IMAGINE…

I live in the UK and two days ago our government voted to bring back the Trident missile. I felt so incredibly sad. A few facts:

It could cost up to £97bn – in a time of so-called austerity.

Each of the submarines can carry up to 16 Trident II D-5 submarine-launched ballistic missiles (SLBMs), with each missile capable of carrying up to 12independently targetable nuclear warheads.

Each Trident missile has a range of up to 7,500 miles (12,000km) and is accurate to within a few feet.

Their destructive power is estimated as the equivalent of eight Hiroshimas. The Hiroshima bomb killed 140,000 people and damaged countless others.

The UK deploys 16 Trident missiles on each of its four Vanguard-class submarines, of which one is on patrol at all times.

The Scottish branch of CND estimate that if Trident was used to bomb Moscow that 3 million would die, including 750,000 children. This figure does not include secondary problems because of the pollution of water supplies, destruction of homes and general devastation would result in secondary problems with disease, as well as the possible effect on the world climate. These bombs can be nothing less than genocidal.

As a teenager in the 1980’s the cold war was at its height and we very much felt that it was possible someone would press that button. We talked about it at break-times at school: what would we do if we had just three minutes left? Who would we want to be with? What would be our last action, thought or feeling? We talked about in it our lessons and it there were programmes on a possible post holocaust world.

We were told how many would survive, and if they did what kind of life it would be, how the world would be full of dust and that we would need to stay below ground for a long period and then even if we did survive the chance of cancer, genital defects, infertility, starvation were high. But the truth was most would die in the blast, because it was felt that if one person pressed that button, then the other country  would press their’s in retaliation.

What a pointless exercise and very clearly demonstrated in the 1983 film “War Games,” where a teenage computer whizz-kid accidentally taps into the government supercomputer WOPR (War Operation Plan Response): originally programmed to predict the outcome of a nuclear war. The teenager ( Matthew Broderick) simulates a nuclear war believing it to be a computer game, but because the computer is now connected to nuclear warheads it is hard to know if it is a simulation or reality. The government, the people who run the computer do not know for sure if world war three has been started and so starts a very serious situation. In the end the teenager finds the inventor of the computer and within seconds of an actual real launch of a nuclear warhead they realise the computer is just calculating all possible outcomes. It is a great film and what was the computer’s discovery: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A WINNABLE WAR!

We know this to be true: centuries of war have demonstrated that no one truly wins. How can a war ever be good, when so many lives are lost, so much damage done and even those that survive are left with huge emotional scars. Violence begets violence. Gandhi said, ” An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.” So true. We supposedly won World War One and Two, but at what cost? Millions of young men shot down in their prime; millions of others dead, tortured; millions of women, children, families suffering incredible loss and pain, a changed world, heavy with grief. I know the reason is we had to stop the madness of Hitler, but maybe we should ask what created Hitler? What part did we all play that he could and did rise to power, despite his seemingly mental and emotional instability and injuries?

My grandfather was a young soldier in the World War One. Like many, he lied about his age to serve his country and was thrown into the horrors of the battlefields of northern France and the Netherlands. He did not speak about it. He only showed me a scar on his leg from shrapnel, but never told me what he experienced there. They were in fact told not to tell people what happened there in case it disturbed the masses, so to speak. I discovered more about that when I read Pat Barker’s fictional ( though based in certain facts) trilogy of novels about the psychological damage/shell shock when I did an English degree. It was shocking and sad how soldiers were treated and silenced. Again, how did we get to the point of creating a world war? Any war?

For me, the issue is about not creating those conditions for war in the first place. War has and will always sadden me hugely. It all seems pointless. In 1982, my cousin, aged only about 20, was sent to fight for the Falklands: a tiny island thousands of  miles away from the UK, with not much going on there from what we saw. It was nearer to Argentina and Argentina wanted it back. My cousin  lost friends there and we all lived in fear in case we lost him. When he came back, they were going to send him to Northern Ireland. He left, he had seen enough violence.

Thank goodness, in the 1980s there were many who were also sick of war and most definitely felt that sitting around waiting for a nuclear button to be pressed was not the way to go. There were many movements, such as the CND who fought for nuclear disarmament. It has originally started in the 1950’s when shocked by what had happened in Japan at the end of WW2, a real fear of nuclear war, caused many to call for peace and disarmament. It had a resurgence in the 1980s. I remember watching the Greenham Common Women on the news chaining themselves to the fence around a US airforce base in the UK which had Cruise missiles.

The building of nuclear weapons has never completely stopped, but to see it so emphatically agreed upon by the UK parliament this week felt like a huge step backwards, especially after the awful wars we have had this millennium. War has never created long-lasting real peace. We may not have had a world war, but we have had many, many wars since from Vietnam to the Iraq to Syria. It doesn’t move us forward. Isn’t it time we tried something different? The conservative and many of the labour MP’s used the war on terror as an excuse for Trident. A “war on terror” – so sadly we ARE still at war, so sadly we are still living in fear and prejudice and separation. And we are all responsible.

Our seemingly small and daily lives are full of fear and anger, expectations, demands, inequality and prejudices. In our hearts, we are so full of fear, we will fight tooth and nail to do what we feel we have to survive. Our recent Brexit decision was based on this emotion and blaming others for the “state of our country.” Continually blaming and admonishing responsibility is not going to help either.

We need to look into the dark places in our own hearts, to feel that sickening fear that rules our lives and to desire to change it. But we also need to look at the human race as one family, as each person we meet as a brother or sister. I believe we are that: all children of God.(though I still have some emotions to work through on accepting that emotionally) But even, if you are unsure of that, imagine how the world would change if we saw it as one world and one family. Each member, an equal; each of us with pain to heal, but with a willingness to be truthful with ourselves and heal within first before we blame or hurt others. My ex-partner, my son’s father, summed it up the other day in saying it is time we stopped just seeing things as Britain, or our country; stopped seeing “them vs us” all the time, but started to think globally about making things better.

I heard one MP saying we need to be realistic and face the fact that Trident was needed in our “war against terror” and that idealism was nice, but not realistic. Well I like idealism! I like the fact that some have had a dream of a different world and had the guts to be a ripple in the pond, from Jesus to Gandhi to Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela. Thank God for the dreamers, the ones who had a feeling to change things, to be bold enough to be different, feel different and create different experiences. As John Lennon said:

“You may say I’m a dreamer..But I’m not the only one.

I hope one day you will join us and the world will live as One.”

I will end with a youtube clip from Australia’s Got Talent where one young man sings that very song and the more poignant because he is a  victim of the Iraq War who was left to die with his brother,by his parents, probably because of the birth defects they were born with. His name is Immanuel – which means ” God with us.”

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

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Itsy Bitsy Truth and Updates

me and robby edit 2

I feel I want to be honest in where I am at right now and in my relationship with Robby, and with God. The journey of writing this blog is part of my own spiritual journey to know God, to know myself, which includes the other half of my soul: my soul mate. During this journey I have written in facade, in addiction and hopefully some truth. I still have emotions about being judged and disliked, of being attacked and hurt for not being “perfect.” But I have realised I have to face these fears and share as truthfully as I am able at this time, because I have a desire to share Divine Truth, to be in harmony with Love and to share my journey in the hope it invites some of you to try the experiment and seek God’s Way of Love, which I feel to be beautiful and unique in it’s power to change us and change this world. Most of the Divine Truth I share will come via Jesus and Mary, and any other “truth” is likely to be my personal truth. As you listen, question, feel and investigate for yourself. I suggest that all you need to do is to be open and bear with me as I try to express what is in my heart. If you want to know more ( and hear a much better explanation of what I am talking about) please go to divinetruth.com.

In the last few weeks I have suddenly realised that I am smiling a lot (its been a while) , with the feeling that I am blessed to have discovered what I have, since I first heard of AJ/Jesus, and what I continue to discover about the Way of God’s Love. And I smile, not at any special time, it is just in ordinary moments: when I am walking to work; putting out the rubbish; strolling round the shops buying vegetables; driving or the other day I was just sitting in a car wash after my car was in the flight path of a dozen seagulls. This was the third time in a week so it felt like an another attack. It was most certainly the law of attraction showing me something, but as I sat in the car wash, I was so grateful I knew about God’s law of attraction: this wonderful gift that constantly presents itself to show what we still need to heal and what is healed. I haven’t always liked it, sometimes I have screamed at it when it seemed painful or I just haven’t got what it was showing me. And to be honest even after I heard about it in one of the Divine Truth talks, I didn’t really take on board that paying attention to it would be really helpful! That is what happens when our brain hears something, but we don’t really want to hear it on a soul level – mostly because we are in denial or resistance and hold error in our soul that is challenged by the truth we are presented. However, something has finally sunk in ( 2 years later ) and I have started to pay attention and feel the truth of it more in my soul. So when something happens I can ask: Ok, so what is God trying to show me? If I do that and soften my heart I can feel the answer. If I soften and be humble then my guides can also help me. Now I can really start to appreciate the gift that it is. Funny thing is we feel God as so distant and yet he talks to us constantly through his laws and the love that created them.

In many ways this has been the most challenging two months since I discovered Divine Truth just over 3 years ago, so smiling a lot is an interesting development and proof that the more we feel our error, the more we feel joy: we just feel more! Some truth that Mary shared with me after I wrote for some advice, dropped a bomb in the life that Robby and I shared. A life that was comfortable, but plodding on. We had a certain cosiness and routine with each other, but little passion or deep connection. Also, I had been working in a job for a few months that I realised had a small amount of  soul desire in it, but many addictions and I felt trapped and drained: trapped in my job, trapped in my addictions, trapped by my fears; trapped by a low income: surviving but not really living. I was stuck in a rut and felt that for some reason my soul condition had degraded and I couldn’t work out why. At the same time I had been reading the Padgett Messages and continued to listen to Divine Truth videos and there was a stirring of increased desire to have a relationship with God and heal my soul. I knew about God’s Way of Love, but hadn’t been living it and was and am blocked to receiving God’s love: I am still not on the path; still not walking the walk. I wrote to Mary and received a reply. Jesus and Mary don’t always reply to emails. If they feel you are in addiction it is not loving to reply and meet you addiction, just as a loving person would not give an alcoholic a beer.  As they will testify, I have written in addiction a number of times (awkward smile). It is not loving of me to do that, but in my wounded state, my avoidance of feeling the real emotion, my fingers tap away and I click on send. I  have realised when I feel compelled to write I must not: a compulsion is an addiction so stop!

This time, despite some addiction in my email, that stirring of desire for God, meant I received a truthful and loving  (and ever patient)  reply. I had to face some harsh truths about my unloving behaviour at work, represented in my rebelliousness and arrogance. This happens to a lot of us who try to follow the Divine Love Path. We listen to a number of Jesus’ talks, understand them very intellectually and think we know what love and truth is and in the end we end up using these Divine Truths ( what we think they are – not what they actually are) to feel superior, be condescending and arrogant. All addiction! All unloving! And for me, it’s to avoid feeling inferior, insecure and worthless. I thought I was doing the right thing – I called it truth, but when Mary said not, and I felt about it, it felt very yukky. Getting past the shame, I then felt what I thought was loving to myself and others was actually arrogant and very unloving. No wonder I felt my soul had degraded. Jesus and Mary are both more progressed than I am and have received God’s love so I listen to what they say. It’s not that I can’t question it and I feel it’s good to, but most importantly I feel the truth of what they tell me in my soul – not all of it ( If I did I would be more progressed than I am!), but certainly parts that I am ready and willing to hear and feel, enter my soul. In the spirit world, spirits (people) that are more progressed in love and truth have brighter spirit bodies. If they are brighter than us, they have more truth and love in their soul (which we can also feel) and it is humble to listen to what they tell us. The brighter the spirit the more truth they have. Jesus and Mary feel like that. I may not see their spirit bodies, but I can feel they have more love, that they know more truth. They are not just talking the Way, they are walking it – as they have for 2000 years – and this too inspires me to listen to them and try to walk the same path.

The other painful truth that came up for me in the email, was that Robby’s addiction to spirits and his addiction to be looked after was currently his main motivation for being with me, and of course I was meeting his addiction to be looked after with my own addiction to rescuing others and to avoid a feeling of aloneness in me. Hence, co-dependency. This hit me like a truck. It hit me because I had already started to realise it, but had put my head in the sand. Also, I was doing yet another “caring” job, as I have done for 30 years, as I have done most of my life, but about that time I had begun to feel how depleted I was and how much grief I had about forgetting myself. It is not that Robby and I care nothing for each other, but that we still both have so much error in us and so little knowledge of real love, our relationship is unhealthy and unloving ( in God’s eyes) in many ways. At times we have felt we were soul mates and yet neither of us is in a condition to know that for certain. Something has kept us together  – whether that is a soul mate connection or addiction is as yet unclear.

For the first weeks after Mary’s email I emotionally left the relationship completely….if it could be called that, as we both fear intimacy so much. Much of what we have had has been addiction and facade. Though, I will say we have also triggered much in each other which has also helped us progress in certain areas and I feel we have learned how to be a bit more loving with each other and I am very grateful to the truth that Robby has told me. He is much more fearless in saying what he feels than me. It has not been easy, and after the first 2-3 weeks of a honeymoon period we have either hit big periods of triggering, projected and received anger, been confused and hurt with intermittent periods that were more peaceful, but would have included the facade of happiness often created by co-dependency. Emotionally leaving the relationship was caused by huge fears that came up for me, that I didn’t allow myself to feel. Instead I froze in my fear and closed my heart. Robby, of course, felt it, but was confused by the suddenness and cause and I was initially too scared to say anything. Coincidentally, he went home to Belguim for 10 days and I will be honest and say I was glad of the break. Of course, I was running away and living in my fears.

Eventually, Robby and I talked. It wasn’t comfortable, but what I find amazing is that every time that happens, every time we talk more truthfully, and don’t live in the fear, it feels so much better: a weight is lifted and we are able to feel our emotions better. So we had to admit our addictions with each other (those we are aware of), but then face the fact that until we had more of a relationship with ourselves, having a relationship with someone else was impossible. Also, what became apparent was I have a greater desire for God than Robby and at the moment he is resistant and angry at God and not wanting to listen to Divine Truth. This is painful for me because I wanted to share this path with someone and avoid that loneliness I really feel inside. So now I can’t avoid it: which is good.

Robby and I have decided that we must break out of our addictions and one thing we have both have faith in is that if we are soul mates, being in more truth and love will eventually bring us back together again in a more loving way or if we are not, allow us to separate, peacefully. Love and truth is, after all, the magnetism that draws a soul mate to you. If we are not with our soul mate at this time that may include the truth that we don’t really want to meet our soul mate, because our fear is too great or our gender issues are blocking the relationship.

So for now, Robby has a real desire to experiment and follow his desires. He has never really done this: he was so shut down as a child by his parents, never seen as an individual who had the right and free will to discover his passions. He lost his will very early on and now has a desire to find his will again and find ways to open his heart and expand his soul. He has decided he would like to do this by working in area of need in the world: do something meaningful, that will take him out of his comfort zone. For him, he has decided he wants to volunteer in Nepal, following the earthquake. He has set up an appeal for funds and been putting lots of energy into making it happen and trying to embrace the journey of all that it brings up for him.

When I wrote to Mary, I wanted to quit my job, but I decided initially to return to work, but with more humility and from that place decide what to do. So for the last couple of months, I have been working with a new attitude and awareness. I have been watching out for that rebellious and arrogant streak, trying to be more humble to what comes up for me. It is an absolute journey for me, as it will be for many of us, having learned to shut down my emotions as a child and continued to add to that all my adult life. So my constant prayer at the moment is to be a river of emotion, rather than a rock of numbness. I am using my bit of will to love, by softening to my law of attraction and the emotions it encourages me to feel. I have had some fear triggered, though have yet to fully surrender to the terror. And I have had grief about the loss of myself and the false belief that my needs don’t matter and to the loss of my dreams, loving desire and passions. In the feeling of my grief, I have begun to remember the things that make my heart sing: music, art, ballet. I started to draw again and love it and I am not worrying about the result, just enjoying the experiment. I have cried when I have watched dance and felt the desire in my soul and body to move and in that I have been guided and found a teacher who is willing to teach a 48 year old ballet! There is more to feel so that I create the funds to make this happen. I went to an open day at an local art college and for the first time for a very long time I felt alive and connected to the real me: I could have flown home that day and one of the courses there made my heart sing. It was wonderful.

Returning to work with more humility has allowed me to feel that I need to step back and out of my addiction to rescue. It is just helping me avoid myself, and the fear that I am so awful, and unlovable. Also, I have a lot of anger and grief about service, false beliefs that love is sacrifice and it affects my life hugely. I need to feel these emotions as I want to have a more pure desire to serve. On Monday I handed in my notice and signed up with a teaching agency: it will allow me flexibility and hopefully time to pursue my desires to follow the Way, to do my art and my writing and in the process the best way to serve. I have an interview for an illustration degree (yay!). I do not yet have the funds, but I know my desire for this is everything and changes everything. I am going to let myself experiment and play. I am terrified about how I will survive financially; I am terrified of not being in control, of, as Jesus puts it, “letting go of all the balls;” I am terrified of the chance my dreams may not come true; terrified of many things. However, I know that triggering my fears is one of the biggest gifts I can give myself. I know fear has been leading my life, giving a false sense of security, but keeping me shriveled and not really alive – far away from God and far away from my real self. Fear is my very real and painful prison, but only I hold the key to my freedom. I have to want it and I have some faith that as soon as I put the key in the lock to turn it, I will be surprised that the door will fly open. In her blog, Mary describes feeling our fear as jumping out of the plane. We need to jump: I need to jump; I am starting to want to jump because I want to know me and I want to know my parent. I have now moved from crouching in the cabin of the plane and feel I am standing at the door – most of the time, though still holding on for now. But I am taking action at last.

I am curious about God, this Being, this Creator, our Parent, because as I read more about God and God’s love and as I hear more about Divine truth I long, even more,to really feel this love, to understand its source. I am terrified of love too, because I have so many false beliefs around it, but there is a stirring of faith that God’s love is something so special, so wondrous, that when I do eventually feel it, I will wonder why I waited so long and laugh at my own foolishness for choosing fear instead, for so long.

I am so grateful for discovering the teachings of Jesus – the real teachings of a soul that has been closer to God that any other human I feel – so far. Because we can all do what he has done, what he is doing, what Mary is doing. God made us all equal and equally capable of following her Way. I have some barriers to break down to be able to receive God’s love and say I am really walking the path and I want to share my journey, because this truth is so awesome and in the sharing of my own journey I also learn. I feel there is still some narcissism  and addiction in my sharing, but I know if I am open, God will show me how to purify me desire to write and serve, and the more humble I become so it shall be. But I also know (intellectually) that it’s ok to not be perfect and to allow this to be a journey where I will still keep tripping up for now.  My main goal right now is to look at my resistance and blocks to God and receiving his love and to be that river – the river of humility, feeling everything, discovering who God intended me to be, discovering what it is like to feel the flow of Divine Love in me and experience it’s power for change in my soul.

So this is update on where we are: my attempt at less facade and more truth. It is a bit bitty, but I hope helpful.

I want to end this post with a quote from the Padgett messages: some incredible Channelings to James Padgett at the beginning of the 20th Century. Many of the spirits are Celestials and talk of Divine Truth, Divine Love, Spirit World and other topics. I highly recommend them ( see extras page). This quote is from Volume One, from Solomon of the Old Testament. It truly touched my soul and I have re- read it a many times and intend to follow his advice. Here it is:

What is the greatest thing in all the world?

Prayer and faith on the part of mortals; and Love – the Divine Love – on the part of God. The latter is waiting, and the former causes it to enter into the souls of men.

No other truths are so great and momentous to men.

Let what I say sink deep into your memory, and try the experiment. I know you do try, but try and then try and never cease trying. Love will come to you and with It faith, and then knowledge and then ownership.

love Maxine ( trying and trying, again and again…)

Fear comes Knocking..

And so we find ourselves in an interesting situation. We are still living in a holiday flat since our move to Devon. Everything is in storage, tight rental market and tight finances: feeling very vulnerable. We desired change and here it is and the transition is exposing many emotions, many emotional injuries. That is the blessing.

Last year we knew we wanted to leave Somerset and waited for my son to start college, unsure of our next steps, we looked into something that turned out not to be right, not what it seemed. We didn’t know how else to create change, it felt like our financial situation was so limiting. How could we move on so little? We were struggling to pay our rent let alone find the money to hire a van, pay off the bills and move. But God heard our soul and brought us a Law of Attraction which gave us a loving kick: our landlady was forced to sell the house and we had to leave. As soon as we knew this it felt right and we started to get little financial gifts that helped us move: just enough to make it possible. I followed my guidance and returned to Devon: back to the coast I loved as a teenager. Robby is from Belguim so he only had one visit before we moved and trusted the feeling I had, though not without fear too.

So here we were in a holiday flat and two months later we are still here: not knowing how long we can stay. Finances are again very tight, finding the right home is proving more difficult than we thought. Yet I do have some work coming and some circumstances have kept a roof over our heads so far. But how do we solve this? My old way would have been action stations, don’t sit still, do, do , do: hours of leg work and humiliation walking round letting agents to no avail as they sit at their desk not interested in us, only in money, and ours doesn’t look good on paper: our honesty and sense of responsibility not enough. Humiliation and fear would have drove me on to the point of exhaustion. If I can just keep busy and keep trying everything, despite the fact I felt the situation seemed impossible: a strange combination of the glass half full girl and the one denying how terrified she felt inside.

This time I am trying to be more truthful with myself: gently proactive, but focusing on my emotions. I prayed for a law of attraction to bring up some of these emotions and on Saturday ended up driving in the thickest fog I have ever driven in. I couldn’t see any more than 10 yards ahead or the middle of the road most of the time. To add to this the seat belt alarm kept going off, making the situation more intense. I felt so vulnerable, so unsafe and the feeling unsafe emotion was pretty big. I can’t say I  reached the causal, but I touched its edges: there were many times I felt unsafe as a child. All these fears kept shaking through me: My life feels so unsafe, I am at the mercy of something or someone outside of myself. The little me wanted to be rescued but saw no one was there.

The other thing that effects both mine and Robby’s ability to get a home is our injuries of poor self worth and false beliefs around money, security and struggle. Not having a base, a secure place to live or the finances to do this creates a wonderful whirlpool of emotions to feel. I also find the fog a great metaphor for us: a message. Driving in the fog involves trust.. trusting yourself, going with the flow. You can’t see far ahead but you have to trust the road continues, that your wheels will stay on solid ground on a path to your destination. So here we are in our own fog right now, unsure, afraid, but hoping the road is leading to a place we know.

I realise now why I am short sighted: I have always been afraid to look too far into the future because the past felt so difficult:

No home,

No place to go,

No money,

No future I want to think of..

All these fears steeped up on me today.

Making changes, in circumstances created

By my old lack of self worth

and false beliefs about the struggle of life.

But fear is not truth.

Fear is the image of past hurts and future worries.

Fear is the imagined seeming real.

This fear does not tell the truth of my life

Or of myself.

There is sadness to feel of the past

that I had,

A rock removed from my soul,

And step by step

I listen to the truth.

I am more than my hurt,

My life has had more value

than I was told.

As I let the fears be felt and released,

there is room in my soul for my desires.

So the truth is.

We have a bed, food and each other.

And our desires are creating our home.

My soul does not need a roof,

It needs love,

My soul does not need a bed,

It needs forgiveness and compassion.

My soul does not need four walls,

It needs freedom.

And what my soul needs

Is what matters..

 

It is good to remember how much fear is removed from the truth. The fear we have felt is real on an emotional level, but it is not the story of our lives or our future. AJ/ Jesus once described our soul as an egg. The shell is our facade self, the white the injured self, the yolk is the true self. To get to that golden center we must break off the shell, release the white and there we find ourselves. Where am I? I have few cracks in my shell, a bit of egg white is oozing out… quite a way to go to feel my golden center, but I have faith it is there. I have faith in God’s truth or as in this song: through Heaven’s eyes. I shall let Jethro have the final words….

with love,

Maxine