Volunteer Selection Project: Week 1, April 2019

I am currently in Australia on the Volunteer Selection Programme and the post below my introduction is written by Eloisa who is one of the Directors of Godsway Ltd who explains clearly what the ‘VSP’ is about.

I made it through week 1, but I have to work on some beliefs, attitudes and emotions that I have that are very out of harmony with Love and Truth currently and during week 2 so it is uncertain if I get to the end yet.

However, I can honestly say this is the best thing I have ever done in my life!  The gifts I have received:

  • Experiencing what real love is and does. (Huge, huge gift)
  • Discovering how different that is from my and the worlds version of ‘love’ – ie meeting addictions/bartering/co-dependency
  • Having real experiences of living God’s Way and what that entails (what real loving service is about) and what the effects are (very good!!)
  • Observing and feeling what it is like to be with people who sincerely want to Love, live truthfully and want to be themselves, rather than be in facade.
  • Receiving feedback and guidance from people who really want to know the real me and still care for me “warts and all,” but won’t meet my addictions and want me to experience real happiness and share my gifts.
  • Discovering what my main issue is in regards to my personal progress.
  • That I don’t know who I really am and that’s okay.
  • Learning more about how I feel about sin and how I justify it to “get what I want.”
  • Discovering and learning more about the environment and environmental recovery and how essential it is to put God and God’s principles back in the picture for lasting change. (I will write more on  why that is another day)
  • God’s Way is simple, not always easy, but simple, clear,  and consistent.
  • That I wasn’t deluding myself that I am a truth-seeker.
  • That I have been deluding myself that I am my facade and that this is not a sin.
  • Oh and experiencing new nature, creatures and plants!
  • There have been many other little gifts too..

Enjoy reading more below…..

God's Way

The third Volunteer Selection Project commenced on the 8th April 2019.

Background information

The Volunteer Selection Programme was the idea & design of  Jesus (Alan John Miller) and Mary Magdalene (Mary Luck) (the mentors of the programme). Jesus and Mary created the structure of the programme and have worked closely with the facilitators, Tristan Miller and Eloisa Lytton-Hitchins to come up with a variety of activities to rapidly assess the attitudes, desires, intentions and motivations of individuals who desire to volunteer for Divine Truth and God’s Way Ltd organisations.

The programme is a trial or a test period designed to identify permanent, passionate and desirous individuals who specifically desire to give to Divine Truth and/or God’s Way organisations. The duration of the programme is 14 contact days over five weeks.

The programme is like a job interview (with practical activities) to assess participants desire to give gifts to the world…

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THE SEEKER

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I am a seeker of God –

outside religion.

I am a seeker of God,

after seeking answers –

in many corners

Of my mind.

In many places –

different ‘answers:’

that didn’t give answers

to the questions

I asked.

 

I am a seeker of God –

outside religion.

I tried religion.

But it taught me

I was nothing, but sinner.

I have sinned.

But not from the start!

It taught me

I needed a saviour,

who wasn’t myself.

So I could get away with murder

because He wiped my slate clean,

every time.

 

I am a seeker of God –

but not of religion.

Religion’s God

Is angry and wrathful,

Like parents.

Religion told me,

Love and wrath

could exist side by side:

From God.

A God of Love?

Who favours?

And kills?

No logic.

In religion.

 

I am a seeker of God –

outside mysticism,

or magical

instantaneous transformations.

Pretty plasters over deep wounds

are all appearance.

Chakra clearing,

Fire burning the past.

It doesn’t work.

Just a game I played

for a while,

in my seeking.

No answers there.

No logic:

New age.

 

I am a seeker of God –

outside of ‘beliefs.’

I didn’t know it was God

I was seeking.

It was Truth

and where was Love?

It turns out that

Truth

Has a lot to do

with God.

Not ‘my’ truth,

not ‘yours:’

Absolute Truth.

It turns out that

Truth and Love

hold hands

in the heart

of God.

 

I am a seeker of God –

outside religion.

And it’s funny,

ironic, maybe

that Jesus

is back.

Helping me to

seek and find

God,

with new eyes.

A God far better

than religion

ever taught.

 

And this is Jesus –

outside of religion.

No Saviour;

No Three in One.

(what does that mean?)

He’s just a man:

A son of God,

as I am daughter.

The first man

to learn God’s True Way.

Just like,

Armstrong

was the first man on the moon.

 

So I am a seeker –

outside of religion,

who is finally

finding her answers,

to the millions of questions

in her heart.

I am seeking

and finding.

I am knocking

and the door is opening.

And it’s better

than I ever imagined.

It’s ALL Love:

NO anger in God.

It’s all Truth:

no mysticism in God.

 

You may think in my seeking

I have not found.

Or what I have said

is crazy.

But unless you ask,

you will not receive.

Unless you seek,

you will not find.

Unless you knock,

the door will not be opened.

Logic:

To find you must seek.

 

The arms of God

are broad and wide,

and there is room

for all.

The heart of God

is big enough

to contain all Universes: all life.

Yet He seeks

each individual…

You.

And you, and you…

and me.

 

A God  of awe

and wonder;

of Grace

and Mercy;

of logic and science.

A God

of creativity and intelligence.

A teacher;

a mother;

a father.

Who dreams BIG for us.

The potentials of

Divine Love and Divine Truth

received from God

are infinite and beautiful –

far beyond anything 

we currently dream. 

 

I am still seeking,

to know more;

to feel more.

I have a way to go.

But it doesn’t matter

how far I have to go.

It matters

how far I desire to go.

God feels my desire

and he’s preparing a feast –

for me!

“Father, I’m coming.

It might take me a while.

But Father, I’m coming…

Home.”

BEING HERE – ASSISTANCE GROUP 2019: UNDERSTANDING SIN AND ITS CAUSES

j and mary 2016 AG

I have just finished the most wonderful week in Australia attending the Divine Truth Assistance Groups: Understanding Sin and its causes. It’s so different actually being here, than, just watching the videos: the love and compassion from Jesus and Mary hits your soul and the teaching we received was incredible and I feel I have some tools to work with and am ‘joining the dots’ on a number of things.

One of the key things that I know I have to surrender to and allow, if I am to progress in any way, is feeling emotions and stop blaming the amount of sin I have committed on my childhood. Just to clarify, Sin is the existence of will or desire in disharmony with God’s Love and Principles (sin of commission) , or the absence of will and desire in harmony with God’s Love and Principles  (sin of omission) , whether the will or desire is acted upon or not.

I am not saying that my upbringing had no effect on my decisions and choices: it did. I learnt like all of us false ideas about Love, Truth, Emotions and many other things. We were often forced in someway to agree with our parents and society on many issues. However, as adults we do not have to live with our parents and have the chance to investigate, question and experiment with all these false beliefs and to make different and better choices.

The actual sin we commit is the intention we had, in God’s eyes, not the sinful actions. The actions compound the sin, but it is the motivation to sin that matters: that is the act that works against God’s Laws and Principles. The good news is, find,feel and release the motivation to sin and you will find that you will automatically stop a number of sinful acts and behaviours.

We learn to have faith in the physical world only, in the institutions of family, religion, education, health, media, business, government and country. If we challenge that corrupt faith (Jesus explains this more fully in the talks) we are often attacked, humiliated, belittled, or ostracised. It takes real courage and conviction to do this and some do do it: they choose to love, instead of sin; they choose truth instead of lies, fear and facade; they choose to have humility and pure faith and take loving actions. The wonderful thing is if we change our corrupt faith, because it has governance over morals and values, it will help change those automatically.

God loves us and helps s much as She is able to, but still allowing our free will. Sin creates nothing but pain and suffering. God wants us to give us an education in Love and show us how to have lasting happiness and joy. But, I am not going to try to explain all the details and Jesus and Mary do a much better job and the videos will come on line in time.  But just thought I’d give you a taster…

As I mentioned, one of the key areas for me is developing humility and allowing myself to really feel my emotions. To do that I am looking and feeling my corrupt faith in this area and whilst have doing this ( not complete yet) I came up with an analogy that made sense to me and explained my own insanity in not accepting God’s truth about my soul, which is that it is designed to feel and release emotions, not hold onto them. It is what allows a good energy flow and expansion of our soul, which in turn improves the condition of our spiritual and physical bodies and of course our life and relationships. We receive more truth this way too. Holding on to our emotions damages and degrades our soul, impacts and damages our spiritual and physical bodies and our life and relationships. See the next post.. Shore of Sin 

Maxine

The Difference Divine Truth Has Made To My Life

I haven’t written for a while as there are some changes happening and I am re-evaluating my blog – well my life actually. I have been taking some actions to help myself follow my desires, find work I love, find out more of who I am. I have been very busy and struggling at times with my 9-5, Monday to Friday job. Also, the last 15 months have been intense with things I have had to do for my son, who is an adult with Down’s syndrome. That story is a whole new post, but needless to say it has impacted life greatly and I have to look at my law of attraction and what it is really saying to me – not what I think it is saying.

I don’t find that easy, but the fact is I haven’t created much time to think about God or the Divine Truth teachings. I haven’t been able to help with the transcribing or watch many videos. What I have been doing is to keep challenging some comfort zones and have done a course to help me discover my desires and give me some tools for that. It has been really good. I have done some performance poetry, which I have loved and wrote to people I never would have done before. There has been fear and battles with apathy and/or addictions, but I keep finding a step to take and it feels good.

I am also connecting with people again and boy that brings you lots to learn about yourself, your fears, your addictions and your fears. Much more effective than hiding away – which I was doing for a few years.

I haven’t found time for everything and certainly still not spending enough time on things I love, and still emotionally resistance to feeling the deep stuff. I have discovered how important being present in my body is to feeling and realised how long I have been escaping out of  my body to avoid feeling so now have some spinal work to see if that will help me unlock some emotions and of course I have to be willing.

I haven’t heard my guides for a while ( I don’t feel worthy a lot/resistance or in addiction, which prevents them helping me), but today I was sitting knitting ( a new hobby) and it stops me thinking  and opens up another part of me and I started to write what I was “hearing” and got reminded that in all my busyness, my doing and trying, my intellectual working out of my issues, that I am still avoiding the big one: my relationship with God. Every time I have tried to do it, I stop as soon as I hit something, so my guides said that I need to prioritise above all else my relationship to God and all the things I am trying to and weighed down by will become clearer and easier. God’s love above all else will help me change my life. To feel my lack of faith, my blocks to God’s love are the biggest thing to focus on.

I have listened to this so many times from the DT talks, but like many, I keep going for the easier stuff ( or so it seems) as I don’t really know or have faith in the power of God’s love and I am afraid of it too. My guides gave me 4 pages of advice about this and then this is how it works. The law of attraction brought me a conversation with a friend, it triggered some emotions about men. I immediately went out for a walk, found a quiet country lane and stomped along swearing and ranting at God – so pissed at Him. I was rambling on like a mad woman until I actually ended up talking to my human father and crying about him and the feeling of never being good enough to be loved: touching the side of that deep fear that I am not lovable.

The funny thing is, I think of Divine Truth every day in some way and I wanted to write about the difference it has made in my life and I am not even on the Way yet, not properly. I haven’t opened to God’s love and I have lacked humility so many times. Yet, it has impacted my life hugely. What will it do when I really let God in?

Mary and Jesus visit 2012

So I thought I would write a list of how I feel Divine Truth teachings have helped me and changed my life already.   For those of you who are curious maybe this will make you more curious. What I do want to do is acknowledge what it has done, with gratitude to Mary and Jesus (That’s me in 2013 – yellow top, just behind Mary and Jesus) for sharing what they know, with so much patience and compassion and for God, for creating such a system, that doesn’t let us get away with anything, but takes us to a place, a path, to our real, amazing selves. I am getting an inkling of me, a twinkling out of the corner of my eye, enough to make me look further. There are others such as Jesus and Mary, and the people like Aphraar ( see Robert James Lee trilogy on the extras page) who know more than me so do look there. In the meantime, here is what the DT teachings have done for me:

  • Understand that I have a soul, a spirit body and physical body and that I am a soul and how that works
  • That I am created to be emotional and that my soul is the power, not my mind.
  • Some understanding of how the universe works, who God is and His Laws
  • The difference between God’s love and truth and human understanding of love and how little we/I know of real love.
  • To start to see the truth of my life and my soul condition, my emotional injuries and the sin ( things out of harmony with love) in me.
  • How my suppressed emotions impact the world negatively
  • How fear has been my God for a long time
  • That God is interested in me, the real me, the “pinnacle of his creation.” and not the facade me
  • That I matter.
  • That there are absolute Truths
  • Information and understanding of the spirit world and spirits.
  • Understanding of spirit influence in my life and how I can change that.
  • That what I think and what I feel can be very different and it is always the emotions in me that guide my life
  • Some understanding of soulmates – that God designed a perfect mate for me and why I we currently don’t know that because of our emotional injuries.
  • That I have spent much of my life in a facade, which has grown as I have grown, due to my fears and addictions to avoid my emotions
  • To have compassion with  myself
  • That following my desires and passions is important. That my unique gifts make a difference to my soul and to everyone else around me.
  • That there is a difference between natural human love and God’s love and they create two different ways of healing and growing and the potential of the second is far greater.
  • That all the information I have learnt ( as above) has given me hope and empowered me. I had thought that life was meaningless, empty, but that it isn’t and that my younger feelings that Love guided everything is true and that I if I grow faith in this and God’s love for me, everything in my life can change.
  • I am becoming a better person because I can examine and feel more truthfully about when I am sinning. I have stopped denying I have these ugly emotions in me.
  • My desire to experience these emotions (without harming anyone) will set me free. I have the choice.
  • To seek for my real self, to seek beyond what I thought I knew.
  • To be truthful and that love and truth hold hands and one can’t exist without the other.
  • Without knowing some of the Divine Truth teachings I would not have coped with the cancer as well; I would not have understood it’s root and causes, I would not have found a reason to keep living.

Many of these statements are just intellectual understandings for me at the moment, some are hopes that they may be true and a few have really hit home. When I first listened to Secrets of the Universe back in 2012 it really hit my soul that truth I had been seeking was here. I didn’t anticipate how much it would rock my world and uproot every belief and everything I thought I knew. Until recently, I built any self worth I had on my intellect and then to learn that my intellect meant so little and in fact I honestly had to admit my intellect alone had not found the answers or healing I was seeking. I have been and continue to be confronted with my own unlovingness, my own lies and self-delusion: in fact most of the things I have known have been shown to be wrong and boy do I resist the change, the challenge to my belief structures and hold onto fears and anger:  anything to feel safe.

BUT I have not been happy in my so-called “safe” zones. I have been a shrivelled mask of my self, disconnected and disassociated from real love and life. With Divine truth I have seen things differently, experimented with new ways and admitted truths to myself and it has made me now think more carefully about my choices and my behaviour: asking what is really loving in this moment? What would Love do? What is God’s truth?

It turns out that God’s truth is that we are all very, very important; very, very loved and with a ton of potential to be amazing ten times over, once we choose to seek true Love. Divine truth has and is changing my life and this is with only small steps on my part. I observe others doing better on the path than me and so the changes in their lives are greater and for some reason I can never and do not want to let it go. There is nothing like these truths. This is not meant arrogantly: I have tried many other things and beliefs and nothing sparkles in my soul like this.

It has gifted me so much already and I don’t think I know it fully yet, but it has. My outlook on life has changed and now my actions are starting to follow in certain areas, at least. What we are seeking is already here. I hope in the next few years I can demonstrate more, and be walking my talk more than I am now. But whatever I do, you can choose to check it out for yourself and if you do I hope some of the things on these pages help you.

In gratitude,

Maxine

 

Jesus promise

 

 

 

Said Better Than I Can and One of The Greatest Gifts I Can Give You…

After a few weeks of resistance and rebellion and not feeling happy at all in that space and then spending a good amount of time in nature this weekend -swimming in the sea, walking on the moors, by rivers, where despite ranting at God, when faced with such beauty I can not help but be awestruck and challenged by the different perspective that beauty and the love of it’s creation/Creator confronts me with. I am still feeling bloody-minded (there are fears I don’t want to feel), but I came across these interviews from 2011, after a friend was interested in what I was telling her about the divine truth teaching and having not seen these all the way through before, found them really good and poignant for me to feel other things beside just my resistance. Just can’t deny these teachings or these two amazing souls!

In the first video Jesus and Mary talk about their identity, why they are back on earth, who God is, why we struggle with believing in God, soulmates, and a basic summary of what they teach and demonstrate. In the second video the subjects range from the Law of Compensation, forgiveness and repentance, non-violent resistance, why Hitler came about, 9/11 and earth changes. All really interesting stuff and a good introduction (along with Secrets of the Universe talks on the Divine Truth information page on this website) – if you want to get an overview of what I talk about regularly or are just curious about the fact Jesus and Mary are back on earth. They are interviewed by Geoff Whitehouse who says he has been an atheist for 20 years or so and been reading Richard Dawson and suchlike, but meeting Jesus and Mary has made him rethink…

PART 1

 

PART 2

Be open, enjoy.

Maxine

DIVINE TRUTH VOLUNTEER TRAINING PROGRAMME: LOVE IN ACTION

Hi everyone,

I am really excited to share an amazing video today made by Nicky Primetica, who has a website called http://www.divinetruthhub.com. Nicky has been experimenting with Divine Truth and God’s way of love for about 3 years and along with my friend Courtney and others were invited to participate in a Volunteer Programme over in Australia for about 9 weeks. The Volunteer Programme is based on God’s Way of Love. It is the Divine Truth teachings in action and may help you understand my enthusiasm for these teachings and the impact I believe they can have in the world if we follow them and the example of those who are walking The Way.

The video, also ties in very nicely, with the previous blog I published by Peter Lytton -Hitchins, about land recovery. God’s Way of Love, of course, includes caring for our environment and it’s creatures and this video shows some of the method’s being used by Jesus and others to improve, re-nourish and enliven the land, and to live in harmony with it.

For me personally, this video is also feeding my own desire to attend the Volunteer Induction Programme. My desire is growing every day and is even there in my sleep state. The induction programme is a little different to the Volunteer Training Programme in this video. The training programme is for those who have already shown a sincere desire to serve, where at the Induction Programme is a trial to see if you have a true desire to serve and a willingness to be humble and seek God. There is a specific criteria for attending that Mary has published so please read this first if you have an interest in the programme: https://mary.divinetruth.com/2017/02/07/volunteer-induction-programme/

The video is nearly 2 hours long, but it well worth watching and if you have been interested or trying to understand why I feel the Divine Truth teachings are the answer to the all our problems and can create long-lasting change, then this will give you a small taste.

Nicky has listed some useful websites in the comment box after the video if you want to know more.

Please enjoy and thank you so much for making the film Nicky…and to all those who took part in it. Wonderful stuff!

 

If there is any issue with the link – please go to youtube and put in the search bar “The Divine Truth Volunteer Training Programme.

with  love

Maxine

 

 

THIS TRUTH

Events, reflections, feelings and then…. a poem on a subject I am “in utero” on…. in so trying to imagine the true greatness of Divine Truth is beyond me as yet…. but still.. partly felt, partly imagined..

GoldenHeart

A Gift more precious than Gold, from God

A Love greater than we can imagine

A flower as strong and beautiful as an orchid

Outstanding when seen, experienced.

A treasure beyond our understanding

To be held close to our hearts

Away from the dust; a mirror to our errors. ..

This Truth is.

Not a joke, or way to boost our morale..

Not a thing to help us avoid our pain,

Our low self worth; our hopelessness.

Not a tool to build up our value above

And beyond our brothers and sisters,

Or ride on the facade wave of intellect

And self importance.

Not this .. this Truth.

An eternal light,

Shining in darkness,

Capable of banishing it all.

An honour to discover; to seek; to find.

A reflection of the glory of its Creator.

Permeating all Creation,

Holding hands with True Love,

This Truth it is.

Not to be abused or used,

But to be ever sought.

Not to be taken lightly

In the measure of its worth.

Nor misinterpreted by egoic self absorption.

But held as a torch for the narrow path,

To God and Love

This truth.

Eternal, unchanging,

A song of Love and adoration

An education

From the Father of All

A Way: The Way

To know Him, Her, Our God..

With this Truth…

Beautiful, light, bright,shining…

Absolute…

Divine Truth.

Maxine Bell 2016

Challenge the Lies: Find the Truth

backpacking-980

That is how it goes: when we let go of a lie, a falsehood, a false belief, an error on a certain subject our soul can then know the truth about that same subject. Jesus teaches that a truth and an error, on a particular subject, can not exist together in our soul. If we have an error, the truth can not exist: if we have the truth then an error can not exist – and there are thousands, probably more, different subjects we either know the truth or the error about. And this is not an intellectual recognition ( that’s the easy part, from my point of view); it has to be accepted emotionally: discovering the truth and accepting error is an emotional process. One expands our soul: one shrinks it. ( Human Soul Series: Divine Truth FAQ YouTube Channel)

I was just re-looking at my blog: examining the bit “About Us” and realising that when I wrote that I felt I knew the truth of a lot of things especially about Robby and I’s relationship. I knew so little, if anything! I wrote what I wanted to believe: that we were soulmates, without actually being sure, emotionally. How deep our self deception and self denial goes because we don’t want to accept we don’t know. That is more arrogant than being humble enough to really tune in to our true emotions. In this case, for me, it is being afraid of NOT knowing who my soulmate is – avoiding all those feelings of grief about my soulmate and not being able to connect with him, avoiding all the emotions I have around the opposite sex and my own gender: the dozens of reasons I don’t yet know in my soul who my soulmate is for sure. I have had moments of thinking I knew Robby was: but moments aren’t certainty. Moments are whispers in the wind, not the strong gales of truth:infact the feeling can often come form our emotional addictions causing that feeling of ‘connection.’ He may be, he may not, the truth is I do not know yet.

I am in the process of unlearning lots of things I thought were true and finding out the real truth. This year, I have been struggling with my progress. I have confused unloving actions for loving ones, been in denial and resistance. What happens is that we find this path, this Divine Truth and we think, “Wow, this is great stuff.” It hits something in our soul that changes the way we look at things, but it also challenges many things, if not all, we thought we knew.

So we start trying to feel our emotions, to get to know God. Then we discover, that feeling all our emotions all of the time is difficult: we’re not used to it. Then we discover, we don’t actually want to know God, in fact we pretty cross at him for making it so hard (our perception). We have to constantly re-look at things, poking and digging around in long forgotten dark places we wanted to forget. We keep trying, as we get intellectually, that what Jesus/AJ is teaching makes sense: it’s logical.

Then there is the Jesus stuff to work through. Did we ever imagine Jesus would actually return? Could actually return? And when he did, he would be an Aussie with a large variety of T-shirts?? So we look at our expectations and fears around that, but we keep listening to this guy and he seems so loving, so truthful we feel we know he is Jesus. Because we keep listening, we discover more truths, intellectually and a few on a soul level. The trouble with listening to truth is upsets the error and the false beliefs ( which we actually feel are true) so much it scares the living daylights out of us and because of our fear, we keep resisting, denying, letting a little emotion be felt, then misunderstand how much truth we actually know.

We keep going, and these new truths, this feeling of some emotions, opens up Pandora’s box: all those emotions we have suppressed are being stirred and more fear appears. These are some of the deeper emotions we have been doing a million things for years trying to avoid or pretend they are not there: all that childhood stuff and anything we have piled on top is shaken up. It also means we have to drop the facade. At this point, many leave the Divine Love Path: confronting their facade really cheeses them off! Even then they don’t often know why, they don’t realise their fear is shouting and we cling to our facade. So rather than know the truth, they blame Jesus, God, others, “The Path.” They go off looking for something that makes them feel they are trying to change, but is less uncomfortable or they return to their addictions and the life they had before. Sadly, people leave just at the point they may be about to hit some life-changing emotions.

This year, I feel this happened to me. I didn’t want to leave following these teachings, I didn’t want to stop trying, but have been in huge resistance in feeling, particularly fear. So I have blamed and closed off at times. There has been some progress in following my desires, such as my art, but emotionally I have been stubborn and hard-hearted, addicted to trying to control still. But God is ever-loving, and behind all that I still prayed sometimes, with feelings. I often haven’t even found the words. But because I haven’t been feeling my emotions, my body has been in pain, everyday. What I used to be proud of to call my high pain tolerance, I have now realised is just my ability to control and not allow myself to feel. The pain is the suppression of my emotions.

We are so used to living in our facade, thinking it is protecting us in some way: we don’t even question that it may not be us. We believe the facade is us. The real us is squashed under our hurt self, who is squashed by our facade. (see my previous post on Cracking the Shell, which includes links to talks on this topic) Our facade wants to avoid feeling our true feeling so much it creates dozens of emotional addictions and some physical. We get into addictions with ourselves and with others, creating co-dependent relationships, that can appear happy ( because we get addictions met). But it is all false, all lies, whatever the reason, it is an illusion of self.

Understanding all this has helped me start to see and feel the damage my addictions and facade have done. I feel that I don’t know where or who the real me is; I feel I have been much more unloving at times that I want to admit, to others and very much to myself. My facade may have kept me “safe”, but I have been very unhappy and unfulfilled. In the Australian Assistance Groups, ( see the divine truth website) Mary and Jesus talked about breaking down our facade and addictions as the toughest thing we will ever do. I have to agree; I am finding it very, very tough and I am going to need to push myself further, and desire to know myself and God more. So why go on? Why not try something else?

I can only give this analogy. When you first find Divine Truth, hear about God’s Love, it is like a number of us going on a honeymoon in Spain: the sun is shining, the sea is warm, everything feels new and fresh. As you liked it so much, you decide you want to travel further, to see the world. So you jump on trains and planes, but your journey is not as romantic as you thought: there are delays, bad accommodation, dangerous drives up mountains on the edge of dirt tracks – it is exhausting and disheartening. You try a few journeys, but it just doesn’t seem to be going your way and you can no longer see the point, even when there are promises of seeing paradise, you decide you have had enough and you are going home to a warm bed, a hot shower and a cup of tea. You leave.

But not everyone goes, a few persist, despite the setbacks, they journey on, ever curious to see more. They start to experience the highs of climbing that mountain, swimming in that lake. As they learn to survive without all their creature comforts, they discover pleasures in new things they didn’t even imagine. The journey starts to take them to incredible places, vast blue oceans, tropical jungles, vast plains with exotic animals and the most glorious beaches. They start to look forward to the tropical island they have been promised at the end of their trip and when they arrive it is beyond anything they ever imagined – so beautiful it takes their breath away: it is paradise and now they really feel the honeymoon is about to begin… and this one, this one lasts forever.

I have always been a seeker, always looking for answers and experiences of some kind and I sense my seeking has brought me on a journey like no other now. To quote Jesus from the first century:

Ask, and you will receive; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks will receive, and anyone who seeks will find, and the door will be opened to him who knocks.” (Matthew ch 7 v7-8)

So this is why I am still here, even when I am not doing so well. I have some faith in God’s vision for us and a feeling in my heart paradise exists. I want that honeymoon, where love abounds, for always.

with love
Maxine

Sisters, Sisters, Sisters….. there were never such devoted Sisters….

haynes-sisters

Sisters, Sisters, Sisters,

There were never such devoted sisters

Never had to have a chaperone “No, sir,”

I’m there to keep my eye on her

Caring, Sharing,

Every little thing that we are wearing…..

This is the song from White Christmas and a while back it kept popping into my head so I took that as a hint from my guides about some emotions that were coming up for me around friendships, particularly women so writing this helped me explore it a bit more.

If we believe we are all children of God, all men are our brothers and all women are our sisters. So when I refer to sisters here I talk just not of biological sisters we may have had, but also about our friendships: an area that has been a challenge for me all of my life.

All relationships have been a challenge for me, but those with women I have found difficult in ways I can not describe fully yet, as I am still investigating, still feeling through painful emotions and I have a way to go yet.

I find it hard to believe I am accepted and loved. I feel rejection in all sorts of scenario’s: an anxiety and fear that does not actually relay the truth of the situation – it is often just my fear and I live in it still and in the last few years it has got worse. Of course it has: I have not felt the causal emotion – the reason it all started.

The words to this song, from the movie White Christmas, intrigued me years ago: I had never had a friendship like that. I had had what I thought were close friends, but they didn’t seem to last. When I was a kid, we moved around a lot, so I made friends and then I would be off. One year I left a school, then plans changed and I was back there in September, but off again within a few months. I remember my discomfort at having to return after having said goodbye to everyone. I felt like everyone thought I had lied about leaving. When I was 12 we moved to Devon and I did stay in the same place for 6 years but by that time I was already uncertain and unsure of myself. I still made friends, still giggled together with others on the bus home from school, still compared notes on boys, but never felt that closeness with one particular friend and even if it started to feel like that, it seemed to change. I often felt like a strange creature with a secret world that no one understood or knew about: I often felt like an observer of my own life. I would relate to a certain point, but mostly I felt so utterly alone, in my thoughts and behaviour and with my feelings. My only true friend became the ocean, where I went to talk, cry, sing and write poetry: its strength, beauty and far out horizon gave me space to feel and express myself.

I moved away from the ocean when I was 18 and my tentative relationships with women continued. I would seem to make good friends but they only lasted a few years and then they were gone. We would lose contact or something would happen and we no longer had anything more to say to each other. One friend ended our relationship because I was “too thoughtful.” At the time it made no sense to me and I learned to trust or like myself even less: not knowing when I was giving too much, which sometimes led me to feel worn out and resentful if it felt like others were just taking and not giving: not understanding what I had done “wrong.” If problems arose in friendships I would often bury my head in the sand: not answer calls, pretend not to be in, panic if I bumped into them, or pretend everything was fine, but retain feelings of anger, confusion, fear,sadness and even devastation within.

I was too scared to speak up in case I was not liked anymore: I averted disaster to avoid the pain of rejection or judgement or punishment. The truth is I had become ashamed of myself, unsure, and certain I was not truly liked, that people would find out in the end how awful I was – that the real me was a bad, unlovable person.

Naturally, it was not just that I moved house a lot: in fact the constant moving, the never asking how we children felt about it was just a clue to the fact our feelings or the effects of the changes on us were never considered. I still have huge blanks in my memory, but my feelings tell me that everything was about the adults, especially about my mother. She was needy and narcissistic. Her own childhood, her own family history created a parent who really struggled to be a parent at all. How can you love your children when you do not know about love? When you do not know how to love yourself? All you do is believe that the world is against you and you fight in whatever way you need to to get attention, to get “love”. For my mother, the need was so great, the pain so deep, that she used her children to meet her emotional needs, which is very damaging.

The most painful emotional event for me was how my mother would pull me closer, tell me I was her favourite (which didn’t make me feel comfortable), get what she wanted from me, which could be any form of caring for her – either emotionally or physically. Then I would not do something as she expected in some way, if I didn’t make her feel better, if I didn’t stop her pain, didn’t do enough chores, didn’t listen to her enough, she would push me away – tell me I didn’t know what she was going through, that she “had sacrificed everything for her kids” and that we were ungrateful and I was a terrible daughter.  I would stand confused. I tried to please her more and more. I would get her breakfast in bed, I became an entertainer to make her smile. I feared her wrath. I feared the uncertainty of her moods and the events it created. I feared rejection and abandonment.

I became a carer, a people-pleaser. I had been taught my emotions didn’t matter and in fact to express them was “selfish.” I learnt that love meant I had to earn it, I had to be perfect: in this way the love I dreamed of became unattainable.

My fears became so great I suppressed them hugely and many times my own law of attraction brought me events where I was rejected by friends. Of course this is God’s law working with love to help us feel and release the painful emotions – but that is something I have only understood in the last couple of years. Most of my life I have continued to suffer and hide my pain, my aloneness..

Rather than face others judgement I judged myself first and have self punished myself in many, many ways all my life: through food, through poor self-care, through relationships, living in fear and not following my dreams and desires. I gave myself the slap before others did – it seemed the easier option. It is a route many of us take. One that imprisons us in fear and suppression. A prison cell that only we have the key to.

Of course I never did reach the perfection I felt  my parents wanted, no matter how hard I tried, particularly with my mother. So I mostly felt unloved and unaccepted.  The rest of the craziness of my childhood led me to feel invisible and insignificant.  Most of my life I have felt that no matter what I did or who I was, I could not be loved.

So why would I believe that a friend could really love me? Every other minute I wait to be “unloved”, rejected and alone. How can I trust my sisters, when the one big sister ( my mother) who was meant to guide me and teach me about love and trust, manipulated and hurt me. It may not have been consciously, but it happened. This is how the past become our present, when we don’t grieve over the things that were lost or missing.

My fears about trusting women have grown rather than shrunk, because have grieved about the lack of love from my mother. This is just an example from my own life of the the impact of not processing emotions and I have need to be compassionate about the fact that as a child expressing emotions always resulted in punishment, anger, shut down so it is something I will need to learn.

But until I do process these emotions about mum, I am blocked to the feminine side of God, the majority of the time. The only time I open a little is when I am out with nature and I do have some interest in finding out about God. For my own health, my soul’s growth and my relationships it is an issue I can’t keep avoiding so I plan to connect with some friends I haven’t been and see what happens.

Fear is a very damaging thing when we make it our God, but it is just an emotion – an imagined event too. But we blow it up into this big monster we keep running from. Mary has written some great blogs on fear and there are some talks too. Here are the links:

  1. Let Yourself Fall from the Plane blog
  2. Living in Fear and the Freedom to Choose Differently blog
  3. Sometimes I think of Dogs blog
  4. Fear is your Friend Part 1 seminar
  5. Fear is your Friend Part 2 seminar
  6. Fear Revisited Part 1
  7. Fear Revisited Part 2

Maxine