The Sin of the Single Life

 

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I am starting to feel the sin of being on my own.

I keep seeing this same advert and there was something about it that really struck me. It is a perfume advert and a man and a woman* are a long distance away from each other and they travel towards each other in a futuristic way. When they arrive at the place they meet they look at each other and they look like the male and female version of each other and it struck me that is how it meant to be – two of us, not just one. I am not just one, I am the other part of someone and being alone as I am currently isn’t normal… it feels as if I am going against my own design. I then felt very sad that I have created and chosen to be on my own right now and not with the other half of me: not as a couple. Why is that?

I feel safer. I can protect my heart and my body, or so I believe, this way.

I can control my life ( this is a big addiction) and do what I want.

I don’t have to “lose myself” to someone else.

There is no one making constant demands on me.

Love for me means someone is going to take and drain me. I don’t feel Love is a gift, I feel it as a threat to my very existence.

I can be selfish and live in my comfort zones.

I can avoid my rage, anger, fear, shame and grief about men, relationships, sex and intimacy. I have a lot of anger that I still suppress and a huge amount of terror, shame and grief.

I can avoid the issues I have with trusting anyone.

I can avoid my terror.

I can avoid the causal emotions that are connected to my parents and the truth of the harm they caused.

I avoid the truth of events that have happened to me, particularly the things that happened in my childhood.

I don’t have to fully face the harm I have done to others in my emotionally injured state. By suppressing my emotions I have created addictions, expectations and demands – anything that helps me avoid painful emotions.

Therefore I don’t want to forgive or repent.

I want to hold onto my false beliefs and addictions and avoid my emotional pain.

 

That is what I am aware of, currently, and I then feel it is such a lot to work through and make excuses. I sometimes chip away at it and educate myself about God’s truth on this, but I still resist it. I pray about my resistance sometimes and my fears and I know this blocks me from receiving God’s Love and Truth. When I feel what I feel about Love why would open to receive it? I know this is a false belief, a fear, a lie in my mind, but my soul is feeling something else and my soul expresses the truth and cannot play tricks like my mind.

God has been showing me a number of things lately in relation to my sexual injuries, so the help is there and maybe I have a small desire to know this and heal it. So I am glad that I felt that when I saw that advert and I love that these small things, especially when we notice them matter: everything matters. We are being so shown so much every day.

I do get lonely, but that can be an addiction too – wanting someone else to stop us feeing alone or unloved and I am aware that even as a child I felt very alone and very different and odd from my family and the world at times. Many times, judged, blamed, shamed, invisible, used and abused– emotions I haven’t released – so it’s not surprising my soul decides that being single is a better option.

I currently see it as the easy option – but a half lived one. I can feel that something is missing and that by choosing to be on my own, to not deal with the blocks to being in a relationship, I am missing out on a gift and a way of being that is my natural state.

Sin, is missing the mark of Love: being single is missing the mark of love because we are refusing that gift, rejecting that natural state – of being with the one person God made us to be with – the other half of ourselves and the potential that offers.

I am starting to see the sin of being on my own.

Maxine

See links below for more information on Soulmate relationships:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38-9LUA_0rc&t=4s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1eDIdXU8YQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDmj5ofhrS4&t=1638s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmigKz-xPBQ&t=318s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW0FkfhUHAc&t=2s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td_RHkRfIj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjBketDnlFs

The Secrets of the Universe talks on the Divine Truth channel also has some information.

There is even more information on partnership relationships on the Divine Truth FAQ channel on youtube as well as other talks on both these channels that are relevant.

*Soulmate relationships are heterosexual or homosexual.

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VULNERABLE WOMEN

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I went to beach today as many things have happened in the last few days that have brought up many different types of feelings in me: from anger, to fear, to sadness, to wonder, to joy, to relief. This is a relatively new experience: consciously choosing to connect with  my feelings, even the yucky ones. The sea seems to allow me better access to these feelings as well as some ponderings.

I sat on a large rock and was feeling some sadness about some things that happened to me as a child as a result of my mother’s anger and frustration at life. Thinking about her, myself and most of the women I come into contact with or observe I see how much we are holding on, how much we do not want to be or appear vulnerable in any way. The reasons for this are very old, of course. Thousands of years where we were treated as a second class citizens with no voice and not even the right to our own bodies. The amount of emotional injuries this has created in use through generations of women, what is passed onto us, and what we experience ourselves is massive. Even reading this will trigger many of you. But the truth is we need to feel it. The wounds around gender for men and women are many and deep: there is alot of repentance, anger and fear as well as huge amounts of grief for us to release. In fact, I believe if we could tackle the gender wounds the world would change beyond recognition.

For me, I have felt and continue to feel many things about gender. How I feel about women is affected by my relationship with my mother and how she feels about women and how my father feels about women. How I feel about men is affected by my father,  and how my mother feels about men. As a daughter I have felt my mother’s rage and I can feel how many women, including myself, have had a simmering rage in them about injustice, low self esteem, the way we are treated, not feeling heard or seen, or being treated as a sexual toy.  But the irony is, in our injured state we seemed to have shut down much of feminine nature. I am not talking about the desire to buy hundred of pairs of shoes, or straighten our hair. For me much of this is actually facade and/or avoidance of our true feelings.

So how have we dealt with our anger?

We have pretended we are not that angry. Instead we have learned to manipulate and control, using sex or other means. We “manage” the household so well, giving instructions left, right and center. Somewhere inside we feel if we control everything we will be safe and no one can hurt us. We become addicted to controlling our environment to feel safe and protected. If someone interferes, be it husband, child or another we feel threatened. It is then we may express our anger or just squash it down, bite our teeth and quietly project our anger out to whoever is in the way. We won’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

We fight back, become more like men ( or how we think men are) : tough, unemotional, free with our drinking and sexual behaviour. We convince ourselves we are equal, even when if we look deep inside, the messages from our environment are still permeating our soul: you are not so capable, you are not as strong, you are not as intelligent, your emotions are a weakness, you need to have sex with me to please me, to keep me; it is my right. We are afraid to be vulnerable.

We end up using our body and sex to manipulate and get what we want and then we deny the damage this has done to us. We are afraid to feel how casual sexual encounters or even dealing with sexual projections makes us feel. We don’t want to acknowledge our regrets or the affect on our self worth. We think if we act like men sexually, we are equal. But still for many in this world, we are not. But even men, are damaged by the false beliefs they are taught about sex. So it goes on, we do what we like, we deny how it made us feel, we don’t deal with what we really feel might be true. We are afraid to be vulnerable.

The irony is, in our efforts, to be “equal”, we become just like the injured men we dislike. We lose touch with our true feminine nature and the beauty of its expression. The irony is, the world needs this feminine nature to exist. It exists in God’s creation and it exists in us, and in men. The world needs our softness, our gentleness, our nuturing feelings, our feminine strength. The world and we need to allow all the gifts God gave us. So let’s admit we are afraid: of being hurt, humilated, and oppressed. Afraid that maybe what we have been told about being second class may be true: good for the kitchen, good for the bedroom and maybe not alot else. Of course, this is not true. In God’s eyes we are all her children: all equal, all equally loved and valued. It is our false beliefs, our wounded selves that created the untruths. To heal the wounded self, we need to be truthful about what we really feel, allow ourselves to feel it so that it can leave our soul and if you choose, pray for God’s help and love. ( For me things work quicker when I do that).

I have been the holder- on, the control freak, the silent angry, terrified woman projecting everywhere. I have been sexual injured many times in many ways and certainly not known how to love myself in this space. I walked in shame, blame and blamed. I have been tough, a survivor, a warrior, a fighter. What I haven’t been until now ( and it comes slowly) is myself, a woman loving and celebrating her vulnerability. What I haven’t been is powerfully gentle and soft. What I haven’t been is self- honouring and true to myself, not matter what pressure from outside forces. What I haven’t been is sexually free to say NO. Until now…. and now I am enjoying feeling the shift; I am enjoying finding out the truth of my anger, fear and grief; I am enjoying my recovery and discovery.

Even though this was written for and about women mostly, I know there is a similar journey for men. What a wonderful world it would be if we all did this: allowed ourselves to be vulnerable, to be open, to be truthful and to sit with each other as human beings, as children of God: accepting and accepted, loved and loving.

What a wonderful world it would be…