BEING HERE – ASSISTANCE GROUP 2019: UNDERSTANDING SIN AND ITS CAUSES

j and mary 2016 AG

I have just finished the most wonderful week in Australia attending the Divine Truth Assistance Groups: Understanding Sin and its causes. It’s so different actually being here, than, just watching the videos: the love and compassion from Jesus and Mary hits your soul and the teaching we received was incredible and I feel I have some tools to work with and am ‘joining the dots’ on a number of things.

One of the key things that I know I have to surrender to and allow, if I am to progress in any way, is feeling emotions and stop blaming the amount of sin I have committed on my childhood. Just to clarify, Sin is the existence of will or desire in disharmony with God’s Love and Principles (sin of commission) , or the absence of will and desire in harmony with God’s Love and Principles  (sin of omission) , whether the will or desire is acted upon or not.

I am not saying that my upbringing had no effect on my decisions and choices: it did. I learnt like all of us false ideas about Love, Truth, Emotions and many other things. We were often forced in someway to agree with our parents and society on many issues. However, as adults we do not have to live with our parents and have the chance to investigate, question and experiment with all these false beliefs and to make different and better choices.

The actual sin we commit is the intention we had, in God’s eyes, not the sinful actions. The actions compound the sin, but it is the motivation to sin that matters: that is the act that works against God’s Laws and Principles. The good news is, find,feel and release the motivation to sin and you will find that you will automatically stop a number of sinful acts and behaviours.

We learn to have faith in the physical world only, in the institutions of family, religion, education, health, media, business, government and country. If we challenge that corrupt faith (Jesus explains this more fully in the talks) we are often attacked, humiliated, belittled, or ostracised. It takes real courage and conviction to do this and some do do it: they choose to love, instead of sin; they choose truth instead of lies, fear and facade; they choose to have humility and pure faith and take loving actions. The wonderful thing is if we change our corrupt faith, because it has governance over morals and values, it will help change those automatically.

God loves us and helps s much as She is able to, but still allowing our free will. Sin creates nothing but pain and suffering. God wants us to give us an education in Love and show us how to have lasting happiness and joy. But, I am not going to try to explain all the details and Jesus and Mary do a much better job and the videos will come on line in time.  But just thought I’d give you a taster…

As I mentioned, one of the key areas for me is developing humility and allowing myself to really feel my emotions. To do that I am looking and feeling my corrupt faith in this area and whilst have doing this ( not complete yet) I came up with an analogy that made sense to me and explained my own insanity in not accepting God’s truth about my soul, which is that it is designed to feel and release emotions, not hold onto them. It is what allows a good energy flow and expansion of our soul, which in turn improves the condition of our spiritual and physical bodies and of course our life and relationships. We receive more truth this way too. Holding on to our emotions damages and degrades our soul, impacts and damages our spiritual and physical bodies and our life and relationships. See the next post.. Shore of Sin 

Maxine

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THE MOUNTAIN TO GOD

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I have borrowed inspiration from Aphraar in Through the Mists* where chapter IV is named The Mount of God. This book and the two that follow are the story of Aphraar’s life once he passes and leaves his earthly body and existence behind. The books are pure magic and I have read them again and again. If you want to know more about spirit life, God, God’s Love for us, His goodness and Laws (which are all about love) and the potential that is possible for us all then read and read them. They are my absolute favourites and I learn new things every time.

I love mountains, always have especially after climbing my first one nearly 30 years ago. It was Snowdon, in North Wales and I climbed it in a pair of borrowed plimsolls on a random trip one June. I was fortunate that it was a warm, dry day as there are parts of the climb where movable pieces of slate and shale can pull you over in worse weather and take you to your peril down the side of the mountain. But to be honest, I never gave it a thought: I was an exhilarated and fearless adventurer and I loved every step up, every step closer to the summit. The air was so clean and the views varying as I climbed until I reached the peak and what I saw took my breath away and made my soul sing. I remember holding my arms up to the sky and even though I didn’t have any thoughts about God at that time in my life, I felt such gratitude for such grandeur and beauty.

Snowdon is only 3,560ft – a small mountain compared to the 29,000 feet of Everest, but I have only managed to climb mountains in the UK so far and it has given me a taste of something: a sense of freedom and wonder, gained by the challenges it offered and it came to me that the journey I am currently on is like that. I have been listening to the amazing talks from the 2016 Divine Truth Assistance Groups and so have been reflecting a lot on my own journey with ‘The Way,’ as Jesus calls it. If you have read my blog you will see it has been a very in and out journey and when I read back on some of my posts, I can see constant misunderstandings about it and myself amid pieces of Truth. It is why I suggest you always refer back to the actual teaching on the Divine Truth website, as my learning has been slow. I can spout off stuff intellectually, but I am talking about my true learning: the soul based, emotional learning. The real stuff!

In early 2012, I was living near Glastonbury – the UK centre of many different, mostly New Age beliefs. It attracts many pilgrims looking for something and I was one of them. I guess you could say that at that time I was living in a valley down from the mountain where there were many paths crossing each other, heading off in different directions, many going round in circles, or coming to a dead end. Now in that valley there are many people who are a bit like cats: you know when a cat falls off a fence it moves so fast to act as if nothing happened and it’s in complete control, pretending nothing did happen…a bit of self delusion to create a cool facade.

When I first arrived at that valley it seemed full of wonder and interest. I saw things I had never seen before, investigated and tried some of them: yes the proverbial kid in the sweet shop. I was lost and I was looking for new experiences and I found them. But you know the thing about sweets? They are not really good for you: they are a big con. They may taste sweet, but they are made of cheap refined sugar, with additives and other nasties in them. They are there to tempt you and there are many sweet makers who tell you lies and woo you with the colour and other sensory delights as you eat their poison.

A bit dramatic you may think, but my experience there showed it to be true. Glastonbury was full of tricksters, misleading paths and lies and we may have been seeking something, but for many of us we were just feeding our sugar addiction because we wanted to feel better, to feel special: we wanted the buzz, the tingle of sherbet on our tongues.

I have a questioning mind and a certain sixth sense and I started to notice things that didn’t feel right, in fact some of it felt very off. I experienced a very addictive relationship – that initially felt sweeter than sugar, but I was tricked by my own addiction and darkened my soul. I became less happy (was it really happiness or just addiction fulfilment?) and less interested in the winding paths and stayed at home more and more. But one day I came home after some crazy event and I shouted out and said, “Whoever you are, Bob, God, Great Spirit – if you are up there I want the truth. I am sick of the lies, the inconsistencies, and the bloody mysteries, please give me the truth.”

I must have meant it, as within 24 hours I had received an email from a friend saying, “Check this out” and there was a link to the “Secrets of the Universe” talks that Jesus did in 2007/8. I watched the first one and then the next one and I sat there with my mouth open, choked up some emotion as something hit my heart and then laughed. Here it was, without realising it, I had sent up a prayer and God answered. Yes, the guy talking said he was Jesus – I’d need to think about that for a bit, but boy everything he said made sense. It was so opposite to the new age stuff I had been feeding off the previous few years, I actually felt relieved and hopeful.

Then it turned out, Jesus and Mary were over for a visit about 10 days later. When I got back home after listening to them (they were just so humble and grounded), I seemed to have moved out of the valley and was now sitting at the bottom of a very large mountain. Well I didn’t know how large it was as the clouds were around the top at the time, but it looked interesting and remember I love mountains, so it was definitely more intriguing than the valley to me.

For the next 18 months, I was excited by it, but also sometimes struggling to not be pulled back into the valley by the sweet addiction and ended up in some interesting situations, mostly because of my mediumship ( which I called channelling then) and I was tuning into so many things without discernment or knowledge. I set up a healing and card reading little place about 3 months after discovering Divine Truth, but I very quickly just got a feeling it wasn’t right in some way so stopped it. But despite this pulling in and out, I couldn’t stop watching the Divine Truth videos and I think it was the “Truth about Reincarnation” talk and the talks on spirits that really made me see that life in the Valley of New Age was not all it thought itself to be.

So I wandered in the valley a little for a while, but with a growing fascination for the mountain and a desire to climb it. I did physically leave Glastonbury early 2014, very sick of it if I am honest and I started my blog as I had decided it was time to try the mountain.

The first attempt up the mountain didn’t go to well. You think reading a book on mountain climbing teaches you how to climb it, but it doesn’t: you can understand a few ideas, but until you put one foot in front of another and equip yourself with the right things, you don’t really know. I will say for the next three years, following that decision, my attempt at the mountain was extremely slow. I have fallen over and slid back down many times; I have even told lies to others to give the impression I am an expert on mountain climbing, even though I have only gone a 100 metres at the very most; I have become very angry and had a tantrum about “how hard it is;” and berated myself for my uselessness and incapability to get farther. During these times I was often stomping round the base of the mountain or sulking, not moving an inch, throwing the occasional rock upwards.

Much of my failure has been because my motivation was wrong and I wanted to do it my way. I wanted to get up the mountain so that I could quickly forget the past: the valley of New Age, the City of Sin, the Prison of Fear and the Cage of Family. I wanted to be able to magically float up the mountain and just be at the top enjoying the view, congratulating myself I had done it and everything was different.

Well, you can’t get up a mountain like that apparently. Last year, I finally started to look a bit more closely about what my motivation was and what I had been doing wrong. So forget the sudden transformation to the top – what is this mountain all about anyway? What is so special about this mountain? I started by looking at who has already got higher than me on the mountain and what were they doing that I wasn’t.
Well near the top was Jesus – do I feel he is Jesus? Yes. Why? Because he seems to know how to get up this mountain; because he seems to walk his walk; practice what he teaches and understand more about this mountain than anyone I have ever heard: “by their fruits ye shall know them.” Coming up after him, bit further down was Mary and she is exactly the same – walking her walk. Both with courage, care and openness: unselfishly happy to show the rest of us the way.

There are a few others who have started the climb and in all these people I have seen positive changes in them over the years. Watching Jesus and Mary get happier and closer to each other is pretty awesome and inspiring. But with all the successful climbers, what is the common factor and why do they want to climb the mountain?

What I learnt by watching and listening to them is that their motivation was different – they had an interest in the Creator of the mountain. They want to discover more about how the mountain got there and why, what was its purpose, who created it and what does it say about the Creator of such an amazing, majestic thing? So now, I have been doing the same, learning about the Creator, looking with fresh eyes and questioning things I thought were true.

I also had a realisation about the climb up the mountain, remembering my first every climb all those years ago: that I enjoyed every step and even when others told me it could be dangerous I didn’t stop. I also realised that being harsh on myself, pushing myself up the mountain would ruin the journey. I wouldn’t notice the things along the way: the mountain flowers; the way the rocks are formed; small patches of various grasses; butterflies and other small creatures who inhabit tiny homes there; the taste of beautiful mountain waters and the breath of it’s clean air.

How can I know how to truly climb a mountain, learn everything it has to teach me about myself if I try to fight the natural way it shows me to go. The mountain and its Creator want me to enjoy the journey: to be patient with myself, to have courage, and to drink the waters of Truth it offers. Because a mountain is magnificent, beautiful, strong, steady and if we take our steps with patience and awareness it will hold us and lift us to new heights and that is what the Creator wants – for us to lift to new heights: to bring us close to Him, to enjoy and experience what has been made for us and what we can co-create with Her.

You cannot pick up a violin and know how to play its beautiful harmony in a moment: only patience, desire and endurance will lead you to play it skilfully and passionately. You will make mistakes, you will learn from them just as every time your feet slip on the mountain, you become more aware of the right way to climb its great heights.

This is the Way and the Way is all about wanting to understand and to know the Creator of the majestic mountain which rises much higher than any earthly mountain can. Its views and the beauty that await I cannot comprehend, but I am finally beginning to understand it’s not about some magic wand to wash away my pain. It’s about my desire, my will and my willingness to be humble to the journey and to be loving with myself along the Way. God waits patiently for me, she wisely knows that the journey has to be done to appreciate and treasure the lessons and gifts She has to offer. God knows that with each step the magic is happening and that the heavy rucksack (of my pain) I start with will become lighter and lighter until it disappears and I suspect my vision will become clearer and clearer too. ** Why not? So that I can experience the heights of being near my Creator. I am curious to know what that will feel like: to be in the presence of Love, as Jesus and many others teach. This is my hope and I still know so little, but what I am learning bring revelations and new views. I am too curious to stop.

When I started this blog – I said I was seeking Truth with little understanding of what that meant. I still am, but now I am shifting into seeking Truth about God and I feel this is where I will truly find myself and I will not be alone.

So fellow mountaineers or potential mountaineers, put on your boots, bring all your investigating gadgets and experimenting tools. Ensure you have plenty of pockets to fill with faith as you climb, be humble to the process and allow the discovery to open your heart along the Way, so that as you climb you learn to breathe in the gift of love and breathe out to gift it to others. Be patient, be kind, allow rest, and stay steadfast, “for he shall have all men saved.” *

I shall let dear Aphraar, have the final words,
“I realised the unspeakable mercy and love that had been exercised in the design displayed before me…..My previous conceptions fell thus short of the reality of the scene which lay before me as I stood upon that mountain side; yet this was not heaven itself, but only one of the halting places within the ranch of God’s infinitude, where homeward-bound souls could rest and refresh…towards their Father’s house of many mansions.
…For as language fails me to express the quality of the scene unfolded to my view, so also am I powerless to convey an indication of the area over which that celestial panorama was unrolled…Did I say it had plains and streams? It were far more true to say my eye wandered over vast continents, fruitful and picturesque, each bounded by proportionate seas and oceans…The gardens of Babylon were forgotten in the contemplation of such horticulture attainments….. The rose of Sharon blanched its cheek in the face of rich blossoms; and the aroma from the sweet incense of Jerusalem only became a type of perfume wafted by breezes from those trees which are robed in a living green..
Peoples of every nationality, intermingled without distinction; no cold formality, condescension, or patronage was visible among them, but rather a recognition that each possessed some power to augment the happiness of his fellow, and that the society of all was necessary for joy to reach its full ideal. It was a sacred, holy sight to gaze upon…
My eye moistened, and I bowed my head in gratitude as I received the revelation, and turning to my companion, I asked:
“What is this place?”
“The Mount of God, one of the vestibules of heaven.”
Maxine Bell@2019
*All quotes taken from ‘Through the Mists: Leaves from the Autobiography of Aphraar Volume 1’ Recorded by Robert James

**These are growing discoveries about God, and much has been felt reading Aphraar’s story, as well as The Padgett messages, nature and of course the Divine Truth teaching. But true knowledge of God comes from opening to receiving Her love and I may have let one small moment happen, which led me to cry for an hour. I am scared of surrendering, and I have old false beliefs from religion I’m still shaking off. I still do not have a definite knowledge of God or His existence yet: I am seeking and investigating with a growing desire by educating myself from books, talks and use of my own logic and I find in that it’s impossible not to open to God’s goodness sometimes. May this grow in me so that what I share becomes more full of truth. Besides it’s always good to investigate yourself.

There are a wealth of talks about Relationship with God on http://www.divinetruth.com or search on the Divine Truth channel on YouTube.

THE MOUNTAIN TO GOD

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I am currently just completing my fourth reading of Through the Mists recorded by Robert James Lee, but the person dictating his own story is Aphraar and I have to say I have a growing love and an immense gratitude to this man, whose passion to share truth to the world led to this book and the two that followed. (See the links page for more information).

My fourth reading immediately followed the third. Maybe because each time I read it I learn new things and my soul opens to possibilities and feelings. The books are really an autobiography of Aphraar’s life “beyond the grave.” On earth he was known as Frederick Winterleigh, who died suddenly in the 19th century, attempting to save the life of a young boy. He did not succeed in preventing the end of the boy’s life on earth, but he awoke to find himself still holding the young boy, on the slopes of a land he didn’t know. From the slopes he could view a large area of mists where people were appearing from as they walked through them. This was Aphraar’s entry into the spirit life, or afterlife as some call it: the point where our physical bodies dies, but we continue very much to live in our spirit bodies.

I don’t want to get into any debates about whether this may or may not be true, that is something you need to investigate for yourself, as I have been doing. There are lots of great talks on spirit life on the divine truth website, as well as the Robert James Lee trilogy and the Padgett messages.

As I said, every time I read these books some new feeling hits my soul: my soul expands and a number of times I find myself crying – not with sadness, but with joy, relief and wonder. They are truly my favourite books: beautifully written and full of passion. I journey within myself, as Aphraar journey’s through spirit lands, travelling to places I can only dream of and not fully imagine yet. They are an affirmation of God, God’s goodness and Love. They are a confirmation that God’s truth is absolute, reliable, loving and designed to take us far, far, far beyond than what we can even contemplate. We are in fact just sitting in the “twinkling of an eye” right now, only able to see a sparkle of the light God offers us, the life he wants to lead us too, the people God designed us to be.

I read these books and even the first book when Aphraar is at the start of his journey and I know that he starts his journey in spirit life in a place that is well above where I would be right now if I passed. Because of his desire to learn truth, to be educated he is shown by spirits in much higher conditions their homes – right up to the 7th sphere and because of that we are given a glimpse ourselves. I say a glimpse, because it is apparent that words are not enough to describe the beauty, love and peace in these places. I am a very visual person and I let my mind imagine according to his descriptions and I catch a flash of something, but then I feel this block in me and just have to understand that my current soul condition cannot comprehend such places, though I am grateful and moved by the glimpse’s that Aphraar reveals.

I have much sin (actions, thoughts, emotions, desires out of harmony with Love) to work through before I can see a wider panorama of these things. I have many things to correct in myself and many things to embrace too and I will admit when I look out of my window and compare the world as it is now and my relation to it – that I am in a similar condition, I do sigh heavily about the long road I have to travel to get there.

One of the key things that Aphraar learns in Through the Mists is that there is no instant spiritual growth and there are many passages referring to this and a beautiful poem that I will put at the end of this blog, but for now Aphraar summarises , “ Salvation does not guarantee a sudden transition from debauchery to the white-robed through, from the ribald profligacy to ‘sing the song of Moses and the Lamb’; it means ‘acceptance in the beloved’ when the penitent  prodigal has carried out his determination to arise and go to his father – has made the pilgrimage from the far country to the homeland..”

In the book, Aphraar debunks the Christian beliefs about heaven being a place where everyone is sitting around playing harps and singing, “Glory, glory, glory.” As you will see if you read the books, life is very real in spirit life, maybe more so than here, because you are seen clearly as you are – you cannot put on a facade and pretend: it is all out there for everyone to see. For me, I am beginning to long for that, I am tired of the facades I have. It is exhausting and like existing in a black and white movie: limited and grey.

Aphraar’s story makes me long for the technicolour life: I love the beauty of nature here on earth, but I long to see the nature in its full, magical abundance as Aphraar describes it; I see the wonder of people changing here, but it feels very small compared to what he describes and experiences for him and others that he meets and observes there.  A life of continual growth and change, rising us up and taking us home – our real home.

But a key point in this growth and change is US. God has provided the solid foundation and the means for us to grow, but we are the catalyst: we have to want it, desire it. Your will notice in the quote above that the prodigal “carried out his determination to arise.” He had previously used his desire in a negative way, even though he didn’t feel it was negative at the time as he was just using his free will (sound familiar?). In the end it didn’t make him happy and in suffered and it was only when things hit absolute rock bottom that he realised his mistake (sound familiar?),  and that he had sinned – he faced the truth about himself and did what he could to return, even willing to return to his father’s house as servant. Again it was his desire, but this time a loving desire and only his desire, his willingness to return, humbly that achieved his goal. We must want to go home and like the father in the story, God will run towards us and prepare a feast to celebrate our return.

The story of the prodigal son is a wonderful story (Luke 15 v 11) – full of so much truth, hope and love and part of that truth is what we do with our will matters. We have free will and just as we put a lot of energy into using it in selfish and unloving ways, we can use it in more powerful, loving ways and this book gives information on where that can take us.

I do feel I have a mountain to climb and I do feel I have taken myself a few steps up and then fallen down again at times and in that I have sat, stubborn, apathetic, tired and despairing at times. There are many reasons for all of those emotions and my lack of action, but I don’t completely give up ever and if you have read my blog you will know some of the difficulties of the path I am attempting to follow, but I also know it is only me that gets in the way. It’s my choice every time, as it would be on an actual physical walk up a mountain, to stop, to give up, to get up , to try again: something inside hopes and longs to see the view from the top.

The funny thing is I absolutely love mountains. The first time I came across mountains and climbed them I felt like I was flying: I didn’t care too much about the aches in my legs or the thoughts of ‘how much further.’ I just love the feeling of getting higher, the sense of achievement, the expectation of what might come next, overcoming challenges and the absolute joy of reaching the top and discovering that the view from the top was so much better than you even imagined! The air feels clear, the sense of space is incredible and then there is the beauty you witness: the surrounding hills, plains, forests and lakes, the sky, clouds and birds who feel close enough to touch. Then around my feet, rocks, grass, small mountain flowers: breathtaking. I never want to go back down, because I never feel as free down there and I want to feel free.

In those moments, I want to drop the weight of my pain, the armour of my facade and I want to see if I can touch the sky and I wonder who is in the sky: are you there God? Can I reach your from here? Can I feel your breath? Touch the sun and look at things through the soft light of the mountain: true or not, God feels closer on the mountain top.

When given a view of the seventh sphere, which is the sphere that those who are seeking a relationship with God, have received a large amount of His love through their desire to do so, are in a transition: from human to divine angel. They are about to take off, to traverse mountain peaks much higher than we imagine, one’s so high they were not previously in sight.

Aphraar becomes speechless with the atmosphere of “irresistible happiness,” and the sight of “some azure-tinted, celestial mountain.”  He further describes, “Heaven lay unrolled before me. I can find no other way to convey even a crude suggestion of the scene – its purity, its  beauty and its peace…in the distance – however far the eye might travel – undimmed, distinct and vivid as the foreground, there rose to view chain on chain and tier on tier, the heavenly mountains – countless hills on which equally countless terraces were spread – terraces large as plateaus, each vying with other in mansion, parks and flowers, like models of angel cities standing in galleries Divine, all canopied with the smile of God. Each terrace was bathed in its own distinctive glory, the brilliance increasing with the ascent… “

And this is just the sphere before the true Celestial spheres. To give you some idea of the mountain  to climb, the earth is currently in a first sphere condition – not even at the top of the first: from hellish conditions rising to increasing light and beauty, until we have grown more in love, to move to the 2nd sphere, and onwards. All of us can do it. Everything is in place for us to start the climb – it is just up to us now to make the choice. You can get to the 6th sphere, without God, or to go on beyond there and infinitely, you have to want a relationship with your true Parent. Jesus describes the two paths as the natural love path and God’s way of Love. To me it’s like deciding to climb Ben Nevis or Everest: both have good views, but which mountain has the greatest view – the one that takes us to the greatest heights.

But there is no instant way, no quick fix; we are responsible for correcting our mistakes, for choosing to learn about Love, or wanting a relationship with God. The Father has a feast waiting for us and She has cleared the path for our return, but we have to investigate, to wonder, to want God’s version of Love and Truth and surrender our own: to be born again – not through the sacrifice of anyone, but through the example of the first man who found the way home to His father, to our Father.

We can decide to climb the mountain and we can stubbornly say we know the way and insist we find our own way without help and guidance: we are likely to get more lost that way, to face more danger, to want to give up. Or we can take the advice of those who have travelled this path already and know the route well.  The guiding hand is there – He’s just waiting for us to take it.

Maxine Bell Oct 2018

Here is the poem from Through the Mists: Chapter 17: A Poetess at Home

Waiting

Waiting now upon the threshold,

Just within the porch of life;

Safe from all the storms and tempests,-

Hushed the discord and the strife;

Stilled the heart with its wild beatings,

Calmed the hot and fevered brain

Waiting now, and resting sweetly,

‘Til the Master comes again.

 

Waiting, where the rippling wavelets

Of life’s river lave my feet;

Washing off the stains of travel,

Ere the Master I may greet;

Till the voice is full and mellow,

And I learn the sweet, new song;

Till the discord is forgotten,

That disturbed my peace so long.

 

Waiting, til the wedding garment,

And the bridal wreath is here;

Till our Father’s feast is ready,

And then bridegroom shall appear

Till the seeds of life have blossomed,

And the harvest- home we sing.

Gathering up my life’s long labours

For my bridal offering.

 

Oh! ’tis not as men would teach us – 

Just one step from earth to God;

Passing through the death-vale to Him,

In the gard that earth we trod;

Called to praise Him while aweary,

Or to sing, while yet the voice

With Love’s farewell sob is broken,

Could we, fitly, thus rejoice?

No! we wait to learn the music,

Wait, to rest our weary feet;

Wait to learn to sweep the harp-strings

 

Ere the Master shall we meet;

Wait to tune our new-found voices

To the sweet seraphic song;

Wait to learn the time and measure,

But the time will not be long.

 

Wait to understand the glory

That will shortly be revealed

Till our eyes can bear the brightness

When the book shall be unsealed.

 

Oh! the vision would o’er power us,

If it suddenly were given

So we wait in preparation,

In the vestibule of heaven. 

A Story about Hurt in Wolfdom

I have just read a wonderful story, written by a sister also trying to follow the Way. It is a lovely analogy of all of our stories and the hope we have to do things differently. Please check out the link below:

https://divinetruthhub.com/a-story-about-hurt-in-wolfdom/

BELIEFS ABOUT FATHER

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Dennis Arthur Falloon (My Dad/ Big brother)

My father recently passed and even though I know he continues his life, in his spirit body and that he is still the same man, really in the early stages of a life that will continue for a long time, I felt so many emotions because the story of me and my dad is complicated. I have gone from angry, confused, very sad and grieving and full of regret. I am still in the process of unravelling and allowing all this to move through me. It is coming in fits and starts. Not a river, but more like someone turning the tap on and then off again.

The other part of this is that lately God has been showing me in many law of attraction events that working through my block to Him in relation to how I feel about men and myself in relation to men is really vital right now, if I am to progress. The emotions and beliefs I currently hold are blocking me from my true Father. God’s truth is that the person I understand as my father is in fact an older brother, who had the role of caring and teaching me. I can say and understand this intellectually, but I don’t know this in my heart, which means I don’t know this at all. To think God is my father, to read this, to hear this from Jesus (in fact my dad stuff also affects how I feel about Jesus) – and Mary, is one thing, but to know this truth deep in my heart is really knowing it, really feeling it and that is an emotion I don’t have and in fact I am not yet truly convinced emotions will help me. It is in my thoughts a lot and maybe a few times in my life I have opened the door of my heart slightly to feel what this means, but mostly I can’t and I can’t because my experience of “father” has been difficult, confusing, frustrating and mostly painful and I have held on to the emotions, either in denial, resistance and/or fear.

How we feel about father, about men comes through the belief systems of our parents and environment. So how my mother feels about men, how my father feels about himself as well as other prominent people in our younger lives, whether it is grandparents, teachers or others. Some of these beliefs are generational and some from our parents experiences. Then to add to that are our experiences with our fathers and other men around as children, and how that effects future relationships with men. From those causes come the effects of how we relate to male relationships and how we view ourselves in those relationships. The most powerful effects come from us holding onto these emotions, suppressing them as children and then as adults. Sadly, most of us are trained to suppress our emotion, which means most of us are living in the fear and other negative emotions created from our childhood.  Even if you think your childhood was okay, you may only have to examine your current life and your relationships to get an idea if you are carrying mistaken beliefs or error-based emotions in you.

For myself, I have a number of things I am clearly aware of and many others that have yet to come to light for me to fully understand and Jesus teaches that these awareness’s all need to be feelings and not just thoughts for me to really know why I do what I do.

My father was 22 when he married my mother, who was just turning 18 and most of my life I have heard my mother’s version of what happened in that marriage. She claimed my father was distant and violent. She described him pulling her down the stairs by her hair and other such stories all culminating in the day he left, well abandoned us, leaving my mum a single parent with two small children. This was about 8-9 years after they married. After he left at some point, mum and I and my younger brother, Dean moved into a caravan. We had very little money and I can remember mum begging the lady in the shop for some bread to give us some toast. My mum’s family did not help and apparently not my father either. During that period my mum had a male friend visit. He had been one of our neighbours in our previous house and was going through a divorce himself. It wasn’t too long before they decided to get married and within a year or so mum had had my other brother.

Mum was married to him for about 5 years or so and it was not a good time. I don’t remember my father’s violence, but I do remember my step-father’s. I remember my mother’s breakdown and suicide attempts were during this time ( probably what would now be post natal depression on top of the abuse that went on). We were all vigilant when he was there. He ruled the house through fear. At that time I was very grateful that we lived in the countryside and could roam out of the house most of the day. Also, at that time mum was friends with the vicar from our previous home. He was regular visitor and I went on brownie camps with him and others. There was something odd about him and I can remember some uncomfortable feelings around him and even writing this brings up fear in me.

This whole period wasn’t good, and many things happened: some I remember and a lot of it is still blanked out. I started to have regular nightmares, repetitive and frightening and ones that I felt I had to cope with alone. My mum got away from this marriage, when she met someone else and with his help and a couple of friends we were woken one night, put in a car in our night clothes and moved out of our home. We slept in the home of my mother’s new partner, who was to become my second step father and with two new step sisters. Like many in those days, we were not really told anything or asked how we were. We just had to accept the changes.

Out of all of my mother’s relationships this was probably the best. He wasn’t violent, but they were very focused on each other. Life did not settle and my mum still seemed affected, histrionic and unpredictable. I do not need to go into all that happened, but all I knew was I felt very alone, was often and continuing from my younger years, the parent/carer to my mother. I couldn’t wait to leave home.

My step father was very hot and cold and I never knew where I stood with him and there was period where he disappeared, left my mum in a meltdown and me caring for her and my two brothers. He had a strong belief that we all needed to earn our keep and when I was 10, in the first year we knew him I was cooking bar food in the kitchens of a pub we lived in and ran. It felt like we had to earn “love.”

So I could summarise my experiences of fathers as distant, disapproving, untrustworthy, weak, angry, frightening, abandoning, emotionally and physically absent, and never feeling good enough to be loved, love was very conditional on me being “good” in their eyes and earning the right to it. I felt very unseen and unheard and lost. I now realise this is how I feel about God. I have projected all my dad emotions onto Him, feeling his disapproval, distance, anger and feeling totally unloved and unlovable, like I am the only child he will never accept. So I think about wanting to receive God’s love, but with all these negative emotions I am too frightened to open my heart to my version of God.

On top of that I felt and heard all of my mother’s feelings and beliefs about men: they are weak, useless, selfish. A good man would provide for a woman, make her feel safe and secure. Mum was never satisfied with the finances we had. Being married was seen as proof of your “alrightness” as a woman. She indicated that sex was unpleasant and their physical bits ugly. Yet at the same time I had to act like a lady. I was not allowed to pass wind or swear and had to sit nicely, have long hair (that’s what men preferred). Lot’s of messages that I had to perform and present a facade of nice, good. Her ideal man for me would be someone earning a good amount of money and demonstrate his love to me with gifts and holidays etc. That was her dream really, one she never got.

I have told you all this just to give an example of some of the beliefs and emotions that effected me and many of you will relate to too and it was through all these filters, all these beliefs and all the damaging emotions from these experiences that I went out into the world with. I had also gone to an all girls school, had no confidence in myself and so the idea of men and relationship terrified me. I was too terrified to touch myself, let alone let someone do it. Mum had made me feel ashamed and scared of my own body and feelings and other childhood experiences had left me with no real sense of myself or my boundaries and many dark moments happened from that space.

My father had left when I was 4 or 5 and I didn’t hear from him until I had left home, was living in London aged 19. I had a call out of the blue. We met up. I remember two visits and some letters and I can’t remember what happened, but at some point he disappeared from my life again. As the years went by there were two occasions when I turned up at his house out of the blue. One time, when my brother wanted to meet him, and another when my son was about 2 or 3. Each time we would have contact for a while and for one reason or another he seemed to disappear again. So the last time I saw him physically was about 20 years ago. In the last 3 years my brother contacted him and met up with him and he and his family even went to stay with my father for a few days. I wasn’t asked to join them, but I did start an email communication with my father. The last email was last summer when I told him I had had the all clear from cancer, he replied and I replied to him, but then he didn’t reply back. What I didn’t know was that about that time he was being diagnosed with cancer, but one that he never recovered from and so he passed just over two weeks ago.

After my father left us, he did meet someone, remarried and had two more sons. These two sons were the ones who decided we needed to be told our father had passed and they have been truly kind and understanding and invited Dean and I to the funeral last week. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and also we have discovered lots about our father we didn’t know. He had many friends and family at his funeral and he was described as gentle, loving children and nature. I felt immense grief and still do. I am very sad that we didn’t get to know each other better; I am very sad that many years were wasted because of my fears and hurt, but also because of my father’s hurt too. He would come towards us, but then for whatever reason back away again so that I felt unloved and unaccepted again and again. I also felt that because I look like my mother, he could not see beyond that to ME. He was very traumatised by what happened with my mother and is the reason he said that he could not maintain contact with us – it was like he was afraid of her and her behaviour.

The information we have had about dad certainly changes the story my mother has relayed all these  years and she did not respond well to knowing we wanted to go to his funeral, meaning that my father’s passing has also triggered some dark emotions about my mother and how much she was a block to us getting to know and have some sort of relationship with our father and how she may have manipulated the truth because of her own fears and anger.  I am struggling to put all the pieces together, and can only now continue to let myself fall into the emotions that arise from all this.  I am switching between romanticising my father, to trying to see the truth and to find the balance, as well as not blaming myself for not contacting him, even though I can see I was avoiding another “rejection.” But it has been really good to find out more, to feel things and to want to continue to.

It has made me acutely aware of the filters through which we see and feel things and how as children we absorb emotionally so much, so many beliefs and so many emotions from our parents: all of it obscuring the truth. I want to be able to separate God (as father) from my father as my father (rather than the older brother who was given the opportunity to be my temporary father, guide and teacher). I want to be able to separate my feelings about my earthly father from my heavenly Father, but I can’t right now. It is all overlapping and difficult, but it is just as it is and until I feel more about my father and my relationship with him and my step-fathers it won’t happen.

I am also learning that thinking something really doesn’t work. I am a great thinker, I have spent much of my life in my head, trying to figure things out and getting exhausted in the process so I know it doesn’t work. It may give a temporary fix- up, but it is a plaster over a gaping wound and the only thing that will heal that gaping wound will be to open up that wound and let all the pus (feelings) out so that it is clean and ready to let in truth and heal. I was a nurse and I know how wounds heal; I know we have to clean them to allow the new cells to grow. If we don’t clean out the yucky stuff there is no room for the new. It is the same with the error/emotional damage in us; it is the pus, that once removed allows us to feel the truth of a situation and that is what sets us free.

So through the process of allowing feelings to move through us, however long they may have been in us. If I allow this now about my father, I will find out the truth about him, but also most powerfully, I will understand better who my true Father is and then and only then will I develop trust that he loves me and wants to give me His love and then I will let it in.

It is very easy to look at this spiritual path I have found – The Way of God’s Love, and say yes I want to feel God’s love, but the truth is I don’t right now. Because of the injuries I have around fathers (and subsequently men) I feel too afraid to let God’s love in, or even trust that God loves me and wants to give me His Love.

Today I heard Jesus say that we are often putting all our energy into trying to change ourselves in order to receive God’s love. We have got it all wrong, because it is receiving God’s Love that will change us, transform us. So starting with trying to change ourselves – which is bloody hard work, exhausting and often pointless, because we are often coming from our minds and willpower – we should be looking at what stops us emotionally from letting God’s love in NOW and then working through those beliefs and emotions so that we can then let this Love in and let God transform us.

The penny finally dropped with me today on that! I have been so addicted to trying to improve myself, to be perfect so that my parents might love me and accept me, I have not seen the truth of allowing God’s power to transform me and therefore not seen the true power of humility (having a passionate longing to feel all my beliefs and emotions all of the time, no matter what anyone else thinks or feels).

The other wonderful thing is that God knows which emotions I am able to deal with right now and shows me daily by the law of attraction what ones to focus on, so I don’t even need to mentally work that out! All I need to do is pay attention and be willing to feel what comes up.

So for me this time with my dad and about my dad is an incredible opportunity to experience emotions I have had buried for a long time. I have gained some understanding this week about my father, but I can feel I have much more inside. So I pray to go there, to have the courage to do it and be grateful for all that comes.

So if you are struggling to with how you feel about God – that you doubt He is even there; that if He is he is just to awful or frightening, take time to list all the things you feel about Him and then have the honesty and willingness to see that all the things you feel are how you may feel about your parents or other adults around you (including religious ones) and try to separate God from that as you do. I have longed all my life for a father who loved me totally and unconditionally, who found something special in me, accepted me, and wanted the best for me. Because of my emotional injuries, I have tried to make my father something he wasn’t or even in the times he may have tried to do this not believed he did and I do need to find some peace through this by releasing emotions. However, the crazy thing is my dream father does exist and has done all along: my true Father God and when I get to feel this truly – wow! What a day that will be!

But in the meantime, I continue to search emotionally with and for my earthly father (probably in error and truth in different moments) and I hope through my own mediumship and emotions that I may talk to him again at some point. Or maybe I won’t need to if I feel the emotions, who knows? And I have a process of forgiveness and repentance to go through too. I do wish him well though, and I do hope he seeks his true Father too. I am still dreaming I can feel… that is where I am at…

Dennis Arthur Falloon, may you ask and it will be given to you: seek and you will find: knock and the door will be opened for you. Have courage and walk with the light ones.

For me, softening, desire, honesty and courage are required. I am fortunate enough to even have an awareness of all these different things as taught by Jesus and Mary: they have given detailed instruction on how to clean that wound – it’s all a case of whether I really listen and act accordingly, or even want to. I feel my journey with my father/Father will continue for some time, all dependent on my own will, but in the meantime I hope my own reflections help you with your own.

FATHER

When I was 5 you came to bring us gifts of love

Made with your own two hands.

A garage for my brother and a dolls house for me,

But I had a sinking feeling,

A look on your face, I didn’t want to see.

You knelt and spoke and I felt so sad,

Like my heart would break in two

As you walked back to your car.

My heart cried out, “Do you feel it too?”

 

I lost you that day for a further 15 years,

But I am sure I didn’t even cry or let out tears.

Because life got tough and no one replaced you.

In fact, I spent my time hoping it wasn’t all true.

So after 15 years you called me on the phone,

I was shocked, afraid, but hopeful,

I’d been feeling so alone.

We met, we talked, but it wasn’t simple.

I carried my scars and fears on the way,

You didn’t really understand

And you disappeared again one day.

 

This happened again and again through all my adult years.

I didn’t know how to be myself;

I longed for acceptance from you.

But I constantly felt rejected,

Even if it wasn’t true.

 

I wish you had persevered

And not given up on me.

I wish we could talk right now,

Because I can finally see.

I saw our story through my mother’s eyes

And other hurt that happened,

Didn’t make me wise.

 

You also had your story so you sometimes locked up your heart

And now I struggle to understand

What happened, what wasted times

Were spent apart.

Cause a part of me from long ago

The little me I feel

Turned into woman now, is still not able to heal.

Because I still wish for you and hold you in my heart

Mixed up with bewilderment

Of why we were kept apart.

 

So now you have passed through the mists

To the other side,

I pray to feel the emotions

I have kept locked up inside.

To grieve all the broken dreams of you,

And set myself free,

So that maybe one day

We can talk again and you will sit with me.

That we will find peace with this,

And can let each other go,

And be as God intended

As only He can know.

 

May we know our brother-sisterhood,

Instead of clinging on to pain.

And knowing our true Father

Can love each other freely,

Without self-gain.

 

I’m sorry that it couldn’t be

What it was meant to be,

But I have some faith, that one day I will know

That God loves me truly

As he does you too:

Where-ever we go,

Whatever we do.

We are both his children.

And to feel that deep inside,

Will be the greatest gift of all.

Where true love does reside.

@Maxine Bell 2017

DIVINE TRUTH VOLUNTEER TRAINING PROGRAMME: LOVE IN ACTION

Hi everyone,

I am really excited to share an amazing video today made by Nicky Primetica, who has a website called http://www.divinetruthhub.com. Nicky has been experimenting with Divine Truth and God’s way of love for about 3 years and along with my friend Courtney and others were invited to participate in a Volunteer Programme over in Australia for about 9 weeks. The Volunteer Programme is based on God’s Way of Love. It is the Divine Truth teachings in action and may help you understand my enthusiasm for these teachings and the impact I believe they can have in the world if we follow them and the example of those who are walking The Way.

The video, also ties in very nicely, with the previous blog I published by Peter Lytton -Hitchins, about land recovery. God’s Way of Love, of course, includes caring for our environment and it’s creatures and this video shows some of the method’s being used by Jesus and others to improve, re-nourish and enliven the land, and to live in harmony with it.

For me personally, this video is also feeding my own desire to attend the Volunteer Induction Programme. My desire is growing every day and is even there in my sleep state. The induction programme is a little different to the Volunteer Training Programme in this video. The training programme is for those who have already shown a sincere desire to serve, where at the Induction Programme is a trial to see if you have a true desire to serve and a willingness to be humble and seek God. There is a specific criteria for attending that Mary has published so please read this first if you have an interest in the programme: https://mary.divinetruth.com/2017/02/07/volunteer-induction-programme/

The video is nearly 2 hours long, but it well worth watching and if you have been interested or trying to understand why I feel the Divine Truth teachings are the answer to the all our problems and can create long-lasting change, then this will give you a small taste.

Nicky has listed some useful websites in the comment box after the video if you want to know more.

Please enjoy and thank you so much for making the film Nicky…and to all those who took part in it. Wonderful stuff!

 

If there is any issue with the link – please go to youtube and put in the search bar “The Divine Truth Volunteer Training Programme.

with  love

Maxine

 

 

What I’m Learning About The Environment & Land Recovery

One of my other passions and interests has been the planet and the care/lack of care we take of it. It is so incredibly beautiful, but more than that gives and gives us a wonderful home, providing everything we need. God is a great creator and if we just observe nature, we learn so much about Her, and her Love, intelligence, creation, art, Science, Maths and much  more as well as how we can live. The blog I have re-posted is by Peter, who was an Australian Sheep Farmer and is now finding a new way of working and living on the land: God’s way. Simple, logical tips for bringing the soil back to it’s natural nutrient rich self.

DEAR GOD...

I have spent much of my life so far focused on Results. If I want to plant a tree, I want to plant it now. In the past I was happy spending lots of money bringing in big machinery like tractors and graders to get instant results that then take even more money to maintain the projects long term. It was a very costly and an extremely ineffective way to heal land destruction.

Over the past few years I have had the privilege of seeing how Jesus looks after his land and shares his thoughts on how to make loving eco systems and help with environmental recovery. There is a talk on the Divine Truth website that covers a lot of this information in detail called ‘Creating Loving Eco Systems‘ and can be found at the links you will find at the bottom of this post*.

The information…

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Positive Benefits

Note to self, but also a sharing for those of you interested and curious about why the Divine Love Path ( The Way) is so amazing. Written by Eloisa, who is more progressed in Love than I am ( this is no judgement on self – just the truth) and so is writing from her own experience all the big pluses of being building a relationship with God…

DEAR GOD...

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I notice that Jesus & Mary always help us to see and understand the benefits of applying Principle’s of God’s Truth to our lives and I am seeing how this helps to inspire personal desire to try stuff in my own life.

This blog is just to share how awesome I feel it is when I do have a go at applying Principle’s of God’s Truth to my life, or even have an intention to do so! (I am presently going through an excited patch of discovery, smile).

A few of the benefits I have discovered of experimenting with honouring God’s Truth, having an intention to live in harmony with God’s Laws and aspiring to Love as God Loves are as follows:

You learn HEAPS about yourself (your whole soul – as you open up to it), others, children, God; actually as much and about as many subjects as you…

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Itsy Bitsy Truth and Updates

me and robby edit 2

I feel I want to be honest in where I am at right now and in my relationship with Robby, and with God. The journey of writing this blog is part of my own spiritual journey to know God, to know myself, which includes the other half of my soul: my soul mate. During this journey I have written in facade, in addiction and hopefully some truth. I still have emotions about being judged and disliked, of being attacked and hurt for not being “perfect.” But I have realised I have to face these fears and share as truthfully as I am able at this time, because I have a desire to share Divine Truth, to be in harmony with Love and to share my journey in the hope it invites some of you to try the experiment and seek God’s Way of Love, which I feel to be beautiful and unique in it’s power to change us and change this world. Most of the Divine Truth I share will come via Jesus and Mary, and any other “truth” is likely to be my personal truth. As you listen, question, feel and investigate for yourself. I suggest that all you need to do is to be open and bear with me as I try to express what is in my heart. If you want to know more ( and hear a much better explanation of what I am talking about) please go to divinetruth.com.

In the last few weeks I have suddenly realised that I am smiling a lot (its been a while) , with the feeling that I am blessed to have discovered what I have, since I first heard of AJ/Jesus, and what I continue to discover about the Way of God’s Love. And I smile, not at any special time, it is just in ordinary moments: when I am walking to work; putting out the rubbish; strolling round the shops buying vegetables; driving or the other day I was just sitting in a car wash after my car was in the flight path of a dozen seagulls. This was the third time in a week so it felt like an another attack. It was most certainly the law of attraction showing me something, but as I sat in the car wash, I was so grateful I knew about God’s law of attraction: this wonderful gift that constantly presents itself to show what we still need to heal and what is healed. I haven’t always liked it, sometimes I have screamed at it when it seemed painful or I just haven’t got what it was showing me. And to be honest even after I heard about it in one of the Divine Truth talks, I didn’t really take on board that paying attention to it would be really helpful! That is what happens when our brain hears something, but we don’t really want to hear it on a soul level – mostly because we are in denial or resistance and hold error in our soul that is challenged by the truth we are presented. However, something has finally sunk in ( 2 years later ) and I have started to pay attention and feel the truth of it more in my soul. So when something happens I can ask: Ok, so what is God trying to show me? If I do that and soften my heart I can feel the answer. If I soften and be humble then my guides can also help me. Now I can really start to appreciate the gift that it is. Funny thing is we feel God as so distant and yet he talks to us constantly through his laws and the love that created them.

In many ways this has been the most challenging two months since I discovered Divine Truth just over 3 years ago, so smiling a lot is an interesting development and proof that the more we feel our error, the more we feel joy: we just feel more! Some truth that Mary shared with me after I wrote for some advice, dropped a bomb in the life that Robby and I shared. A life that was comfortable, but plodding on. We had a certain cosiness and routine with each other, but little passion or deep connection. Also, I had been working in a job for a few months that I realised had a small amount of  soul desire in it, but many addictions and I felt trapped and drained: trapped in my job, trapped in my addictions, trapped by my fears; trapped by a low income: surviving but not really living. I was stuck in a rut and felt that for some reason my soul condition had degraded and I couldn’t work out why. At the same time I had been reading the Padgett Messages and continued to listen to Divine Truth videos and there was a stirring of increased desire to have a relationship with God and heal my soul. I knew about God’s Way of Love, but hadn’t been living it and was and am blocked to receiving God’s love: I am still not on the path; still not walking the walk. I wrote to Mary and received a reply. Jesus and Mary don’t always reply to emails. If they feel you are in addiction it is not loving to reply and meet you addiction, just as a loving person would not give an alcoholic a beer.  As they will testify, I have written in addiction a number of times (awkward smile). It is not loving of me to do that, but in my wounded state, my avoidance of feeling the real emotion, my fingers tap away and I click on send. I  have realised when I feel compelled to write I must not: a compulsion is an addiction so stop!

This time, despite some addiction in my email, that stirring of desire for God, meant I received a truthful and loving  (and ever patient)  reply. I had to face some harsh truths about my unloving behaviour at work, represented in my rebelliousness and arrogance. This happens to a lot of us who try to follow the Divine Love Path. We listen to a number of Jesus’ talks, understand them very intellectually and think we know what love and truth is and in the end we end up using these Divine Truths ( what we think they are – not what they actually are) to feel superior, be condescending and arrogant. All addiction! All unloving! And for me, it’s to avoid feeling inferior, insecure and worthless. I thought I was doing the right thing – I called it truth, but when Mary said not, and I felt about it, it felt very yukky. Getting past the shame, I then felt what I thought was loving to myself and others was actually arrogant and very unloving. No wonder I felt my soul had degraded. Jesus and Mary are both more progressed than I am and have received God’s love so I listen to what they say. It’s not that I can’t question it and I feel it’s good to, but most importantly I feel the truth of what they tell me in my soul – not all of it ( If I did I would be more progressed than I am!), but certainly parts that I am ready and willing to hear and feel, enter my soul. In the spirit world, spirits (people) that are more progressed in love and truth have brighter spirit bodies. If they are brighter than us, they have more truth and love in their soul (which we can also feel) and it is humble to listen to what they tell us. The brighter the spirit the more truth they have. Jesus and Mary feel like that. I may not see their spirit bodies, but I can feel they have more love, that they know more truth. They are not just talking the Way, they are walking it – as they have for 2000 years – and this too inspires me to listen to them and try to walk the same path.

The other painful truth that came up for me in the email, was that Robby’s addiction to spirits and his addiction to be looked after was currently his main motivation for being with me, and of course I was meeting his addiction to be looked after with my own addiction to rescuing others and to avoid a feeling of aloneness in me. Hence, co-dependency. This hit me like a truck. It hit me because I had already started to realise it, but had put my head in the sand. Also, I was doing yet another “caring” job, as I have done for 30 years, as I have done most of my life, but about that time I had begun to feel how depleted I was and how much grief I had about forgetting myself. It is not that Robby and I care nothing for each other, but that we still both have so much error in us and so little knowledge of real love, our relationship is unhealthy and unloving ( in God’s eyes) in many ways. At times we have felt we were soul mates and yet neither of us is in a condition to know that for certain. Something has kept us together  – whether that is a soul mate connection or addiction is as yet unclear.

For the first weeks after Mary’s email I emotionally left the relationship completely….if it could be called that, as we both fear intimacy so much. Much of what we have had has been addiction and facade. Though, I will say we have also triggered much in each other which has also helped us progress in certain areas and I feel we have learned how to be a bit more loving with each other and I am very grateful to the truth that Robby has told me. He is much more fearless in saying what he feels than me. It has not been easy, and after the first 2-3 weeks of a honeymoon period we have either hit big periods of triggering, projected and received anger, been confused and hurt with intermittent periods that were more peaceful, but would have included the facade of happiness often created by co-dependency. Emotionally leaving the relationship was caused by huge fears that came up for me, that I didn’t allow myself to feel. Instead I froze in my fear and closed my heart. Robby, of course, felt it, but was confused by the suddenness and cause and I was initially too scared to say anything. Coincidentally, he went home to Belguim for 10 days and I will be honest and say I was glad of the break. Of course, I was running away and living in my fears.

Eventually, Robby and I talked. It wasn’t comfortable, but what I find amazing is that every time that happens, every time we talk more truthfully, and don’t live in the fear, it feels so much better: a weight is lifted and we are able to feel our emotions better. So we had to admit our addictions with each other (those we are aware of), but then face the fact that until we had more of a relationship with ourselves, having a relationship with someone else was impossible. Also, what became apparent was I have a greater desire for God than Robby and at the moment he is resistant and angry at God and not wanting to listen to Divine Truth. This is painful for me because I wanted to share this path with someone and avoid that loneliness I really feel inside. So now I can’t avoid it: which is good.

Robby and I have decided that we must break out of our addictions and one thing we have both have faith in is that if we are soul mates, being in more truth and love will eventually bring us back together again in a more loving way or if we are not, allow us to separate, peacefully. Love and truth is, after all, the magnetism that draws a soul mate to you. If we are not with our soul mate at this time that may include the truth that we don’t really want to meet our soul mate, because our fear is too great or our gender issues are blocking the relationship.

So for now, Robby has a real desire to experiment and follow his desires. He has never really done this: he was so shut down as a child by his parents, never seen as an individual who had the right and free will to discover his passions. He lost his will very early on and now has a desire to find his will again and find ways to open his heart and expand his soul. He has decided he would like to do this by working in area of need in the world: do something meaningful, that will take him out of his comfort zone. For him, he has decided he wants to volunteer in Nepal, following the earthquake. He has set up an appeal for funds and been putting lots of energy into making it happen and trying to embrace the journey of all that it brings up for him.

When I wrote to Mary, I wanted to quit my job, but I decided initially to return to work, but with more humility and from that place decide what to do. So for the last couple of months, I have been working with a new attitude and awareness. I have been watching out for that rebellious and arrogant streak, trying to be more humble to what comes up for me. It is an absolute journey for me, as it will be for many of us, having learned to shut down my emotions as a child and continued to add to that all my adult life. So my constant prayer at the moment is to be a river of emotion, rather than a rock of numbness. I am using my bit of will to love, by softening to my law of attraction and the emotions it encourages me to feel. I have had some fear triggered, though have yet to fully surrender to the terror. And I have had grief about the loss of myself and the false belief that my needs don’t matter and to the loss of my dreams, loving desire and passions. In the feeling of my grief, I have begun to remember the things that make my heart sing: music, art, ballet. I started to draw again and love it and I am not worrying about the result, just enjoying the experiment. I have cried when I have watched dance and felt the desire in my soul and body to move and in that I have been guided and found a teacher who is willing to teach a 48 year old ballet! There is more to feel so that I create the funds to make this happen. I went to an open day at an local art college and for the first time for a very long time I felt alive and connected to the real me: I could have flown home that day and one of the courses there made my heart sing. It was wonderful.

Returning to work with more humility has allowed me to feel that I need to step back and out of my addiction to rescue. It is just helping me avoid myself, and the fear that I am so awful, and unlovable. Also, I have a lot of anger and grief about service, false beliefs that love is sacrifice and it affects my life hugely. I need to feel these emotions as I want to have a more pure desire to serve. On Monday I handed in my notice and signed up with a teaching agency: it will allow me flexibility and hopefully time to pursue my desires to follow the Way, to do my art and my writing and in the process the best way to serve. I have an interview for an illustration degree (yay!). I do not yet have the funds, but I know my desire for this is everything and changes everything. I am going to let myself experiment and play. I am terrified about how I will survive financially; I am terrified of not being in control, of, as Jesus puts it, “letting go of all the balls;” I am terrified of the chance my dreams may not come true; terrified of many things. However, I know that triggering my fears is one of the biggest gifts I can give myself. I know fear has been leading my life, giving a false sense of security, but keeping me shriveled and not really alive – far away from God and far away from my real self. Fear is my very real and painful prison, but only I hold the key to my freedom. I have to want it and I have some faith that as soon as I put the key in the lock to turn it, I will be surprised that the door will fly open. In her blog, Mary describes feeling our fear as jumping out of the plane. We need to jump: I need to jump; I am starting to want to jump because I want to know me and I want to know my parent. I have now moved from crouching in the cabin of the plane and feel I am standing at the door – most of the time, though still holding on for now. But I am taking action at last.

I am curious about God, this Being, this Creator, our Parent, because as I read more about God and God’s love and as I hear more about Divine truth I long, even more,to really feel this love, to understand its source. I am terrified of love too, because I have so many false beliefs around it, but there is a stirring of faith that God’s love is something so special, so wondrous, that when I do eventually feel it, I will wonder why I waited so long and laugh at my own foolishness for choosing fear instead, for so long.

I am so grateful for discovering the teachings of Jesus – the real teachings of a soul that has been closer to God that any other human I feel – so far. Because we can all do what he has done, what he is doing, what Mary is doing. God made us all equal and equally capable of following her Way. I have some barriers to break down to be able to receive God’s love and say I am really walking the path and I want to share my journey, because this truth is so awesome and in the sharing of my own journey I also learn. I feel there is still some narcissism  and addiction in my sharing, but I know if I am open, God will show me how to purify me desire to write and serve, and the more humble I become so it shall be. But I also know (intellectually) that it’s ok to not be perfect and to allow this to be a journey where I will still keep tripping up for now.  My main goal right now is to look at my resistance and blocks to God and receiving his love and to be that river – the river of humility, feeling everything, discovering who God intended me to be, discovering what it is like to feel the flow of Divine Love in me and experience it’s power for change in my soul.

So this is update on where we are: my attempt at less facade and more truth. It is a bit bitty, but I hope helpful.

I want to end this post with a quote from the Padgett messages: some incredible Channelings to James Padgett at the beginning of the 20th Century. Many of the spirits are Celestials and talk of Divine Truth, Divine Love, Spirit World and other topics. I highly recommend them ( see extras page). This quote is from Volume One, from Solomon of the Old Testament. It truly touched my soul and I have re- read it a many times and intend to follow his advice. Here it is:

What is the greatest thing in all the world?

Prayer and faith on the part of mortals; and Love – the Divine Love – on the part of God. The latter is waiting, and the former causes it to enter into the souls of men.

No other truths are so great and momentous to men.

Let what I say sink deep into your memory, and try the experiment. I know you do try, but try and then try and never cease trying. Love will come to you and with It faith, and then knowledge and then ownership.

love Maxine ( trying and trying, again and again…)