotional self:

  • Is sensitive, aware, perceptive and insightful
  • Is expressive, animated, communicative, open and unrestrained
  • Is honest, truthful, sincere, frank, candid, blunt and transparent
  • Is adventurous, courageous, daring, bold, creative, brave and audacious
  • Is curious, inquisitive, questioning, probing, searching and enquiring
  • Is emotional, feeling and sensing
  • Can develop to become wise, intelligent, clever, gifted and logical
  • Can develop to become sensible, practical, responsible, accountable, dependable and rational
  • Can develop to become loving, caring, kind, gentle, considerate and compassionate

[Beautiful hey?]

My hurt emotional self:

  • Is pained, hurt, aggrieved, wounded, injured, upset, and distressed
  • Is timid, nervous, shy, fearful, hesitant, apprehensive, cautious and concerned
  • Is fragmented, disjointed, uneven, suppressed, dormant, undeveloped, concealed, embryonic
  • Is humiliated, shamed, embarrassed, disgraced, unfavoured, and self-conscious
  • Is rejected, discarded, unwanted, and unneeded by others
  • Is angry, rebellious, self-absorbed, self-centred, and lacks awareness of surroundings

Now wait for this one – it’s quite a list and when you start to feel your facade it’s going to feel pretty yucky and you can see why it’s not good. Do you recognise yourself?

My façade emotional self:

  • Loves addiction, compulsion, obsession, urges, cravings, fixation and mania
  • Loves bullying, force, harassment, oppression, repression, coercion and manipulation
  • Loves abuse, cruelty, nastiness, meanness, brutality, viciousness and unkindness
  • Loves resistance, conflict, confrontation, disagreement, quarrel and squabbling
  • Loves arrogance, condescension, superiority, conceit, disdain, pride and egotism
  • Is insensitive, unaware, lacks perception or insight
  • Is un-expressive or false in its expression, pretending and made up
  • Is unanimated or false in its animation, lethargic or forced vibrancy
  • Is closed, reserved, controlled, forced, guarded and untrusting
  • Is dishonest, untruthful, insincere, lacks frankness, opaque and is not candid
  • Is prying, interfering, snooping, nosy, meddling, intrusive, invasive and pushy
  • Is unemotional or falsely emotional, unfeeling, unwise, dumb, stupid, and illogical
  • Is fixed, immovable, predetermined and rigid
  • Is apathetic, lazy, disinterested, uninvolved, bored and unconcerned
  • Is unwise, imprudent, thoughtless, irrational, reckless, irresponsible and careless
  • Is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centred, narcissistic and vain

So there you go, it’s a great list and very helpful. Now don’t be, as I have done, hard on myself about it (that’s your facade and an addiction anyway) – just be honest and if you want to understand more see the links below.

Hope it helps and thank you to Jesus and Mary for such great information. . I am a beginner in really starting to understand this so please refer to the experts, so to speak – those who have deconstructed much of their facade (walked the walk)  and know the benefits of doing so, including understanding in their hearts God’s truth on this subject.

There is further information on the creation of the facade in the 2016 Assistant Group: Developing my loving self.

Maxine

I want to do it MY way, not God’s way!

tantrum child

I just watched a film called ‘Run the Race’ (it’s on YouTube) and the last lines in it were “You can either run from God or to God and for a long time I was running from God, but I tell you, turn around and embrace Him because He’s just there right behind you and He loves you like crazy.”

And there it is my message from God, one of the many that come my way every day since I got back from Australia, regardless of how I have felt – and I have hit some really low points, God has never stopped sending me messages or signs. Many would say that is just my interpretation and maybe it is, but too many synchronicities, too many drops in the ocean of my anger, despair and shame have stood out.

Returning to England after the Volunteer Selection Programme I felt initially relieved to back in the familiar. But within a few days I knew I was angry – angry that I hadn’t received the approval; the validation that I was okay really; the reassurance that Jesus and Mary understood my sin – the reasons why I had done these things; the excuses I have used and the pain I have felt: He got that I was messed up and I was a bit of mess, but “it wasn’t that all that bad really.” I wanted to know that they was as convinced of my good girl facade as I was. I had thought that my “trying” was enough – after all this has been my lifelong go-to – the use of my will power and intellect.

But God is not conned and is certainly no fool and those that are growing in God’s Way of Love are not fooled either. I couldn’t fool them: they saw me, they saw my injuries, they saw me “trying.” They did see the good too and I stayed beyond the first week because I was so happy to be there, and willing at that point to hear a bit of truth. But by the second week of the VSP I was in a panic, I got overwhelmed and didn’t even recognise it because as soon as that happened I fell into my desire to “manage” it, manage my feelings, and get them under control again. When I was asked a question, instead of saying the truth, I tried to say the answer I thought they wanted and I didn’t listen: my fear muffled my ears. I didn’t want to speak or hear the truth – it hadn’t worked in the past and even though I was there for the truth, when it came I didn’t like it because it exposed all the unloving things I was doing to avoid my pain. Now I could have gone wow, I know what the problem is now and be humble to feel the emotions, but I didn’t. I wanted to hide from my ‘good girl’ facade being confronted, no matter that was what I was there for.

woman-carnival-mask-in-venice

I felt huge shame and still do feel shame that I was told I was very needy and to be blunt that has made me an emotional vampire and open to those that will either reassure me I am not or those that will use my neediness to use and abuse me: something that has happened many times already. I couldn’t emotionally feel the sin of my neediness or the position it has put me in my life. Many of my friends and family see me as a strong person: I am strong in controlling my emotions, in presenting a face to the world, that hides the fear and shame that I am inherently flawed and worthless and I am angry about the things that happened to me and I have held onto this anger, but with a smile or seriousness presented to the world. With gritted teeth, “I’m not angry and I am not terrified – I am a good girl and I will become whoever you want me to be just so that I am not hurt, judged, attacked or rejected.” ( Hasn’t worked, by the way)

So for the first two months back home, I went into an angry state and then a depression because I wasn’t feeling it. I felt unwell, exhausted, numb, foggy, de-motivated and hopeless. I hid away in my cave, spacing out on TV and food. Then I got afraid about what was happening to me and a book fell from my shelf and a few other things – it felt like God was saying “I haven’t given up on you, don’t you give up on you either.”

So I listened to the feedback I received a couple of times and I felt the compassion and kindness in it and I recognised intellectually at least everything that was being said was right, painful as it may be, it is right.

Then I remembered the love, compassion and tenderness in the feedback.

Then I remembered that the truth was told to me so that I can change it.

Then remembered that whilst I was there I felt like I was experiencing real love for the first time in my life and it felt beautiful and different and I was curious to know more.

Then I remembered that I got to experience this new way to live, what it is like to be around people who are always truthful and that it is actually far less exhausting (even when it freaked me out).

Then I remembered all the moments, the special moments when I got to hear some of their future plans, when I got to share with friends, laugh, wonder, talk – all of us with a common interest

Then I remembered that I can no longer look at the green, rolling hills of Devon in the same way without seeing the decimation of the land from agriculture and wonder how God really made it before we stomped over it without due care or responsibility.

Then I remembered that when Jesus gave me a farewell hug I got to feel the beautiful, powerful, softness in his soul. I think I said to a friend can you receive a rainbow in a hug? I think I did. It’s there because so much of God’s Love is in his soul…. and he’s telling us we can be that.

Then I remembered that I had met other brothers and sisters, and that somehow we had all got there, that there was something in our soul wanting this – a seed that needs watering (and soil that needs a lot of weeding).

Then I remembered that I was experiencing and hearing things that very few have heard yet and what I do with this matters, not just to me, but to everyone.

So many memories and feelings about that 3 months I can’t name it all: so much magic and in such a magnificent place in the world.

I would love to say I was ready to return, because as I come out from my sulk I want to be there again and again and make much more of the opportunities I was given, but I know I have emotional work to do first. Tristan, Eloise, Jesus and Mary said they want to experience the real me and they meant that sincerely. I was confused by that, if I am honest, because I don’t know who she is. When I am alone is maybe the only time I let her pop her head up –where it’s “safe.”

Basically, I have got to walk my walk and stop just talking about it and I know I need to soften. My facade is rigid and hard and wants to hang on tight. So I have started doing things to understand why I want my facade so much and what I think I gain in this state, what I am covering up, what I am ashamed of, what I am avoiding wanting to feel. I know I have to deconstruct my facade so I am just going to try anything and everything for a while.

That film that I mentioned at the beginning was one of the things that “popped up” unexpectedly and of course the main character has an issue with God – he’s angry about the things that have happened to him and he can’t pray because of it. He’s really pissed at God….

I’m not sure why God thought that would be good for me to watch 😉

But seriously, I love these ‘synchronicities.’ They happen all the time and are an indication of how much help we have. I would love to be ready to do the next VSP and wish I could re-do week two with what I have now realised about my behaviour that week, as I had such a huge opportunity to change something right there, with the gift of loving, honest people around me who would longed for me to be truthful because they care.

I feel more positive right now (today) and like the idea that God loves me like crazy. It must be crazy love to be so incredibly patient with me.

A bull in a China shop

Jesus said that when our facade is confronted, as mine was, it is the time many walk away from God’s Way and Divine Truth. I’m not walking away, but I’m having trouble letting go and really getting started, but I have decided it is better to clatter my way experimenting with different things and it might look a bit like a bull in a china shop, (if fact an angry bull might be a good description!) but it’s better than doing nothing. Then one day I can look back at this post and go .. oh boy there’s my facade, and there and there and there… thank goodness those days are over – what was I holding on for?

THOUGHTS ON LOVE

love-is-a-gift

We live in a world where we say “there are plenty more fish in the sea;” where we console ourselves over lost love by imagining another person is out there and that our perfect mate is our choice. We just have to find the “right” one and often these days we have a list of requirements: tall, slim, happy, positive, makes me laugh, kindness, takes care of me, nice eyes, long legs, large breasts, intelligent, sexy, a good cook and so the list goes on.

In the process of looking for a good match, we make mistakes and kiss many “frogs” before we find out prince or princess. This is the same whether straight or gay. We keep looking for that other half to fulfil our lives, that person who will make us happy and whom we can share our lives with and yet we don’t want to admit there is maybe just one other half. The truth is we are told there is not just one special person, that there are many who we could match with and we just look for that best match. A few people believe in finding “The One”, but are often mocked about this. Our ideas about love and relationships is very confused and contradictory.

In the western world, at least, our ears are constantly filled with songs of broken hearts and lost love. The other side of the coin is the number of programmes about dating, finding dates, and even weddings. We are certainly looking, but in fact many of us are pretty confused about the whole thing. I recently watched a few episodes of a programme in the in the UK called First Dates. I felt it was a bit of escapism, but I also think inside I am also trying to work out this love/relationship stuff, just like the rest of you. Before the dates they ask the participants what they are looking for and in so many people I notice the first things people list are physical, even down the type of teeth, the next most common thing is “fun,” “make me laugh” and “be positive and happy.” ( to me this indicates how afraid we are of each other’s sadness) .For women the other frequent request is be a gentleman and be big/strong;  keep me safe and take care of me. There is very little mentioned about personality, qualities, ethics, morals, or much of any real depth. It may possibly be there, but they don’t say it.

Between the lines there is a lot of disappointment, confusion and hurt about love and relationships as well as a huge amount of fears about not being loved and accepted and safe. I too have these emotions, but what I have realised lately is that I have never felt truly seen or loved for myself. I always had this feeling that any mistake I made I would be punished and rejected. My belief is that to be loved I had to be perfect.

Then it hit me that the other side of this was that I had never allowed myself to be truly seen and that I didn’t even love or know myself so how could expect anyone else to love the real me. I learnt early on in my childhood, like many of us, that to receive “love” I had to become the person that was acceptable to my parents and other adults around me. I had to be “good girl” or “helper” or “servant” or any other role that fitted their beliefs about me. I don’t remember my mother ever asking what dreams I had or what I would like to be. I just remember if I showed an emotion she didn’t like or expressed something she didn’t understand or want to hear or was too busy to listen too I was shut down, screamed at or ignored. So to not get punished or yelled at or ignored or rejected by my parents I became what they wanted and the feeling I have now is that “I” fragmented across the universe somewhere; went into hiding and quickly formed a strong facade that helped me survive, but in the long-term was and is deeply painful and until I came across Divine Truth thought my facade was me. Now I want to sitting on the fence and afraid of letting that version go.

This is the truth for most of us in one form or another and so we grow into adulthood with roles. For men is could be provider; strong; capable; husband; lover ( who knows what he’s doing)  or “DIY-er, for example. For women there are  many roles: carer; mother; nurturer; helper; virgin; sexy; sister; friend; multi-tasker and these days we are often expected to be able to and expected to be all of them plus have a career. It is pretty exhausting. But which one or any of them is us, the real us?

We can’t find love, I haven’t found love because I haven’t found me, and I haven’t found love because I haven’t even understood love. When I watched that dating programme I saw clearly, what Jesus has been teaching, that most relationships are based on co-dependency and what we think love is. We think that someone who fulfils all our needs or more truthfully, the emotional “holes” in us is someone who loves us and we love someone if we fulfil all their needs: it is an emotionally addictive bartering system.The trouble with having a list of wants is that we are often never satisfied and is based on someone or both people sacrificing themselves or parts of themselves. Addictions are insatiable remember.

I can look back on all my relationships and see in each one I became who they wanted me to be. I fitted into their life, rather than discover what I wanted and when their were times I started to seek something for myself the relationship would start to break down: the bartering system started to shatter. In this process, I compromised myself in so many ways: self-love, sexually, ethically and morally. Over time, my disappointments and  hurts and pain got deeper and my demands to them got greater. I tried to have control over what I could and I got angry and more in addiction. My fear and sadness got greater and the things I did and the things I wanted partners to do to stop me feeling my sadness and fear got darker.

Co-dependency is a sticky, thick, ugly thing. It is all about facade and it may feel “comfortable” or “safe” because it helps us avoid painful emotions, but is does not lead us to love. How can we be intimate when we are not being our true selves? We are being a lie and living a lie.

Something else has hit me in recent years and listening to Divine Truth is the idea that I have a soulmate – THE other half of my soul: the perfect partner for me, created for me by God. Yep, despite free will, it seems that we don’t have a choice in who our soulmate is! That is pretty confronting if you compare it with the world’s view. We can of course reject our soulmate and try to defy what God created for us, but for me it is a fact I can’t ignore.

But, logically, it makes sense that to know the other half of me, I need to start knowing who I am. If I want to be intimate with my other half, I have to find that intimacy with myself: fearlessly and I have to start challenging my beliefs about love because they sure haven’t worked so far.  The “love” I have known has been conditional and in God’s eyes that isn’t love. Jesus teaches, love is a gift: unconditionally and in my heart I don’t know that yet.

I have been reading a book called “Loveability: how to love and to be loved” by Robert Holden and he talks about our deep fear that we are unloveable and it has led to our obsession with falling in love. This obsession is about being loved rather than being loving, indicating that fear of unloveablity. He says we need to stop falling and start thinking what real love is. This is what Jesus has been saying for 2000 years – what is real love and indicating that real love is demonstrated constantly by God in so many ways in our lives.

In the book, unconditional love is summarised and is very similar to what Jesus teaches so I like what was written:

  • “Love is not an act… not an audition.”  Jesus says that love and truth go hand in hand so you can not love or be loved if you are in facade.
  • “Love is not  a bargain.. it is not a currency you buy things with…Love does not make deals. Love does not say, ‘I will give you love, but first you must give me something else.”
  • “Love is not idolatry… when you don’t feel equal you give yourself away and take on a role.. they block intimacy. They conceal dishonesty.” It opens us up to harm too.
  • “Love is not special…. such as, “I’ve been saving all my love for you.” You are making someone into your “holy cow,”  Robert Holden says, and use them to “milk as much love as possible.”
  • “Love is not selfish..Love is full of desire. You are intent on knowing the whole person… drop the mask and stop hiding. ”

So how to do we change?

  • Grow a desire to know the truth about yourself, Love, emotions, relationships, sexuality, gender, soulmates.
  • Educate ourselves of what real Love is, from people who know more about it than we do.
  • Face the truth about our facade and addictions in relationships
  • Be willing to awaken to the sin and damage the facade does.
  • Be willing to feel all your emotions, positive and negative, all of the time ( humlity – develop humility)
  • Be willing to let go of all your thought you knew about yourself, relationships and Love.
  • Go to the source of Real Love and Truth: God.(probably the quickest way.

Here are some Divine Truth resources if your are interested:

  1. Divine Truth FAQ: Partnership relationships
  2. Soulmate relationships Part 1 & Part 2
  3. Some of the talks in this series on human relationships

There are so many talks on this subject on the website and you can go to the Divine Truth YouTube Channel and if you subscribe can search the topic and see what comes up.

@2017 Maxine x

BADGER CULLING: HOW DO YOU FEEL?

badgers

This post is a bit different from my normal posts, but it is still about love. This time it is about my love for animals and specifically a protected species that is being mindlessly killed by the thousands here in the UK: Badgers. I have decided I want to stop the badger culling that is happening.

Then lately, I have the feeling I want to atone for the sin of eating meat, which I did until I was about 35. This is not a judgement on those that do, but just how I feel within myself. The badger culling has upset me since I first heard about it and I signed a petition, but now I am wanting to do more if I can so I hope I can contribute some awareness to start with.

The reason for badger culling, so the government say, is to reduce the incidence of bovine TB, which has devastating effects on the farming industry and their families. (Of course if we didn’t eat meat or dairy this wouldn’t even be an issue as farming would be plant-based).

Here are the facts:  (source the Badger Action Network and Wildlife Trust)

  • This year 19,274 badgers were culled ( and this doesn’t include the number in West Somerset or West Gloucestershire)
  • Next year 33,841 are targeted
  • A scientific study was done between 1998 and 2006 where Lord Krebs concluded, ” badger culling can make no meaningful contribution to cattle TB control in Britain” and “Culling is not a viable policy option.”
  • The primary cause of the spreading of Bovine TB has been shown to be cattle to cattle.
  • In fact, Bovine TB exists in the countryside and has been found in everything from soil, earthworms, cats, sheep pigs and more.
  • Badgers were protected by the Protection of Badger Act in 1992 and the Convention on Conservation of European Wildlife and Natural Habitats because they are a crucial part of an ecosystem. When one badger is killed the number of foxes doubled.
  • The badger cull has no support from the British Veterinary Association, the public or any wildlife charities.
  • There is  no evidence that culling has changed the level of bovine TB. In fact prolonged culling has been shown to increase bovine TB levels because it affects badger behaviour and the location of badger setts.
  • Badger Culling is more expensive than vaccination. Between 2012-14 £16.8 million was spent on the culling of 2,476 badgers which works out at £6785 per badger. Vaccinations cost £293 per badger
  • Most scientists and wildlife experts believe that vaccination is more effective as it does not  disrupt badger behaviour.
  • More research also needs to be done on biosecurity to prevent cattle to cattle spreading of the disease.
  • Here is a short film by some leading wildlife experts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhojkHMyaJg

So it all seems very clear and we can take actions: sign petitions, join local groups and write to MPs and much of that has been done. In fact, there has been a huge public outcry about this so why isn’t it changing? Why are the government ignoring experts and its voters and continuing with this illogical and awful killing?

I believe it is the same reasons, people still eat meat. We have become hugely disassociated from our emotions about animals and nature in general. We look upon our survival as dependent on us and our actions. We don’t accept emotionally simple facts, such as without trees, we won’t have oxygen; without flies, we would have piles of bodily waste products sitting on the planet. We don’t FEEL how much we need nature and in fact because of our development how we are the custodians of this planet and all the creatures in it as well as, that possibly this beautiful place is ours to enjoy without the need to destroy it or the any living being who lives here with us. We still have very arrogant and maybe have religious justifications for “lording it over” animals, thinking we have a right to their meat, to their reproduction. Therefore, we don’t feel all our fears that underlie this: our fears about our own survival, for instance.

In the video, one expert stated he understood the farmers angry emotions about the impact of bovine TB on their lives and that because of this they wanted someone to pay, but that wasn’t logical. How awful, that it is now the badgers that are paying for the fact that farmers feel helpless, don’t want to feel helpless and want something to make them feel better: so let’s kill badgers and despite the evidence to the contrary. To be a farmer, you must have to become emotionally detached from animals and their suffering to varying degrees, whether it is sending them for the slaughter; putting newborn calves in tiny pens the same day as ripping from their mothers; killing hundreds of thousands of male chicks or forcing cows to produce gallons of milk time and time again after forcibly inseminating them.

But none of us are innocent in this. We demand dairy products, we love our cheese, we want our steaks and we want someone else to provide it for us, to kill the animal for us, to take the baby calf away so that we can drink it’s milk. We want that. So despite the fact than many of us are up in arms about badger culling, and we want animals to be recognised as sentient beings we actually are hypocritical every time we put on our leather shoes, or cut into our Christmas turkey. We won’t look at our real emotions – the un-lovingness in each of us that allows these things to occur and asks another person, a farmer to kill on our behalf.

We can not change things we are lying about. We can only change things when we face the truth, emotionally, of what is  happening. If you really want to stop this awful culling, you can take some peaceful actions, but you can also ask yourself about how you really feel about animals. Watch things that will trigger emotions, such films as “Earthlings,” and don’t cover your eyes or press pause. Face the truth, feel it. If thinking was the answer all the scientific evidence would have changed things. It hasn’t. For some reason the culling is continuing so this means we are not recognising something we need to.

To not eat meat again I have had an emotional shift, over time that deepens over time. There are many who become vegan for lots of reasons and it is currently quite fashionable, but if the shift isn’t in your heart you will feel “tempted” to eat meat again, you will find it difficult or you will become anaemic because of your fears around plant-based diets.

We need to do the same for all our treatment of animals. Stop disconnecting, face the truth and chose Love. We ignore what is staring us in the face because it is not convenient, it challenges our “comfortable” lives and addictions. Ironically, that is the  point, to change everything, we have to challenge and question all the ways we are doing things and seek the loving solution and the real truth. We will make mistakes, but the seeking of the truth is a very good first step. It is the that step which created this blog in the first place: an experiment, a searching and seeking for change.

I want to save the badgers. I want to learn what love is. But other times I am still very angry, in pain, wanting addictions and presenting a face to the world that isn’t me. But I would rather try than do nothing and make mistakes. As Roosevelt said:

“The best thing to do is the right thing. The next best thing to do is the wrong thing. The worst thing to do is nothing.”

Prayers for the badgers and all the beautiful creatures that share this world with me.

@2017 Maxine Bell