Dennis Arthur Falloon (My Dad/ Big brother)

My father recently passed and even though I know he continues his life, in his spirit body and that he is still the same man, really in the early stages of a life that will continue for a long time, I felt so many emotions because the story of me and my dad is complicated. I have gone from angry, confused, very sad and grieving and full of regret. I am still in the process of unravelling and allowing all this to move through me. It is coming in fits and starts. Not a river, but more like someone turning the tap on and then off again.

The other part of this is that lately God has been showing me in many law of attraction events that working through my block to Him in relation to how I feel about men and myself in relation to men is really vital right now, if I am to progress. The emotions and beliefs I currently hold are blocking me from my true Father. God’s truth is that the person I understand as my father is in fact an older brother, who had the role of caring and teaching me. I can say and understand this intellectually, but I don’t know this in my heart, which means I don’t know this at all. To think God is my father, to read this, to hear this from Jesus (in fact my dad stuff also affects how I feel about Jesus) – and Mary, is one thing, but to know this truth deep in my heart is really knowing it, really feeling it and that is an emotion I don’t have and in fact I am not yet truly convinced emotions will help me. It is in my thoughts a lot and maybe a few times in my life I have opened the door of my heart slightly to feel what this means, but mostly I can’t and I can’t because my experience of “father” has been difficult, confusing, frustrating and mostly painful and I have held on to the emotions, either in denial, resistance and/or fear.

How we feel about father, about men comes through the belief systems of our parents and environment. So how my mother feels about men, how my father feels about himself as well as other prominent people in our younger lives, whether it is grandparents, teachers or others. Some of these beliefs are generational and some from our parents experiences. Then to add to that are our experiences with our fathers and other men around as children, and how that effects future relationships with men. From those causes come the effects of how we relate to male relationships and how we view ourselves in those relationships. The most powerful effects come from us holding onto these emotions, suppressing them as children and then as adults. Sadly, most of us are trained to suppress our emotion, which means most of us are living in the fear and other negative emotions created from our childhood.  Even if you think your childhood was okay, you may only have to examine your current life and your relationships to get an idea if you are carrying mistaken beliefs or error-based emotions in you.

For myself, I have a number of things I am clearly aware of and many others that have yet to come to light for me to fully understand and Jesus teaches that these awareness’s all need to be feelings and not just thoughts for me to really know why I do what I do.

My father was 22 when he married my mother, who was just turning 18 and most of my life I have heard my mother’s version of what happened in that marriage. She claimed my father was distant and violent. She described him pulling her down the stairs by her hair and other such stories all culminating in the day he left, well abandoned us, leaving my mum a single parent with two small children. This was about 8-9 years after they married. After he left at some point, mum and I and my younger brother, Dean moved into a caravan. We had very little money and I can remember mum begging the lady in the shop for some bread to give us some toast. My mum’s family did not help and apparently not my father either. During that period my mum had a male friend visit. He had been one of our neighbours in our previous house and was going through a divorce himself. It wasn’t too long before they decided to get married and within a year or so mum had had my other brother.

Mum was married to him for about 5 years or so and it was not a good time. I don’t remember my father’s violence, but I do remember my step-father’s. I remember my mother’s breakdown and suicide attempts were during this time ( probably what would now be post natal depression on top of the abuse that went on). We were all vigilant when he was there. He ruled the house through fear. At that time I was very grateful that we lived in the countryside and could roam out of the house most of the day. Also, at that time mum was friends with the vicar from our previous home. He was regular visitor and I went on brownie camps with him and others. There was something odd about him and I can remember some uncomfortable feelings around him and even writing this brings up fear in me.

This whole period wasn’t good, and many things happened: some I remember and a lot of it is still blanked out. I started to have regular nightmares, repetitive and frightening and ones that I felt I had to cope with alone. My mum got away from this marriage, when she met someone else and with his help and a couple of friends we were woken one night, put in a car in our night clothes and moved out of our home. We slept in the home of my mother’s new partner, who was to become my second step father and with two new step sisters. Like many in those days, we were not really told anything or asked how we were. We just had to accept the changes.

Out of all of my mother’s relationships this was probably the best. He wasn’t violent, but they were very focused on each other. Life did not settle and my mum still seemed affected, histrionic and unpredictable. I do not need to go into all that happened, but all I knew was I felt very alone, was often and continuing from my younger years, the parent/carer to my mother. I couldn’t wait to leave home.

My step father was very hot and cold and I never knew where I stood with him and there was period where he disappeared, left my mum in a meltdown and me caring for her and my two brothers. He had a strong belief that we all needed to earn our keep and when I was 10, in the first year we knew him I was cooking bar food in the kitchens of a pub we lived in and ran. It felt like we had to earn “love.”

So I could summarise my experiences of fathers as distant, disapproving, untrustworthy, weak, angry, frightening, abandoning, emotionally and physically absent, and never feeling good enough to be loved, love was very conditional on me being “good” in their eyes and earning the right to it. I felt very unseen and unheard and lost. I now realise this is how I feel about God. I have projected all my dad emotions onto Him, feeling his disapproval, distance, anger and feeling totally unloved and unlovable, like I am the only child he will never accept. So I think about wanting to receive God’s love, but with all these negative emotions I am too frightened to open my heart to my version of God.

On top of that I felt and heard all of my mother’s feelings and beliefs about men: they are weak, useless, selfish. A good man would provide for a woman, make her feel safe and secure. Mum was never satisfied with the finances we had. Being married was seen as proof of your “alrightness” as a woman. She indicated that sex was unpleasant and their physical bits ugly. Yet at the same time I had to act like a lady. I was not allowed to pass wind or swear and had to sit nicely, have long hair (that’s what men preferred). Lot’s of messages that I had to perform and present a facade of nice, good. Her ideal man for me would be someone earning a good amount of money and demonstrate his love to me with gifts and holidays etc. That was her dream really, one she never got.

I have told you all this just to give an example of some of the beliefs and emotions that effected me and many of you will relate to too and it was through all these filters, all these beliefs and all the damaging emotions from these experiences that I went out into the world with. I had also gone to an all girls school, had no confidence in myself and so the idea of men and relationship terrified me. I was too terrified to touch myself, let alone let someone do it. Mum had made me feel ashamed and scared of my own body and feelings and other childhood experiences had left me with no real sense of myself or my boundaries and many dark moments happened from that space.

My father had left when I was 4 or 5 and I didn’t hear from him until I had left home, was living in London aged 19. I had a call out of the blue. We met up. I remember two visits and some letters and I can’t remember what happened, but at some point he disappeared from my life again. As the years went by there were two occasions when I turned up at his house out of the blue. One time, when my brother wanted to meet him, and another when my son was about 2 or 3. Each time we would have contact for a while and for one reason or another he seemed to disappear again. So the last time I saw him physically was about 20 years ago. In the last 3 years my brother contacted him and met up with him and he and his family even went to stay with my father for a few days. I wasn’t asked to join them, but I did start an email communication with my father. The last email was last summer when I told him I had had the all clear from cancer, he replied and I replied to him, but then he didn’t reply back. What I didn’t know was that about that time he was being diagnosed with cancer, but one that he never recovered from and so he passed just over two weeks ago.

After my father left us, he did meet someone, remarried and had two more sons. These two sons were the ones who decided we needed to be told our father had passed and they have been truly kind and understanding and invited Dean and I to the funeral last week. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and also we have discovered lots about our father we didn’t know. He had many friends and family at his funeral and he was described as gentle, loving children and nature. I felt immense grief and still do. I am very sad that we didn’t get to know each other better; I am very sad that many years were wasted because of my fears and hurt, but also because of my father’s hurt too. He would come towards us, but then for whatever reason back away again so that I felt unloved and unaccepted again and again. I also felt that because I look like my mother, he could not see beyond that to ME. He was very traumatised by what happened with my mother and is the reason he said that he could not maintain contact with us – it was like he was afraid of her and her behaviour.

The information we have had about dad certainly changes the story my mother has relayed all these  years and she did not respond well to knowing we wanted to go to his funeral, meaning that my father’s passing has also triggered some dark emotions about my mother and how much she was a block to us getting to know and have some sort of relationship with our father and how she may have manipulated the truth because of her own fears and anger.  I am struggling to put all the pieces together, and can only now continue to let myself fall into the emotions that arise from all this.  I am switching between romanticising my father, to trying to see the truth and to find the balance, as well as not blaming myself for not contacting him, even though I can see I was avoiding another “rejection.” But it has been really good to find out more, to feel things and to want to continue to.

It has made me acutely aware of the filters through which we see and feel things and how as children we absorb emotionally so much, so many beliefs and so many emotions from our parents: all of it obscuring the truth. I want to be able to separate God (as father) from my father as my father (rather than the older brother who was given the opportunity to be my temporary father, guide and teacher). I want to be able to separate my feelings about my earthly father from my heavenly Father, but I can’t right now. It is all overlapping and difficult, but it is just as it is and until I feel more about my father and my relationship with him and my step-fathers it won’t happen.

I am also learning that thinking something really doesn’t work. I am a great thinker, I have spent much of my life in my head, trying to figure things out and getting exhausted in the process so I know it doesn’t work. It may give a temporary fix- up, but it is a plaster over a gaping wound and the only thing that will heal that gaping wound will be to open up that wound and let all the pus (feelings) out so that it is clean and ready to let in truth and heal. I was a nurse and I know how wounds heal; I know we have to clean them to allow the new cells to grow. If we don’t clean out the yucky stuff there is no room for the new. It is the same with the error/emotional damage in us; it is the pus, that once removed allows us to feel the truth of a situation and that is what sets us free.

So through the process of allowing feelings to move through us, however long they may have been in us. If I allow this now about my father, I will find out the truth about him, but also most powerfully, I will understand better who my true Father is and then and only then will I develop trust that he loves me and wants to give me His love and then I will let it in.

It is very easy to look at this spiritual path I have found – The Way of God’s Love, and say yes I want to feel God’s love, but the truth is I don’t right now. Because of the injuries I have around fathers (and subsequently men) I feel too afraid to let God’s love in, or even trust that God loves me and wants to give me His Love.

Today I heard Jesus say that we are often putting all our energy into trying to change ourselves in order to receive God’s love. We have got it all wrong, because it is receiving God’s Love that will change us, transform us. So starting with trying to change ourselves – which is bloody hard work, exhausting and often pointless, because we are often coming from our minds and willpower – we should be looking at what stops us emotionally from letting God’s love in NOW and then working through those beliefs and emotions so that we can then let this Love in and let God transform us.

The penny finally dropped with me today on that! I have been so addicted to trying to improve myself, to be perfect so that my parents might love me and accept me, I have not seen the truth of allowing God’s power to transform me and therefore not seen the true power of humility (having a passionate longing to feel all my beliefs and emotions all of the time, no matter what anyone else thinks or feels).

The other wonderful thing is that God knows which emotions I am able to deal with right now and shows me daily by the law of attraction what ones to focus on, so I don’t even need to mentally work that out! All I need to do is pay attention and be willing to feel what comes up.

So for me this time with my dad and about my dad is an incredible opportunity to experience emotions I have had buried for a long time. I have gained some understanding this week about my father, but I can feel I have much more inside. So I pray to go there, to have the courage to do it and be grateful for all that comes.

So if you are struggling to with how you feel about God – that you doubt He is even there; that if He is he is just to awful or frightening, take time to list all the things you feel about Him and then have the honesty and willingness to see that all the things you feel are how you may feel about your parents or other adults around you (including religious ones) and try to separate God from that as you do. I have longed all my life for a father who loved me totally and unconditionally, who found something special in me, accepted me, and wanted the best for me. Because of my emotional injuries, I have tried to make my father something he wasn’t or even in the times he may have tried to do this not believed he did and I do need to find some peace through this by releasing emotions. However, the crazy thing is my dream father does exist and has done all along: my true Father God and when I get to feel this truly – wow! What a day that will be!

But in the meantime, I continue to search emotionally with and for my earthly father (probably in error and truth in different moments) and I hope through my own mediumship and emotions that I may talk to him again at some point. Or maybe I won’t need to if I feel the emotions, who knows? And I have a process of forgiveness and repentance to go through too. I do wish him well though, and I do hope he seeks his true Father too. I am still dreaming I can feel… that is where I am at…

Dennis Arthur Falloon, may you ask and it will be given to you: seek and you will find: knock and the door will be opened for you. Have courage and walk with the light ones.

For me, softening, desire, honesty and courage are required. I am fortunate enough to even have an awareness of all these different things as taught by Jesus and Mary: they have given detailed instruction on how to clean that wound – it’s all a case of whether I really listen and act accordingly, or even want to. I feel my journey with my father/Father will continue for some time, all dependent on my own will, but in the meantime I hope my own reflections help you with your own.


When I was 5 you came to bring us gifts of love

Made with your own two hands.

A garage for my brother and a dolls house for me,

But I had a sinking feeling,

A look on your face, I didn’t want to see.

You knelt and spoke and I felt so sad,

Like my heart would break in two

As you walked back to your car.

My heart cried out, “Do you feel it too?”


I lost you that day for a further 15 years,

But I am sure I didn’t even cry or let out tears.

Because life got tough and no one replaced you.

In fact, I spent my time hoping it wasn’t all true.

So after 15 years you called me on the phone,

I was shocked, afraid, but hopeful,

I’d been feeling so alone.

We met, we talked, but it wasn’t simple.

I carried my scars and fears on the way,

You didn’t really understand

And you disappeared again one day.


This happened again and again through all my adult years.

I didn’t know how to be myself;

I longed for acceptance from you.

But I constantly felt rejected,

Even if it wasn’t true.


I wish you had persevered

And not given up on me.

I wish we could talk right now,

Because I can finally see.

I saw our story through my mother’s eyes

And other hurt that happened,

Didn’t make me wise.


You also had your story so you sometimes locked up your heart

And now I struggle to understand

What happened, what wasted times

Were spent apart.

Cause a part of me from long ago

The little me I feel

Turned into woman now, is still not able to heal.

Because I still wish for you and hold you in my heart

Mixed up with bewilderment

Of why we were kept apart.


So now you have passed through the mists

To the other side,

I pray to feel the emotions

I have kept locked up inside.

To grieve all the broken dreams of you,

And set myself free,

So that maybe one day

We can talk again and you will sit with me.

That we will find peace with this,

And can let each other go,

And be as God intended

As only He can know.


May we know our brother-sisterhood,

Instead of clinging on to pain.

And knowing our true Father

Can love each other freely,

Without self-gain.


I’m sorry that it couldn’t be

What it was meant to be,

But I have some faith, that one day I will know

That God loves me truly

As he does you too:

Where-ever we go,

Whatever we do.

We are both his children.

And to feel that deep inside,

Will be the greatest gift of all.

Where true love does reside.

@Maxine Bell 2017



Hi everyone,

I am really excited to share an amazing video today made by Nicky Primetica, who has a website called Nicky has been experimenting with Divine Truth and God’s way of love for about 3 years and along with my friend Courtney and others were invited to participate in a Volunteer Programme over in Australia for about 9 weeks. The Volunteer Programme is based on God’s Way of Love. It is the Divine Truth teachings in action and may help you understand my enthusiasm for these teachings and the impact I believe they can have in the world if we follow them and the example of those who are walking The Way.

The video, also ties in very nicely, with the previous blog I published by Peter Lytton -Hitchins, about land recovery. God’s Way of Love, of course, includes caring for our environment and it’s creatures and this video shows some of the method’s being used by Jesus and others to improve, re-nourish and enliven the land, and to live in harmony with it.

For me personally, this video is also feeding my own desire to attend the Volunteer Induction Programme. My desire is growing every day and is even there in my sleep state. The induction programme is a little different to the Volunteer Training Programme in this video. The training programme is for those who have already shown a sincere desire to serve, where at the Induction Programme is a trial to see if you have a true desire to serve and a willingness to be humble and seek God. There is a specific criteria for attending that Mary has published so please read this first if you have an interest in the programme:

The video is nearly 2 hours long, but it well worth watching and if you have been interested or trying to understand why I feel the Divine Truth teachings are the answer to the all our problems and can create long-lasting change, then this will give you a small taste.

Nicky has listed some useful websites in the comment box after the video if you want to know more.

Please enjoy and thank you so much for making the film Nicky…and to all those who took part in it. Wonderful stuff!


If there is any issue with the link – please go to youtube and put in the search bar “The Divine Truth Volunteer Training Programme.

with  love




What I’m Learning About The Environment & Land Recovery

One of my other passions and interests has been the planet and the care/lack of care we take of it. It is so incredibly beautiful, but more than that gives and gives us a wonderful home, providing everything we need. God is a great creator and if we just observe nature, we learn so much about Her, and her Love, intelligence, creation, art, Science, Maths and much  more as well as how we can live. The blog I have re-posted is by Peter, who was an Australian Sheep Farmer and is now finding a new way of working and living on the land: God’s way. Simple, logical tips for bringing the soil back to it’s natural nutrient rich self.


I have spent much of my life so far focused on Results. If I want to plant a tree, I want to plant it now. In the past I was happy spending lots of money bringing in big machinery like tractors and graders to get instant results that then take even more money to maintain the projects long term. It was a very costly and an extremely ineffective way to heal land destruction.

Over the past few years I have had the privilege of seeing how Jesus looks after his land and shares his thoughts on how to make loving eco systems and help with environmental recovery. There is a talk on the Divine Truth website that covers a lot of this information in detail called ‘Creating Loving Eco Systems‘ and can be found at the links you will find at the bottom of this post*.

The information…

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Positive Benefits

Note to self, but also a sharing for those of you interested and curious about why the Divine Love Path ( The Way) is so amazing. Written by Eloisa, who is more progressed in Love than I am ( this is no judgement on self – just the truth) and so is writing from her own experience all the big pluses of being building a relationship with God…



I notice that Jesus & Mary always help us to see and understand the benefits of applying Principle’s of God’s Truth to our lives and I am seeing how this helps to inspire personal desire to try stuff in my own life.

This blog is just to share how awesome I feel it is when I do have a go at applying Principle’s of God’s Truth to my life, or even have an intention to do so! (I am presently going through an excited patch of discovery, smile).

A few of the benefits I have discovered of experimenting with honouring God’s Truth, having an intention to live in harmony with God’s Laws and aspiring to Love as God Loves are as follows:

You learn HEAPS about yourself (your whole soul – as you open up to it), others, children, God; actually as much and about as many subjects as you…

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Itsy Bitsy Truth and Updates

me and robby edit 2

I feel I want to be honest in where I am at right now and in my relationship with Robby, and with God. The journey of writing this blog is part of my own spiritual journey to know God, to know myself, which includes the other half of my soul: my soul mate. During this journey I have written in facade, in addiction and hopefully some truth. I still have emotions about being judged and disliked, of being attacked and hurt for not being “perfect.” But I have realised I have to face these fears and share as truthfully as I am able at this time, because I have a desire to share Divine Truth, to be in harmony with Love and to share my journey in the hope it invites some of you to try the experiment and seek God’s Way of Love, which I feel to be beautiful and unique in it’s power to change us and change this world. Most of the Divine Truth I share will come via Jesus and Mary, and any other “truth” is likely to be my personal truth. As you listen, question, feel and investigate for yourself. I suggest that all you need to do is to be open and bear with me as I try to express what is in my heart. If you want to know more ( and hear a much better explanation of what I am talking about) please go to

In the last few weeks I have suddenly realised that I am smiling a lot (its been a while) , with the feeling that I am blessed to have discovered what I have, since I first heard of AJ/Jesus, and what I continue to discover about the Way of God’s Love. And I smile, not at any special time, it is just in ordinary moments: when I am walking to work; putting out the rubbish; strolling round the shops buying vegetables; driving or the other day I was just sitting in a car wash after my car was in the flight path of a dozen seagulls. This was the third time in a week so it felt like an another attack. It was most certainly the law of attraction showing me something, but as I sat in the car wash, I was so grateful I knew about God’s law of attraction: this wonderful gift that constantly presents itself to show what we still need to heal and what is healed. I haven’t always liked it, sometimes I have screamed at it when it seemed painful or I just haven’t got what it was showing me. And to be honest even after I heard about it in one of the Divine Truth talks, I didn’t really take on board that paying attention to it would be really helpful! That is what happens when our brain hears something, but we don’t really want to hear it on a soul level – mostly because we are in denial or resistance and hold error in our soul that is challenged by the truth we are presented. However, something has finally sunk in ( 2 years later ) and I have started to pay attention and feel the truth of it more in my soul. So when something happens I can ask: Ok, so what is God trying to show me? If I do that and soften my heart I can feel the answer. If I soften and be humble then my guides can also help me. Now I can really start to appreciate the gift that it is. Funny thing is we feel God as so distant and yet he talks to us constantly through his laws and the love that created them.

In many ways this has been the most challenging two months since I discovered Divine Truth just over 3 years ago, so smiling a lot is an interesting development and proof that the more we feel our error, the more we feel joy: we just feel more! Some truth that Mary shared with me after I wrote for some advice, dropped a bomb in the life that Robby and I shared. A life that was comfortable, but plodding on. We had a certain cosiness and routine with each other, but little passion or deep connection. Also, I had been working in a job for a few months that I realised had a small amount of  soul desire in it, but many addictions and I felt trapped and drained: trapped in my job, trapped in my addictions, trapped by my fears; trapped by a low income: surviving but not really living. I was stuck in a rut and felt that for some reason my soul condition had degraded and I couldn’t work out why. At the same time I had been reading the Padgett Messages and continued to listen to Divine Truth videos and there was a stirring of increased desire to have a relationship with God and heal my soul. I knew about God’s Way of Love, but hadn’t been living it and was and am blocked to receiving God’s love: I am still not on the path; still not walking the walk. I wrote to Mary and received a reply. Jesus and Mary don’t always reply to emails. If they feel you are in addiction it is not loving to reply and meet you addiction, just as a loving person would not give an alcoholic a beer.  As they will testify, I have written in addiction a number of times (awkward smile). It is not loving of me to do that, but in my wounded state, my avoidance of feeling the real emotion, my fingers tap away and I click on send. I  have realised when I feel compelled to write I must not: a compulsion is an addiction so stop!

This time, despite some addiction in my email, that stirring of desire for God, meant I received a truthful and loving  (and ever patient)  reply. I had to face some harsh truths about my unloving behaviour at work, represented in my rebelliousness and arrogance. This happens to a lot of us who try to follow the Divine Love Path. We listen to a number of Jesus’ talks, understand them very intellectually and think we know what love and truth is and in the end we end up using these Divine Truths ( what we think they are – not what they actually are) to feel superior, be condescending and arrogant. All addiction! All unloving! And for me, it’s to avoid feeling inferior, insecure and worthless. I thought I was doing the right thing – I called it truth, but when Mary said not, and I felt about it, it felt very yukky. Getting past the shame, I then felt what I thought was loving to myself and others was actually arrogant and very unloving. No wonder I felt my soul had degraded. Jesus and Mary are both more progressed than I am and have received God’s love so I listen to what they say. It’s not that I can’t question it and I feel it’s good to, but most importantly I feel the truth of what they tell me in my soul – not all of it ( If I did I would be more progressed than I am!), but certainly parts that I am ready and willing to hear and feel, enter my soul. In the spirit world, spirits (people) that are more progressed in love and truth have brighter spirit bodies. If they are brighter than us, they have more truth and love in their soul (which we can also feel) and it is humble to listen to what they tell us. The brighter the spirit the more truth they have. Jesus and Mary feel like that. I may not see their spirit bodies, but I can feel they have more love, that they know more truth. They are not just talking the Way, they are walking it – as they have for 2000 years – and this too inspires me to listen to them and try to walk the same path.

The other painful truth that came up for me in the email, was that Robby’s addiction to spirits and his addiction to be looked after was currently his main motivation for being with me, and of course I was meeting his addiction to be looked after with my own addiction to rescuing others and to avoid a feeling of aloneness in me. Hence, co-dependency. This hit me like a truck. It hit me because I had already started to realise it, but had put my head in the sand. Also, I was doing yet another “caring” job, as I have done for 30 years, as I have done most of my life, but about that time I had begun to feel how depleted I was and how much grief I had about forgetting myself. It is not that Robby and I care nothing for each other, but that we still both have so much error in us and so little knowledge of real love, our relationship is unhealthy and unloving ( in God’s eyes) in many ways. At times we have felt we were soul mates and yet neither of us is in a condition to know that for certain. Something has kept us together  – whether that is a soul mate connection or addiction is as yet unclear.

For the first weeks after Mary’s email I emotionally left the relationship completely….if it could be called that, as we both fear intimacy so much. Much of what we have had has been addiction and facade. Though, I will say we have also triggered much in each other which has also helped us progress in certain areas and I feel we have learned how to be a bit more loving with each other and I am very grateful to the truth that Robby has told me. He is much more fearless in saying what he feels than me. It has not been easy, and after the first 2-3 weeks of a honeymoon period we have either hit big periods of triggering, projected and received anger, been confused and hurt with intermittent periods that were more peaceful, but would have included the facade of happiness often created by co-dependency. Emotionally leaving the relationship was caused by huge fears that came up for me, that I didn’t allow myself to feel. Instead I froze in my fear and closed my heart. Robby, of course, felt it, but was confused by the suddenness and cause and I was initially too scared to say anything. Coincidentally, he went home to Belguim for 10 days and I will be honest and say I was glad of the break. Of course, I was running away and living in my fears.

Eventually, Robby and I talked. It wasn’t comfortable, but what I find amazing is that every time that happens, every time we talk more truthfully, and don’t live in the fear, it feels so much better: a weight is lifted and we are able to feel our emotions better. So we had to admit our addictions with each other (those we are aware of), but then face the fact that until we had more of a relationship with ourselves, having a relationship with someone else was impossible. Also, what became apparent was I have a greater desire for God than Robby and at the moment he is resistant and angry at God and not wanting to listen to Divine Truth. This is painful for me because I wanted to share this path with someone and avoid that loneliness I really feel inside. So now I can’t avoid it: which is good.

Robby and I have decided that we must break out of our addictions and one thing we have both have faith in is that if we are soul mates, being in more truth and love will eventually bring us back together again in a more loving way or if we are not, allow us to separate, peacefully. Love and truth is, after all, the magnetism that draws a soul mate to you. If we are not with our soul mate at this time that may include the truth that we don’t really want to meet our soul mate, because our fear is too great or our gender issues are blocking the relationship.

So for now, Robby has a real desire to experiment and follow his desires. He has never really done this: he was so shut down as a child by his parents, never seen as an individual who had the right and free will to discover his passions. He lost his will very early on and now has a desire to find his will again and find ways to open his heart and expand his soul. He has decided he would like to do this by working in area of need in the world: do something meaningful, that will take him out of his comfort zone. For him, he has decided he wants to volunteer in Nepal, following the earthquake. He has set up an appeal for funds and been putting lots of energy into making it happen and trying to embrace the journey of all that it brings up for him.

When I wrote to Mary, I wanted to quit my job, but I decided initially to return to work, but with more humility and from that place decide what to do. So for the last couple of months, I have been working with a new attitude and awareness. I have been watching out for that rebellious and arrogant streak, trying to be more humble to what comes up for me. It is an absolute journey for me, as it will be for many of us, having learned to shut down my emotions as a child and continued to add to that all my adult life. So my constant prayer at the moment is to be a river of emotion, rather than a rock of numbness. I am using my bit of will to love, by softening to my law of attraction and the emotions it encourages me to feel. I have had some fear triggered, though have yet to fully surrender to the terror. And I have had grief about the loss of myself and the false belief that my needs don’t matter and to the loss of my dreams, loving desire and passions. In the feeling of my grief, I have begun to remember the things that make my heart sing: music, art, ballet. I started to draw again and love it and I am not worrying about the result, just enjoying the experiment. I have cried when I have watched dance and felt the desire in my soul and body to move and in that I have been guided and found a teacher who is willing to teach a 48 year old ballet! There is more to feel so that I create the funds to make this happen. I went to an open day at an local art college and for the first time for a very long time I felt alive and connected to the real me: I could have flown home that day and one of the courses there made my heart sing. It was wonderful.

Returning to work with more humility has allowed me to feel that I need to step back and out of my addiction to rescue. It is just helping me avoid myself, and the fear that I am so awful, and unlovable. Also, I have a lot of anger and grief about service, false beliefs that love is sacrifice and it affects my life hugely. I need to feel these emotions as I want to have a more pure desire to serve. On Monday I handed in my notice and signed up with a teaching agency: it will allow me flexibility and hopefully time to pursue my desires to follow the Way, to do my art and my writing and in the process the best way to serve. I have an interview for an illustration degree (yay!). I do not yet have the funds, but I know my desire for this is everything and changes everything. I am going to let myself experiment and play. I am terrified about how I will survive financially; I am terrified of not being in control, of, as Jesus puts it, “letting go of all the balls;” I am terrified of the chance my dreams may not come true; terrified of many things. However, I know that triggering my fears is one of the biggest gifts I can give myself. I know fear has been leading my life, giving a false sense of security, but keeping me shriveled and not really alive – far away from God and far away from my real self. Fear is my very real and painful prison, but only I hold the key to my freedom. I have to want it and I have some faith that as soon as I put the key in the lock to turn it, I will be surprised that the door will fly open. In her blog, Mary describes feeling our fear as jumping out of the plane. We need to jump: I need to jump; I am starting to want to jump because I want to know me and I want to know my parent. I have now moved from crouching in the cabin of the plane and feel I am standing at the door – most of the time, though still holding on for now. But I am taking action at last.

I am curious about God, this Being, this Creator, our Parent, because as I read more about God and God’s love and as I hear more about Divine truth I long, even more,to really feel this love, to understand its source. I am terrified of love too, because I have so many false beliefs around it, but there is a stirring of faith that God’s love is something so special, so wondrous, that when I do eventually feel it, I will wonder why I waited so long and laugh at my own foolishness for choosing fear instead, for so long.

I am so grateful for discovering the teachings of Jesus – the real teachings of a soul that has been closer to God that any other human I feel – so far. Because we can all do what he has done, what he is doing, what Mary is doing. God made us all equal and equally capable of following her Way. I have some barriers to break down to be able to receive God’s love and say I am really walking the path and I want to share my journey, because this truth is so awesome and in the sharing of my own journey I also learn. I feel there is still some narcissism  and addiction in my sharing, but I know if I am open, God will show me how to purify me desire to write and serve, and the more humble I become so it shall be. But I also know (intellectually) that it’s ok to not be perfect and to allow this to be a journey where I will still keep tripping up for now.  My main goal right now is to look at my resistance and blocks to God and receiving his love and to be that river – the river of humility, feeling everything, discovering who God intended me to be, discovering what it is like to feel the flow of Divine Love in me and experience it’s power for change in my soul.

So this is update on where we are: my attempt at less facade and more truth. It is a bit bitty, but I hope helpful.

I want to end this post with a quote from the Padgett messages: some incredible Channelings to James Padgett at the beginning of the 20th Century. Many of the spirits are Celestials and talk of Divine Truth, Divine Love, Spirit World and other topics. I highly recommend them ( see extras page). This quote is from Volume One, from Solomon of the Old Testament. It truly touched my soul and I have re- read it a many times and intend to follow his advice. Here it is:

What is the greatest thing in all the world?

Prayer and faith on the part of mortals; and Love – the Divine Love – on the part of God. The latter is waiting, and the former causes it to enter into the souls of men.

No other truths are so great and momentous to men.

Let what I say sink deep into your memory, and try the experiment. I know you do try, but try and then try and never cease trying. Love will come to you and with It faith, and then knowledge and then ownership.

love Maxine ( trying and trying, again and again…)