This poem came to me today as I heard the traffic returning now lockdown is easing. I was sitting in my garden( here in the UK) where I was looking at the beautiful plants and the bees, birds and other insects doing their wonderful thing…
Spider (Neoscona adiantum) on bramble leaf
“They’ve turned the volume back up again,”
said the Blackbird to his mate.
“Yes, they’re out again,”
Said the Blue Tit on the gate.
“Well it was nice while it lasted,”
Said the Spider on a leaf.
“We’re creeping around again,” said Beetle,
“Hiding in the dark, like a thief.”
“Owl said, he thought, it seemed too good
to last,” sung the Thrush.
“Yeh, I’m feeling pretty down,” said Snail,
“I don’t know – what’s their rush?”
“Then they have to pump that stuff,” said Fox,
“That really gets in my throat.”
“Yes, they’ve killed so many of my family,”
cried Hedghog, “despite our armoured coat.”
Worm popped up; “They only think of themselves ”
“It’s me, me, me,” Ant squeaked.
“Selfish b…..,”
called Cricket as he leaped.
“I’d hoped they’d realised all the pain they’d caused,”
said Badger, “all the damage that they’d done.”
“Blind and stupid, they are,” screamed Crow,
“Sometimes I wished I had the gun.”
ROE DEER CALF
“What and be like them?” Owl screeched,
“With their poisons and their violence?”
“Oh goodness, it was so lovely,” Deer whispered,
“The peace and the silence.”
“Trouble is they think they’re greater than us,”
chirped Sparrow, “we’ve no value in their eyes.”
“Ha! They’d be knee deep in their own crap
without US!” said the Flies.
“So what do we do?” asked the Bullfinch,
“This can’t go on again for long?”
“Nothing. Just be ourselves as always,” said the Stoat,
“It’s them that’s done wrong.”
“Mother Nature will have the final say,”
said the Starlings all as one.
“Infact, when you think of it,” said the Blue Jay,
I have mostly enjoyed lockdown. It is like I needed permission to slow down and have had time to reflect and take some actions and connect with some new people who have similar interests to me.
A lot of it has stemmed from my curiosity to try something new and to learn something new or dig deeper into things I think I know, but don’t. I have been reflecting what a good quality this is to have and develop and wondered where it could take me and could I use this quality to help in my soul growth – to break down some walls in my blocks to feeling all of my emotions and God?
But in a discussion with some fellow coaches about curiosity someone mentioned the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” and it sounds so contrary to what I felt so I looked it up, though the other thing that popped into my head was the 1980s pop group!
Oh there is some memories looking at that picture – yes I am old enough to remember them. I think I liked the drummer and the lead singer still wears that hat now!
But I digress… curiosity…
On phrases.org.uk is says that the meaning of “curiosity killed the cat” was that inquisitiveness can lead one into dangerous places. Then on the same website it explains the origins (stay with me – I love language and words!):
The ‘killed the cat’ proverb originated as ‘care killed the cat’ back in 1598 in a play. By ‘care’ the coiner of the expression meant ‘worry/sorrow’ rather than our more usual contemporary ‘look after/provide for’ meaning.
But now is used to stop people asking too many questions!
It continues,
Curiosity hasn’t received a good press over the centuries. Saint Augustine wrote in Confessions, AD 397, that, in the aeons before creating heaven and earth, God “fashioned hell for the inquisitive”. John Clarke, in Paroemiologia, 1639 suggested that “He that pryeth into every cloud may be struck with a thunderbolt”. In Don Juan, Lord Byron called curiosity “that low vice”. That bad opinion, and the fact that cats are notoriously inquisitive, led to the source of their demise being changed from ‘care’ to ‘curiosity’.
That brings up some childhood emotions as we were told all the time, “children should be seen and not heard” and at church, I was pulled aside “Thou shall not question the Lord, thy God” when I put my hand up yet again. My answer to that was to wonder why God had given me a brain. I think I stopped going to church a couple of months later.
What a sad thing to squash curiosity and yet over history we have, particularly those in power to ‘control the masses’ and the same thing happens in families, as it did in mine. Either parents/grandparents demand the child act only in a way that doesn’t upset the adults, meets their expectations of a ‘good’ child and/or just don’t have the patience to answer the millions of questions that pour forth from young children with their natural inquisitiveness and curiosity. There I said – it’s natural. We were born with it. It’s how we learn. It’s how God helps us discover more about the world we live in, ourselves and each other.
It’s a dreadful thing to suppress that natural curiosity and it may start at home, but it also, ironically, continues through our education system and so buy the time we have hit adolescene or younger we have lost most it.
But curiosity is just one of the many beautiful qualities God gave us that we are born with and can develop over our lifetime.
Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, says that she has a tremendous amount of fear, but that she has just 1% more curiosity and it is this that carries her through, helps her take actions and live a creative life. She also points out the wonder of just that 1% – just enough to tip the scales on her fear.
There is lot out there on curiosity – books, talks and hundreds of quotes. Einstein said, “ I have no special talent. I am just passionately curious.”
Below is a short TedX talk called “Curiosity Saved the Cat” and she says some great things about curiosity and gives some famous examples if you are interested.
These are some of the qualities in curiosity I’ve found:
A willingness to look under the stone, no matter how daunting
Openness
Playfulness
Adventure
Willing to investigate
Ability to really listen without needing to reply
Creativity
Fascination
I see it like a dance, that you don’t know all the steps to, but you are willing to just try out some movements, move across the floor, see how it feels, but continue to want to discover where else this dance will take you and how.
But what I am really concluding at the moment is that I have mostly felt emotionally and spiritually stuck for a long time now. My resistance to emotions is so strong, but so painful too. However, lately what I have found is that my curiosity is helping me and things are popping up and I am saying yes to them and seeing what happens. In fact, I have always had this quality and it has led me to learn lots of things, ask lots of questions, but also to take a different path home or when I move to a new town I go wondering and just turn down roads to see where they lead.
During lockdown I have discovered new country and river walks, new butterflies and plants. I have recorded birdsong, curious to know which sound is which bird (still figuring that one out), foraged some plants and tried out soups and salads with them.
It could be just one thing that may start you on the yellow brick road…
So what I am feeling is that God gave us all at least one quality that will lead us out of the marshlands and mud of our pain, resistance and sin. For some it may be a strong desire for truth, for some a desire to love, for some courage, or humility or a desire to learn. The list is much longer than I am capable of understanding right now, but whatever quality it is that God has given you and there is probably more than one, but there may be one quality that is just a bit stronger than the rest; one that you can work with, develop to help you progress. It may be that for most of your life you have held back with it because of what others may think or fear, but don’t – your future happiness depends on your seeking, of growing these positive qualities in us.
We may convince ourselves in our dark moments, fear or narcissism that we are the one hopeless case, as I have done many times, but it cannot be true. The truth is God wants us to be happy, to love and be loved. The evidence for this is that God’s Laws are constantly calling us home, constantly trying to correct our unlovingness and help us heal our error and we if pay attention it is very obvious, so logically it cannot be impossible for anyone.
So get curious – what do you have in you that can start your journey? Or move you forward from wherever you are? Stop hiding the light within that is still there, always has been. It’s the flame that just needs fanning…
As a reminder and encouragement to myself I created a chart, which you saw a rough draft of in my vlog a few weeks ago. I have now transfered that information to a PDF, which I am sharing in case of any you might find it useful.
I have discovered another elephant in the room lately: lack of humility. I want to write more about that and addictions in the future, but in the meantime made this, which I have pinned on a window I face every day.
The information is all from Divine Truth seminars on YouTube and the side text boxes are all quotes from Jesus and Mary from talks on denial, addiction and fear in 2012 in the USA. I found creating this actually a lovely thing to do especially as you see the contrast between the top of the chart to the bottom: from unlovingness to lovingness; from spiritual blindness to spiritual sight; from complete lack of self knowledge to self knowledge and self-love (including the other half of our soul) and from no relationship with God to a relationship with God, our true parent.
Thank you to Mary and Jesus for sharing this beautiful process with us all.
I am finding doors in me opening at the moment from my desire to know the real me, the epiphany of what I was trying to skip over (addictions) and my conversations with God. Being on my own in this lockdown status we are in, I find myself chatting to God and I want to. I am not sure all of it is interesting and sometimes I just mumble away about day to day stuff, or involve Her in the moments when I am laughing at something silly I may have done or said ( apparently I find myself quite funny at times!) and other times it is a deeper discussion and prayer.
I think I mentioned in the vlog I made, that what has echoed in my heart since I was in Australia with the Gods Way team, was their desire to know and be with the real Maxine, not the armour coated, fearful facade I live in; not the “good girl” facade or any other faces I wear to not feel exposed (in case I am all bad), judged, humiliated, attacked or disliked.
Of course, if we live in facade we cannot have a real relationship because no one gets the real us: this blocks intimacy and real love, the chance to attract our soulmate. This is also particularly true in our relationship with God. One of God’s attributes is Truth and a facade is a lie – a false self full of addictions, oppressing and suppressing the hurt child and our real self.
So I came back with a curiosity for my Self, which of course though I never thought of it at the time, a challenge to my facade.
I started off my search for me by looking at some old photos of myself as a child, digging into memories of what I was like; what I felt; where my imagination took me; what I loved to do. It was about recalling other things beside the more traumatic or upsetting things. I have a lot of blanks anyway, but it was good to tune into other memories, though some of them had sadness attached too. I am aware that our facades get created at a very young age often by our parent’s lack of acceptance of the real us, their expectations and also to protect ourselves, so this is not a perfect system, but it was a few steps into places in me I had not been for 40 years.
A few dots were joined and some consistent passions of mine: nature and outdoors, writing, learning, words and language, performance, dance and singing, even logic. I still have this curiosity about people, life, the world, spirituality, the extra-ordinary. I even remember some spirits I used to see and talk with: good and bad…the mediumship is still here now. A lot of this, has lied dormant for much of my life through fear, lack of confidence and worth, a kind of social anxiety/imposter syndrome and other injuries. It’s like holding your breath: living in facade – a lack of oxygen and movement, a painful shrinking you don’t even know is happening.
I have dealt with these negative feeling by continuing the shame and blaming of my childhood: in an almost endless cycle of self-judgement, perfectionism, and self harm which has become an addiction in itself. Mary talks about this in many different seminars and on her blog. It feels easier to bash yourself before others do; easier to judge yourself rather than feel the pain of what your parents truly felt about you and how you were treated.
I have improved in this area, but it is a snake so you have to watch it, it sneaks in in the blink of an eye. But I found something really helpful two months ago: something I have heard before, from Jesus, but this time it hit my heart – we need to see ourselves though God’s eyes. Now previously, I interpreted that at looking at all my sin – and doing so is very painful, but what I have been doing is judging myself, falling into that addiction and blocking the actual emotions I need to feel. In fact, that is what the addiction is all about of course – avoidance of the truth and the experience of the emotions you really need to feel.
However, Jesus said ( it was one of the seminars in Greece 2012) that God sees our sin of course and wants us to correct it, but God also sees the pristine real self She created: her child each one of us as we are meant to be with all the potential to be much more of ourselves too.
God is compassionate and firm about our sin, but he is also clear about loving us and wanting us to know our real selves as He does.
So there it was: God sees the real me – now! Not in the future ( though I’m sure He has visions of all my potential futures), but now and that is what I needed to see: myself as God’s see me. I am guessing that my curiosity and seeking for the real me opened the door to hear this vital, beautiful piece of information with my heart this time and I got really excited. I still am.
This week I started to list my addictions and I am only up to number 54 at the moment and the lockdown is challenging some of them already and I know this addiction stuff is going to be harder than I even realise right now, but through all that I have to embrace the full truth of what God’s sees.
I have a lot of sadness of who I have become, but I now have an anticipation of who I really am. I am not my injuries. Jesus uses the analogy of mud: yes, I have a lot of mud stuck to me and it’s up to me to get it off, but by engaging God in the process, by acknowledging God’s full vision of me, I am in a more honest place.
In there is still that loving, gentle, blunt, curious, interested, creative, playful, cheeky child and there is so much more to find. Who am I? Who can I become? What are my true passions? What are the gifts God gave me to share with the world? To contribute?What life will I lead as the real me?
And let’s not forget, I am only one half of my soul: God sees my whole soul and when I know myself, I will have a much greater chance of recognising my soulmate. I have a much greater chance of being in the two most important relationships of my life: firstly, with God and secondly my soul mate. For a long time I have had little real interest in either, but then I have had no interest in myself.
I know I have a mountain to climb, and God wants to help if I let him , but looking at myself with a fuller vision as God does shines a light on that mountain. It would be wrong to even try to be on God’s way without wanting to find the real me and that is Love.
To end, I remembered there is a really fun, but relevant song from Disney’s Prince of Egypt, called Through Heaven’s Eyes. I have uploaded the video from YouTube for you and I will put the lyrics below as it is great to sing (and dance) to. It is interesting as the lyrics about being the thread of a tapestry tie in with my creation story analogy: The Great Seamstress ( 20170122 blog).
It is a song full of life, truth and celebration. Enjoy
M x
Lyrics: Through Heaven’s Eyes
A single thread in a tapestry Though its color brightly shine Can never see its purpose In the pattern of the grand design And the stone that sits on the very top Of the mountain’s mighty face Does it think it’s more important Than the stones that form the base?
So how can you see what your life is worth Or where your value lies? You can never see through the eyes of man You must look at your life Look at your life through Heaven’s eyes
A lake of gold in the desert sand Is less than a cool fresh spring And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy Is greater than the richest king If a man lose ev’rything he owns Has he truly lost his worth? Or is it the beginning Of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man? In wealth or strength or size? In how much he gained or how much he gave? The answer will come The answer will come to him who tries To look at his life through Heaven’s eyes
And that’s why we share all we have with you Though there’s little to be found When all you’ve got is nothing There’s a lot to go around No life can escape being blown about By the winds of change and chance And though you never know all the steps You must learn to join the dance You must learn to join the dance
Today’s blog is different because it is a vlog! My first attempt and you will see that I do not have much in the way of technology and am on a steep learning curve. My laptop is now 10 years old bless her so the camera is not as sharp as it could be, but she is still going.
It’s a bit longer than I planned and to be honest I don’t know how to edit yet or have the software available. Besides, I wanted to just let it come out as it came out and you’ll see why when/if you watch it.
It is on my YouTube channel – currently just called Maxine Bell as it has a few other bits on there at the moment that I have done in the last few months, and the links to the seminars I refer to in the vlog are in the description section. If you make it to the end – well done!
A couple of months ago I was stood on train station platform at a time that I was reflecting a lot on fear and its impact in my life and the impact of fear in the world. I was looking at the advertising boards and had an image of giant posters with just the word FEAR printed on them in giant letters and I knew that in that moment that would be enough to make people afraid. That’s how big fear is in our lives – just the word can cause an emotional reaction and trigger our fear.
Since I first started reflecting and attempting to feel fear in recent months, the corona virus has hit the planet and today when I was in the supermarket the fear was palpable, but more than that were the emotions that were present to avoid the fear: panic, judgement and anger.
The root meaning of the word crisis is opportunity which I find amazing and in many ways represents to me how God created everything: there is always an opportunity and a different choice to make, even in the darkest moments. It is the Law of Attraction in play, offering us a chance to choose to feel our emotions and discover the Truth!
Last week when I sat with my fear, triggered by numerous pieces of news and social media posts about the virus and let myself feel some I felt lots of fear wrapped up in the initial feeling: fear of death because I don’t want to die in my current soul condition; fear that I haven’t been able to make my mark on the world as me, the real me; fear I haven’t done enough, been enough and more. Then it suddenly became the fear that permeated my childhood: that my mother would die and would abandon me. Her suicide attempts, the time I sat by her bed trying to wake her, trying to save her. I didn’t fully feel it, but it was good to just let myself travel down the fear for a while, which is when I realised the gift in this virus and what it may be asking us to experience emotionally. In fact, I suspect that all the unfelt fear in us has created it.
I noticed a few posts, encouraging people not to watch too much news, not to feed the fear, in fact to “stay calm” and tune into things that take your mind off of it: some of these posts were by teachers and coaches that have a lot of influence. But this is the wrong advice – dont ignore your fear, just feel it, experience and like me you may be surprised what layers are unpeeled.
I think one of the things that is happening, is that people are confusing panic with fear. It’s taken me a while to understand the difference and when Mary said that panic is an addiction to help us avoid our fear (Divine Truth Assistance Group 2014) I really had to sit with that one – it messed with my head for a while.
Panic seems like fear because it can feel awful, it can make us hyperventilate and feel extremely anxious, our heart racing, as in a panic attack. It tends to make us jump around and is frantic and grabs a lot of attention from others around us and actually ‘infects’ groups of people.
Definition of panic (dictionary.com):
A sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals. (that is we act out in a way that helps us avoid fully feeling the fear)
Fear on the other hand is all encompassing and when you choose to feel it fully, you don’t think, you’re not able to run to the supermarket for toilet rolls: it has you in its grip, emotionally, in that moment. You can’t really function and at its extreme, when it is terror, you become almost blind and deaf and you shake uncontrollably. These extreme feelings of loss of control are what frighten us so much and often why we don’t want to feel fear. We have become afraid of fear itself.
The dictionary definitions of fear (dictionary.com):
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
I have done a lot of personal reflection on fear in recent months and a few weeks ago it came out in long verse in my journal. I have recorded it as an audio file:
It has been quite painful to see how much I have let fear lead my life; how much I have lived from fear; how many times I have made decisions from fear. That is I have wanted to avoid the experience of feeling my fears so much that I have I have made choices in addiction and in survival mode a lot of time: flight, fright or freeze.
For example, I have moved so many times and at times told myself it was a new adventure and that I didn’t fit in. I felt unhappy so I have thought that moving would improve things, but I was running and wanting to avoid the underlying grief I felt and the fear that I was truly unlovable and unacceptable as a person. I have moved at such a pace and never given myself to really feel the truth – I wanted to avoid the pain. I learnt this in my childhood, but sadly I have continued the pattern and added it too it.
I can often observe how fear impacts events in the world, but I am finding it harder to see the harm my fear has done to others around me. I am aware of some of the damage to my son, but I know I have a lot more truth to face in this area. We often play down the damage fear does. We are somewhat quicker to acknowledge the harm anger does (though even here we lack feeling the full truth of its damage) but with fear we justify it constantly: “I can’t do that, I am too afraid too,” and we often receive a lot of sympathy from others.
Many of Jesus talks include information and teaching about fear, which indicates the importance of this emotion if we don’t feel it and what can change if we do. Some talks have fear in the title, but you will also find it covered in talks about emotions, truth and other topics so I can’t list them all, but I have put a few links at the end of this post.
Some key points that Jesus said:
Fear is a False Expectation Appearing Real. It is an untruth.
Feeling fear will unlock other emotions
Fear always suppresses desire. I f you are not feeling your desires passionately, you must be afraid.
We can choose to feel fear. It is just an emotion and God created us to feel all emotions, including fear.
Fear rejects truth
Fear prevents you from being at one with God
Holding onto fear prevents truth from changing your life.
Truth and error on any one subject cannot exist in our soul at the same time so we need to release error: releasing error, including fear has to be done emotionally. It is not an intellectual process.
All fear is what causes physical pain and disease in some way.
Fear is about suppressing, denying and controlling the underlying emotions.
Fear is a life of constraint
If we act in fear there are penalties on our soul so it increases our pain and suffering.
Every time we are afraid for our children’s welfare we are no longer loving them – we’re controlling them. There is no love in fear.
If you are not feeling your fear, you are living in it.
Living in fear means you are surrounded by spirits who want you to remain afraid, often so that they can manipulate and control you. They surround and oppress a person in fear. Anything that is false can be manipulated. If you feel your fear fully you will no longer attract these spirits and you’ll start to feel you desires again.
Embrace your passions and desires, it will trigger your fear so that you can feel it and release it.
God is not afraid for you, not afraid of your choices and not afraid of what happens to you.
That last point is a big statement – it tells us a lot: our irrational our fear is, because if God is not worried for us then logically we must ultimately be safe. In the Divine Truth Assistance Groups of 2016 Jesus draws a vase or pot on the board, which represents the soul – the error in our soul we need to release. He asks the audience how much of that pot is fear and the response is that a large proportion of what we have to release is fear. But we are wrong and what is a large chunk for us is in reality just a slither in that pot. Most of what we have to release is the sin we have done in order to avoid feeling our error emotions, including of course fear. There was silence for a moment as the penny dropped. At home, watching online, I rewound the video and listened again.
Gosh we have made such a big deal of fear, we have raised it up into an insurmountable mountain when in reality it is a hill. We have justified holding onto it and living in it, growing it in our imaginations to avoid feeling our underlying grief, oppressing our hurt child. I can now see that is how I have lived most of my life – living in fear, making poor choices, not fully expressing my desires or pursuing my passions and in fact self-sabotaging and compromising myself hugely. I have not shared the gift of myself with others and have projected fear out into the world and become part of the problems fear creates: war, injustice, prejudice, anger, violence, neediness and narcissism.
I have dishonoured who God made me to be and hidden in the shadows. All this makes me feel very sad. In fear, I did not make the most of the opportunity I had in Australia last year at the Volunteer Selection Programme: choosing fear over truth.
I have felt like giving up a number of times, which is giving into fear and it’s time to stop that – it has become an addiction to live in fear and stay small. Well, I’m bored of that and I have been experimenting with my desires, looking back at little Maxine and her personality and I beginning to see and like some of it. There is a lot more to me, to all of us. Living in fear is like being in monochrome, when God made us to be in technicolour and I like colour, lots of colour!
Maxine@2020
Talks on Fear on the Divine Truth YouTube Channel or Divine Truth FAQ YouTube Channel. There is so much information on fear – this is just some of the talks:
Earth Changes, Fear and Desire parts 1 and 2:
Fear is Your Friend parts 1 and 2 ( 2008)
Fear Revisted (2009)
The Human Soul: Processing Fear (2009) Parts 1 and 2
